Starting Over

Have you ever devoured an entire cheese cake, a thick, bakery-fresh, New York style, cheese cake, one designed to serve 4 people, in one sitting? If so, you know how horrible it makes you feel a little while later, and how fuzzy your teeth get.  If not, don't. It does not fix your despair. It does not make you feel better. In fact, quite the contrary, it makes you feel a thousand times worse, as you set your abstinence back to zero... again... as you realize once again that compulsive eating makes you feel crazy. I know, because that's what happened yesterday.

The good news is, that was yesterday. Today I was abstinent. Reminder to self: it makes you feel great to be abstinent.

That's all for today. Tomorrow is another new day, day 2 maybe.

I Just Ate Compulsively

I've been feeling blue all day. I found no solace at the OA meeting this morning, which is surprising, as generally there's at least one pearl offered and received. I found no excitement in quilting this afternoon. I went to a Contra dance, after having not danced for 15 years, and sat out half of the numbers. There were about 10 more women there than men, and I was an unknown entity. So I guess it was a given that I would find myself in that awkward wall-flower position, smile pasted on my face, growing more uncomfortable by the minute. When I got home this evening, I realized that my bra straps must have been showing all evening.... that sinking "spinach on the teeth" feeling.... the "I'm no good" feeling... the blues closing in on me.

And so, I got out a bag of dried coconut and started binging. It never even crossed my mind that "the answer is not in the bag of coconut." The driving force, the need to comfort myself, just took over. All that I've learned in OA was invisible until I ate so much coconut that I felt physical discomfort.

Isn't that ironic? I'm seeking comfort, in my old, compulsive way, and end up with greater discomfort. Right now, at this moment, I understand people who purge. I can imagine the relief. I've never purged, and most likely never will because I super hate throwing up.

Last night, when I couldn't sleep, I got out the "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous. Flipping through the stories at the end of the book, #15 caught my eye. It starts out like this:

When I had been in A.A. only a short while, an oldtimer told me something that has affected my life ever since. "A.A. does not teach us how to handle our drinking," he said. "It teaches us how to handle sobriety."

Because I eat compulsively when I experience discomfort (due to fear, boredom, loneliness, whatever), it's important for me to learn other ways to handle discomfort. OA has taught me some tricks. But tonight they were simply not in my consciousness at all. I hope, like the author of #15, that by persevering with OA, and all it offers, I will learn how to handle sobriety (in the sense of not compulsively overeating).

Confusion and Food

In my present state of confusion and uncertainty, food is ever more attractive. The kitchen calls me, loud and insistent. "Come! I will comfort you! I will fill the empty, lonely, sad place in your heart."

I make tea, thinking that will help. Normally I add a little splenda to my black tea. These days, the kitchen offers honey... ooooh, gooey, sweet... even more will be better.

I notice, reading PJ's recent post, that I'm not alone in being lured by a voice that says, "Restaurant food is better! You need pizza tonight. Pizza will help." Tonight however, my HP guided me to my own refrigerator, where I found left-over pea, bean, veggie, ham soup, which was totally delicious and much better than restaurant pizza. Thank you HP.

The group consciousness of the readers/commenters to Words Paint and writers of other related blogs helps too. I am so grateful for the comments to my previous post. There were many helpful ideas and a sense of support that has helped me immeasurably, both with taking baby steps and with the siren song of food.

In the past week, many other angels buoyed my spirits as well...

• friends who listen and share their thoughts
• my sister-in-law who suggests I go on the internet and read about the signs of verbal abuse and label myself as a victim of it
• a real estate agent, previously unknown to me, who is gentle, accepting and understanding
• my longest time friend, who listens so well
• my OA group which is a special source of wisdom and calm

I will share more of the ongoing process in a later post. But for now, I just want to voice my gratitude for readers, HP, and the angels mentioned above.

Compulsive Overeating - New Beginnings

Book writing and two eye surgeries are behind me now. During the 9 months of book and eyes, I've gone off my food plan, returning to some of my former compulsive overeating habits, looking to comfort foods to deal with stress, anxiety, fear and procrastination. I'm admitting it, full disclosure.... I don't weigh myself, but am guessing I gained 10-15 pounds during this time.

