HELP!
Help me, please. I am on a downward spiral of eating too much, especially too much bread, jam, honey, and restaurant foods. This past Saturday and Sunday, both days, I found an excuse to be alone, drove to a bakery, bought a large cookie, and ate it sneakily in the car before returning to my quilting buddies (on a retreat).
This, after 452 days of abstinence... no cookies, no candy, no pie, no ice cream, no pastries, and most importantly, no chocolate (which is my absolutely worst addictive substance). Cookies are a road to chocolate.
I am so afraid of getting into my old binging ways, where shame and fear rule me, where my weight skyrockets and I hate myself.
Today and yesterday I was abstinent. Two days. I must remember that 452 days began with one day, and then a second day.
Meetings? Yes, I go to meetings. Steps? Do I work the steps? Well, I have probably spent 30 hours working the steps in the last 6 months. I don't have a sponsor. I do have one. But she is on a year-long road trip. And I never really asked for her help.
One of my many problems, is I don't trust that anybody or anything can help me. See? I'm still having a problem with steps 2 & 3. It all felt clear when I was writing in the 12-Step workbook, but now I'm lost again.
I feel dirty. Eating those two cookies makes me feel dirty. Eating them gave me no comfort and no relief; it only made me feel dirty, sneaky, and stupid.
Usually, when I write here, I try to end on a positive note. At this moment, I can not find a positive note.
Showing posts with label sponsor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sponsor. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Tools of Recovery
Overeaters Anonymous, a program of recovery based on and very much like Alcoholics Anonymous, is deeper than I thought at first, offering a wide range of possibilities for change and healing, proven to work for many individuals. I stumbled into OA through reading Holy Hunger by Margaret Bullitt-Jonas, an amazingly honest and thorough exploration of her personal experiences with binging, purging, dieting, emotion-evading and all the crazy voices in her head which provided every excuse for continuing to eat compulsively.
Although I've never purged, all the rest, the angst, the yo-yo dieting, the binging and obsession with food, the voices, all as she described in her book were exactly as I've experienced for 60 years of my life. It is as if she wrote my story, not hers.
Her story and her book offer an addict, like me, great hope because she turned to OA, admitting her disease and her powerlessness. In accepting her weakness, accepting the support and fellowship of other OA members, accepting the help of a power greater than herself, she turned herself around and was able to stop eating compulsively, stop binging, stop feeling crazy, reach a desirable, healthy weight for her size and remain at that weight without the relentless struggle of dieting.
The way I interpret OA, to arrest the symptoms of the disease, two parallel pathways must be followed. The first is to use the tools of OA to stop compulsive overeating. The other is to work the 12 Steps of OA (and AA) to gain a spiritual foundation for change. Tonight I want to write a little more about the tools and about how I am using them at present.
There are eight tools of recovery, as follows:
1. Food plan. Since I definitely suffer the binge syndrome of overeating, where I've been known to eat a whole box of cookies, a whole bag of candy or a whole pint of ice cream in one sitting, the first part of my food plan is to identify and eliminate these foods from my diet completely.
"Why can't I be like other people? Why can't I eat just two cookies or half a piece of chocolate cake?" I don't know the answer, really. It's part of the disease. The important point is not why, but just that not being able to resist or stop is a fact for me. There is no half-way. I ask myself, "Do I want to be abstinent on my binge foods today, just for today?" So far, the answer is "yes."
Other than two slips, I have not eaten any of my binge foods (candy, cake, cookies, pie, ice cream, pastries) since April 17th, which is 199 days!
Just today, in a coffee shop with a fellow OA member, I briefly noticed a huge display of tasty-looking and delicious-smelling assortment of muffins, rolls, sweet breads, cookies and cakes. In the past, I would have been obsessed with looking at them and selecting which one or ones I would eat or equally obsessed with not being able to eat them because of dieting. Today, I noticed them in passing, got my coffee, and thought no more about them until writing a description of them here.
My point? The obsessive compulsion about sweet things is gone! I attribute this delightful change to a food plan of abstaining from eating my particular binge foods. Another benefit? Well, for once, I don't dread the soon-upon-us holiday season, the time of year previously known for stuffing myself with every imaginable treat and gaining 10 to 20 pounds in three months.
