I've been writing about clutter, about how there's fear of forgetting under my procrastination about clutter, about how at the very bottom of each pile there's fear of tossing away bits of myself, as if both the bits and the remainder are insignificant. Thus fear of being insignificant, of not counting for anything, of being small, unimportant and weak is really what's at the bottom of everything else, at the bottom of every pile and stack of clutter.
Yesterday and today I've been contemplating that fear and asking myself what to do about it.
I could take a rational look at these feelings, which probably wouldn't seem very rational under close scrutiny. Yet I don't want to deny or criticize my feelings. They are what they are. However, they get in the way of clearing clutter, which I've already determined is very important to do. So now what?
In OA, the answer is: turn it all over to my higher power. In other words, let go of fear and give up trying to control.
I want to control my mind, to make it remember EVERYTHING, every detail, every person, every thing that happens, every thing I've ever learned. Well, we know that's not possible, not even a little. I need to consciously let go of the notion that if only I do x, y and z I'll be able to remember everything, surrender the notion that surrounding myself with piles of stuff will keep the memories alive for me.
I need to experience and acknowledge the losses, loss of memory, loss of tangible reminders, even loss of self, and then let go of the fear, let God take care of my fears and any other stuff that's under the piles.
Being mindful of letting go and daily progress at eliminating the clutter are my goals. I made some progress yesterday and will give it another hour or so this evening. Yay.
* * * * * * * *
Today's gratitude: spring weather, going to the dump with my husband, no clutter around my computer, selling my old (and possibly collectible) bicycle to somebody who will enjoy fixing it up.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
Fear of Forgetting
Yesterday I wrote about clutter, about de-cluttering my physical space and mental space. I agreed to clear four piles from my computer workspace last evening. Here's what happened.
First, and not unexpectedly, I found that I could get a dozen or so things checked off my to-do list, even things that have been on it for a long time, in order to avoid the piles of clutter. Big avoidance. In the past I would have baked cookies or apple crisp or a delicious pie first and felt entitled to eat myself silly prior to starting the de-clutter job. How could de-cluttering be so odious and why???? With pie and cookies off the option list and all the doable to-do things done, by midnight last night there was nothing for it but to begin with the first pile.
Resistance. What is behind the resistance? As I was working with that first pile, I noticed myself getting somewhat anxious (fearful) about tossing things. Here's a partial list of some of the things I was reluctant to toss:
-- business cards, especially artists from whom I've bought things
-- the original copy of a poem I wrote
-- several greeting cards from acquaintances or customers
-- magazine articles
-- invoices from long ago purchases
-- a picture given to me by my husband
-- several poems (not by me)
-- several small gifts from blogging friends
-- maps and brochures from places I've been
Well, there were other things, but this list is somewhat representative. Gifts and cards were the most difficult. Truth be told, I still have almost all of them. Why? Yes they mean something to me as symbols of the fondness people have for me. But why do I need the symbols? I know these people care.
I think I know what it is. I think it's fear of forgetting... forgetting the person, none of whom (except my husband) are in my immediate circle of friends, some of whom I've never met... forgetting who sold me something I might want to buy again... forgetting where I filed the typed version of a poem I wrote... forgetting the information I learned from an article in a magazine... forgetting poems I read a few times and liked.
My mother has dementia, rather seriously, which began when she was about my age. She covered it well for many years, but as she reached her 80s, it became more and more obvious as she'd grope for words, make up stories and flat out admit that she could not recall. I've noticed a slow progression in that direction in myself as well, starting when I was about 50, when I became increasingly unable to recall dates, times, numbers.
I don't want to forget about the people in my life. And there have been a lavish of them as I've traveled all over the country to teach and developed many precious and lasting but distant friendships with students and other artists. Then there are blog friends, hundreds of beaders, quilters and other types of artists with whom I've shared so much. I don't want to forget any of them. I don't WANT to forget anything. Yet it happens every day.
Perhaps my reluctance to deal with the piles has something to do with fear of forgetting some of these people and things. If I clear the clutter by filing these reminders in boxes in the attic, they'll be as good as forgotten, for I know I'll never look in the boxes again. I know this because there are already boxes like that in the attic. They came when I moved here 13 years ago and have never been opened. Therefore, my choice seems to be: either throw away these things or leave them in piles of clutter in my living space.
Either way, my fear is reality based. Alas, I will forget some of them whether or not I keep the physical reminders.
After two hours, the four stacks of stuff around my computer was reduced to one small pile. Many things were tossed or put in recycle. A few things got moved to existing piles in other rooms for attention later. It feels great to sit here typing at my computer with empty counter space and the chair nearby which is no longer a "shelf" holding a 2 ft. pile of papers.
I didn't do any more de-cluttering today in the physical world. But this post will help me in the future, let's say tomorrow as I attack the clutter on and under the kitchen table.
* * * * * *
Today's gratitude: wool sweaters, chickens, good neighbors, doing home improvement projects with my husband
First, and not unexpectedly, I found that I could get a dozen or so things checked off my to-do list, even things that have been on it for a long time, in order to avoid the piles of clutter. Big avoidance. In the past I would have baked cookies or apple crisp or a delicious pie first and felt entitled to eat myself silly prior to starting the de-clutter job. How could de-cluttering be so odious and why???? With pie and cookies off the option list and all the doable to-do things done, by midnight last night there was nothing for it but to begin with the first pile.
Resistance. What is behind the resistance? As I was working with that first pile, I noticed myself getting somewhat anxious (fearful) about tossing things. Here's a partial list of some of the things I was reluctant to toss:
-- business cards, especially artists from whom I've bought things
-- the original copy of a poem I wrote
-- several greeting cards from acquaintances or customers
-- magazine articles
-- invoices from long ago purchases
-- a picture given to me by my husband
-- several poems (not by me)
-- several small gifts from blogging friends
-- maps and brochures from places I've been
Well, there were other things, but this list is somewhat representative. Gifts and cards were the most difficult. Truth be told, I still have almost all of them. Why? Yes they mean something to me as symbols of the fondness people have for me. But why do I need the symbols? I know these people care.
I think I know what it is. I think it's fear of forgetting... forgetting the person, none of whom (except my husband) are in my immediate circle of friends, some of whom I've never met... forgetting who sold me something I might want to buy again... forgetting where I filed the typed version of a poem I wrote... forgetting the information I learned from an article in a magazine... forgetting poems I read a few times and liked.
My mother has dementia, rather seriously, which began when she was about my age. She covered it well for many years, but as she reached her 80s, it became more and more obvious as she'd grope for words, make up stories and flat out admit that she could not recall. I've noticed a slow progression in that direction in myself as well, starting when I was about 50, when I became increasingly unable to recall dates, times, numbers.
I don't want to forget about the people in my life. And there have been a lavish of them as I've traveled all over the country to teach and developed many precious and lasting but distant friendships with students and other artists. Then there are blog friends, hundreds of beaders, quilters and other types of artists with whom I've shared so much. I don't want to forget any of them. I don't WANT to forget anything. Yet it happens every day.
Perhaps my reluctance to deal with the piles has something to do with fear of forgetting some of these people and things. If I clear the clutter by filing these reminders in boxes in the attic, they'll be as good as forgotten, for I know I'll never look in the boxes again. I know this because there are already boxes like that in the attic. They came when I moved here 13 years ago and have never been opened. Therefore, my choice seems to be: either throw away these things or leave them in piles of clutter in my living space.
Either way, my fear is reality based. Alas, I will forget some of them whether or not I keep the physical reminders.
After two hours, the four stacks of stuff around my computer was reduced to one small pile. Many things were tossed or put in recycle. A few things got moved to existing piles in other rooms for attention later. It feels great to sit here typing at my computer with empty counter space and the chair nearby which is no longer a "shelf" holding a 2 ft. pile of papers.
I didn't do any more de-cluttering today in the physical world. But this post will help me in the future, let's say tomorrow as I attack the clutter on and under the kitchen table.
* * * * * *
Today's gratitude: wool sweaters, chickens, good neighbors, doing home improvement projects with my husband
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Clutter
It strikes me that there could be a strong correlation between cutter in my house and clutter in my home, house being the physical place where I live and home being the emotional place where I live, my soul or my psyche. Maybe one feeds the other. Maybe the clutter, the piles and stacks of stuff around my computer, for example, are more than a metaphor for the piles and stacks of resentments, blames and losses in my mind. Maybe the physical clutter actually contributes, makes higher (or deeper), the mental clutter. Maybe the reverse is true as well.
Foryears decades I've been saying I want to de-clutter (get rid of the physical stuff in my house). Once in a while I take on a surface or a shelf, clearing it. Feels good when I do, although it's hard to get started and often I simply re-locate the stuff where I don't see it. But most of the time, I continue to dig through the clutter when I need something, fuss about how it looks, gripe about the time it takes to try to find anything, and berate myself for procrastinating.
