Today is my 77th day of abstinence, round two. The first 77 days went quite well and then on day 78 I decided to have an ice cream cone, a breach of abstinence. So I began the count again at zero the next day. At the time, it seemed like it would take forever to reach day 77 again. Yet, here I am! Actually, it's gone rather quickly and painlessly.
Tomorrow will be challenging. I'm taking a class and there will be goodies on the tables and along a buffet counter all day long. I'm taking my favorite cottage cheese and apple lunch. Also, I plan to be hyper aware if the candy bowl on our table is causing me any trouble. If it does, I'll ask my table mates if we can remove it! Promise!
Yes, I have a plan... yet today I am reminded of how fragile sobriety is and of how easy it is to think I have control of the situation. No I don't, not me. Control is an illusion.
A dear friend lost a LOT of weight mostly by working the Weight Watchers program. She'd also been in OA for a long time and understands/accepts her addiction. For me, she's totally validated the idea of loosing weight and maintaining the loss. I know it's possible because of her.
Well, it's been more than a year since I saw her last. Now she's here visiting and I see she's put much of her weight back on again since then.
Fragile sobriety. Something pops. We turn a corner and smack our faces into a chocolate decadence cake. The bottom is reached and up we go again. The dreaded yo-yo. I'm without words to express my sadness about her upward swing or about my fear of all the corners ahead in my own recovery process.
Yet the OA literature is full of stories by those who have recovered - regained their sanity, changed their emotional responses to life's irritants and held to a healthy food plan - staying clean and sober for decades.
Will I be like them or like my friend? I don't know. I can only pray for help and keep trying one day at a time.
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Yes! You can be like them..One day at a time, one choice at a time!
ReplyDeleteBefore you know it, it will be Day 88. Then, 108.
ReplyDeleteStay with your plan, PB, you are doing great!
I feel for your friend and also for you. I can see why this has caused you to wonder if you will have the strength and determination where your friend has not this time. I guess the hardest part of this challenge is there is no way of knowing when the change is complete, when you will be able to enjoy something from your abstinence list without it leading to a binge.
ReplyDeleteI think you do have the strength and determination. 77 days ago you proved that. Yes, you put your hand out for an ice cream but then you recognised the danger signs and regrouped. Next time temptation gets the better of you, you will have that memory to show you it is not game over, just the start of the next level.
I am so proud of you for returning to Day 77.
I am confident in you. One day at a time.
ReplyDeleteone day and then another and then another..I'm too hung up on cottage cheese and pumpkin to try it with apple, but pineapple and cranberries are good too.
ReplyDeleteI am sad for your friend too. Are there people in your OA group that have stayed with a food plan for a long time? I know you can stay on your food plan especially since you are being so honest about your thoughts, fears, and feelings. I hope you are finding ways to reward yourself for all the good work you are doing.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I kind of feel that you've reached day 154, rather than 77 mark 2 . The ice cream was one slip, and a small one at that. Looking at it that way, you're ahead of the curve! You decided to start counting over at that point, but really, you've shown such strength and determination and humility all this time, I'm betting that the candy won't be all that much of a temptation for you after all, especially with classwork to pay attention to and occupy your hands with. And if the unlikely worst happens and you slip and fall... we'll all be here to help you up and cheer you on. I'm not a twelve-stepper or anything, but I do believe in One Day At A Time. It works for just about everything.
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