Saturday, May 19, 2012

Indecision ~ The Beast and Maybe Some Cures

The topic at our OA meeting today came from the daily reading.


What causes it and what can I do about it?

Thinking about this topic (with the contributions of other members in mind), I notice that making decisions, for me, is often something that causes a lot of stress and anxiety.
  1. I have it in mind that there is ONE RIGHT (or PERFECT) decision; and therefore one or more wrong decisions.
  2. Many times, I get it in my mind that a decision is an either/or deal
  3. Often, fear of making a decision is based on fear that my husband will not approve of my decision, or that he will prefer that I take a different path than the one which most appeals to me. These fears keep me from discussing the decision with him at all, keeping me stuck in a state of indecision. Sometimes this fear makes me sneaky... eventually making a decision, but not telling him about it until whatever it is is a "done deal," which isn't a very good thing for our marriage.
  4. Somehow, I grew up with the "damned if I do and damned if I don't" belief about decision making. Since I prefer not to be damned, I sit on the fence forever sometimes.
  5. Decisions feel like ending points. Make a decision and stick with it. Make a decision and that's the end of that.
Today's meeting gave me some tools for dealing with the above decision-busters!
  1. I don't have to be perfect. My decisions don't have to be perfect or right.
  2. Most decisions do not have to be either/or. Most of the time, I can consider and take more than one path.
  3. Dealing with my husband's disapproval regarding my decisions is difficult. But keeping our communications open and honest is a priority. I respect his right to disagree with my decisions and my own right to make decisions he doesn't like.
  4. What about changing the old rag? My new mantra is:  "blessed if I do and blessed if I don't."
  5. A decision is never an end. A decision is a new beginning. From the moment of every decision there is a journey to take along a pathway with many more decision points. 
  6. Saying the Serenity Prayer helps in times of indecision.

Compulsive Overeating - New Beginnings

Book writing and two eye surgeries are behind me now. During the 9 months of book and eyes, I've gone off my food plan, returning to some of my former compulsive overeating habits, looking to comfort foods to deal with stress, anxiety, fear and procrastination. I'm admitting it, full disclosure.... I don't weigh myself, but am guessing I gained 10-15 pounds during this time.

Did compulsive overeating, between meal snacking on large quantities of nuts and chips, help me get through the stresses, etc? Did it help me to avoid procrastination. Nope, I don't think so. Actually I used snacks to procrastinate, to avoid working on the book. And I'm certain it added to my stress levels that I was obviously gaining weight.

To my other fears, compulsive overeating added a fear of sinking into the abyss of addiction, returning to binge eating of my abstinence foods, spiraling into horrendous weight gain, until once again I was squeezing into size 18 jeans and avoiding people because of my shame. So, no... it didn't help. I knew it wouldn't, and yet I ate.

I'm going boldly out on a limb here... I FORGIVE myself. I made mistakes and I forgive myself for them. I let got of the mistakes and look to the future.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Today I re-embrace my food plan. Today I let go of the mistakes and begin re-winding the spiral, moving toward healthy eating and following a sensible food plan. The book, eye surgeries and compulsive overeating are behind me now. The blessings of new beginnings grace me.