Today I want to get to the bottom of procrastination and fix it. Our marriage counselor talks about ego, the part of my personality that resists change, that wants to keep everything just like it is, both physically and emotionally. She tells us we must reach deep into a different place in order to change, a place that begins in compassion, respect, gentleness and love. The ego will resist all change, requiring a conscious effort to put it aside. I'm wondering if her wisdom about changing our attitudes and behaviors toward one another might be useful with clutter procrastination.
If clutter procrastination with the physical stuff in my house IS inter-related with procrastination of clearing emotional clutter, then maybe I could improve my odds of enjoying my marriage by getting rid of physical clutter, one day at a time, one pile at a time. Duh... sounds like a no-brainer to me.
To that end, the Costco magazine again proves useful with an article in the current issue about De-Cluttering (pg 43). I especially like the list of 5 questions to ask when deciding whether to keep or not to keep any specific item:
-- When was the item last used?
-- When might I use it again?
-- Does the object enhance or hinder my life?
-- Has it affected the quality of the life I'm living or want to live?
-- Is it replaceable?
That makes sense. Once the decision about keeping is made, it's important to physically move the item, to put it away if keeping it, or to put it into a specific container destined for the thrift store, dump, recycle, donate, give or sell.
I know from experience that I have to be very wary of the sell option. I procrastinate on that too. I have many boxes of things that people might buy, that I could try to sell on eBay, that are somewhat collectible. Do I do anything about selling them? No. Is it because of the ego wanting to hold on or is it just because I'm not fond of selling? Who knows, maybe both. I need to let go of these things. They are millstones around my neck.
Am I willing to make a commitment right here and now? Oooooh, I feel the resistance... the little voice is saying, "You need to work on your art and catch up on blogging and take your walk... that's enough for one day... you can start de-cluttering later, some other day." I say no to the voice and yes to de-cluttering, one day at a time... starting today.
Today I will de-clutter four piles of stuff in the immediate vicinity of my computer... put away, throw away and recycle all of it. I will ask the five questions and make decisions based on my answers.
Tomorrow I will file a report here and also write more about this subject, about how my 68-year-old memory is cluttered and about how I hold onto stuff, memorabilia, because I'm afraid I'll forget.
* * * * * *
Today's gratitude list: cottage cheese 'n' home-made applesauce, sunshine, signs of spring, people who take the time to read and write blogs.
For
Today I want to get to the bottom of procrastination and fix it. Our marriage counselor talks about ego, the part of my personality that resists change, that wants to keep everything just like it is, both physically and emotionally. She tells us we must reach deep into a different place in order to change, a place that begins in compassion, respect, gentleness and love. The ego will resist all change, requiring a conscious effort to put it aside. I'm wondering if her wisdom about changing our attitudes and behaviors toward one another might be useful with clutter procrastination.
If clutter procrastination with the physical stuff in my house IS inter-related with procrastination of clearing emotional clutter, then maybe I could improve my odds of enjoying my marriage by getting rid of physical clutter, one day at a time, one pile at a time. Duh... sounds like a no-brainer to me.
To that end, the Costco magazine again proves useful with an article in the current issue about De-Cluttering (pg 43). I especially like the list of 5 questions to ask when deciding whether to keep or not to keep any specific item:
-- When was the item last used?
-- When might I use it again?
-- Does the object enhance or hinder my life?
-- Has it affected the quality of the life I'm living or want to live?
-- Is it replaceable?
That makes sense. Once the decision about keeping is made, it's important to physically move the item, to put it away if keeping it, or to put it into a specific container destined for the thrift store, dump, recycle, donate, give or sell.
I know from experience that I have to be very wary of the sell option. I procrastinate on that too. I have many boxes of things that people might buy, that I could try to sell on eBay, that are somewhat collectible. Do I do anything about selling them? No. Is it because of the ego wanting to hold on or is it just because I'm not fond of selling? Who knows, maybe both. I need to let go of these things. They are millstones around my neck.
Am I willing to make a commitment right here and now? Oooooh, I feel the resistance... the little voice is saying, "You need to work on your art and catch up on blogging and take your walk... that's enough for one day... you can start de-cluttering later, some other day." I say no to the voice and yes to de-cluttering, one day at a time... starting today.
Today I will de-clutter four piles of stuff in the immediate vicinity of my computer... put away, throw away and recycle all of it. I will ask the five questions and make decisions based on my answers.
Tomorrow I will file a report here and also write more about this subject, about how my 68-year-old memory is cluttered and about how I hold onto stuff, memorabilia, because I'm afraid I'll forget.
* * * * * *
Today's gratitude list: cottage cheese 'n' home-made applesauce, sunshine, signs of spring, people who take the time to read and write blogs.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Mom & Me
A while ago, Karen of Waisting Time mentioned her son, speculating about what he might notice and/or think about her weight struggles. That got me thinking about my mom.
I recall nothing about Mom and food until I was about 9 or 10. The family was sitting on the floor of our living room playing a game of Monopoly. Mom was kneeling and I noticed that her knees were really large, like big ships on the ocean. Looking at my knees and comparing them to hers I felt some sort of amazement that hers could be so large. I don't remember being critical or embarrassed about her knees, just in awe of them.
Our body types are just alike. We carry weight all over our bodies and tend to have heavy legs even when we are not overweight by medical standards. We tend to retain a waist even at our heaviest. Medical people always raise an eyebrow when they see our weight on the charts... "You don't look that heavy... Must have heavy bones..." Ah yes, heavy bones.
Looking back to my early school years, I never thought of Mom as overweight. However, she probably weighed about what I do now, possibly 20 pounds more. She didn't talk about food or her weight that I remember, not until much later. But she did hide the chocolate chips and the cookies. I always thought she was hiding them from me. But maybe she was trying to put them out of her own temptation sight-lines as well.
Later, when I was in high school, Mom took the two of us to a "diet doctor," who put us both on a pill to ramp up our metabolism. Yikes! I recall the jitters and anxiety experienced while on the pill diet. Mom and I both lost weight. We both gained it back the next year and never talked of it again. Until now, I always thought she went with me out of solidarity, that SHE didn't need a diet, that she went on it with me to help me.
Mom didn't like to chide her kids, at least not very directly. Sometimes that was a good thing. All five of us grew up pretty free to develop our own pathway. She is/was also a very private person. She didn't discuss her problems and she didn't seem keen on discussing mine. She never talked about her weight with me, although once in a while, when I was into queen sizes, she'd find some tactful way to mention a new diet she'd read about. I think we both tried the grapefruit and eggs diet at the same time (during my college years), although we didn't share our experiences with it.
The pill diet was the only time we openly discussed diet or overeating until about 25 years ago when empty-nested, she got into an exercise program and began, in her words, to eat more healthy foods. Her idea at the time was to help Dad slim down a bit. They quit eating snacks, relegated the peanut butter to the back of the top shelf, concentrated on fresh vegetables and smaller portions.
Over about a year's time, Mom went from (I'm guessing here) large or extra-large sized to small or medium sized clothing. She never gained it back. Dad did. After they moved into assisted living, he regained his extra chins and a bit of a pot belly. But Mom stays slim.
When I visit her (she's in Minnesota and age 94 now), I often sit with her while she eats. I watch what she eats. She tries to eat all the fruit and vegetables, picks at the meat, skips most of the bread/potatoes, and only eats dessert if it's really a good one. This is pretty much unconscious on her part (I think).
The change in her eating habits, starting when she was about 70, is now so ingrained that even tempted by sweets for breakfast and desserts for every lunch and every dinner at the nursing home, she maintains her slimness.
Next time I visit her, I'll see if she's willing to talk about her life-time issues with weight. Did she struggle? Did she have self-image problems because of it? Did she binge? Did she look at me and worry about the 240 pounds I carried around most of the time? Was she even aware of it? Certainly I was rarely and barely aware of it with her.
I don't want to weigh 240 again in my life. But it's not so much because I feel ugly or even that it's unhealthy for my heart, feet, back, knees, etc. to carry around so much weight. The main reason is binging. To get to that weight always involves a steady increase in binging with a resulting aura of self-loathing and sense of being crazy. Thanks to abstinence and OA, this is a thing I'm not facing right now.
* * * * * *
Today's gratitude: Mom, Dad, family times together reading out loud and playing board games, everyone in my OA group and recovery bloggers who share so much, rain, our marriage counselor
I recall nothing about Mom and food until I was about 9 or 10. The family was sitting on the floor of our living room playing a game of Monopoly. Mom was kneeling and I noticed that her knees were really large, like big ships on the ocean. Looking at my knees and comparing them to hers I felt some sort of amazement that hers could be so large. I don't remember being critical or embarrassed about her knees, just in awe of them.
Our body types are just alike. We carry weight all over our bodies and tend to have heavy legs even when we are not overweight by medical standards. We tend to retain a waist even at our heaviest. Medical people always raise an eyebrow when they see our weight on the charts... "You don't look that heavy... Must have heavy bones..." Ah yes, heavy bones.