The other part of my food plan is simply to eat three meals per day and nothing between meals. I don't pay much attention to what I eat, although "healthy choices" are ingrained after years of dieting. Not eating between meals is definitely a challenge, one I struggle with, particularly during meal preparation. Sometimes I stay with the plan; sometimes I don't. I do the best I can.
Although, because of a previously negative relationship to the scale, I do not weigh myself, I have lost weight, going from a snug size 18 jeans to a comfortable size 12 in the seven months I've been practicing my OA food plan.
2. Sponsorship. I am fortunate to have two sponsors.
One is my sister-in-law, who is 16 years sober in AA. She is an invaluable mentor, guide and support! Talking on the phone and emailing several times a week, she helps me to accept both my success and my failures, to understand the program, and most of all to have patience with it.
My other sponsor is a long-time member of my OA group. A spiritual guide, she is helping me to understand the 12 step program, to face myself and my disease with honesty and to seek help with this journey. I see her at meetings and meet with her one-on-one as needed. Right now, I'm fairly self-motivated, yet I feel her support and am grateful to know when I need her, she'll be there for me.
3. Meetings. I've written about our meetings fairly often, about how they're invaluable to me in this process of recovery. We are united in our weakness and in our commitment to recovery. We share our process and our inspiration to the benefit of all. What if, for some reason, there were no OA meetings where I live? Having experienced the understanding and fellowship of meetings, I would go instead to AA meetings or I would join an on-line, live-participation OA meeting. I am certain meeting are a significant tool in my recovery.
4. Telephone. This is a tool I haven't used very much as I'm not very fond of talking on the phone. Yet, I understand the importance of resisting isolation in recovery. I guess blogging (writing and reading) and emailing are forms of communication like the telephone, yet not so immediate. I shall consider using the telephone a bit more.
5. Writing. Of course this blog is all about writing my feelings, thoughts, process. I love writing here, reading other recovery blogs and the exchange, inspiration and support that happens between us, almost as if we are all meeting together. It's magic for me!
I must also write privately as I work the 12 steps. Here is another area where I'm dragging my feet at the moment. Time to call my sponsor and get some help.
6. Literature. Over the years, AA and OA have amassed a vast library of literature relevant to recovery. There are stories, history, workbooks and guides. I've read and been inspired by several of these, the most recent being The Big Book itself, the fourth edition of the original Alcohol Anonymous book, written by the founders of the program. Quite an unexpected treat, this book both instructs and inspires me, helping me to better understand the concept of alcoholism or compulsive overeating as a disease. I'm currently reading an OA workbook designed to help participants work through the 12 steps.
7. Anonymity. I respect the concept of anonymity in OA. It gives me power to be honest with myself and others. For this reason, I do not use my name or anybody's real name in this blog.
8. Service. Although I have taken responsibility for the meeting-room key, until today, I had not offered my service to anybody else suffering from overeating, at least not directly. Perhaps indirectly, as a result of reading my blog or talking with me about what it's like to suffer the disease of compulsive overeating, I may have been of some slight service to others. However, today I offered to be a food sponsor (as opposed to step sponsor, which by my own standards, I am not yet qualified to do) to another OA member. I don't know where this will lead or how it will be for her. But, I can say that for me, it feels like a good thing, a pathway that can only lead to greater learning and healing, hopefully for both of us.
So this is a summary of the tools and where I am with them in the OA program at this time. My gratitude for having learned of OA and for all the assistance I've received to date is boundless.
Although I've never purged, all the rest, the angst, the yo-yo dieting, the binging and obsession with food, the voices, all as she described in her book were exactly as I've experienced for 60 years of my life. It is as if she wrote my story, not hers.
Her story and her book offer an addict, like me, great hope because she turned to OA, admitting her disease and her powerlessness. In accepting her weakness, accepting the support and fellowship of other OA members, accepting the help of a power greater than herself, she turned herself around and was able to stop eating compulsively, stop binging, stop feeling crazy, reach a desirable, healthy weight for her size and remain at that weight without the relentless struggle of dieting.
