Confusion and Food

In my present state of confusion and uncertainty, food is ever more attractive. The kitchen calls me, loud and insistent. "Come! I will comfort you! I will fill the empty, lonely, sad place in your heart."

I make tea, thinking that will help. Normally I add a little splenda to my black tea. These days, the kitchen offers honey... ooooh, gooey, sweet... even more will be better.

I notice, reading PJ's recent post, that I'm not alone in being lured by a voice that says, "Restaurant food is better! You need pizza tonight. Pizza will help." Tonight however, my HP guided me to my own refrigerator, where I found left-over pea, bean, veggie, ham soup, which was totally delicious and much better than restaurant pizza. Thank you HP.

The group consciousness of the readers/commenters to Words Paint and writers of other related blogs helps too. I am so grateful for the comments to my previous post. There were many helpful ideas and a sense of support that has helped me immeasurably, both with taking baby steps and with the siren song of food.

In the past week, many other angels buoyed my spirits as well...

• friends who listen and share their thoughts
• my sister-in-law who suggests I go on the internet and read about the signs of verbal abuse and label myself as a victim of it
• a real estate agent, previously unknown to me, who is gentle, accepting and understanding
• my longest time friend, who listens so well
• my OA group which is a special source of wisdom and calm

I will share more of the ongoing process in a later post. But for now, I just want to voice my gratitude for readers, HP, and the angels mentioned above.

Food Myths

At our OA meeting today, I started thinking about the myths I hold to be true about food. I call them myths, because that's mostly what they are, although there may be partial or occasional truth involved with some of them. Here are the myths:

1. I'm a busy, active person. Therefore, I need to eat a lot of food.
2. I need a lot of protein.
3. If it's mealtime, I should eat... even when I'm not hungry.
4. I should always eat when I'm hungry, having at least a snack if it's not mealtime.
5. If one helping tastes good and satisfies me, more will be even better.
6. Carbs and sweets will make me feel better.
7. Carbs and sweets will alleviate boredom.
8. Getting together with friends should always involve eating.
9. When company comes, I need to feed them well, or they will think I'm a terrible hostess.
10. I deserve food treats.
11. I am entitled to food treats as rewards.
12. Thin people don't eat enough; they are unhealthy.
13. A little bit of food won't hurt me.
14. I show my love for people, by feeding them.
15. I give myself love when I feed myself.
16. It's natural to want to eat
17. I can't stop myself from eating too much.
18. I can eat too much of _____ right now and not ever do it again.
19. I'm tall and big; therefore my body need a lot of fuel.
20. On the days I walk for an hour, I deserve and need extra food.

Humph!!!!

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Gratitude for today:  walking with Gayle, my new computer, Robert's wacky (make me giggle) sense of humor, improved water filter, Great Courses, my hands

If Food Isn't the Answer, What Is?????

Because of the wise practice of one of my fellow OA members, I've started meeting myself in the kitchen at those times when I find myself there searching the shelves. As soon as I become aware of myself standing there (sometimes I haven't a clue how I got there....), I mention to myself, "The answer isn't here."

Sometimes I reply to myself, "Who cares, I'm going to eat chips, peanut butter or whatever anyway!" Other times I reply, "Yeah, you're right. Guess I'll make some tea. Or, guess I'll go back to work." I like the practice. It's working.

Today, though, I got to thinking, "OK, so the answer isn't here, then where is it?" I'm going to modify the practice a bit to include this question. Just for fun, I think I'll try to answer it for a couple of senarios.

I'm in the kitchen. I realize the answer isn't there. I ask, "the answer to what?"

