Not a great day for my 3 areas of commitment and not a very good day for my food plan either....
The facts:
Not enough sleep (3rd night in a row).
Went to OA meeting... told about the 10 things list leading to serenity prayer leading to commitments. Noticed my shoulders drop into relaxation.
Immediately after OA, went to a quilting work-day. Pot luck. Lots and lots of foods and deserts. Went armed with food plan: took my own food and sat at the table furthest away from the food spread. Saw somebody eating what looked like cashews coated with sesame seeds. My food plan calls for one plate or bowl and no seconds. I had already eaten the food I brought. Went to the food spread, found sesame/cashews and took a handful. Ate them. Yum. Took a second handful. Ate most. Got to thinking about how the sesame seeds were stuck to the cashews. No! I was eating something quite sweet, like maybe caramel. Pop. The last few popped themselves into my mouth.
Dinner tonight. One plate, yes, but perhaps a tad overloaded and all consumed.
The Feelings:
I want to name all the feelings I had at the quilting thing... not all at once and not all the time... some fleeting, some more pronounced.
Sad and angry that my good quilting/art friend didn't choose to sit at my table and seemed to be ignoring me until the very end of the day.
Lonely in a crowded room... most of the time I was there and especially at first.
Bewildered, a little, about the quilt I'm working on. It has a lot of small but difficult decisions that need to be made.
Overwhelmed by all the noise... talking and sewing machines... a couple of women with very loud, piercing voices.
Happy in a rub off sort of way. Most of the women there were having a really good time; lots of laughter.
Glad to be making a little progress on my quilt. Glad and thankful that we have a community of women who make quilts in our town.
Angry about eating those sugary nuts. Angry about not winning a drawing. I wanted the item very much and spent $15 buying tickets for it. Angry that there was so much noise.
Jealous of the women sitting at my friend's table. Jealous of the winner of the drawing.
Afraid that I'll never really feel like I belong to that group, even though I'm not sure I want to belong. Afraid that I did or said something to impair the trust and camaraderie with my friend. Afraid that I may be starting to slip off my food plan. Afraid nobody there likes me. Afraid I'm not a likable person.
Well, that gets to the root of the matter, doesn't it?! Yikes! I certainly wasn't aware of all those feeling while I was there. In retrospect, it's easy to find them and to belatedly feel my feelings.
I don't know if it's good or bad to list and revisit my feelings. However, I do know that prayer never entered my mind. I had just come from an OA meeting, yet the part where I rely on a power stronger than my own (the Universe, God)and pray for guidance, reassurance, love, forgiveness... that part never entered the room with me.
I am not perfect. I do not have to be perfect. I move forward with greater understanding and the hope of recognizing my feelings and responding with prayer the next time.
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Seems to me it would be a good think to examine your feelings like you did, and then move on, like you are. The title says it all. But you are not starting ALL over. You have made progress, you are learning. That is a good thing:)
ReplyDeleteRight. You are not starting all over again, you are continuing on your life in recovery. There are up days and there are down days. We really learn on the down days. It took me a long time to trust a Higher Power. But I started pretending that I believed and followed what other people did with prayer. I still have to be anxious to finally see that there is an option to have faith, and then do I want out or do I want discomfort. It is how it works I feel. Julie C
ReplyDeleteI have avoided our churches' social events because of my reaction to all the foods at the event.When I do go , I plan, I prepare, avoid the table and yet I'm sucked towards it. I want extra pieces of all the goodies. I forget that I need to be there for the company , the social aspect, the everything reason but the pieces of cake and the cookies. I'm trying to learn to have social experiences. I try to also realize that other people are lonely and want someone to take the first step too. So I'm working on it. Every year there is ladys' garden luncheon that is just beautiful , like something off the pages of a magazine, but I've been avoiding it because of the food. I'm not avoiding it this year.
ReplyDeleteThe point is you went. You HAD a lot of feelings. You may have given off some vibes because you were anxious about the food or the noise or just being in a social situation. I could be wayyyy off here. You are still having progress here, just not perfection and that is what it is all about. Would it help if you have other events to go to , to plan to allow yourself to have at least one thing from the potluck and then have what you really want? So you don't feel deprived .
Well, Peaceful, you're just letting your hair--or maybe your feathers--down. I have the plethora of feelings like that too sometimes, and especially in a big group.
ReplyDeletePrimarily: why is everyone having so much fun, and why don't I feel like a part of it? What "fun" gene am I missing?
You certainly are not starting ALL over again. By your title, I thought you dove into a vat of chocolate! I don't want to minimize how you feel about it, but a few candied nuts are not a deal-killer. Just a little bump in the road.
Hopefully by allowing yourself to feel, name, acknowledge, and own what you feel, it will diminish the urge to distract yourself by binging. Painful either way, isn't, it? That's what is so hard. Nobody is saying it's not hard.....
I am so proud of you Robin! You are being real & honest about what is going on. I think there are days when you will stumble, but the important thing is to do what you did. In the past you went to events like this, & if you are like me, enjoyed grazing on all the good food especially the sweets that people brought to it. I hope you give yourself credit that you didn't binge on food no matter how insecure you were feeling, and you are working to discover what your underlying feels are. What more can you expect of yourself. You are certainly inspiring me to eat more healthily & more consciously.
ReplyDeleteTo Karen ~ Excellent point about not starting all over again. Thanks for the reminder!
ReplyDeleteTo PJ ~ I can tell we've been in each other's shoes... quilt or garden pot-lucks... it's all the same. I like your suggestion a lot and will try to remember it for next time. Although, deprivation was not a feeling I had in any conscious way.
To Genie ~ "What fun gene is missing?" What a hoot. Yup, I've often wondered that. And you're right... either way, it can be painful.
To Julie ~ Your experience with AA is like a seatbelt for me... It's holding me in place with a secure feeling. I appreciate that so much!
To Liz ~ You ask such a good and direct question... "What more can I expect of myself?" Maybe prayer will gradually quiet the inner critic who says, "You should have done better!"