The biggest benefit, for me, is to stop feeling crazy. It really makes me feel crazy knowing absolutely, without a doubt, that eating a dozen cookies at a time is not a healthy thing to do, knowing that if I eat one, I'll continue eating them until they're gone, and yet I do it. More than the weight, more than the embarrassment about my food habits, more than high cholesterol and other health problems directly related to my eating, much more than all that, I hated the feeling of being crazy and my inability to resist the slightest temptation.OA teaches us that this is not a motivation or will-power problem. This is a disease, a progressive disease, one that can not be cured with will-power, a diet, a pill, a stay in the hospital or surgery. Yet, it is not hopeless, as once I had thought.
The way I interpret OA, to arrest the symptoms of the disease, two parallel pathways must be followed. The first is to use the tools of OA to stop compulsive overeating. The other is to work the 12 Steps of OA (and AA) to gain a spiritual foundation for change. Tonight I want to write a little more about the tools and about how I am using them at present.
There are eight tools of recovery, as follows:
1. Food plan. Since I definitely suffer the binge syndrome of overeating, where I've been known to eat a whole box of cookies, a whole bag of candy or a whole pint of ice cream in one sitting, the first part of my food plan is to identify and eliminate these foods from my diet completely.
"Why can't I be like other people? Why can't I eat just two cookies or half a piece of chocolate cake?" I don't know the answer, really. It's part of the disease. The important point is not why, but just that not being able to resist or stop is a fact for me. There is no half-way. I ask myself, "Do I want to be abstinent on my binge foods today, just for today?" So far, the answer is "yes."
Other than two slips, I have not eaten any of my binge foods (candy, cake, cookies, pie, ice cream, pastries) since April 17th, which is 199 days!
Just today, in a coffee shop with a fellow OA member, I briefly noticed a huge display of tasty-looking and delicious-smelling assortment of muffins, rolls, sweet breads, cookies and cakes. In the past, I would have been obsessed with looking at them and selecting which one or ones I would eat or equally obsessed with not being able to eat them because of dieting. Today, I noticed them in passing, got my coffee, and thought no more about them until writing a description of them here.
My point? The obsessive compulsion about sweet things is gone! I attribute this delightful change to a food plan of abstaining from eating my particular binge foods. Another benefit? Well, for once, I don't dread the soon-upon-us holiday season, the time of year previously known for stuffing myself with every imaginable treat and gaining 10 to 20 pounds in three months.
The other part of my food plan is simply to eat three meals per day and nothing between meals. I don't pay much attention to what I eat, although "healthy choices" are ingrained after years of dieting. Not eating between meals is definitely a challenge, one I struggle with, particularly during meal preparation. Sometimes I stay with the plan; sometimes I don't. I do the best I can.
Although, because of a previously negative relationship to the scale, I do not weigh myself, I have lost weight, going from a snug size 18 jeans to a comfortable size 12 in the seven months I've been practicing my OA food plan.
2. Sponsorship. I am fortunate to have two sponsors.
One is my sister-in-law, who is 16 years sober in AA. She is an invaluable mentor, guide and support! Talking on the phone and emailing several times a week, she helps me to accept both my success and my failures, to understand the program, and most of all to have patience with it.
My other sponsor is a long-time member of my OA group. A spiritual guide, she is helping me to understand the 12 step program, to face myself and my disease with honesty and to seek help with this journey. I see her at meetings and meet with her one-on-one as needed. Right now, I'm fairly self-motivated, yet I feel her support and am grateful to know when I need her, she'll be there for me.
3. Meetings. I've written about our meetings fairly often, about how they're invaluable to me in this process of recovery. We are united in our weakness and in our commitment to recovery. We share our process and our inspiration to the benefit of all. What if, for some reason, there were no OA meetings where I live? Having experienced the understanding and fellowship of meetings, I would go instead to AA meetings or I would join an on-line, live-participation OA meeting. I am certain meeting are a significant tool in my recovery.