1. Boredom. That's a biggie. I've always sought food when I'm bored. So where is the answer to boredom? Here are some possibilities:
--->change - do something different, something new perhaps
--->service - do something for somebody else, my husband perhaps
--->fresh air - go for a walk, play in the garden, sit on the deck

2. Fear. Yup, that's another biggie. Been wrestling with that one a lot lately, especially about installing and learning my new computer and operating system. So where is the answer to fear if it's not on the kitchen shelves? Here are some possibilities:
--->ask for help - this worked with the computer; I asked my husband
--->just do it - do it anyway; ramrod right over the fear
--->baby steps - do the thing I do know or do understand; forget the big picture

3. Being stuck. This doesn't happen so often. But sometimes I'm waiting on information from somebody before I can do something else. I get stuck. This one is similar to boredom. So there I am in the kitchen a little resentful for having to wait for whatever it is, with time on my hands to kill. So where is the answer to being stuck? Here are some possibilities:
--->keep a list - a daily to do list that includes things which only take a few minutes to do
--->meditate - use the waiting time to meditate
--->write a post - ha ha, that's what I'm doing right now! Waiting for a phone call.

OK, well that's enough for now. I'll see how this works and if I can expand the list. The steps are:

1. I'm in the kitchen and it's not meal time
2. I remind myself, "The answer isn't here."
3. I ask myself, "The answer to WHAT isn't here?"
4. I recognize the need or feeling or mood and name it.
5. I ask myself, "OK, then, where might the answer be?"

It's a plan, Sam!

Book = Stress = Graze

THE BOOK is taking all of my time. I'm stressed to the max about every part of it... the contract, the deadlines, the enormity of it and of how much I have to learn before I can write certain parts of it. Akkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. There aren't enough k's in the universe to spell the Akkkkkkkkkkkkkkk I'm feeling these days.

I'm still abstinent. Solidly!

But the grazing is bugging me. Every time I have to go near the kitchen, which is often because it's the pathway to the only bathroom in our odd little house, I stop and check all the food places... the shelves, the cupboards, the counter and the refrigerator.

Sometimes I tell myself, "I don't overeat anymore. I'm getting out of here."

Sometimes I tell myself, "This is rotten. I need something. I need peanut butter on a cracker" (or some such nonsense). Then I fall into the food trap, trying to soothe my jangled nerves by sending something to my belly. It doesn't work. As soon as I leave the kitchen (where I've just consumed the something standing up), the jangle is back.

The only solution that works is to get away from the computer, take a break and go walking in the woods. Then, and only then, I can forget for a few moments the millstone around my neck. Oh, it's not so bad. Periodically I have fun with it, enjoy the challenge, enjoy the process. Then I remain glued to the computer or my studio and forget all about eating. "Why can't it always be like that," she whined????????

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Today's gratitude: the woods, music in the park, Mahler's first symphony. our garden, Deb Will Be Free (who gave me the nod that influenced me to write this post), beads, the guest contributors to my book, Liz (who had a birthday yesterday), our funny cat, OA meeting tomorrow morning!

Acting on vs. Reacting to...

At every OA meeting certain materials are read, the invitation, twelve steps, twelve traditions, etc. Early in my OA days, I wondered if I'd start getting bored, if repeating the same material every week was maybe a little stupid.

After more than a year, I'm the first to say, it's neither boring or stupid. In fact, nearly every meeting I hear something new in it, something significant jumps forward, making an impression.

Today it was the passage in the invitation that says (roughly paraphrased): we learn to act on the things that happen in our lives rather than react to them. I immediately thought about last night and applied those words to the situation, trying to imagine how I could have acted on rather than reacting to. Here's what happened.

Late yesterday afternoon, my husband and I went to a multi-family barn/garage sale. I'm hyper-aware right now of all my stuff and am trying to lighten my load. My husband is a hoarder and compulsive shopper. Yep, lots of stuff there for him. He kept finding one more irresistible bargain until he had what seemed to be a mountain of stuff, a whole car trunk full. My irritation grew accordingly until it was a correspondingly-sized mountain of anger, criticism, judgements and resentments.

But knowing what happens if I show him my anger, I tried as best I could to keep the lid on it. I did say that the large, multiple-holder, fake brass, candelabra he bought for $5 was ugly. Other than that, I stuffed my feelings.

Next we went out to dinner at an upscale Mexican-SW restaurant that was really busy. Chips were served immediately and we ordered. Ate the chips, all of them. They brought another basket of chips. Ate them too. Ate the dinner as well when it finally arrived. Went home stuffed, uncomfortable, reaching for the now infrequently needed Tums.

