Friday, August 19, 2011

Can't Sleep...

It's getting on toward 3 AM and I'm having one of those "can't sleep" events. Since two readers have written to ask how I'm doing, a very caring and sweet thing to do, I decided to put a productive spin on not being able to sleep and write a post.

Yikes, you'd think I'd be all written out... words and words and words. Days when I'm on a roll; days when I balk and don't like anything I write. Days when I almost believe it's possible to pull off writing this book, days when the pathway toward the definitive book about beading seems within my reach, and days when I want to run away, disappear, hide under my bed. Up and down I go...

On the down days I want to eat for solace. On the up days I want to eat to celebrate. I don't weigh, so I don't know the damage I've been doing yet. But my jeans are getting tight. Not a good sign. Don't think they shrink in the night on the chair by my bed. The good news is I haven't eaten any of my binge foods. It's actually REALLY good news, because even though I'm snacking and gaining a little, I don't feel crazy. I don't have the food monster constantly bugging me about chocolate or cookies. I'm still going to OA meetings, still eating mostly healthy foods... just too many of them, too often.

Sounds like a rationalization for compulsive overeating. Yes, I admit, some of my snacking is compulsive. And yes, I admit, I am overeating... having larger helpings than I need, eating until I feel uncomfortable sometimes. Maybe I don't have to do that. Maybe the force for balance and harmony will help me to regain mine and not let the book stress take it away from me.

Five more months to complete the book. Sounds like a lot of time, but it's not when you consider that I not only have to write but also design and make about 30 projects, taking step-by-step photos as I go along. And Photoshop. Eeeegad that can take a lot of time. Now I'm griping and trying to justify overeating... Stop it, PB!

Maybe everything will be is fine, falling into place and getting done. Maybe I'll look back on these months and think, "Yeah, the pregnancy was awful, but the baby sure is cute!" Let's vote for that!

* * * * * * * * *
Gratitude for today: friends who care, opportunities, friends who are helping me, friends in general, our garden, abstinence (322 days as of today).


  1. Thank you for posting. I am so pleased that you are essentially ok. It is a shame that the fun and excitement of writing the book is tainted by stress and anxiety. I think that is a perfectly normal response. It is something that you care deeply about, something that you want to get absolutely right. I wish I was physically closer and could help on some practical level. I can take photographs, I can use Photoshop, I can even bead but certainly not as well as you can 

    It doesn’t sound to me like you are rationalizing for compulsive overeating; it sounds to me like to are evaluating your food behaviour. At least you are aware that you are overeating and not denying it. 322 days of abstinence is FANTASTIC! I wish I had some great idea to help you manage the snacking. I know there have been many good suggestions in the comments and that you know all of the ‘tips’ for getting past it but I also know that it is not as simple as that.

    I hope you got back to sleep after writing this post and I hope you have more days when the words flow and the path is clear.

  2. Can't say much because I'm reading and typing in a bouncing car. But glad to see you are hanging in there. So close now to a year of abstinence!

  3. Hang in there Robin! We're all pulling for you!! Plus, we can't wait to see the book!

  4. Just now catching up - after a whirlwind of activity here!
    You are rounding off a full year!
    Pretty good stuff, considering how busy you are!
    The only way I manage the snacking - is like any junkie...with complete and total (boring) abstinence.
    The answer that works every time... but none of us want to be true....or final!

  5. Good to "hear" from you again. Glad the deadlines are getting met despite the stress. Just remember that there is both good and bad stress, it isn't all one or the other. Also remember that "a" word: acceptance. I find that when I am having trouble getting to a point of acceptance or forgiveness it is usually time to do service. And, of course, I often most need to do a little service at the times when I'm most stressed out and feel I have nothing left to give. Funny how those conundrums seem to work themselves out when I just do it. Hope you're sleeping better now. Look forward to hearing more. -DB


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