I've been writing about clutter, about how there's fear of forgetting under my procrastination about clutter, about how at the very bottom of each pile there's fear of tossing away bits of myself, as if both the bits and the remainder are insignificant. Thus fear of being insignificant, of not counting for anything, of being small, unimportant and weak is really what's at the bottom of everything else, at the bottom of every pile and stack of clutter.
Yesterday and today I've been contemplating that fear and asking myself what to do about it.
I could take a rational look at these feelings, which probably wouldn't seem very rational under close scrutiny. Yet I don't want to deny or criticize my feelings. They are what they are. However, they get in the way of clearing clutter, which I've already determined is very important to do. So now what?
In OA, the answer is: turn it all over to my higher power. In other words, let go of fear and give up trying to control.
I want to control my mind, to make it remember EVERYTHING, every detail, every person, every thing that happens, every thing I've ever learned. Well, we know that's not possible, not even a little. I need to consciously let go of the notion that if only I do x, y and z I'll be able to remember everything, surrender the notion that surrounding myself with piles of stuff will keep the memories alive for me.
I need to experience and acknowledge the losses, loss of memory, loss of tangible reminders, even loss of self, and then let go of the fear, let God take care of my fears and any other stuff that's under the piles.
Being mindful of letting go and daily progress at eliminating the clutter are my goals. I made some progress yesterday and will give it another hour or so this evening. Yay.
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Today's gratitude: spring weather, going to the dump with my husband, no clutter around my computer, selling my old (and possibly collectible) bicycle to somebody who will enjoy fixing it up.
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Again, I want to say think you for these Blogs. I hang onto things because I feel I will be nothing without them. I want to let go of the stuff that is just cluttering up my life - physically, emotionally, and mentally.
ReplyDeleteOnce I spun the prayerwheel that you link to on this page, and found this amazing prayer:
ReplyDeleteRefuse to fall down.
If you cannot refuse to fall down,
refuse to stay down.
If you cannot refuse to stay down
lift your heart toward heaven
and like a hungry beggar,
ask that it be filled,
and it will be filled.
You may be pushed down.
You may be kept from rising.
But no one can keep you from lifting
your heart toward heaven — only you.
It is in the middle of misery that
so much becomes clear.
The one who says nothing good came of this,
is not yet listening.
a prayer - clarissa pinkola estés
To me, it is a beautifull reminder of how we can be helped by our higher powers, whatever they may be!
Just chip away at it. Took time to put it all there. Will take more time to sculpt away this new self beneath that old clutter.
ReplyDeleteThere is a videogame called Katamari damacy that is basically about a little ball of sticky goo that you roll around picking up little bits of clutter and junk until the ball is huge, Eventually, you are picking up cars, buildings, cities and islands. Eventually, you can create planets and stars from this ball of clutter.
create a star.