What was I doing?

1. I was over eating.
2. I was compulsively over eating.
3. I was mindlessly over eating, seeking to numb myself I suppose.
4. I was reacting to my husband buying more stuff.
   
5. I was reacting to the delay in getting our food.
6. I was reacting to stuffed anger and resentment.

This is a really good lesson or example I can use to explore what I might have done if I thought about acting on these situations. I'll take them one at a time.

A few possibilities for acting on the garage sale situation.

1. Say the serenity prayer to myself. Pray for serenity.
2. Think about what I can change... maybe my attitude.
3. Think about what I can not change... maybe his habit of accumulating more stuff.
4. Think about what I could ask him to change at this time... maybe ask him if he would put back half of the stuff.
5. Speak about my anger, not directing it at him, but asking him if he understands that bringing more stuff to our home upsets me, even when it's nice or useful.
6. Knowing of his tendency in advance, perhaps I could have made a bargain before we got there, an agreement that we would each get so many "tickets" (good for buying one thing per ticket), whatever we could agree on. Then maybe I could give him one of mine.
7. Once we departed, recognizing my anger, name it, bring forward forgiveness, remember anger never solves problems, recognize that I'll probably want to eat compulsively because of it.

Baby steps. Baby steps for me, for my sanity, toward learning to act rather than react.

And the delay at the restaurant?

1. Yikes, I don't know... how could I act rather than react? Well, first I'd have to recognize that I was reacting, that eating chips was reacting.
2. Make a conscious effort to be mindful about each chip.
3. Name what I'm doing... "I am compulsively eating these chips."
4. Make a conscious effort to ask myself, "Why am I compulsively eating these chips?" And then, "Is it really helping the situation?"

There must be more and better things I can do. The point now is just that I recognize the importance of learning about and experimenting with the concept of acting on situations where I am feeling angry, resentful, fearful, etc. It's tricky and will take conscious effort, probably for quite a while.

Ah.... Home Again!!!

One day short of two weeks since I last wrote and now all of those stressful things are behind me, leaving me, however, with a respiratory infection (fever, chills, cough, aches everywhere) that kept me in bed for two whole days. Today I'm feeling better, although I'm still coughing my lungs inside out. (Hate that!)

The next stressful thing is two weekends from now, the Artists Studio Tour (which I posted about here, on my other blog). There will be snacks and treats for our guests and there will be times when there are no customers, when I'm bored and discouraged at the temporary lack of sales. Bored and discouraged... couldn't be two more aggressive triggers for binging and overeating.

However, I'm encouraged by the past two weeks, especially teaching a two-day class where the students brought the most delicious-looking treats, set out for all to share: M&Ms, candy shop chocolates and other special candies, home-made lemon bars and carrot cake with cream cheese frosting. Eeeeee-yike! That was a disaster waiting to happen. But I was good, sticking to my abstinence program and touching nary a crumb. True, I was neither bored nor discouraged while teaching this lively, talented group of women... so maybe I have nothing to crow about here.

By the way, thanks to readers who supported me with these stressful, back-to-back events, and who gave me great ideas and recipes for preparation of vegetarian meals. Our guest was very pleased and so was I!

Changes

My husband and I have been viewing several of The Great Courses recently and are now about 1/3 of the way into Lifelong Health: Achieving Optimum Well-Being at Any Age, by Professor Anthony Goodman. By the way, should anybody be interested in any of these courses, don't buy them from the website! Write or call to ask for a catalog and wait until they go on sale for 60 or 70% off.

Anyway, Prof Goodman has some excellent tips about health and change. Three that he repeats are:

1. One Degree ~ change your course in one degree increments. Over a long period of time, even a one degree change will land you in a different place. I like this at lot. Nothing radical. For example, neither me nor my husband likes fish. So for our 13 years together, I have never cooked it for us. We recognize the need for fish oils in our diet, so we take supplements. The good Prof, doesn't recommend supplements, suggesting we get our vitamins, etc. from whole foods. Ugh... cooking fish. However, we don't need to do it every night. Just one night a week and a couple tuna salads for lunches will give us a 10 degree change. And that is significant over time!