Looking back to my early school years, I never thought of Mom as overweight. However, she probably weighed about what I do now, possibly 20 pounds more. She didn't talk about food or her weight that I remember, not until much later. But she did hide the chocolate chips and the cookies. I always thought she was hiding them from me. But maybe she was trying to put them out of her own temptation sight-lines as well.
Later, when I was in high school, Mom took the two of us to a "diet doctor," who put us both on a pill to ramp up our metabolism. Yikes! I recall the jitters and anxiety experienced while on the pill diet. Mom and I both lost weight. We both gained it back the next year and never talked of it again. Until now, I always thought she went with me out of solidarity, that SHE didn't need a diet, that she went on it with me to help me.
Mom didn't like to chide her kids, at least not very directly. Sometimes that was a good thing. All five of us grew up pretty free to develop our own pathway. She is/was also a very private person. She didn't discuss her problems and she didn't seem keen on discussing mine. She never talked about her weight with me, although once in a while, when I was into queen sizes, she'd find some tactful way to mention a new diet she'd read about. I think we both tried the grapefruit and eggs diet at the same time (during my college years), although we didn't share our experiences with it.
The pill diet was the only time we openly discussed diet or overeating until about 25 years ago when empty-nested, she got into an exercise program and began, in her words, to eat more healthy foods. Her idea at the time was to help Dad slim down a bit. They quit eating snacks, relegated the peanut butter to the back of the top shelf, concentrated on fresh vegetables and smaller portions.
Over about a year's time, Mom went from (I'm guessing here) large or extra-large sized to small or medium sized clothing. She never gained it back. Dad did. After they moved into assisted living, he regained his extra chins and a bit of a pot belly. But Mom stays slim.
When I visit her (she's in Minnesota and age 94 now), I often sit with her while she eats. I watch what she eats. She tries to eat all the fruit and vegetables, picks at the meat, skips most of the bread/potatoes, and only eats dessert if it's really a good one. This is pretty much unconscious on her part (I think).
The change in her eating habits, starting when she was about 70, is now so ingrained that even tempted by sweets for breakfast and desserts for every lunch and every dinner at the nursing home, she maintains her slimness.
Next time I visit her, I'll see if she's willing to talk about her life-time issues with weight. Did she struggle? Did she have self-image problems because of it? Did she binge? Did she look at me and worry about the 240 pounds I carried around most of the time? Was she even aware of it? Certainly I was rarely and barely aware of it with her.
I don't want to weigh 240 again in my life. But it's not so much because I feel ugly or even that it's unhealthy for my heart, feet, back, knees, etc. to carry around so much weight. The main reason is binging. To get to that weight always involves a steady increase in binging with a resulting aura of self-loathing and sense of being crazy. Thanks to abstinence and OA, this is a thing I'm not facing right now.
* * * * * *
Today's gratitude: Mom, Dad, family times together reading out loud and playing board games, everyone in my OA group and recovery bloggers who share so much, rain, our marriage counselor
Monday, January 31, 2011
Pat on the Back!
Home after four days away. Took a fun/challenging, 3-day quilting workshop. Catered lunches were supplied, with lavish desserts baked right there in the kitchen adjacent to our classroom, plus fresh-baked cookie snacks in the afternoon and other students sharing their dark-chocolate-coated blueberries. I don't want to write about the desserts! Just let it be known they smelled and looked like the best of the best.
Struggle to maintain my sobriety? Yes, a bit. The class was challenging for me... not my normal approach to art and not my most comfortable medium, lots of new techniques, and most of the students way more advanced both as artists and as makers of art quilts than I am. Did I feel frustrated and inadequate some of the time? Yes, I did, perhaps most of the time. Did I smell the chocolate brownies (oops, I wasn't going to tell...) and want some? Yes, it crossed my mind. Did I watch other women cheerfully devouring snacks and desserts? Yes, I did.
However, ta-dah, did I take a smidgen, a taste, a bite or a serving of any of it? No, I did not! Pat on the back and bravo me! Did I eat a bit too much at meal time? Hmmm. I shall try to be honest here... Yes, a few meals were a bit more than I have at home. Plus, I don't normally eat much at all for breakfast; whereas I did partake of the free hotel breakfast (in a mostly sensible way).
This is a good lesson. The OA approach works for me. Sobriety works for me; it's not as difficult as diets. There was a woman in the class on a diet, who talked rather constantly about what she could and could not eat, what she wanted to eat, what she wished they had provided for us, etc. My experience was different. I didn't think about food, except when they brought out a steaming fresh plate of desserts and announced we could "come and get it." I didn't talk about food at all that I can recall.
Actually, it really wasn't very difficult at all. Back in my days of yo-yo dieting, I had much, MUCH WORSE times trying to limit how many cookies or brownies or candies I ate. I am very grateful to have learned about OA and for all the sources of support keeping me sober!
* * * * *
Today's I'm grateful for: blooming Narcissus and Hellebore, Northern Flickers feeding on our property, safe travels to and from my class, sleeping in my own bed, longer days, good neighbors, silence
Struggle to maintain my sobriety? Yes, a bit. The class was challenging for me... not my normal approach to art and not my most comfortable medium, lots of new techniques, and most of the students way more advanced both as artists and as makers of art quilts than I am. Did I feel frustrated and inadequate some of the time? Yes, I did, perhaps most of the time. Did I smell the chocolate brownies (oops, I wasn't going to tell...) and want some? Yes, it crossed my mind. Did I watch other women cheerfully devouring snacks and desserts? Yes, I did.
However, ta-dah, did I take a smidgen, a taste, a bite or a serving of any of it? No, I did not! Pat on the back and bravo me! Did I eat a bit too much at meal time? Hmmm. I shall try to be honest here... Yes, a few meals were a bit more than I have at home. Plus, I don't normally eat much at all for breakfast; whereas I did partake of the free hotel breakfast (in a mostly sensible way).
This is a good lesson. The OA approach works for me. Sobriety works for me; it's not as difficult as diets. There was a woman in the class on a diet, who talked rather constantly about what she could and could not eat, what she wanted to eat, what she wished they had provided for us, etc. My experience was different. I didn't think about food, except when they brought out a steaming fresh plate of desserts and announced we could "come and get it." I didn't talk about food at all that I can recall.
Actually, it really wasn't very difficult at all. Back in my days of yo-yo dieting, I had much, MUCH WORSE times trying to limit how many cookies or brownies or candies I ate. I am very grateful to have learned about OA and for all the sources of support keeping me sober!
* * * * *
Today's I'm grateful for: blooming Narcissus and Hellebore, Northern Flickers feeding on our property, safe travels to and from my class, sleeping in my own bed, longer days, good neighbors, silence
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Note to Myself and My Husband
Let's buy a dozen roses
half pink and half yellow
to celebrate our differences
another time
we can celebrate
our sameness
our many common interests
beliefs and values
but for today
let's honor
our differences
you are intrigued
by gardening
by guns and history
battles and ships
biography
and the past
I am delighted
by beads and fabrics
making art
feeling my feelings
and the present
I am cautious
balking at decisions
you are bold
quickly making your choice
You feel free
to spend money
I get nervous
without a sizable chunk
in savings
You want frequent
verbal contact
I want time
by myself
Can we celebrate
these differences today
Can we value and honor
that our differences
bring sparkle
to our together life
half pink and half yellow
to celebrate our differences
another time
we can celebrate
our sameness
our many common interests
beliefs and values
but for today
let's honor
our differences
you are intrigued
by gardening
by guns and history
battles and ships
biography
and the past
I am delighted
by beads and fabrics
making art
feeling my feelings
and the present
I am cautious
balking at decisions
you are bold
quickly making your choice
You feel free
to spend money
I get nervous
without a sizable chunk
in savings
You want frequent
verbal contact
I want time
by myself
Can we celebrate
these differences today
Can we value and honor
that our differences
bring sparkle
to our together life
Sunday, January 23, 2011
I Don't Want to Write About...