4. Telephone. This is a tool I haven't used very much as I'm not very fond of talking on the phone. Yet, I understand the importance of resisting isolation in recovery. I guess blogging (writing and reading) and emailing are forms of communication like the telephone, yet not so immediate. I shall consider using the telephone a bit more.
5. Writing. Of course this blog is all about writing my feelings, thoughts, process. I love writing here, reading other recovery blogs and the exchange, inspiration and support that happens between us, almost as if we are all meeting together. It's magic for me!
I must also write privately as I work the 12 steps. Here is another area where I'm dragging my feet at the moment. Time to call my sponsor and get some help.
6. Literature. Over the years, AA and OA have amassed a vast library of literature relevant to recovery. There are stories, history, workbooks and guides. I've read and been inspired by several of these, the most recent being The Big Book itself, the fourth edition of the original Alcohol Anonymous book, written by the founders of the program. Quite an unexpected treat, this book both instructs and inspires me, helping me to better understand the concept of alcoholism or compulsive overeating as a disease. I'm currently reading an OA workbook designed to help participants work through the 12 steps.
7. Anonymity. I respect the concept of anonymity in OA. It gives me power to be honest with myself and others. For this reason, I do not use my name or anybody's real name in this blog.
8. Service. Although I have taken responsibility for the meeting-room key, until today, I had not offered my service to anybody else suffering from overeating, at least not directly. Perhaps indirectly, as a result of reading my blog or talking with me about what it's like to suffer the disease of compulsive overeating, I may have been of some slight service to others. However, today I offered to be a food sponsor (as opposed to step sponsor, which by my own standards, I am not yet qualified to do) to another OA member. I don't know where this will lead or how it will be for her. But, I can say that for me, it feels like a good thing, a pathway that can only lead to greater learning and healing, hopefully for both of us.
So this is a summary of the tools and where I am with them in the OA program at this time. My gratitude for having learned of OA and for all the assistance I've received to date is boundless.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Ask and You Get!
Today was my fourth OA meeting. I've been feeling a need for a sponsor, but we have a very small group, most of them working folks, some with families. I assume they sponsor one another so that everyone is already in a sponsoring relationship. Knowing what it's like to add one more commitment to a busy life, I felt quite hesitant to ask anyone, even if I put it to them that they could say "no" with no hard feelings on my part.
Some thoughts I was having about asking for a sponsor:
Because of PJ and Julie, I gathered my courage today and put it out to my group that I needed a sponsor. I "fessed up" about my lack of religious faith and just asked if there was anybody who would consider working with me to please let me know.
After the meeting, J came to me and volunteered! I felt a flood of relief and gratitude. Turns out J hasn't sponsored anybody yet, but has been working the 12 steps for three years. For starters, she agreed to read my blog. She'll get a pretty good idea of where I am in the process from that. I think we'll do well together...
Now the difficulty is knowing when I need to ask for help and feeling OK about asking. One day at a time... One step at a time... I have a sponsor, that's the first step. Time is on my side... lots of time ahead... Thank you, PJ and Julie for helping me get started! And thank you, J, for the blessing and gift of your sponsorship.
Some thoughts I was having about asking for a sponsor:
- nobody will want to take on an extra task
- I'm doing well with abstinence
- I'm following my food plan
- what I really need is help with the spiritual part of this
- I am and have been agnostic most of my life
- "God" is a word that has many negative connotations for me
- prayer makes me feel uncomfortable
- religions of the world are responsible for much chaos and suffering
- nobody would want to work with me given the above
Because of PJ and Julie, I gathered my courage today and put it out to my group that I needed a sponsor. I "fessed up" about my lack of religious faith and just asked if there was anybody who would consider working with me to please let me know.
After the meeting, J came to me and volunteered! I felt a flood of relief and gratitude. Turns out J hasn't sponsored anybody yet, but has been working the 12 steps for three years. For starters, she agreed to read my blog. She'll get a pretty good idea of where I am in the process from that. I think we'll do well together...