2. Goldilocks ~ choose the "bed" that fits you. Despite his recommendations about healthy lifestyle and foods, he suggests we always steer toward what fits us, our likes, dislikes, comfort zone. I like this too. He makes strong suggestions, but at the same time seems to understand and value that we know ourselves best.


3. Whole Foods ~ Yep, I always knew it. But now with the Prof's persuasive language backed by scientific studies he sites, I see the whole value of whole foods. Again, just by making a shift a couple of nights a week, we can lean that way more with our diet.

So with our new vegetable garden and wisdom gleaned from Prof Goodman, I'm pretty sure my husband and I are headed toward a course change for the better with our eating!

Ten Good Things about Me

After reading my last post, coral-seas commented that she'd like me to write a list of ten good things about me. Seems like a good challenge, so guess I'll try it.

Oh, yeah, and I'll curb my instinct to be flippant or shallow about it. Ten good things about me, Peacefulbird:

1. I tend to be a peace-maker in my family, with neighbors, among friends. I value peace over being right and try to help others see peaceful solutions and compromises when they are in conflict.
2. I trust most people most of the time. I believe their intent is good and that that they are honest.
3. I like most people and most animals.
4. Although I can sometimes make harsh judgements about people, I'm open to changing my mind, willing to give them the benefit of the doubt long enough to find reasons for reversing my negative opinion.
5. I can be trusted with secrets and rarely gossip about others.
6. I respect differences. Different styles, tastes, appearances, opinions, histories, countries are of interest to me. I have always liked learning about and exchanging ideas with people who live differently than I do.
7. I am a loyal friend to my inner-circle of close friends and family members.
8. I am generous with my time and knowledge.
9. I love to laugh and am a good foil for people who know how to be funny, like my husband and many of my friends.
10. I am adventurous by nature, intrepid about just doing it, whatever it is.

OK! I didn't know if I could do this or not, but it wasn't as difficult as I imagined. Thanks to coral-seas for suggesting this.

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Gratitude for today: Rain filling our cisterns, beautiful beads from far away places, having what I need when I want to make something, bunnies, Julie and Lunnette (both sent me bunny cards in the mail that came today).

When I'm Stuck...

Off and on, for about 20 years, I've been writing morning pages... well, sort of like morning pages. Technically speaking, according to Julia Cameron in the Artist's Way, we need to write every day (did for a few months, rarely since then), in the morning (rarely), three full pages (often four) and in longhand (half the time on my computer). The only part I do consistently is write from my stream of consciousness, uncensored... whatever comes along gets written.

When I get stuck, I often write, "What am I blocking; what don't I want to write?" And that seems to bring forth whatever it is.

Tonight when I signed in, I realized I haven't posted here for four days. Stuck. What am I blocking; what don't I want to write? I don't want to write about failures. I don't want to write about how it feels like I'm slipping in so many areas. I don't want to write about how I get insights about how to live more mindfully, with more gratitude, with less clutter, with more honesty and above all with less overeating. I have a moment or two of compliance.

Then I slip, slop, slide down the hill into my old ways.

My sister-in-law is in a mindfulness group, learning how to eat mindfully among other things. She takes time before eating to smell her foods and to look at them with appreciation. She takes time to give thanks to every growing/living thing that contributed to her meal. She swallows every bite completely before putting more in her mouth.

What a great way to eat, eh? Yes! I remembered to eat like that only one time. I don't want to write about all the times I start a program that obviously will benefit me, then fall away from it. I don't want to write about how falling away from one thing contributes to falling away from others.

I don't want to write about how much I need to embrace imperfection. I guess there's a part of me, maybe even a big part of me, that wants to be perfect. A dear OA friend gave me a book on that subject*... maybe it will help. I seem to be in a critical, judgmental mood tonight. Antidote: list 10 things I'm grateful for...