fingers hesitating
mind balking at the idea
of writing about
my husband and me
our history
and current conflict
over the telephone
never mind
I'll give it a try
a few times a year
for work or family events
I travel alone
without my husband
sometimes gone a few days
sometimes a week or more
my husband likes it
when I check in daily
by telephone
he likes to give me
island news
even national news
cat doings
his doings
he doesn't like me to call
in the morning
or when I'm not alone
or when he's busy
often it seems he gives
only cursory interest
to what I'm doing
I've learned to
tell him just the headlines
often we get into arguments
some of our worst
are when we're on the phone
most times I call
at the end of my day
I'm tired
and it doesn't go well
we argue
I brood and can't sleep
which makes it worse
the next evening
I begin to dread
the telephone
tonight I told him
I prefer not to call
later this week
when I'll be gone
for three days
he says it means
I don't care enough
about him or our home
to want to check in
he says
I short-change him
on the "we factor"
in our marriage
I feel so foolish
our behaviours so petty
goals one day
squabbles the next
I have this notion
that by now
in our 60's
and married for 10 years
we should have
our relationship ducks
all lined up
in a beautiful straight line
sadly
we don't
I'm feeling my feelings
in these words
grey
darkness
hopeless
sad
my dad used to say
damned if you do
damned if you don't
that's how it seems to be
phone or no phone
how will we find a solution
maybe our counselor can help
mind balking at the idea
of writing about
my husband and me
our history
and current conflict
over the telephone
never mind
I'll give it a try
a few times a year
for work or family events
I travel alone
without my husband
sometimes gone a few days
sometimes a week or more
my husband likes it
when I check in daily
by telephone
he likes to give me
island news
even national news
cat doings
his doings
he doesn't like me to call
in the morning
or when I'm not alone
or when he's busy
often it seems he gives
only cursory interest
to what I'm doing
I've learned to
tell him just the headlines
often we get into arguments
some of our worst
are when we're on the phone
most times I call
at the end of my day
I'm tired
and it doesn't go well
we argue
I brood and can't sleep
which makes it worse
the next evening
I begin to dread
the telephone
tonight I told him
I prefer not to call
later this week
when I'll be gone
for three days
he says it means
I don't care enough
about him or our home
to want to check in
he says
I short-change him
on the "we factor"
in our marriage
I feel so foolish
our behaviours so petty
goals one day
squabbles the next
I have this notion
that by now
in our 60's
and married for 10 years
we should have
our relationship ducks
all lined up
in a beautiful straight line
sadly
we don't
I'm feeling my feelings
in these words
grey
darkness
hopeless
sad
my dad used to say
damned if you do
damned if you don't
that's how it seems to be
phone or no phone
how will we find a solution
maybe our counselor can help
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Joining Karen at the Goal Post
Karen, inspired by Michele's comment, just wrote a great post about her goals for a healthy lifestyle. After stumbling around a bit for words, she came up with a tidy start, a list that I find quite inspirational and helpful.
Goals have always been a nemesis for me, saying or writing them even more than having them. Maybe it's fear, some sort of goal-jinx syndrome, I don't know, but somehow, Karen's first goal post gave me the courage to face the same question and actually write my own list.
Here then, is my first draft, my first attempt...
PS. I've not been blogging a lot because I've been obsessively (my husband's word) quilting; if you'd like to see, take a look here.
Goals have always been a nemesis for me, saying or writing them even more than having them. Maybe it's fear, some sort of goal-jinx syndrome, I don't know, but somehow, Karen's first goal post gave me the courage to face the same question and actually write my own list.
Here then, is my first draft, my first attempt...
My Goals for a Healthy LifestyleGratitude for the day: cat on my lap and her deliciously sweet purr, PJ's candid blog, beads and fabric, my old computer and even older, nearly defunct and soon-to-be-replaced HP printer (in constant, even abusively frequent, service since 2001).
I want to accept that I do not now, and never will, have a so-called “normal relationship” with food. My nature is to have an addictive relationship with food, to binge and to overeat. To try to control my nature is to fail and feel crazy.
I want to continue abstinence from my binge foods, one day at a time.
I want to develop the habit of stopping, breathing and feeling my feelings at the very moment I notice myself overeating or grazing.
I want to wear size 10 jeans and size medium shirts.
I want to establish and hold to a routine of walking about two miles on the average of 6 days/week; also to make arm and toning exercises a part of every day chores, like brushing my teeth.
I want to continue to enhance my spiritual awareness, opening myself more to trust, hope and love; letting go of fear, resentment, shame, blame and control.
PS. I've not been blogging a lot because I've been obsessively (my husband's word) quilting; if you'd like to see, take a look here.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
If-then thinking... It works!
Been quilting up a storm... made 105 blocks in past two weeks, which will become two throw-sized quilts in the near future. Plus I'm hand quilting a big reproduction bed quilt. And I'm back to my beading. Ergo... not so much time for blogging.
But tonight I just had to get a concept that's been working for me into words.
End of Dec. I wrote a post about some thoughts/wishes for the year ahead (here). One of them was:
Well, help comes from unexpected places. Open the January issue of the Costco members' magazine (the one you automatically get as a member and probably recycle unread most months) to page 29. It's an article about Heidi Grant Halvorson, author of Succeed: How We Can Reach Our Goals.
Here's the part that grabbed me and changed my response to exercise, hopefully forever!
Now I need an "if" to go with "then I'll do 12 clam shell exercises on each side." Maybe I could try, "if I'm headed to the computer room to check email, then I'll lay on the bed and do clamshells on the way." OK, good idea. I'll give it a try. (Read more about if-then planning here.)
* * * * * * * * *
Today's gratitude: Heidi Grant Halvorson, fabric and beads, tasty dinner in good company of my husband at Jimmy's Paradise Cafe, Lunnette and Christy, the sound of a fully contented purrrrr, gentle rains, Muddy Waters, Johnny Lee Hooker.
But tonight I just had to get a concept that's been working for me into words.
End of Dec. I wrote a post about some thoughts/wishes for the year ahead (here). One of them was:
I distinctly recall thinking, "fat chance... might want, but won't do." Plus in the week of snow and ice that followed, I wasn't even walking. No exercise at all on most days. Not so good.... What can a gal who doesn't like exercise do about this?I might want to be kind to my body
daily arm toning
daily clam shells to strengthen hips
Well, help comes from unexpected places. Open the January issue of the Costco members' magazine (the one you automatically get as a member and probably recycle unread most months) to page 29. It's an article about Heidi Grant Halvorson, author of Succeed: How We Can Reach Our Goals.
Here's the part that grabbed me and changed my response to exercise, hopefully forever!
If-then! Why not, I thought. If I'm making my morning coffee, then I'm also doing my arm toning exercises. If I'm watching TV, then I'm also doing my toe/arch exercises. So far, it's working like a charm... almost effortlessly. I make coffee and I do the arm things. Takes 15 minutes. When I'm finished, I mark an A on my calendar. Missed only one day since I started two weeks ago. Makes me want to buy Heidi's book....Halvorson says...one solution is to use "if-then" planning, and explains how she used it to conquer her own struggles with losing her "baby weight."
Halvorson says she hates to exercise and "will hate it forever." In the past she would promise herself to work out three times a week, but kept putting it off.
Finally, she says, "I came to terms with the fact that my willpower was not going to be up to the task of keeping me from impulsively eating or making good decisions. So I started using if-then plans. If it is Monday, Wednesday or Friday at 9 o'clock, then I'm going to work out. If I'm hungry, then I'm going to have a vegetable. And it was remarkable." (She's lost 50 pounds in a year.)
Now I need an "if" to go with "then I'll do 12 clam shell exercises on each side." Maybe I could try, "if I'm headed to the computer room to check email, then I'll lay on the bed and do clamshells on the way." OK, good idea. I'll give it a try. (Read more about if-then planning here.)
* * * * * * * * *
Today's gratitude: Heidi Grant Halvorson, fabric and beads, tasty dinner in good company of my husband at Jimmy's Paradise Cafe, Lunnette and Christy, the sound of a fully contented purrrrr, gentle rains, Muddy Waters, Johnny Lee Hooker.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Singin the Snow n Ice Blues
Been quite chilly, temps at or below freezing, around here... for about a hundred years it seems. But I don't mind that so much. We keep a good fire going and wool sweaters layered over a hoodie keep me warm enough. It's the snow and ice that get me down. Slip-sliding on our trails, not walking much because I fear falling, not driving because I fear sliding off the road (as I did two winters ago, totaling my car and any small winter bravado I may have had).
It's the snow n ice blues that make me eat, she says, tongue in cheek. And I seem powerless to resist. Am I surprised? Well, no. When did I ever have power over my eating habits? Haven't touched any of my binge foods, so I'm keepin' my abstinence number (102 days as of today!).
However, the way I've been nibbling this n that, I might should add a few things to my binge foods list, like peanut butter, all nuts for that matter, like potato chips, all chips for that matter, like bread and maybe even cheese. These are things I can have around and eat only in moderation. Except now, when I'm singin' the snow n ice blues and cruising the kitchen on a regular basis.
Ice and snow. It's winter. It happens. Get busy, missy! Clean the house! Bead a piece about the blues! Write morning pages! Just do it! And accept. Accept weakness and powerlessness. Weather happens and you can't do a thing to change it. Think serenity rather than food.
Well, there! I guess I told myself a thing or two!
* * * * *
Today's gratitude: fabric (again), dry fire wood, heat tape on our pipes, not having to drive anywhere today.
It's the snow n ice blues that make me eat, she says, tongue in cheek. And I seem powerless to resist. Am I surprised? Well, no. When did I ever have power over my eating habits? Haven't touched any of my binge foods, so I'm keepin' my abstinence number (102 days as of today!).
