After Christmas

A friend says, all the stuff to eat on Christmas is like bombs going off...

I think of it as a WWII movie scene, where the whole city is being bombed by pies and cookies and cakes and pastries and more than anything else,

big,

huge,

decadent,

dark

chocolates.

I’m down there scrambling to avoid being hit. Whamo! One lands 2 inches from me. And another! And yet another! There’s no shelter; I’m in one H of a mess.

Sometimes

I

succumb. 

Well, today there are fewer bombers overhead. I’m grateful for a little respite in the deluge.These past few weeks, I have not kept to my abstinence program. I have eaten 2 cookies, 1 slice of pumpkin bread, several slices of yulekaga, a bunch of crackers with butter and honey on them. These things are not on my program.

I need to reset the counter. This morning I had a slice of yulekaga. A little of the loaf (given to us by a neighbor) remains. I will probably finish it off later today. I am making a commitment to reset the counter, back to zero, as soon as the yulekaga is gone. Wish I could do it right now and leave the remainder for my husband. Could I do that? Maybe. I feel weak and helpless.... and sad.

It's a sad thing to reset a counter when it has 818 days of abstinence on it. That's 2 1/4 years of not eating one single bite of chocolate, cookies, pie, candy, cake, ice cream, or pastries. Gotta pat myself on the head for that one! Looking at the positive side of the relapse coin, at least I realize I am sliding deeper into relapse mode... eating more, edging up to the abstinence items by eating sweetened yogurt (how is that different than ice cream?) and crackers (the ones that are closest to cookies) and sweet breads (close as I can get to pastries).

There is light and good news in this story. I have not nibbled chocolate in any way. Chocolate, for me, is the most addictive substance of all. So far, I am still abstinent on chocolate. Although many times in the past few weeks, the little devil has sat on my shoulder saying, "It's OK! You've blown your abstinence program, you might as well have me as well. You can go back to abstinence some other day, later, maybe tomorrow. But just for today, you can have me. I come in many new, delightful forms, especially right now. You wouldn't want to miss that, would you?"

So far, the OA group consciousness, correspondence with my OA friends, and the unseen hand of my HP have helped me resist the devil chocolate's insane temptation. For this, my gratitude is huge.

For weeks (months?), I've been avoiding writing here in Words Paint. Why? I think it's because I've been straying more and more from my eating program, not caring how much I ate for each meal, eating/snacking between meals, gaining weight, edging slowly toward the abyss, the dark place where daily binges, self-disgust, self-loathing, and morbid obesity tear me apart. I know, because I've been there... more than once.

In that place, I care for nothing but to consume. In that place the tools of OA, the support of my friends and family, mean nothing to me. And so, as I slip toward that place, I begin to miss meetings, and I stop writing.

Today I am here. Saturday I will go to the meeting. I will reset the counter. On my knees, I thank God that I have not yet tumbled fully into the dark place. I thank God for this day, this Words Paint place of honesty and hope.

Need to Write the Journey

Been a month nearly since Peaceful Bird wrote anything here in the land of Words Paint. That's too long.

I've been writing lots of words... my first book submission on Sept. 1 was about 16,000 of them, plus 118 images, about the same number of 3D objects, an art log and a contact sheet for all the images. These words are fun to write and challenging in a good way. But they are words about beads, words that come from the mind mostly... a little from the heart and soul, I guess, but mostly the intellect... orderly, sane, comprehensive, in the style required by the publisher.

These are not the words of a food addict, someone who overeats and binges. That part of me goes underground while I'm writing the book. In our OA meeting last Saturday, I suggested the topic of "Relapse." Although I'm not yet eating any of my binge foods, remaining totally abstinent on them, I feel dangerously close to the edge of that old binge insanity. I have been overeating and snacking... gaining at least a few pounds by the feel of my jeans and loosing self esteem with every extra bite. I said that at the OA meeting.

A few of the members who've been around the block for many years had some good wisdom to offer. One talked about the OA tools available to us and named them. When I heard the word "write" I knew instantly that Words Paint could help me step away from the edge. So here I am, writing my little heart out. My plan is to write as often as possible, but not to participate in the blog world right now, not until my second and third (final) submissions are finished. But, write I must.