1. sunshine today
2. my two quilting-beading-stitching buddies
3. shooting star flowers
4. all the beautiful colors and textures of moss
5. people who work diligently, carefully and cleanly
6. our cat
7. people I don't even know who support my artistic process
8. morning pages
9. a book on embracing imperfection
10. my husband

In case my husband is reading this, these are not in any particular order ;>)

I'm still feeling stuck and critical, but maybe a little less so.

*The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown. One thing she says that makes a lot of sense to me is that "shame loves secrecy." Maybe that's part of the reason why both an AA-based program and blogging help me. I can't live in hiding, in a state of shame, so much when I blog and go to meetings.

Takes More Than Abstinence

Day 139 of abstinence today, close to 5 months with no chocolate, candy, cookies, cake, pie, ice cream or pastries, not even a smidgen or a taste. These days have gone by well:

-- I don't feel deprived
-- The voices, the internal dialogs about having treats, are gone
-- I feel pretty good physically
-- I'm getting better at feeling my feelings
-- Mutual friendship and respect are improving with my husband
-- I'm starting to trust in OA, enough to give away my quality "fat clothes"
-- Little by little I am developing faith in a higher power

Apparently, however, it takes more than abstinence from binge foods to go from size 12 down to size 10 jeans. I've been wearing 12's for about 4 months... tight at first, then comfortable, then holding steady for a long time. I've stopped getting smaller.

I know what the problem is. I haven't stuck to my food plan. Bringing it out, dusting it off, here it is: three meals a day, nothing between meals, no seconds, no more per meal than will fit on one plate or in one bowl. This is a simple meal plan. And it works. In my first 5 months of OA (prior to the current 139 days of abstinence), I went from extremely tight size 18 jeans to loose size 14 jeans. In those months, I pretty much stuck to the food plan.

Since then, binge-food abstinence has been perfect, but I gradually ramped up the amount of food I was eating for meals, plus I added nibbling and then outright eating between meals.

Wake up, peaceful bird! This is overeating! Do I want to continue overeating? NO! Do I want to wear size 10 jeans and take an additional load off my knees and feet? YES! I need help to get back on and then to stick with the plan. HELP! I can not seem to do this by myself. I ask my higher power to take over here. I surrender my will.

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Gratitude for today: Lake Briggs (serene, beautiful, quiet) and the good people who built the trails so we could go there

Pat on the Back!

Home after four days away. Took a fun/challenging, 3-day quilting workshop. Catered lunches were supplied, with lavish desserts baked right there in the kitchen adjacent to our classroom, plus fresh-baked cookie snacks in the afternoon and other students sharing their dark-chocolate-coated blueberries. I don't want to write about the desserts! Just let it be known they smelled and looked like the best of the best.

Struggle to maintain my sobriety? Yes, a bit. The class was challenging for me... not my normal approach to art and not my most comfortable medium, lots of new techniques, and most of the students way more advanced both as artists and as makers of art quilts than I am. Did I feel frustrated and inadequate some of the time? Yes, I did, perhaps most of the time. Did I smell the chocolate brownies (oops, I wasn't going to tell...) and want some? Yes, it crossed my mind. Did I watch other women cheerfully devouring snacks and desserts? Yes, I did.

However, ta-dah, did I take a smidgen, a taste, a bite or a serving of any of it? No, I did not! Pat on the back and bravo me! Did I eat a bit too much at meal time? Hmmm. I shall try to be honest here... Yes, a few meals were a bit more than I have at home. Plus, I don't normally eat much at all for breakfast; whereas I did partake of the free hotel breakfast (in a mostly sensible way).

This is a good lesson. The OA approach works for me. Sobriety works for me; it's not as difficult as diets. There was a woman in the class on a diet, who talked rather constantly about what she could and could not eat, what she wanted to eat, what she wished they had provided for us, etc. My experience was different. I didn't think about food, except when they brought out a steaming fresh plate of desserts and announced we could "come and get it." I didn't talk about food at all that I can recall.

