Building Self Confidence

The above is my tribute to Halloween night, when witches boil their brew, its bubbling sulfurous stench a warning to all who might venture near... Actually it's a picture I took on my recent road trip, a hot springs in Yellowstone, which didn't smell all that bad, thanks to a slight breeze blowing away from me.

Looking at it tonight reminds me of the day of departure, of feeling a little daunted, a little frightened even, about the prospect of the long drive ahead, of the many little decisions I would need to make, where to stay, which route to take, when to stop. Not consulting anybody else, taking into account only my own wishes, experiencing such solitude of being and arriving safely back home again after 4,000+ miles gave me a wonderful boost of self confidence, hopefully a dose that will last for some time to come!

A Traveler's Food Choices

a traveler's food choices

often in restaurants

and in my case

in family homes

are certainly more challenging

than when safely in one's own home

yesterday I picked up rolls

at a scrumptious bakery

as my contribution to dinner

samples

omg! samples!

long one of my greatest downfalls

some sort of cinnamon-swirl goodie

and something with frosting and nuts

didn't think

forgot about my food plan

entirely

I'll try a sample of that one, I said

carried it to my car

along with the rolls I purchased

seat-belted myself

and took a big chomp

ooooops, this is sweet

ooooops, frosting

ooooops, this thing isn't a bread sample

shall I finish eating it?

I'm in my car eating it

knowing it's technically an abstinence food

knowing I don't eat in my car anymore

knowing I'm eating between meals

which also I don't do anymore

did I spit it out? no

did I throw the other two bites out? no

did I eat them

even though I knew it was

in violation of both my

food plan and abstinence list?

yes

I'm sorry to say, mea culpa

what now?

shall I start my abstinence count again

yes, I suppose so

I don't want to start again

loving and being attached

to the number 90

today's number

I really resist

setting the counter

back to zero

but I will

because that's the truth

and the way it works best

is to stick with the truth

I forgive myself

for yesterday's mistake

wrapping the truth of it

around my neck

like a beautiful scarf

and move along the path

of today's food choices

armed this time

with greater awareness

and a stronger commitment

to feel my feelings

first

before reaching for samples

or whatever is offered

Home Again... (A Few Trip Photos at the End)

at this moment
nothing seems to be working very well
trying to identify and feel my feelings
a sense of despair
like low lying fog
obscuring the sun


That's the truth of the moment... hopefully it will pass, maybe later this afternoon when my neighbor and I take our 2 mile walk with her pup dogs. They're Westies - very peppy and cute. Actually, it lifts my mood just to think of them. We haven't walked for a week and a half... I miss the exercise, my time with her and the pups very much.

Now that we're home again and our county fair is over, I have no excuses... It's time to get back to my food plan and start exercising again.

The motorcycle ride was tough in many ways... extreme heat, two break downs, restaurant eating, energy depletion. It brought out the worst of my entitlement thinking, which resulted in some overeating and poor food choices.

Or, looking at it in a different way... despite stress and hardship, I made some good food choices and managed to stick with my meal plan part of the time. And despite temptations, I didn't eat any of my binge foods! (Oh, I like that better!)

The other good things about the trip are that I managed to stay fairly positive, to look for and find interesting people and things along the way, and to conquer my 30-year aversion to being seen in a swimsuit.

So why, two and a half days after returning, am I so blue? I don't know.

Think I'll end this post on a more positive note by posting a few of my trip photos...

Character we met at a gas station.


My bike and a horseman near a pay phone.


Bare back highway rider.


Yakima River, blue highway follows the canyon.


Temps over 100 for five days of our ride.


Some smart chalk artist marked a remedy for the heat...


Sure fix for a hot biker.


Milky jade, the actual color of the water above Diablo Dam.


We drove into quite the headwind on the last day.

Never a Dull Moment

Day three of our motorcycle trip... We're passing through an iddy-biddy town in the mountains and my husband's clutch cable snaps. It's about noon and the temperature is in the high 90s. It's Sunday, so nothing except the 1865 Bar & Grill is open.

Husband stays with bikes while I go to the bar to ask if by any chance they know of somebody in the area who might be able to fix the bike today. They make some phone calls... Eventually a man staggers into the bar, looking bleary-eyed around the room. Turns out, he might know somebody named Kevin who could work on the bike. But he can't remember Kevin's last name and doesn't know where he lives. He's already drunk or I'd buy him a beer... So I borrow the phone book and return to the bikes.

Making phone calls to the nearest big town, eventually we finally find a live body in a cycle repair shop. Tow truck and extra pay for the mechanic to come on Sunday. But what price getting out of the blistering sun?

By six pm, the bike was fixed (sort of) but then wouldn't start because maybe the mechanic disconnected something or didn't connect something correctly. We're a two-hour ride from our motel reservation and the bike still isn't running.

Mechanic helps us find a motel that has a room available and here we are. We just ate at a Mexican restaurant, which was terrible. Must have been feeling very sorry for myself, because I at the whole basket of chips, every one of them. AND, I didn't order very wisely either. And everything was so salty, that I'll retain water for three days. Is that good in 100 degree temps? I don't know.

Anyhow, I am going to return to our AC room and have fun getting some sleep...

Tomorrow will be what it will be... either they'll get the bike fixed and we'll move along, broke but on the road again... or they won't. Either way, I promise, no more chips!

Ten Things for the Ride...

Here's my ride for the next six days. I ride my own bike (Suzuki 800) because it's fun, and I love it, and my husband can carry more camera gear on his bike when he's not carrying me. BTW, we're not Harley folks and don't generally ride in a group. Except this time we will be riding with some of my husband's friends for a couple of days. Apprehensive as I am about this particular ride, I'm determined to stay on program and to have a good time. Several readers of my previous post gave me some great ideas and support (THANKS!)...

Ten Things for the Ride

1. I will ride with caution and not take any risks. If I can't keep up, so be it. I will risk getting lost rather than ride in a way that feels unsafe to me.
2. At each stop, I will make rendezvous plans with my husband in case we get separated.
3. One day at a time, I will not eat any of my binge foods.
4. When things don't go my way, I will recall the serenity prayer.
5. I will observe the people we encounter and the world around us with a mind open to inspiration and beauty.
6. I will take lots of photos.
7. I will give myself a little slack to eat meals in restaurants that might be a bit higher in fat and carbs than I usually do at home.
8. I will not take my husband's moods personally. This is a tall order and may be the biggest challenge of the trip.
9. I will be firm, yet realistic, about asking for what I need.
10. I will feel my feelings, acknowledge them, respect them.

Oh yes, and one more... I will post a few pictures and a report when I return next week.