However, the way I've been nibbling this n that, I might should add a few things to my binge foods list, like peanut butter, all nuts for that matter, like potato chips, all chips for that matter, like bread and maybe even cheese. These are things I can have around and eat only in moderation. Except now, when I'm singin' the snow n ice blues and cruising the kitchen on a regular basis.
Ice and snow. It's winter. It happens. Get busy, missy! Clean the house! Bead a piece about the blues! Write morning pages! Just do it! And accept. Accept weakness and powerlessness. Weather happens and you can't do a thing to change it. Think serenity rather than food.
Well, there! I guess I told myself a thing or two!
* * * * *
Today's gratitude: fabric (again), dry fire wood, heat tape on our pipes, not having to drive anywhere today.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Emergency Rations
My husband and I are very different in how we deal with uncertainty and concerns for our welfare in the future.
I assume: we're both resourceful and resilient; whatever happens, we'll figure out what to do; we have what we need. To me it makes little sense to prepare for unknown and unlikely misfortune.
My husband assumes: we need to be super-prepared for calamity no matter how unlikely (and probably it's more likely than we think).
Based on his thinking, we have: a boss-new, super-quiet, super-efficient generator; a stock-pile of basic foods (12 + large boxes full) and a list of more to be purchased soon; a 20-day supply of military field-rations (MREs); an assortment of fuels; a few guns; and more that I won't mention here. All that is in addition to regular "back-up" stuff.
Based on my thinking, we would have enough food on hand to get us through a bad snow storm and a lantern for when the power goes out.
Our water needs are met because we collect rain water (4 large cisterns full of it, thousands of gallons), our only water source. Our heat needs are met because when trees/branches fall, we chop them up for fire wood, currently with more than a 3-year supply ready to use.
Why am I writing this? I don't know... just thinking out loud about our differences, trying to accept both ways of thinking as valid, part of me being grateful to him for providing this level of security, part of me feeling a bit guilty for not getting more involved with his emergency preparedness efforts.
****
Gratitude for the day: time to talk on the phone with my long-time bestest friend, popcorn and a good movie with my husband and our cat, fabric
I assume: we're both resourceful and resilient; whatever happens, we'll figure out what to do; we have what we need. To me it makes little sense to prepare for unknown and unlikely misfortune.
My husband assumes: we need to be super-prepared for calamity no matter how unlikely (and probably it's more likely than we think).
Based on his thinking, we have: a boss-new, super-quiet, super-efficient generator; a stock-pile of basic foods (12 + large boxes full) and a list of more to be purchased soon; a 20-day supply of military field-rations (MREs); an assortment of fuels; a few guns; and more that I won't mention here. All that is in addition to regular "back-up" stuff.
Based on my thinking, we would have enough food on hand to get us through a bad snow storm and a lantern for when the power goes out.
Our water needs are met because we collect rain water (4 large cisterns full of it, thousands of gallons), our only water source. Our heat needs are met because when trees/branches fall, we chop them up for fire wood, currently with more than a 3-year supply ready to use.
Why am I writing this? I don't know... just thinking out loud about our differences, trying to accept both ways of thinking as valid, part of me being grateful to him for providing this level of security, part of me feeling a bit guilty for not getting more involved with his emergency preparedness efforts.
****
Gratitude for the day: time to talk on the phone with my long-time bestest friend, popcorn and a good movie with my husband and our cat, fabric
Friday, January 7, 2011
A Few More Thoughts about Happiness
I'm still trying to sort through and process my thoughts about happiness, thinking about how it's always seemed important that I be happy, upbeat, optimistic and cheerful. (Interesting that the operative word there is "be" not "feel.")
Where does the pressure to be happy come from? Probably in part from our society. We are so sensitive to depression that we jump on pills, cures, happy lights, vitamin D, anything to not feel down. Why our society is that way, I really don't know. My mom felt the pressure too and was always very critical of herself for any and all of her "negative thoughts and feelings."
Closer to home is the pressure I get from my husband, who doesn't like it when I'm not happy. First he tries to jolly me out of it, joking or offering absurd solutions. Then he might make a few reasonable suggestions, something to fix whatever is making me tired, sad, worried, pissy, etc. If I don't respond, don't follow his suggested cures, don't snap out of it, he starts to develop an irritation which can lead to resentment and sometimes nasty arguments between us.
Earlier this evening, sensing I was a bit down, he asked if I was excited about a quilting class I'm taking on Saturday. He wanted me to respond with an enthusiastic, "Yes!" Bless him, he just wants me to be happy; to fix it when I'm not.
What I want is to have it be OK with me and OK with him when I'm not happy. I want us both to acknowledge and accept that fear, boredom, weariness, sadness, worry and even anger (the one my husband dislikes the most) need not be ignored, cancelled (fixed) or covered over.
A critical part of me, reading what I just wrote, thinks I'm just asking for license to be crazy*, that I SHOULD ALWAYS at least TRY to be happy, to look at the positive side of everything, glass half full, find the silver lining. A more accepting part of me is saying I've been there, done that, at the expense of pretense and a fractured sense of being.
Sometimes, inspired by Mary Oliver's poem, The Wild Geese, I write the following in my journal: I do not have to be perfect, I do not have to be thin, I do not have to be happy, I do not have to be intelligent, I do not have to be good. It always calms me to write these words, takes the pressure off, makes it OK to be human, to have weaknesses.
Where does the pressure to be happy come from? Probably in part from our society. We are so sensitive to depression that we jump on pills, cures, happy lights, vitamin D, anything to not feel down. Why our society is that way, I really don't know. My mom felt the pressure too and was always very critical of herself for any and all of her "negative thoughts and feelings."
Closer to home is the pressure I get from my husband, who doesn't like it when I'm not happy. First he tries to jolly me out of it, joking or offering absurd solutions. Then he might make a few reasonable suggestions, something to fix whatever is making me tired, sad, worried, pissy, etc. If I don't respond, don't follow his suggested cures, don't snap out of it, he starts to develop an irritation which can lead to resentment and sometimes nasty arguments between us.
Earlier this evening, sensing I was a bit down, he asked if I was excited about a quilting class I'm taking on Saturday. He wanted me to respond with an enthusiastic, "Yes!" Bless him, he just wants me to be happy; to fix it when I'm not.
What I want is to have it be OK with me and OK with him when I'm not happy. I want us both to acknowledge and accept that fear, boredom, weariness, sadness, worry and even anger (the one my husband dislikes the most) need not be ignored, cancelled (fixed) or covered over.
A critical part of me, reading what I just wrote, thinks I'm just asking for license to be crazy*, that I SHOULD ALWAYS at least TRY to be happy, to look at the positive side of everything, glass half full, find the silver lining. A more accepting part of me is saying I've been there, done that, at the expense of pretense and a fractured sense of being.
Sometimes, inspired by Mary Oliver's poem, The Wild Geese, I write the following in my journal: I do not have to be perfect, I do not have to be thin, I do not have to be happy, I do not have to be intelligent, I do not have to be good. It always calms me to write these words, takes the pressure off, makes it OK to be human, to have weaknesses.
___.___.___.___
*See? Here I am equating not happy with crazy!
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Happy New Year - Take 2
Oh dear, now I'm on backtrack mode about the happy new year thing from my previous post. It seems my husband and other readers took it that I don't like to say or hear "Happy new year," like the Grinch who stole goodness away from the whole year and slapped hands for even thinking about pleasure and happiness. Erg! My fault; I wasn't very clear.
Actually, I don't mind saying or hearing that friendly, well-wishing greeting at all. In fact, I say it a lot, like when I answer the phone or shopping at the store, buying a coffee, on blogs. And I mean it. For everyone (myself included) I wish for good times ahead, a year where love, peace, joy, good health, and happy times flow amply. Positive thinking is a good thing and greetings like this are likely to contribute to more happiness in the world through psychology's concept of self-fulfilling prophecy or the ripple effect.
So when I wrote: I've been slightly bothered by the phrase "Happy new year," I didn't mean bothered as in irritated or annoyed, rather more in the sense of perplexed. Saying and hearing it so often at this time of year makes me think about happiness in general and the pursuit of it.
This seems to be a good opportunity to look at my own need to be happy and what I do to get there. Ten things I did in pursuit of happiness in the past (and with a few exceptions in the present as well):
what's under my behaviours
avoidance
avoidance of
loneliness, boredom, grief, despair
and what's under my avoidance
maybe a sense of entitlement
a sense that I deserve to be happy
and what's under my sense of entitlement
maybe it's ego, a strength of will
seeking control
shall I look at
avoidance, entitlement and control
from a different perspective
shall I say instead
a whole me
notices what is
and accepts lack of control
what if I let myself feel despair
stop trying to push it away
invite it into my heart
allow it to be a part of me
and despair is just one
shame, anger, loneliness, sadness and fear
are her sisters
I push them all away
maybe in small part
because of some intrinsic belief
that I need always to be happy
maybe if I don't run
from anti-happiness
maybe then
happy will be all the brighter
when it's with me
Actually, I don't mind saying or hearing that friendly, well-wishing greeting at all. In fact, I say it a lot, like when I answer the phone or shopping at the store, buying a coffee, on blogs. And I mean it. For everyone (myself included) I wish for good times ahead, a year where love, peace, joy, good health, and happy times flow amply. Positive thinking is a good thing and greetings like this are likely to contribute to more happiness in the world through psychology's concept of self-fulfilling prophecy or the ripple effect.