Actually, it really wasn't very difficult at all. Back in my days of yo-yo dieting, I had much, MUCH WORSE times trying to limit how many cookies or brownies or candies I ate. I am very grateful to have learned about OA and for all the sources of support keeping me sober!
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Today's I'm grateful for: blooming Narcissus and Hellebore, Northern Flickers feeding on our property, safe travels to and from my class, sleeping in my own bed, longer days, good neighbors, silence

Singin the Snow n Ice Blues

Been quite chilly, temps at or below freezing, around here... for about a hundred years it seems. But I don't mind that so much. We keep a good fire going and wool sweaters layered over a hoodie keep me warm enough. It's the snow and ice that get me down. Slip-sliding on our trails, not walking much because I fear falling, not driving because I fear sliding off the road (as I did two winters ago, totaling my car and any small winter bravado I may have had).

It's the snow n ice blues that make me eat, she says, tongue in cheek. And I seem powerless to resist. Am I surprised? Well, no. When did I ever have power over my eating habits? Haven't touched any of my binge foods, so I'm keepin' my abstinence number (102 days as of today!).

However, the way I've been nibbling this n that, I might should add a few things to my binge foods list, like peanut butter, all nuts for that matter, like potato chips, all chips for that matter, like bread and maybe even cheese. These are things I can have around and eat only in moderation. Except now, when I'm singin' the snow n ice blues and cruising the kitchen on a regular basis.

Ice and snow. It's winter. It happens. Get busy, missy! Clean the house! Bead a piece about the blues! Write morning pages! Just do it! And accept. Accept weakness and powerlessness. Weather happens and you can't do a thing to change it. Think serenity rather than food.

Well, there! I guess I told myself a thing or two!

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Today's gratitude: fabric (again), dry fire wood, heat tape on our pipes, not having to drive anywhere today.

Working the Steps

Yesterday I went to an AA meeting with my brother and sister-in-law. Half my life ago, I quit drinking, a habit compulsion that got me into a lot of trouble during my 20s and 30s; but I never went to an AA meeting, just quit cold turkey one day. Surprisingly it wasn't very difficult to quit. Guess I'd had my fill of the repercussions of excess alcohol, plus I had my real addiction, food, still firmly in place. Good, reliable food, easy to hide, perfectly legal and socially acceptable.

Yet, for others it's clear that alcohol is their primary addiction and for them maintaining sobriety must be a huge challenge. My brother, bless his heart, has been clean and sober for 17 years. And at yesterday's meeting my SIL was awarded her 16-year sobriety pin. Everyone there spoke very highly of her, saying how much they admire and are inspired by her honesty. How great it was to be there, filled with respect for both of them!

Once a person has been sober for a while, feeling whole and sane again, not gripped by the need to drink, their life back on track, it must be easy to slip out of the program. Yesterday's meeting, however, was filled with long-time-sober folks who are working the steps, dealing with character issues that lead them into alcohol addiction, issues that still affect their lives and are always a threat to sobriety. The meeting topic was Step 6, We're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Ten thoughts I had while listening to others talk:

1. Defects of character sounds so horrible, yet I know I have them and can name a number of them.
2. Listing my defects of character happens in step 4, which is where I am at the moment in the OA program .
3. How can God remove them? Why would God remove them?
4. Would I be a genuine, whole person without them?
5. I want to fix it myself. I want to identify and then remove my character defects all by myself, no help needed, thank you. I can do this. I think I can, I think I can.
6. But I couldn't stop overeating by myself. That is a fact, proven over and over.
7. I'd be more accepting of step 6 if it were worded differently, if it said, We're entirely ready to have God help us remove all these defects of character, leaving us somewhat in control of our own destiny.
8. To turn it all over to God? Well, that's a concept I resist.
9. Not there yet, I'm only working step 4. Maybe by the time I get to step 6, the concept will have grown on me.
10. My will be done/Thy will be done.... that is the conflict.

What came to me in the meeting as a certainty is that following a food plan and remaining abstinent from my binge foods is just the tip of the ice berg. Yes, I feel much more sane. Yes, I feel more peaceful and less resentful since I began working the program six months ago. Yes, I've lost weight, am more healthy and more fit. Yes, yes, yes!