Now the difficulty is knowing when I need to ask for help and feeling OK about asking. One day at a time... One step at a time... I have a sponsor, that's the first step. Time is on my side... lots of time ahead... Thank you, PJ and Julie for helping me get started! And thank you, J, for the blessing and gift of your sponsorship.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
One Little Problem
As yet I don't have an OA sponsor. Saturday will be my fourth meeting, so I'm still quite the newbie. The group is very small and everyone in it seems to have been doing this for a long time. I hope to get a sense of who might be a willing and appropriate sponsor for me soon because right now I feel a bit adrift, rudderless.
For example, my food plan... It seems easy and straight forward. Three meals a day, only what will fit on one plate or one bowl, nothing between meals and no snacks. From Holy Hunger, I get the idea that making a plan and sticking to it is an important recovery tool. It seems that commitment and keeping one's promise to oneself is just as important as what and how much one eats.
So here is my one little problem... meal preparation. I am accustomed to tasting... OK, I admit it... more than tasting... one might say nibbling as I prepare meals. Oh, a wee dried cranberry rolled off the plate onto the breadboard. Pop! It goes in my mouth. Cutting the meat off of the bones? Here's a little tidbit... Pop! Into my mouth with it. Cutting up avocado? Naturally it gets on my fingers. Pop! They go right into my mouth.
Technically, this is breaking my commitment unless I change my food plan to allow a bit of tasting/nibbling/finger-licking during meal preparation. I've been debating with myself about this for three days. Shall I change the plan? Or shall I make a commitment and stick to it about not tasting as I go? Will I be setting myself up for failure if I commit to being strict about this?
I need some practical guidance from a sponsor.
Abstinence from my binge foods is going really well. I was tempted yesterday several times. We live on a remote island. It's a big deal... a whole, long, day-trip... to go to the mainland to shop at places like Costco and supermarkets. So the first temptation was the drive-thru where I always used to get coffee and a delicious, home-made berry scone. Yesterday, it was coffee only for me! The second place was Costco, where I used to graze through all the food-sample demos. No samples touched my lips! The third was a supermarket with a fantastic bakery, where I was accustomed to picking out one or more delicacies to devour in the car. Walked right by the bakery counter without stopping! Oh it called to me, sang its siren song... but I lowered my eyes and walked on by!
So all-in-all, guess I'll give myself a pat on the back and grateful thanks to the universe, despite the meal-prep nibbles.
For example, my food plan... It seems easy and straight forward. Three meals a day, only what will fit on one plate or one bowl, nothing between meals and no snacks. From Holy Hunger, I get the idea that making a plan and sticking to it is an important recovery tool. It seems that commitment and keeping one's promise to oneself is just as important as what and how much one eats.
So here is my one little problem... meal preparation. I am accustomed to tasting... OK, I admit it... more than tasting... one might say nibbling as I prepare meals. Oh, a wee dried cranberry rolled off the plate onto the breadboard. Pop! It goes in my mouth. Cutting the meat off of the bones? Here's a little tidbit... Pop! Into my mouth with it. Cutting up avocado? Naturally it gets on my fingers. Pop! They go right into my mouth.
Technically, this is breaking my commitment unless I change my food plan to allow a bit of tasting/nibbling/finger-licking during meal preparation. I've been debating with myself about this for three days. Shall I change the plan? Or shall I make a commitment and stick to it about not tasting as I go? Will I be setting myself up for failure if I commit to being strict about this?
I need some practical guidance from a sponsor.
Abstinence from my binge foods is going really well. I was tempted yesterday several times. We live on a remote island. It's a big deal... a whole, long, day-trip... to go to the mainland to shop at places like Costco and supermarkets. So the first temptation was the drive-thru where I always used to get coffee and a delicious, home-made berry scone. Yesterday, it was coffee only for me! The second place was Costco, where I used to graze through all the food-sample demos. No samples touched my lips! The third was a supermarket with a fantastic bakery, where I was accustomed to picking out one or more delicacies to devour in the car. Walked right by the bakery counter without stopping! Oh it called to me, sang its siren song... but I lowered my eyes and walked on by!
So all-in-all, guess I'll give myself a pat on the back and grateful thanks to the universe, despite the meal-prep nibbles.
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