So when I wrote: I've been slightly bothered by the phrase "Happy new year," I didn't mean bothered as in irritated or annoyed, rather more in the sense of perplexed. Saying and hearing it so often at this time of year makes me think about happiness in general and the pursuit of it.
This seems to be a good opportunity to look at my own need to be happy and what I do to get there. Ten things I did in pursuit of happiness in the past (and with a few exceptions in the present as well):
- Eat sweets, especially chocolate.
- Shop for shoes or clothes.
- Call a friend.
- Buy art supplies.
- Write morning pages.
- Cook a special, fancy dinner; maybe invite friends.
- Go out for breakfast, lunch or dinner with my husband or a friend.
- Call my parents or sibling.
- Bake cookies, cake, sweet bread, etc.
- Play card games on my computer.
what's under my behaviours
avoidance
avoidance of
loneliness, boredom, grief, despair
and what's under my avoidance
maybe a sense of entitlement
a sense that I deserve to be happy
and what's under my sense of entitlement
maybe it's ego, a strength of will
seeking control
shall I look at
avoidance, entitlement and control
from a different perspective
shall I say instead
a whole me
notices what is
and accepts lack of control
what if I let myself feel despair
stop trying to push it away
invite it into my heart
allow it to be a part of me
and despair is just one
shame, anger, loneliness, sadness and fear
are her sisters
I push them all away
maybe in small part
because of some intrinsic belief
that I need always to be happy
maybe if I don't run
from anti-happiness
maybe then
happy will be all the brighter
when it's with me
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Hello 2011
For as long as I can remember, I've been slightly bothered by the phrase "Happy new year." "Happy birthday" I can handle just fine, as birthdays seem well suited to a day of celebration and being happy. But a whole year?
As American citizens we are granted a constitutional right to the pursuit of happiness. And so we feel entitled, maybe even pushed into ever ongoing attempts to find, seek, make, discover and live in a state of rapture. Here's what I think happens. Sometimes seeking pleasure and happiness gets in the way of experiencing it... the seeking itself takes over and becomes the goal. (Duh ~ I am more mindful of that trap now, more open to seeing simply what IS with delight.)
Another possible downside to continual pursuit of happiness may be a decreased ability to function emotionally, physically and spiritually during the inevitable hard times. If we stop chasing and stop fighting, relaxing into what is, noticing a wide range of feelings, perhaps then we will actually experience our lives as having wholeness.
I'm sure there are many philosophers who have given great thought and good words to the concept of happiness while I simply scrape at the surface. Yet, entering 2011, I wish anyone who is reading this and myself a "whole new year!" May we take it all in, experience all of it fully, the happy and the unhappy, the delightful and the boring, the fun and the drudgery. May we open ourselves to all of it.
As American citizens we are granted a constitutional right to the pursuit of happiness. And so we feel entitled, maybe even pushed into ever ongoing attempts to find, seek, make, discover and live in a state of rapture. Here's what I think happens. Sometimes seeking pleasure and happiness gets in the way of experiencing it... the seeking itself takes over and becomes the goal. (Duh ~ I am more mindful of that trap now, more open to seeing simply what IS with delight.)
Another possible downside to continual pursuit of happiness may be a decreased ability to function emotionally, physically and spiritually during the inevitable hard times. If we stop chasing and stop fighting, relaxing into what is, noticing a wide range of feelings, perhaps then we will actually experience our lives as having wholeness.
I'm sure there are many philosophers who have given great thought and good words to the concept of happiness while I simply scrape at the surface. Yet, entering 2011, I wish anyone who is reading this and myself a "whole new year!" May we take it all in, experience all of it fully, the happy and the unhappy, the delightful and the boring, the fun and the drudgery. May we open ourselves to all of it.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thanks to Eat Pray Love
I've been reading (no, savoring is a better word, slowly savoring) Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert for the past couple of months and have just begun reading her book, Committed, about marriage. Both books are memoirs, exploring the important concepts of faith, love, marriage, language, prayer, food, and self, written it seems almost more for her own benefit than for the reader's. So many things she says make sense to me, plus I appreciate her wordsmanship skills. I like her.
At the end of Eat Pray Love, she writes about a time before the events of the book when she retreated, alone, to a remote island for 10 days, vowing to utter not one word to anybody and with no books or anything to distract her from her purpose which was to work out some kind of deal, some way to get along with her demons, her pain and fears. I so resonate with the description of her reasons for silence:
I love the idea of inviting my unpopular feelings, like hers - fear, shame, resentment, guilt, anger - into my heart. Giving up resistance to them. Accepting them into the warm home of my heart.
I see the value of silence in this process, but don't feel it is absolutely necessary. Perhaps I can take some baby steps here, thinking about the emotions of the day (today some fears about mortality, particularly my Mom who is approaching her 94th birthday and the husband of a good friend who was just diagnosed with incurable cancer and given only a few weeks to live) and practice inviting them into my heart. I have goosebumps thinking about it. I will try.
At the end of Eat Pray Love, she writes about a time before the events of the book when she retreated, alone, to a remote island for 10 days, vowing to utter not one word to anybody and with no books or anything to distract her from her purpose which was to work out some kind of deal, some way to get along with her demons, her pain and fears. I so resonate with the description of her reasons for silence:
We create words to define our experience and those words bring attendant emotions that jerk us around like dogs on a leash. We get seduced by our own mantras (I'm a failure... I'm lonely... I'm a failure... I'm lonely...) and we become monuments to them. To stop talking for a while, then, is to attempt to strip away the power of words, to stop choking ourselves with words, to liberate ourselves from our suffocating mantras.After some days of silence, the mantras dropped away and raw emotions - sorrow, anger and shame - bubbled to the surface of her awareness. Do you know what she did with them? She invited them into her heart. She told each of them in turn, "It's over. It's safe. I love you."
I love the idea of inviting my unpopular feelings, like hers - fear, shame, resentment, guilt, anger - into my heart. Giving up resistance to them. Accepting them into the warm home of my heart.
I see the value of silence in this process, but don't feel it is absolutely necessary. Perhaps I can take some baby steps here, thinking about the emotions of the day (today some fears about mortality, particularly my Mom who is approaching her 94th birthday and the husband of a good friend who was just diagnosed with incurable cancer and given only a few weeks to live) and practice inviting them into my heart. I have goosebumps thinking about it. I will try.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Late Night Musings
trying to feel my feelings
a little sad
to see 2010 winding down
wanting
to have finished a few things
in the moment though
all is well
our house is warm enough
house
in a metaphorical sense
teaching a child to bead today
her focus
amazing for an 8 year old
sharing
my passion with her
so many blessings given me
accept them
forget about deserving
or not
because love is all there is
a little sad
to see 2010 winding down
wanting
to have finished a few things
in the moment though
all is well
our house is warm enough
house
in a metaphorical sense
teaching a child to bead today
her focus
amazing for an 8 year old
sharing
my passion with her
so many blessings given me
accept them
forget about deserving
or not
because love is all there is
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
New Beginnings
thinking about new beginnings
a time when many set their goals
and take baby steps toward change
what do I want to change in 2011
resisting
my hands still
keyboard silent for a long time
what might I want to change in 2011
oh, that's a better question
I might want to lighten my load
give up many many possessions
work on reducing the clutter
I might want to let generosity
gain a stronger foothold
less hoarding more giving
I might want to be kind to my body
daily arm toning
daily clam shells to strengthen hips
I might want to let go of angst
oh there's a good one
use mindfulness and serenity prayer
I'm not good a goals
never have been
may this poem be a new beginning
a time when many set their goals
and take baby steps toward change
what do I want to change in 2011
resisting
my hands still
keyboard silent for a long time
what might I want to change in 2011
oh, that's a better question
I might want to lighten my load
give up many many possessions
work on reducing the clutter
I might want to let generosity
gain a stronger foothold
less hoarding more giving
I might want to be kind to my body
daily arm toning
daily clam shells to strengthen hips
I might want to let go of angst
oh there's a good one
use mindfulness and serenity prayer
I'm not good a goals
never have been
may this poem be a new beginning
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Note to Self About the Holidays
solstice
christmas
hanukkah
or st. nicholas
a time
of giving
of sharing
of connecting
think respect
act peace
feel love
breathe renewal
christmas
hanukkah
or st. nicholas
a time
of giving
of sharing
of connecting
think respect
act peace
feel love
breathe renewal
Monday, December 20, 2010
Floating on the Surface
going through the motions
floating on the surface
of the week before Christmas
not getting into it
not finding center
numb like the old days
and wanting to eat
standing in the kitchen
staring at the shelves
what can I eat
honey looks good
popcorn looks good too
jeans are a bit snug...