Yet, like the alcoholic, my underlying character, my unresolved issues, my lack of faith threaten to undermine progress and send me back to food for solace. I accept the challenge, with a nod to my brother, SIL and other participants in yesterday's meeting, of working the AA/OA steps as best I can, with the realization pointed out by my SIL yesterday that I can work the same steps over and over, each time learning something new, each time finding new levels of peace.

Entitlement Thinking

Here's the concept, plain and simple:

• I am entitled to eat anything I want any time I want because my ballet teacher said I was too large to be a dancer.
• I am entitled to eat anything I want any time I want because my parents didn't bother to come to my dance performance.
• I am entitled to eat anything I want any time I want because my daddy was killed in a car accident and my mama abandonded me to my grandparents so she could go back to school.
• I am entitled to eat anything I want any time I want because I was sick in bed for an entire year and "mistreated" in the hospital.

Those are the big ones. Here are some of the itty-bitty, forgettable ones I've used:

• I am entitled to eat anything I want any time I want because my husband's being mean to me.
• I am entitled to eat anything I want any time I want because I'm really stressed out about work.
• I am entitled to eat anything I want any time I want because the stock market crashed and I lost most of my savings.
• I am entitled to eat anything I want any time I want because we've been snowed in for over a week.
• I am entitled to eat anything I want any time I want because I'm here at this art opening, adrift among people I don't know.

I've practiced entitlement thinking, especially about food, most of my life. It's time to stop. Time to realize that my circumstances are normal events that happen in everyone's life... nothing special or unique about them.... just part of the normal ups and downs of life. Humility may be the antidote to entitlement thinking.

My prayer to Universe & Life Force:

Teach me humility
that I may stand with others
and not above them.

Show me humility
that I may confess my errors
and retrace my steps.

Grant me humility
that I may forgive my mistakes
and learn from them.

I'll close this post with a quote about humility by Ralph W. Stockman.

"True humility is intelligent self respect which keeps us from thinking too highly or too meanly of ourselves. It makes us modest by reminding us how far we have come short of what we can be."

Day #1 Again???

Famous last words...

Have guest = eat more, richer foods. Travel = eat more, get hungrier. Stress = eat more. That's the surface challenge about the week ahead. I know how to deal with that type of challenge... I have my plan and my talisman!

... written in my previous post.

It almost makes me smile to realize I thought the challenge of having J here would be dealing with my old addiction and long-past behaviors. I thought maintaining sobriety about food would be a piece of cake.

Actually, the reverse was true. As you can see on the side bar, I set my Abstinence date back to zero yesterday as I began again to follow my food plan... to abstain from eating certain foods, to eat only three meals per day, to avoid trigger foods and to not eat between meals.

Actually I didn't do too badly during this past week.

1. I did not eat any of my currently listed abstinence foods, not one bite
2. I did not binge
3. I remained fairly faithful to my three-meal-a-day plan
4. I ate a single-scoop ice cream cone between meals... one time
5. I ate a cup or so of trail mix (fruit and nuts) between meals... one time
6. I ate more than a single plate of food at a meal... two times
7. I ate beyond the point of feeling satisfied... three times
8. I ate bread and butter (trigger foods) more times than I consider safe

The boundaries of abstinence are more difficult, I think, with food than with alcohol. If you are an AA member and you have one drink of alcohol, you broke your abstinence. But what about a small sip, a taste, say of a special brew of beer made by a friend? Would that be considered a brake in abstinence? What about a piece of beer-batter fish? Where does one draw the line? It's a little tricky with alcohol and even more difficult with food.

Originally, I did not put ice cream on my abstinence list. It's not even on my trigger food list. However, it should be on one of the lists because it has occasionally been a binge food (when I was eating chocolate) and eating it does make me crave chocolate and other abstinence foods. The good news here is that having ice cream did not cause a downward spiral... this time. In the next days after eating it, I sat with J and my husband while they ate delicious bakery treats one day and apple pie with ice cream the next day. It was not unbearable to abstain.

So yesterday, with J gone home to Europe and me comfortable again in my normal routines, I thought about whether to set the counter back to zero or not. It would have been day 77 of abstinence. I'm proud of that and thankful for all the help I've received along the way. Will I start over... day zero? Or will I say my eating this past week was borderline but acceptable?