Another tool for me has been gratitude. When I feel gratitude, it takes over my being, warms me, takes away the desire to feed myself with foods. So part two of my new plan is to list my gratitude at the end of each post.

That's all for now. I'm making a commitment to writing and gratitude....

+ + + + + + + + + + + +
Today's gratitude list: little green tree frogs, our garden, fresh vegetables, my husband, Lisa, Christi and Liz, Beethoven, opportunities, challenges, members of the local OA group, nippy fall mornings

The Stuff That's Under Everything Else

I've been writing about clutter, about how there's fear of forgetting under my procrastination about clutter, about how at the very bottom of each pile there's fear of tossing away bits of myself, as if both the bits and the remainder are insignificant. Thus fear of being insignificant, of not counting for anything, of being small, unimportant and weak is really what's at the bottom of everything else, at the bottom of every pile and stack of clutter.

Yesterday and today I've been contemplating that fear and asking myself what to do about it.

I could take a rational look at these feelings, which probably wouldn't seem very rational under close scrutiny. Yet I don't want to deny or criticize my feelings. They are what they are. However, they get in the way of clearing clutter, which I've already determined is very important to do. So now what?

In OA, the answer is: turn it all over to my higher power. In other words, let go of fear and give up trying to control.

I want to control my mind, to make it remember EVERYTHING, every detail, every person, every thing that happens, every thing I've ever learned. Well, we know that's not possible, not even a little. I need to consciously let go of the notion that if only I do x, y and z I'll be able to remember everything, surrender the notion that surrounding myself with piles of stuff will keep the memories alive for me.

I need to experience and acknowledge the losses, loss of memory, loss of tangible reminders, even loss of self, and then let go of the fear, let God take care of my fears and any other stuff that's under the piles.

Being mindful of letting go and daily progress at eliminating the clutter are my goals. I made some progress yesterday and will give it another hour or so this evening. Yay.

* * * * * * * *
Today's gratitude: spring weather, going to the dump with my husband, no clutter around my computer, selling my old (and possibly collectible) bicycle to somebody who will enjoy fixing it up.

Fear of Forgetting

Yesterday I wrote about clutter, about de-cluttering my physical space and mental space. I agreed to clear four piles from my computer workspace last evening. Here's what happened.

First, and not unexpectedly, I found that I could get a dozen or so things checked off my to-do list, even things that have been on it for a long time, in order to avoid the piles of clutter. Big avoidance. In the past I would have baked cookies or apple crisp or a delicious pie first and felt entitled to eat myself silly prior to starting the de-clutter job. How could de-cluttering be so odious and why???? With pie and cookies off the option list and all the doable to-do things done, by midnight last night there was nothing for it but to begin with the first pile.

Resistance. What is behind the resistance? As I was working with that first pile, I noticed myself getting somewhat anxious (fearful) about tossing things. Here's a partial list of some of the things I was reluctant to toss:

-- business cards, especially artists from whom I've bought things
-- the original copy of a poem I wrote
-- several greeting cards from acquaintances or customers
-- magazine articles
-- invoices from long ago purchases
-- a picture given to me by my husband
-- several poems (not by me)
-- several small gifts from blogging friends
-- maps and brochures from places I've been

Well, there were other things, but this list is somewhat representative. Gifts and cards were the most difficult. Truth be told, I still have almost all of them. Why? Yes they mean something to me as symbols of the fondness people have for me. But why do I need the symbols? I know these people care.

I think I know what it is. I think it's fear of forgetting... forgetting the person, none of whom (except my husband) are in my immediate circle of friends, some of whom I've never met... forgetting who sold me something I might want to buy again... forgetting where I filed the typed version of a poem I wrote... forgetting the information I learned from an article in a magazine... forgetting poems I read a few times and liked.

My mother has dementia, rather seriously, which began when she was about my age. She covered it well for many years, but as she reached her 80s, it became more and more obvious as she'd grope for words, make up stories and flat out admit that she could not recall. I've noticed a slow progression in that direction in myself as well, starting when I was about 50, when I became increasingly unable to recall dates, times, numbers.