Did compulsive overeating, between meal snacking on large quantities of nuts and chips, help me get through the stresses, etc? Did it help me to avoid procrastination. Nope, I don't think so. Actually I used snacks to procrastinate, to avoid working on the book. And I'm certain it added to my stress levels that I was obviously gaining weight.

To my other fears, compulsive overeating added a fear of sinking into the abyss of addiction, returning to binge eating of my abstinence foods, spiraling into horrendous weight gain, until once again I was squeezing into size 18 jeans and avoiding people because of my shame. So, no... it didn't help. I knew it wouldn't, and yet I ate.

I'm going boldly out on a limb here... I FORGIVE myself. I made mistakes and I forgive myself for them. I let got of the mistakes and look to the future.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Today I re-embrace my food plan. Today I let go of the mistakes and begin re-winding the spiral, moving toward healthy eating and following a sensible food plan. The book, eye surgeries and compulsive overeating are behind me now. The blessings of new beginnings grace me.

Comfort Foods and Eye Surgery

After more fiddle-farting around with various appointments and required physical (to make sure I'm fit for day-surgery), I'm finally scheduled for cataract surgery. Left eye is Wednesday, May 2; right eye is on May 16th. I'm already doing the pre-surgery drops.

Half of me is still quite fearful and anxious about the procedure itself. The other half of me can't wait to see better. Everything is blurry now. I have trouble sewing, especially threading the needle (even with extra magnification). In the grocery store, the aisles look like a blur of color and shapes with no distinguishing characteristics. That's WITH my glasses.

I'm going on record to say that this is all going to work out fine and that by June 15th I'll have new glasses for close-up work (computer, stitching, beading) and no need for distance correction at all.

Meanwhile, comfort foods call me. Today, especially. I had some flavored yogurt in the fridge and a tub of Cool Whip (which I normally don't like much or get into). Mixed together, they made a lovely, smooth, sweet comfort treat. Yummm. Big baked potato, smothered in butter and sour cream for supper. Honey and PB were calling me all day, though I haven't succumbed yet.

I figure a little comfort food in the two days before the first surgery is justifiable. Yes, it's feeding my addiction. Yes, I'm using it to numb myself and for just a moment to escape my fears. So be it.

Wind Scares Me

Skunk Cabbage, picture taken last week

 Our weather has been somewhere between January blizzard and March winds... some snow, quite cold, dreary, and the worst part for me... high winds. We are surrounded by tall trees, Doug Fir mostly, and live on the top of a ridge. The winds sweep up the ridge, gathering momentum it seems, and slam into our house, actually moving it and making horrendous noises. Eeeek. I have trouble sleeping when it's like this.

Must be age-related. I recall as a kid loving storms, the more violent, the more fun. We lived in MN during my school years. Tornadoes and thunder/lightening storms were not uncommon. Once, during college, I was visiting a friend who lived on a farm. We were out in the fields when a tornado suddenly developed. We hit the ditch none too soon, as it thundered over us in one exciting whoosh. Later that afternoon, we saw a large motor boat (6 passenger) wedged in the fork of an oak tree about 8 feet up. Still, I wasn't scared then, only excited and in awe of nature's force.

Same Skunk Cabbage, 3 days later

Seems fears have little by little been creeping into my life as I face turning 70 in 6 months. One of them is wind. Not breezes, mind you, but near gale force winds. And we've had a lavish of them lately. My walking partner and I walked in moderate gale winds today. The trees - alder, fir, hemlock, madrona, and maple - were cracking and creaking. Branches (ok, mostly not very large ones) were strewn everywhere along the road, and one good sized tree was down. Never was I so glad to get home, although with all the trees around our home, many of them a good 200' tall, it doesn't feel very safe inside either.

Skunk Cabbage in a creek

I'm writing about fear because experiencing it makes me want to eat, eat, eat... Comfort food... need comfort food, which to me is peanut butter and honey on toast or a big bowl of granola. Have not given in to it. Just for today, I'm acting as if everything is going to be OK. Just for today I'm writing about fear rather than eating about fear.

*****

Gratitude for the day: at time of post, all trees around house are still standing; time to write; fabric; internet; walking partner; DB