Friday, August 19, 2011

Can't Sleep...

It's getting on toward 3 AM and I'm having one of those "can't sleep" events. Since two readers have written to ask how I'm doing, a very caring and sweet thing to do, I decided to put a productive spin on not being able to sleep and write a post.

Yikes, you'd think I'd be all written out... words and words and words. Days when I'm on a roll; days when I balk and don't like anything I write. Days when I almost believe it's possible to pull off writing this book, days when the pathway toward the definitive book about beading seems within my reach, and days when I want to run away, disappear, hide under my bed. Up and down I go...

On the down days I want to eat for solace. On the up days I want to eat to celebrate. I don't weigh, so I don't know the damage I've been doing yet. But my jeans are getting tight. Not a good sign. Don't think they shrink in the night on the chair by my bed. The good news is I haven't eaten any of my binge foods. It's actually REALLY good news, because even though I'm snacking and gaining a little, I don't feel crazy. I don't have the food monster constantly bugging me about chocolate or cookies. I'm still going to OA meetings, still eating mostly healthy foods... just too many of them, too often.

Sounds like a rationalization for compulsive overeating. Yes, I admit, some of my snacking is compulsive. And yes, I admit, I am overeating... having larger helpings than I need, eating until I feel uncomfortable sometimes. Maybe I don't have to do that. Maybe the force for balance and harmony will help me to regain mine and not let the book stress take it away from me.

Five more months to complete the book. Sounds like a lot of time, but it's not when you consider that I not only have to write but also design and make about 30 projects, taking step-by-step photos as I go along. And Photoshop. Eeeegad that can take a lot of time. Now I'm griping and trying to justify overeating... Stop it, PB!

Maybe everything will be is fine, falling into place and getting done. Maybe I'll look back on these months and think, "Yeah, the pregnancy was awful, but the baby sure is cute!" Let's vote for that!

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Gratitude for today: friends who care, opportunities, friends who are helping me, friends in general, our garden, abstinence (322 days as of today).