I don't want to forget about the people in my life. And there have been a lavish of them as I've traveled all over the country to teach and developed many precious and lasting but distant friendships with students and other artists. Then there are blog friends, hundreds of beaders, quilters and other types of artists with whom I've shared so much. I don't want to forget any of them. I don't WANT to forget anything. Yet it happens every day.

Perhaps my reluctance to deal with the piles has something to do with fear of forgetting some of these people and things. If I clear the clutter by filing these reminders in boxes in the attic, they'll be as good as forgotten, for I know I'll never look in the boxes again. I know this because there are already boxes like that in the attic. They came when I moved here 13 years ago and have never been opened. Therefore, my choice seems to be: either throw away these things or leave them in piles of clutter in my living space.

Either way, my fear is reality based. Alas, I will forget some of them whether or not I keep the physical reminders.

After two hours, the four stacks of stuff around my computer was reduced to one small pile. Many things were tossed or put in recycle. A few things got moved to existing piles in other rooms for attention later. It feels great to sit here typing at my computer with empty counter space and the chair nearby which is no longer a "shelf" holding a 2 ft. pile of papers.

I didn't do any more de-cluttering today in the physical world. But this post will help me in the future, let's say tomorrow as I attack the clutter on and under the kitchen table.

* * * * * *
Today's gratitude: wool sweaters, chickens, good neighbors, doing home improvement projects with my husband

Clutter

It strikes me that there could be a strong correlation between cutter in my house and clutter in my home, house being the physical place where I live and home being the emotional place where I live, my soul or my psyche. Maybe one feeds the other. Maybe the clutter, the piles and stacks of stuff around my computer, for example, are more than a metaphor for the piles and stacks of resentments, blames and losses in my mind. Maybe the physical clutter actually contributes, makes higher (or deeper), the mental clutter. Maybe the reverse is true as well.

For years decades I've been saying I want to de-clutter (get rid of the physical stuff in my house). Once in a while I take on a surface or a shelf, clearing it. Feels good when I do, although it's hard to get started and often I simply re-locate the stuff where I don't see it. But most of the time, I continue to dig through the clutter when I need something, fuss about how it looks, gripe about the time it takes to try to find anything, and berate myself for procrastinating.

Today I want to get to the bottom of procrastination and fix it. Our marriage counselor talks about ego, the part of my personality that resists change, that wants to keep everything just like it is, both physically and emotionally. She tells us we must reach deep into a different place in order to change, a place that begins in compassion, respect, gentleness and love. The ego will resist all change, requiring a conscious effort to put it aside. I'm wondering if her wisdom about changing our attitudes and behaviors toward one another might be useful with clutter procrastination.

If clutter procrastination with the physical stuff in my house IS inter-related with procrastination of clearing emotional clutter, then maybe I could improve my odds of enjoying my marriage by getting rid of physical clutter, one day at a time, one pile at a time. Duh... sounds like a no-brainer to me.

To that end, the Costco magazine again proves useful with an article in the current issue about De-Cluttering (pg 43). I especially like the list of 5 questions to ask when deciding whether to keep or not to keep any specific item:

-- When was the item last used?
-- When might I use it again?
-- Does the object enhance or hinder my life?
-- Has it affected the quality of the life I'm living or want to live?
-- Is it replaceable?

That makes sense. Once the decision about keeping is made, it's important to physically move the item, to put it away if keeping it, or to put it into a specific container destined for the thrift store, dump, recycle, donate, give or sell.

I know from experience that I have to be very wary of the sell option. I procrastinate on that too. I have many boxes of things that people might buy, that I could try to sell on eBay, that are somewhat collectible. Do I do anything about selling them? No. Is it because of the ego wanting to hold on or is it just because I'm not fond of selling? Who knows, maybe both. I need to let go of these things. They are millstones around my neck.

Am I willing to make a commitment right here and now? Oooooh, I feel the resistance... the little voice is saying, "You need to work on your art and catch up on blogging and take your walk... that's enough for one day... you can start de-cluttering later, some other day." I say no to the voice and yes to de-cluttering, one day at a time... starting today.