I tell myself
the old days are out
floating on the surface
feeling numb
what is this about
why do I resist Christmas
why do I hold back
why am I so sad
what do I really want
too numb to know
think about it
what do I really want
family, closeness
meaning, spirituality
depth of soul...
not on the surface...
inside where it hurts
inside where the river flows
deep inside where
I dare to care
floating on the surface
of the week before Christmas
not getting into it
not finding center
numb like the old days
and wanting to eat
standing in the kitchen
staring at the shelves
what can I eat
honey looks good
popcorn looks good too
jeans are a bit snug...
I tell myself
the old days are out
floating on the surface
feeling numb
what is this about
why do I resist Christmas
why do I hold back
why am I so sad
what do I really want
too numb to know
think about it
what do I really want
family, closeness
meaning, spirituality
depth of soul...
not on the surface...
inside where it hurts
inside where the river flows
deep inside where
I dare to care
Friday, December 17, 2010
New Refrigerator!
We had the local power company do an Energy Audit on our home in September. Interesting! Our results were mostly positive, except for one remaining single-pane window and our ancient refrigerator. A new, energy-efficient refrigerator, they told us, would pay for itself in 2-3 years in electric bill savings.
A window is on order, with installation scheduled for next week. And today, oh wonderful day, our new refrigerator was delivered!
How I can be so excited about a refrigerator to want to blog about it? I don't know. It's a simple thing... no ice maker or filtered water-spigot, single door. But it does have a bottom, pull-out drawer-type freezer, which means no more on-my-knees to get veggies, salad stuff and left-overs from the lower shelves, no more bumping my head on the upper freezer compartment when I've stooped and leaned inside to get things from the upper shelves. Here's a picture of our new baby! We got the brushed-stainless steel model.
It's so darn sensible to put the freezer on the bottom and make it a drawer!!!! I get into the cooler part at least 5 times a day, maybe 10. I only open the freezer part 1 or 2 times a day, often not at all. So doesn't it make sense to put the more often used part at standing height rather than stooping or kneeling height? You bet it does! The pull-out freezer drawer doesn't have as much storage space as our old unit, but it's really easy to see what's in there and to get stuff out.
My husband said we should put a big, red bow on it, because it's our Christmas present to ourselves. So I did. Very cute! Know what? I love our new refrigerator!
A window is on order, with installation scheduled for next week. And today, oh wonderful day, our new refrigerator was delivered!
How I can be so excited about a refrigerator to want to blog about it? I don't know. It's a simple thing... no ice maker or filtered water-spigot, single door. But it does have a bottom, pull-out drawer-type freezer, which means no more on-my-knees to get veggies, salad stuff and left-overs from the lower shelves, no more bumping my head on the upper freezer compartment when I've stooped and leaned inside to get things from the upper shelves. Here's a picture of our new baby! We got the brushed-stainless steel model.
It's so darn sensible to put the freezer on the bottom and make it a drawer!!!! I get into the cooler part at least 5 times a day, maybe 10. I only open the freezer part 1 or 2 times a day, often not at all. So doesn't it make sense to put the more often used part at standing height rather than stooping or kneeling height? You bet it does! The pull-out freezer drawer doesn't have as much storage space as our old unit, but it's really easy to see what's in there and to get stuff out.
My husband said we should put a big, red bow on it, because it's our Christmas present to ourselves. So I did. Very cute! Know what? I love our new refrigerator!
Monday, December 13, 2010
Epiphany about Step One
OA Step 1:
We admitted we were
powerless over food -
that our lives
had become unmanageable.
Now, however, I find that my mind's been playing a little trick on me. My subconscious mind made a slight alteration in the wording. Here's the version I accepted 7 months ago:
We admitted we were
powerless over binge foods -
that our lives
had become unmanageable.
I turned my binge foods over to a higher power. I gave up trying to control my eating of cookies, cake, ice cream, pastries, pie and candy. As I've written several times, a drastic change occurred, a miracle, an unimaginable blessing. I no longer crave these foods, nor have crazy voices in my head convincing me to have them, nor feel deprived at not having them.
But my other eating? Well, I guess my mind thought I could control that part of it. I could stick to a food plan of three modest meals a day and nothing in between meals. Not so. At first I did fairly well. Lately the kitchen and refrigerator are calling me, a taste of this, a nibble of that, sometimes a handful of nuts or a small slice of bread and butter, my plate piled high with food at mealtimes, eating it all even when I realize I'm full.
Who am I trying to kid? This is not following a food plan; this smacks of compulsive overeating. Oh, not like before.... not the whole box of cookies type of thing. But, when I return several times to the jar of nuts and have just a few more each time? That to my way of thinking is both compulsive and overeating.
back to
the first three steps
1 - admit I am powerless
over food
(all food, binge and otherwise)
yes, true
2 - accept that a higher power
can restore me to sanity
3 - turn my will over
(give the control to)
a higher power
yes, now
Friday, December 10, 2010
Deprivation Points
Before OA, for eons and eons, I either binged or dieted, one or the other. Being a fairly active person and perhaps luckier than the average overeater, I never went over 240 pounds. Each time I got close to that number, a diet mentality clicked in and I'd begin Weight Watchers, South Beach, Atkins diet or one of the many others I tried.
With each diet, I'd immediately start racking up deprivation points. No cookie? One point! No seconds? One point! No bread? One point! Keeping a huge mental suitcase full of points was no problem at all.
When finally I reached some sort of goal weight, or at least went down a size or two, guess what? I'd start spending the points like crazy, the pounds reapplying themselves to my body in no time at all.
One of the blessings of OA, turning food over to a higher power, knowing it's not me anymore, is this: for the first time in my long weight loss history, I have no suitcase full of deprivation points. I'm not eating cookies, cake, candy and the like, not any at all. But the way I see it is that it's not me making the decisions about what I eat and what I don't eat. It's all in HP's hands. Thus, I don't do anything to earn points. There are no points to be spent later. And that's a good thing!
With each diet, I'd immediately start racking up deprivation points. No cookie? One point! No seconds? One point! No bread? One point! Keeping a huge mental suitcase full of points was no problem at all.
When finally I reached some sort of goal weight, or at least went down a size or two, guess what? I'd start spending the points like crazy, the pounds reapplying themselves to my body in no time at all.
One of the blessings of OA, turning food over to a higher power, knowing it's not me anymore, is this: for the first time in my long weight loss history, I have no suitcase full of deprivation points. I'm not eating cookies, cake, candy and the like, not any at all. But the way I see it is that it's not me making the decisions about what I eat and what I don't eat. It's all in HP's hands. Thus, I don't do anything to earn points. There are no points to be spent later. And that's a good thing!
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Fun in the Rain
fun day with my husband
loving him today
and loving being with him
laughing
he can be so off the wall
with his humor
singing
reading to each other out loud
eating at a Mexican restaurant
eating a little too much
too many chips
they're so dang hard to resist
fun though
day-trip off-island
to the mainland
in his little red wheelbarrow
that's what he calls his pickup truck
it's almost as old as dirt
and small
and the windshield wipers
whack the outer dash
with every wipe
but no complaints
it works and it hauls stuff
like his motorcycle
to the mainland repair shop
our main reason for today's trip
rain, more rain, rain rain rain
good for trees
good for watershed
food for earth
fun in the rain
fun day with my husband
loving him today
and loving being with him
laughing
he can be so off the wall
with his humor
singing
reading to each other out loud
eating at a Mexican restaurant
eating a little too much
too many chips
they're so dang hard to resist
fun though
day-trip off-island
to the mainland
in his little red wheelbarrow
that's what he calls his pickup truck
it's almost as old as dirt
and small
and the windshield wipers
whack the outer dash
with every wipe
but no complaints
it works and it hauls stuff
like his motorcycle
to the mainland repair shop
our main reason for today's trip
rain, more rain, rain rain rain
good for trees
good for watershed
food for earth
fun in the rain
fun day with my husband
Saturday, December 4, 2010
PJ's Million Dollar Question
Since I didn't have a pressing subject anyway, today is a good time to respond to a recent tag by PJ. Here we go:
1. If you could live in another time period, which would you choose? The future? biblical times? 19th century? the 50's Whatever or whenever one you choose and why?If you need to answer with the thought you would still have your same family then do so.
I love our times and have never even considered what it might be like to live in other times. Other periods are interesting to read about or glimpse in movies.... However, to be honest, I'll stay right where I am, with pleasure!
2. What did you want to be 'when you you grew up' when you were a kid? Did you become that?
For a long time, from about age 5 to age 9, I wanted to be a ballet dancer. (See my post about how those hopes got dashed, here, and about a dance performance fiasco, here, and about dancing later in life, here.) So yes and no... not a ballet dancer, but I did dance for fun and for a few years was a dancer in and choreographer for a performing dance group.