I discussed the question with somebody who has had 16 years of sobriety in AA. She suggested we must each decide for ourselves where the line is and when we have crossed it. She also thinks my plan may be a bit too strict. She said many in AA have to start over.

In my mind, eating an ice cream cone crossed the line, even though I had not listed ice cream as either a binge or trigger food. That it wasn't listed is merely a technicality. It is a binge food for me and I know it; I knew when I decided to have it that it didn't fit my plan. I forgive myself for crossing the line. I do not have to be perfect. Yet, I decided to start again.

Yesterday was day 1; today will be day 2. And, with the help of my (as yet not fully understood) higher power, my fellow OA members and everyone who wishes me well on this journey, I will celebrate day 77 on September 18... not so far down the road.

What's In My Pocket????

Walking around, waiting to depart town for my workshop last Wednesday (see previous post), I happened to meet a member of my local OA group. We stopped to chat and I remarked that I was worried about my OA abstinence and food program in the days ahead.

What serendipity! He gave me a remarkable suggestion, saying that in situations like that he likes to carry a talisman in his pocket... something he can touch and hold to remind and help him with sobriety. Ah-ha! Instantly I knew that would work for me too.

With yet another half hour before my ferry departed, I went to a little souvenir shop by the ferry dock to see what talisman-angel I could find. My hands touched rocks, shells, a little glass ladybug and a ceramic frog. None of these things seemed to have any positive energy for me. Finally, I spied a basket of carved stones (probably from China) on the bottom shelf in the back of the store. My hand immediately went to a reddish stone with a primitive carving of a shore bird. My bird. My workshop helper-talisman!


It totally worked! I made commitments to my husband, readers, another person in the workshop and myself that I would stick with my program. But the talisman in my pocket is the most important reason I was able to do it. When the going got rough, I put my hand in my pocket and fondled my little bird rock. It comforted me and enabled me to resist the many temptations... the chocolate cookies passed around, the bowl of red licorice, the spread of deserts at lunch time and the urge to snack at night in my room. Yay!

Two Challenges Ahead

The first challenge will begin on Wednesday when I depart for a 3-day felt-dying-book-binding workshop. I'll be sharing a room in B&B-type of place with another student. I've corresponded with her via email a bit, but have never met her. The organizer has planned snacks and fancy lunches. I'm guessing there will be looooong days/evenings and not much sleep. There will be many food temptations and I'll be out of my comfort zone in lots of ways.

So I need a plan. Well, I have a food plan. Three meals a day. No snacks. No binge foods. Only one plate or bowl per meal. I can do this at home. I can even factor in eating out once in a while. Can I maintain my plan at the workshop? Will I maintain my plan at the workshop?

With 57 days invested in abstinence so far, I certainly don't want to re-set the counter... nor do I want to slide again into the binge foods abyss. Ten things that might help me stay on course:

1. take sugar-free gum... several flavors
2. take a good supply of bottled water and a few cans of diet soda
3. don't worry (or even think) about the second challenge until this one is behind me
4. pray (something I rarely do; hardly know how to do)
5. walk rather than eat; when temptation strikes, take a quick walk around the building or down the street and back
6. tell the student(s) next to me what I am doing; make a verbal commitment to them about my food plan each day
7. make a commitment about sticking to my food plan here on my blog and report at the end of the workshop (probably no access to Internet while there)
8. remember that I'm there to PLAY and learn; my work does not have to be good or perfect or pretty or remarkable in any way
9. make a verbal commitment about sticking to my food plan to my husband and call him every night to report
10. ask if any readers have other suggestions... maybe things that have worked for them

Hey! That's a decent list... think I'll print it out, keep it visible for the next two days and take it with me.

To my readers... Yes, I do commit to sticking to my food plan and will report when I return. And yes, I do welcome any suggestions you have.

No, thanks to the above list, I'm not going to write about the second challenge happening one week later... Time for that when I return from the workshop. Posting will probably be sparse, but I'll be baaaack!