Today I will de-clutter four piles of stuff in the immediate vicinity of my computer... put away, throw away and recycle all of it. I will ask the five questions and make decisions based on my answers.

Tomorrow I will file a report here and also write more about this subject, about how my 68-year-old memory is cluttered and about how I hold onto stuff, memorabilia, because I'm afraid I'll forget.

* * * * * *
Today's gratitude list: cottage cheese 'n' home-made applesauce, sunshine, signs of spring, people who take the time to read and write blogs.

What's In My Car?

what's in my car?
secrecy
safety
hiding place

safe place to eat
a whole cheesecake
a Dove bar
a box of cookies

nobody will know
if I eat in my car
holding it below the windows
watchful for people I know

mindless binging
eating in my car
sometimes a daily habit
for decades

but only once
in the past 138 days
the fresh bakery bread
two days ago

a friend notices
the red flag
eating in my car
and calls me on it

she suggests
I wonder if car eating
is something you should think
about not doing

she's right
it's on my abstinence list
no more crumbs to clean
before they're noticed

my car and I
will form a new relationship
long solo road-trip ahead
a place to feel my feelings

no more hiding
no more secrecy issues
freedom and sanity
are my rewards

Who Are Our REAL Friends?

Funny thing happened at our County Fair a couple of weeks ago. A friend and I were walking through the main building past the exhibitions of baking and canning where they always put out samples of the baked goods. I'm a sucker for samples... Unless I'm really being conscious, I put out my hand without even thinking.

And that's sort of what happened. I noticed a tray of cookie bits and another tray of small slices from the cakes. Nope, uh-uh... those are binge foods. Oh, but loooookie here... a tray of breads! Several chunks of white bread and here's a very dark-looking bread, maybe pumpernickel or Russian rye? Breads are not on my binge list, so conveniently overlooking my food plan which does not include any eating between meals, my hand went out and snagged that dark bread.

"But wait!" cautioned my friend, who knows about my OA commitments and sometimes reads this blog, "You don't want to eat that!"

Oh yeah? Them there're fightin' words... The fast-acting, non-thinking rebel in me had that bite in my mouth before she finished her thought. Munch, munch.... Uh-oh... this isn't pumpernickel or rye... this is sweet bread, raisin-zucchini maybe. That would be in the pastry department, wouldn't it? Yep, on my binge list. Oh sh**t! Too late to spit it out... down the hatch already.

I didn't say anything about it to my friend; nor did she mention it again. But I thought about it a lot... thought about the rebel in me and about how she gets me in trouble... about how I might want to look at that and do some 4th step work around my rebellious nature.

A week later at our OA meeting, I told this sad tale. When it was his turn to speak, one of the other members talked about his past habits of unconscious eating and rebellious eating. Then he said something very important. He said, referring to my friend, "Those are our REAL friends... the ones who ask us 'Do you really want to eat that?' The kind of friends who say, 'Oh come on, you can have a little taste' or 'just this once won't hurt you' are the ones we don't need around us." Right on, bro!

So, if my REAL friend is reading this post, I thank you kindly for your support and encourage you to nudge me any time you see me faltering. The rebel may win, but your words will stay with me and help me to win the next time.

Sounding the Bread Alarm...

This morning I stopped at our local bakery to deliver a message to a friend who works there... Fresh bread smells from the moment I opened my car door. Rustico, my favorite crusty baguette, was piled high and still warm. Oooo-la-la!

I don't buy much bread any more. It's not on my binge list, but is definitely a trigger for binge thinking and I've been known to lust for bread. Once in a while I buy a loaf, take it home, cut it in roll-sized portions and freeze them individually. Then when we're having a light, salad dinner, I take one from the freezer, thaw it, slice it in half, butter it and broil the slices, toasting them nicely to have with our salads.

