A little over a year ago, I looked like an overstuffed sausage in my size 18 jeans. Today, I finally got my nerve readied to try on a pair of size 10 jeans. I've actually been thinking my 12s are a bit baggy for a while now. But it frightened me to try on 10s.
What if they actually fit? Would I have to accept myself the way I am? Would I have to stop thinking of myself as "still having a ways to go?" (That's what I always tell people who say I'm looking really skinny.)
Size 10 jeans and size medium tops... this has been my stated goal for a long time. What if I'm there?
Well, big news... I am! Size 10 in my style of jeans (Lee's classic straight leg) fits me perfectly. I can hardly believe it. I can not wipe the smile off my face. Daaaawgonnnne! Imagination that!
Now I have to consider the above questions. How will I think of myself? What will I say when folks say I'm lookin' good? Maybe just "Thank you!" Will this be a danger point for me in OA, a point of complacency about my food plan? Time will tell.
Me and My Stuff
Two months ago I wrote a post (here, half way down) about hoarding stuff. About that same time, I began to work on a piece of bead embroidery about me and my relationship to my stuff. Here's how it looks (click to enlarge):
This piece totally shocks me. It really does. I expected it to look all ugly and jumbled and messy, just as I feel about having too much stuff. Instead, it's full of life, playfulness, exuberance, fun... How can this be? From writing a poem off this piece, I learned something amazing about me and my stuff, about what it means to me and a lot about why I have so much of it. It's because I'm afraid of forgetting. I wrote about it on my art blog, here.
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Gratitude for today: car wash, size 10 jeans, long days, cool evenings, check marks on my "to do" list!
Bet you look and feel great. I think the biggest block will be to look in the mirror in a month and still think you look great and the mind switch from fat to great. So many times we find ourselves still thinking we look fat. At least that's where I am right now. Weighing in under 140 and still think I am overweight. How do you fix that mind set. Any ideas?
ReplyDeletexx, Carol
It's great when the weight drops off. Congrats!
ReplyDeleteI once worried about
what I would worry about
when I lost the weight.
But that is (was) in the future -
And when it finally did happen,
I was so happy -
I call it my "honey-moon" phase
of weight-loss!
And if you are already "there"?
Maybe a certain size was our stated goal.
But our real goal is a lifetime adjustment
of our relationship with food -
and with ourselves!
For me - the "real" work
(aka- discovery) is just starting!
WooooooHooooooo!
ReplyDeleteThat must feel great.
I think a big smile and "Thank you, I feel good" is the response I'd most like to hear. I think compliments are a bit like gifts, at least half of the pleasure is in giving them so we should let the giver know how much we like receiving them.
I don't think taking pleasure in accepting those compliments will make you complacent. Fitting into a size 10 may be your reward for all of your hard work but from all you have written, establishing a health relationship with food is your real goal and I don't think you will lose sight of that.
Congratulations, you're looking good :-)
Well how 'bout that! Congrats to you. I am smiling just picturing it. And a simple "thank you" is perfect:)
ReplyDeleteI'm happy for you. Delighted to here how you shift your thinking on things. I feel I/m in a different place with food..trying to have a relationship with food not with rules about food..it's the road less traveled.
ReplyDeleteCongrats to you! That must feel good and yes scary at the same time. and your artwork is FABULOUS!
ReplyDeleteFabulous job! You did it! I am so proud of you and the way you dare to investigate what motivates you. Well done.
ReplyDeleteFirst... I am smiling with you over the size 10!!
ReplyDeleteNext, my first impression of this piece was of child-like joy and laughter, innocence and freshness. I read your story about it, and was touched to find I could really identify! You might guess.. I have piles of craft materials, including beads and stuff... after all, someday I might want them... ;-)
I loved the aha you had. And your conclusion, that some will be forgotten and fade, and that is okay... well, at first that scared me. Because when I think of "things", I always connect them to the memories that goes with them. But... you are right, a part of me sees that. But there is this other part... I don't want it to be true...