Later, in 7th grade and up, I wanted to be a math teacher. Didn't do it. Couldn't get up in time for math classes in college, always scheduled for first or second period for some unknown reason. I tried, but my drinking and card playing at night took priority and so I majored in English and Psychology instead. I took some Education classes, thinking a maybe I'd be an English teacher. I couldn't stand the classes which seemed utterly inane to me and finished my BA with a straight English/Psy degree; went on and got a MA in Counseling Psychology. However, once again, fate brought me back to teaching in later years, not in a HS or college classroom as I had once thought, but in art workshops and conferences around the country. Way fun!!!! I think the counseling training helped me be a better teacher than the education classes would have.
3. If you won a million dollars (after taxes) what would you do?
Lordy, lordy, I have no idea. I have a close friend who won a large lottery. It so changed her life, more than anybody can imagine. One really significant change is that she went into hiding mode. She did not want people to be jealous of her and she felt shame at having gotten so much money, like she didn't deserve it. She and her husband gave a lot of it away. They also bought a very large, fancy home and quit working. After some years, they both felt lost, angry, useless, unworthy. Finally, the only answer seemed to be that they should go back to work, which they both did. Still, I'd have to say, she's not a very happy person. It seems almost that the money is a burden. I would not like to be in her shoes. In fact, I prefer a simple life and have no desire for a million dollars. If somebody gave it to me? Well, maybe I'd just tell 'em to keep it.
My husband and I saw a very interesting documentary movie that follows the lives of five lottery winners and what happens to them over time, Lucky, The Lottery Winner. We were fascinated!
4. What are you most afraid of and why?
On a personal level, it's cancer. Getting cancer or my husband getting cancer frightens me more than anything else. My grandmother, grandfather and mother all had cancer. Sometimes I feel doomed.
But on a more-important, non-personal level, I am most afraid of global warming and the decline of precious life forms on this earth. I hate the way we use it up. I hate that we keep adding to the human population. I wish every woman in the world would allow herself to give birth to one and only one child. In two generations, collectively, we could solve many of the earth's problems with this one simple act. Feeling this way for a very long time, it's the main reason why I never had children.
Thanks PJ, for giving me the opportunity to expound on these interesting questions. If anybody happens to read this and wants to answer the same questions, please do (and also please let me know so I can read your answers).
1. If you could live in another time period, which would you choose? The future? biblical times? 19th century? the 50's Whatever or whenever one you choose and why?If you need to answer with the thought you would still have your same family then do so.
I love our times and have never even considered what it might be like to live in other times. Other periods are interesting to read about or glimpse in movies.... However, to be honest, I'll stay right where I am, with pleasure!
2. What did you want to be 'when you you grew up' when you were a kid? Did you become that?
For a long time, from about age 5 to age 9, I wanted to be a ballet dancer. (See my post about how those hopes got dashed, here, and about a dance performance fiasco, here, and about dancing later in life, here.) So yes and no... not a ballet dancer, but I did dance for fun and for a few years was a dancer in and choreographer for a performing dance group.
Later, in 7th grade and up, I wanted to be a math teacher. Didn't do it. Couldn't get up in time for math classes in college, always scheduled for first or second period for some unknown reason. I tried, but my drinking and card playing at night took priority and so I majored in English and Psychology instead. I took some Education classes, thinking a maybe I'd be an English teacher. I couldn't stand the classes which seemed utterly inane to me and finished my BA with a straight English/Psy degree; went on and got a MA in Counseling Psychology. However, once again, fate brought me back to teaching in later years, not in a HS or college classroom as I had once thought, but in art workshops and conferences around the country. Way fun!!!! I think the counseling training helped me be a better teacher than the education classes would have.
3. If you won a million dollars (after taxes) what would you do?
Lordy, lordy, I have no idea. I have a close friend who won a large lottery. It so changed her life, more than anybody can imagine. One really significant change is that she went into hiding mode. She did not want people to be jealous of her and she felt shame at having gotten so much money, like she didn't deserve it. She and her husband gave a lot of it away. They also bought a very large, fancy home and quit working. After some years, they both felt lost, angry, useless, unworthy. Finally, the only answer seemed to be that they should go back to work, which they both did. Still, I'd have to say, she's not a very happy person. It seems almost that the money is a burden. I would not like to be in her shoes. In fact, I prefer a simple life and have no desire for a million dollars. If somebody gave it to me? Well, maybe I'd just tell 'em to keep it.
My husband and I saw a very interesting documentary movie that follows the lives of five lottery winners and what happens to them over time, Lucky, The Lottery Winner. We were fascinated!
4. What are you most afraid of and why?
On a personal level, it's cancer. Getting cancer or my husband getting cancer frightens me more than anything else. My grandmother, grandfather and mother all had cancer. Sometimes I feel doomed.
But on a more-important, non-personal level, I am most afraid of global warming and the decline of precious life forms on this earth. I hate the way we use it up. I hate that we keep adding to the human population. I wish every woman in the world would allow herself to give birth to one and only one child. In two generations, collectively, we could solve many of the earth's problems with this one simple act. Feeling this way for a very long time, it's the main reason why I never had children.
Thanks PJ, for giving me the opportunity to expound on these interesting questions. If anybody happens to read this and wants to answer the same questions, please do (and also please let me know so I can read your answers).
Friday, December 3, 2010
Reviewing Abstinence
Hmmm, just noticed that today is my 64th day of abstinence in round three. That makes a non-cumulative total of over 200 days without a single bite of:
Truth is, I don't miss those things. They look good, if/when I see them, and they even smell good, sometimes, but I'm not really tempted by them. It's not a struggle and there's no inner dialog about whether or not I can or will or won't have them. This is an unbelievable switcheroo for me, a blessing beyond belief.
Currently, my much more simple food struggles involve portion control and snacking. I have good days, mostly, and a few not so good days in the portion control department. I tend to eat everything on my plate, whether or not I'm full, which tends to be a problem when eating out.
For example, tonight, my husband and I went out to dinner after our marriage counseling session, something we generally do, a neutral place to debrief and review the past 1.5 hours with our counselor. I ordered a three-piece chicken dinner that came with a baked potato and salad bar. After eating one piece of chicken, most of my potato and most of my salad, I noticed that my tummy was measuring satisfied on a scale of hungry to stuffed. I noticed, also that my husband was still eating his prime rib dinner. What is it? Competitive nature? I don't know, but I kept eating... finished the salad and potato and ate one more piece of chicken, at which point I'd have to put myself at full on the scale, maybe even quite full. Finally I quit eating. Yay!
Note to self for future: When you notice you're satisfied , pause for just two minutes. Enjoy the feeling of satisfaction. Notice how the tummy feels. Remember that you do not have to keep up with your husband. Take a deep breath. And THEN decide if you'll eat more. Yeah, yeah, I know... eating lesson 101. I just need to remind myself.
All-in-all, after 200+ days in OA and abstinence, I'm a new person.... happier, more in touch with my feelings, more respectful of myself (and others), much less despairing and resentful!
*****
PS. My husband just reminded me that he took home half his prime rib in a box!
- chocolate
- cookies
- cake
- pastries
- candy
- pie
- ice cream
Truth is, I don't miss those things. They look good, if/when I see them, and they even smell good, sometimes, but I'm not really tempted by them. It's not a struggle and there's no inner dialog about whether or not I can or will or won't have them. This is an unbelievable switcheroo for me, a blessing beyond belief.
Currently, my much more simple food struggles involve portion control and snacking. I have good days, mostly, and a few not so good days in the portion control department. I tend to eat everything on my plate, whether or not I'm full, which tends to be a problem when eating out.
For example, tonight, my husband and I went out to dinner after our marriage counseling session, something we generally do, a neutral place to debrief and review the past 1.5 hours with our counselor. I ordered a three-piece chicken dinner that came with a baked potato and salad bar. After eating one piece of chicken, most of my potato and most of my salad, I noticed that my tummy was measuring satisfied on a scale of hungry to stuffed. I noticed, also that my husband was still eating his prime rib dinner. What is it? Competitive nature? I don't know, but I kept eating... finished the salad and potato and ate one more piece of chicken, at which point I'd have to put myself at full on the scale, maybe even quite full. Finally I quit eating. Yay!
Note to self for future: When you notice you're satisfied , pause for just two minutes. Enjoy the feeling of satisfaction. Notice how the tummy feels. Remember that you do not have to keep up with your husband. Take a deep breath. And THEN decide if you'll eat more. Yeah, yeah, I know... eating lesson 101. I just need to remind myself.
All-in-all, after 200+ days in OA and abstinence, I'm a new person.... happier, more in touch with my feelings, more respectful of myself (and others), much less despairing and resentful!
*****
PS. My husband just reminded me that he took home half his prime rib in a box!
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