In the 136 days since starting OA, I haven't had a problem with bread.... until today. Yep, I bought a loaf of that luscious Rustico, thinking I'd do the usual. But no, that nasty stuff called my name as soon as I got in the car. Just the tip of the baguette, while it's still totally fresh and warm, I thought. Oh, that was good... hmmm, maybe just a bit more... Oh, yum, guess I'll tear off one more chunk....

As I was automatically reaching to tear yet another piece, the voice of my collective OA group penetrated the yeasty aroma saying, "Can you see what you're doing here? Can you see the addict in the car? It's not your meal time. This isn't in your food plan." Yikes! That pulled me up short. Rather than eat more, I folded the bag closed and set my mind to a majorly difficult task. It worked. I got home with no further damage.

But then, at home, the monster suggested I slice the part I had torn with a knife to make the loaf look nice and tidy. How I'd love to say I resisted the monster. Nope... slice & munch. OK, but that's it!

But then, later this evening, the monster got me again. A little hungry. Rain, pouring rain. Walking partner cancelled. Woe is me... I sliced off another piece, put butter and peanut butter on it and ate it right there standing at the kitchen counter. This was a major cheat and it frightens me.

OA collective voices, I need you!

OK, I hear you... I'm going to take a short time-out here and go slice and bag the remainder of the Rustico and put it into the freezer.

Done! (with no nibbles, thanks of OA voices)

Here's what I've decided. Since bread was not on my abstinence list, I will not restart my count. However, as of right now, bread goes on Red Alert status. More than one slice per day will, from now on, be considered a breech of abstinence. And I do NOT want to start my count again. The other members of my OA group do not count their days of abstinence. I think perhaps they are not totally abstinent on any foods. For me, both abstinence and counting are important. I shall continue to do both.

Ooooops.... Feels Like I'm Slippin'

One fitness/recovery blogger I'd really like to meet is PJ, who just wrote a post about mojovation (here). Her word is so perfect, that it needs little explanation... and it's what I need right now.

My binge foods are still totally OK and most days I'm exercising. That's the good news.

Everything else seems to be slipping, a tad here and a tad there. I'm eating a little too much. I'm nibbling a bit more than say a month ago. I'm making less healthy food choices. I'm not doing my daily writing or keeping up with blogging. I've been compulsive about quilting and art projects, staying up until all hours of the night and not getting enough sleep. My commitment to eat lunch meditatively is failing. I'm procrastinating horribly with chores. Mojovation is lacking.

This trend frightens me.

Tonight I'm thinking about why, about what's under my current lack of mojovation?

Maybe it's troubles between my husband and me. We are in marriage counseling, as noted in previous posts. On Friday I'm going on a week-long trip with him. I never wanted to go on this trip and at first refused. In fact, that's what precipitated the blow up and got us talking about divorce and then counseling. Recently, I changed my mind about going because I figure it will lessen his resentments and hopefully make counseling more productive for us.

However, I still don't want to go. Long story why not... doesn't matter. Point is, I'm now faced with 6 travel days, restaurant meals, several make-shift sleeping arrangements (uncomfortable beds) and little expectation of good times.

A very young and very wise, friend tells me, "You need to manifest fun." OK, yes, I agree. That's what I should do. But what I want to do is to stay home! Maybe that's why I'm slippin'.

Ten things I hope want (and will work toward) for our trip:

1. Unexpected fun happens
2. My husband is happier with me
3. My husband gives more positive energy to counseling when we return
4. It isn't as hot as the forecast says it will be
5. We ride safely (we're doing the motorcycles thing again)
6. I don't fall off my abstinence program this time
7. My attitude comes around to a more positive spin on the trip
8. My husband's expectations are not disappointed
9. I live the serenity prayer.
10. I give "grace" to my husband and his friends

I may not blog again for a while... not until we return probably. It's 2 am and I'm beat... but I'm glad I took the time to write tonight, as I think I've discovered what's behind my hiding mojovation. Writing the Ten Things list helps.

365.242199 Days??????

The people in my OA group are fabulous!!! I like and admire every one of them!

Yesterday at the meeting, one person talked about how she used to overeat until she was stuffed and uncomfortable in any position. But that ever since she fully accepted she's powerless over food, it became easy to not overeat or binge. She went on to say that another woman then in the group, who was successful in not overeating for a long time, inspired her when she was new to it. She said, "I want to be like her. I want to be "clean and sober" (not overeat) for a whole year." Today she has met and exceeded her goal.

I certainly recall many instances of stuffing myself until I was in agony. Just recently (March) my husband and I were on vacation in Arizona. Twice in three days we went to a casino near where we were staying to have their "all you can eat" dinners. Both times we stuffed ourselves mercilessly to the point where we had to unbutton our jeans on the way home, take multiple tums and anti-acid tabs and were grossly uncomfortable for the rest of the evening and into the night. Twice we did it!!!!

One of the other members of my OA group talked about how "normal" stuffing ourselves has become in our society. How families take it for granted that at holidays, parties, potlucks, church events, etc. everyone gets stuffed and nobody thinks anything of it.

Anyway, in 43 days of abstinence, I can happily say that I've not been stuffed once. I like it!!! My sanity is returning!

Since the meeting, I've been thinking about the possibility of one year of abstinence and whether or not I want to identify it as a goal. So far, it's worked well for me to think of my food plan as "one day at a time." Just for today, I can stick to it. It seems that setting a goal toward one year of sobriety sounds a little like "one year at a time." Just for this one year, I can stick to it.

Hmmmm... I'm not so sure I can embrace a whole year... Not that I wouldn't love to be there at the other end of 365.242199 days, looking back and saying, "I like it!!! My sanity has returned!"

If I'm Honest...

...I have to admit it's been a tough few days on several fronts. People I love, family and close friends, are leaning on me, claiming my energy. People who follow my other blogs, students from my past, complete strangers to me are calling me on the phone and writing emails, wanting assistance or just to be heard. 10 things I'm feeling:

1. drained
2. tired
3. like eating vast amounts of chocolate cake might help
4. angry
5. afraid (have I let any of them down?)
6. resentful
7. thankful
8. exhausted
9. humbled
10. sad, very sad

Yesterday I made a long trip to be with a friend who needed me. I was alone traveling in both directions. I didn't think to take a good book on tape. I didn't even turn on the radio or listen to a favorite CD. Not sure why not... Maybe quiet seemed like a good thing.

Thinking about life's ups and downs, about problems and losses we all face, about how we cope, about my binge foods and how they really wouldn't help me get through this week any more easily. Voice of reason speaking, but that didn't seem to stop me from dwelling on certain treats I would have allowed myself in the past.

Feeling sorry for myself; feeling burdened; feeling heavy and sad... all excuses to consume many treats in the past. Giving myself rewards because I carry on, treats as compensation for doing things that seem difficult. Now what do I do? Now how can I reward myself?

That's actually a good question. 10 things I might possibly substitute for food/treat rewards:

1. maybe rather than need rewards, I need to identify and set better boundaries?
2. an hour of quiet to do whatever I want
3. take a walk at a favorite place
4. an early haircut, before I start looking shaggy
5. 15 minutes in the rocker with the cat on my lap
6. repeat the serenity prayer
7. give myself time to paint
8. write morning pages
9. ask my husband for a big hug
10. ??????

That was really difficult! I sat forever trying to think of one more thing that wasn't food-related and finally gave up.

So, I'm asking anybody who's reading this... what rewards do you give yourself that aren't in any way about food?

10 Good Things (and 10 Not-Quite-So-Good Things)

I love making lists when I'm journaling because often they help me uncover something important. My first list for today is Ten good things:

1. I've not binged or eaten even a tiny crumb of my binge foods for 35 days. I feel great about making an abstinence commitment to myself and keeping it, thus honoring and respecting myself enough not to cheat.
2. I'm doing well sticking to my food plan.
3. I'm much more comfortable in my jeans; almost time to downsize!
4. My digestive system likes my food plan; not needing Tums and anti-acid tablets.
5. I feel supported by the OA structure and group members.
6. I enjoy writing this journal blog.
7. The blogging community is supportive, inspirational, fun and instructive.
8. My husband is pleased with me for doing this.
9. One day at a time works!
10. My craving for sweets seems to be diminishing!

Ten not-quite-so-good things:

1. It difficult for me not to stop eating when I'm not hungry when there is still food on my plate.
2. I sometimes "taste" foods and nibble while I am preparing meals. This is not part of my food plan.
3. I read a blog last night that totally slammed OA. It upset me to think that I could fail at regaining my sanity. I need to remember that many people remain "clean and sober" for the rest of their lives. I can be like those people.
4. My best friend is gone again. I miss her.
5. I had a nice burst of doing my art work, but have relapsed again into procrastination.
6. I haven't found a form of prayer that works for me yet.
7. Sometimes I feel like a fake... like I'm role-playing this sobriety process... saying and doing the "right" things, yet not fully engaged.
8. I'm having a problem with significant heel pain (despite ice, Aleeve, changing shoes) which means I'm not walking very much. I miss it.
9. I tend to forget that change happens in baby steps. It feels like I'm rushing to feel my feelings, find faith, make amends and radically alter my eating habits all at once... forgetting to breathe and love what I love.
10. The scale is calling me.

What is one thing in the second list that I can change? #5... I can change that. OK, I will. I hereby make a public commitment to work for at least one hour per day on my current art project for 5 days starting right now. I shall stop writing, stop blogging and go to the studio immediately. Oh boy, oh boy!!!

Pick Myself Up, Dust Myself Off, And Start All Over Again...

Not a great day for my 3 areas of commitment and not a very good day for my food plan either....

The facts:

Not enough sleep (3rd night in a row).

Went to OA meeting... told about the 10 things list leading to serenity prayer leading to commitments. Noticed my shoulders drop into relaxation.

Immediately after OA, went to a quilting work-day. Pot luck. Lots and lots of foods and deserts. Went armed with food plan: took my own food and sat at the table furthest away from the food spread. Saw somebody eating what looked like cashews coated with sesame seeds. My food plan calls for one plate or bowl and no seconds. I had already eaten the food I brought. Went to the food spread, found sesame/cashews and took a handful. Ate them. Yum. Took a second handful. Ate most. Got to thinking about how the sesame seeds were stuck to the cashews. No! I was eating something quite sweet, like maybe caramel. Pop. The last few popped themselves into my mouth.

Dinner tonight. One plate, yes, but perhaps a tad overloaded and all consumed.

The Feelings:

I want to name all the feelings I had at the quilting thing... not all at once and not all the time... some fleeting, some more pronounced.

Sad and angry that my good quilting/art friend didn't choose to sit at my table and seemed to be ignoring me until the very end of the day.

Lonely in a crowded room... most of the time I was there and especially at first.

Bewildered, a little, about the quilt I'm working on. It has a lot of small but difficult decisions that need to be made.

Overwhelmed by all the noise... talking and sewing machines... a couple of women with very loud, piercing voices.

Happy in a rub off sort of way. Most of the women there were having a really good time; lots of laughter.

Glad to be making a little progress on my quilt. Glad and thankful that we have a community of women who make quilts in our town.

Angry about eating those sugary nuts. Angry about not winning a drawing. I wanted the item very much and spent $15 buying tickets for it. Angry that there was so much noise.

Jealous of the women sitting at my friend's table. Jealous of the winner of the drawing.

Afraid that I'll never really feel like I belong to that group, even though I'm not sure I want to belong. Afraid that I did or said something to impair the trust and camaraderie with my friend. Afraid that I may be starting to slip off my food plan. Afraid nobody there likes me. Afraid I'm not a likable person.

Well, that gets to the root of the matter, doesn't it?! Yikes! I certainly wasn't aware of all those feeling while I was there. In retrospect, it's easy to find them and to belatedly feel my feelings.

I don't know if it's good or bad to list and revisit my feelings. However, I do know that prayer never entered my mind. I had just come from an OA meeting, yet the part where I rely on a power stronger than my own (the Universe, God)and pray for guidance, reassurance, love, forgiveness... that part never entered the room with me.

I am not perfect. I do not have to be perfect. I move forward with greater understanding and the hope of recognizing my feelings and responding with prayer the next time.

Progress Reprot #3

This is day 3 of 5 on my CAN DO goals... Here's the report so far:

#1 ~ Clean up/organize at least one area.... Ran out of motivation or steam or was just plain lazy today (so far). I hope to get back on track tomorrow

#2 ~ Spend at least one hour working on an art project.... Today was another glorious date with my art project! I'm almost finished with one and have started another so as to avoid that syndrome where I get stuck after finishing something. I notice that it cuts down on my computer and blogging time to be doing my art. Maybe the trick is to improve the balance rather than going overboard with one or the other. Hmmm... a little like overeating and dieting....

#3 ~ Go wherever I need to go to be alone with no radio or TV sounds for at least one hour.... Like yesterday, I enjoyed complete silence while working in my studio. Tonight as I type away here at the computer, my husband's music (from his computer) and TV (in the living room) are not bothering me at all. Obviously I need some quiet most days, but not constant quiet.

We drove out to see the sun set after dinner this evening.... It was so lovely, making everything look so warm and rosy. Somehow it feels like maybe I'm starting to climb out of a hole. I am grateful to Overeaters Anonymous and the book that got me there (Holy Hunger) for showing me a pathway to a more sane way of eating and living (day 26 today).

Also, I am deeply thankful for the support of those who are reading this journal... I had no idea anybody would want to read my ramblings and am surprised by how much the comments inspire and support me!

Progress Report #2

Quick post tonight as it's late and I'm tuckered out. Here's day 2 of 5 progress report:

#1 ~ Clean up/organize at least one area.... My husband's been wanting me to hem two new pairs of jeans for him. For the past two months they've been sitting on a chair in our living room. Tonight they are hemmed and put away. Hallelujah!

#2 ~ Spend at least one hour working on an art project.... Check!!!! Today was glorious! I spent 5 hours beading, stitching and painting! I'm feeling so fine... and not one single obsessive food thought all day.

#3 ~ Go wherever I need to go to be alone with no radio or TV sounds for at least one hour.... Often when I'm working in my studio, my husband stays in the house (with his various sounds of music). So today, except for a couple of phone calls and one "visit" from my husband, the whole time I was doing art was in total peace and quiet. I had nearly 4 hours in silence. Waaaahoooo!

Hard to believe that I ever let his music bug me when there's such a simple solution with multiple benefits. I must remember this.

I've been thinking a lot about reasons I eat, about obsession in general and about my history of various obsessions in particular. It feels a tad self-indulgent to think about myself so much... hopefully it's a necessary part of recovery and healing.

Progress Report #1

Today was much better in the chocolate and fritter obsessing department. In fact, those doors were closed all day. Yay!!!

It definitely helped to fess up. Even as I wrote yesterday about craving fritters, they became less appealing. Chocolate? Well, no... I think rich, dark chocolate will always look good to me.

What helped even more was realizing that there are things I cannot change (like the oil in the Gulf and financial shakiness in the world) and things I CAN change, like the mess of papers around my computer. That insight allowed me to focus my energy on the things I can do, shifting it away from wanting to sugar binge.

OK, now the report. I commited to the following:

1. For each of the next 5 days, I will clean up/organize at least one area, starting this evening with the clutter right around my computer. I will report my progress each day.
2. For each of the next 5 days, I will spend at least one hour working on an art project. I will report my progress each day.
3. For each of the next 5 days, I will go wherever I need to go to be alone with no radio or TV sounds for at least one hour. I will report my progress each day.

#1... Oh joy of joys! I DID clean up the mess around my computer. Tonight I'm lovin' it... a few small, tidy stacks and the rest is gone. Not easy... Things I should have done. Things I wish I had done. Things I could have done. A few I kept... most went into the recycle bin. I am not perfect and never will be...

#2... Yes! Today I worked on an art project for 3 hours! I feel great about it!

#3... I didn't quite get an hour of quiet... more like a half hour. It was the last half hour that I was working on my art project, so it was a two-for-one blessing. Even a half hour makes me feel rejuvenated. I shall try for a whole hour tomorrow.