Sunday, April 20, 2014

"You Are Safe"

A friend in OA just sent me something he found on a blog... I love it... so to keep and share it, here you go:

You may feel overwhelmed, alone, in danger – about to be consumed by the waves. You need to know something today.
You need to know that I love you, without condition, without condemnation. I love you just for you.
If someone tells you what you’re doing wrong, don’t take it on yourself. Bring it to me. Talk to me. Ask me to show you if there is even a grain of truth for you in it, then with a breath, I’ll blow the rest away. Someone else’s assessment of you is not yours to carry, only what I give you.
If there is a grain of truth, it will not crush you. You may feel embarrassed or your pride may be wounded, but only because you forget this was never about getting it right – it’s about a journey with me. To grasp what I show you is to admit you didn’t already know it. Let that deflated pride go, grab onto what I show you, and move forward with me.
And if someone tells you what you’re doing is wrong, and you bring it to me, I may tell you that you are fine. Perfectly fine just the way you are. It is my job to lead and guide you in this life.
Remember, my burden is easy to carry, because I’m here to help you carry it, and I know exactly where you are and what you need. Others give you burdens that are too heavy for you because they aren’t fitted to you. Set them down. Instead, just follow me.
Step inside my unconditional love. Let the waves crash outside. You are safe.
I am with you. I will be with you forever.
I love you. I will love you forever.
This can be a message from me to me, or a message from my higher power to me, or a message from me to "Little Me." The thing that strikes me the most is the line at the end, "You are safe." It's what I crave in this crazy, over-populated, self-destructive world. See?I can get so bent just thinking about the world's troubles, and the bottom line is this: I don't feel safe. With the guidance of these words, I want to practice letting "the waves crash outside." Ah, for a moment, my shoulders are at rest, not hunched up around my ears. Ah, it feels good!

Monday, April 14, 2014

Dealing with "The Voice'

While writing morning pages last Friday, I may have discovered a way to deal with the voice, the one that incessantly says I need to eat more, to eat my trigger foods because I deserve them, just this once, just eat today and be abstinent tomorrow. I'm pretty sure anybody who deals with overeating and overweight, is quite familiar with the voice.

When I've been abstinent and eating on my program for quite a while, when it becomes habit to not eat sweets, not eat between meals, and not overeat meals, then the voice gets pretty quiet. But once I start getting off track, it comes right back, bossier and louder than ever.

Friday night I couldn't sleep, tossing and turning in bed, my mind churning, rubbing me feet together, and grinding my teeth for hours. Finally, I got up, turned on the light and wrote morning pages, trying to calm myself. "Be still," I wrote! About half way through, I wrote this:
I resolve every night not to overeat the next day, and every morning or day, I overeat again... Maybe, instead, I should resolve to eat everything. Tomorrow I will eat chocolate, huge quantities of it... and pizza, and pastries, cake... chocolate cake from Kings Market. I resolve to eat at least 2 of each of my binge foods. I'll go right to town and buy 2 pieces of cake, 2 pastries, 2 cookies, 2 chocolate bars (the gourmet chocolate toffee I noticed today), 2 pieces of chocolate pie, and 2 pints of chocolate ice cream. Then I'll go find a private place to park, and eat all of it sitting in my car. YES!!! Oh yes! I am resolved to do that. Absolutely. Screw everything. I will do it!
Well as you might guess, it made me giggle to write such an absurd vow, and then chortle, and then laugh right out loud. The idea of eating all those things at one time is so ludicrous, my mood suddenly lifted, and the I felt OK for the first time in weeks.

My new idea is this: when the voice starts insisting we have a cookie, just this once, I'll say "Sure, let's go to the store. Only why stop at one? Let's have a couple dozen. And let's have ice cream to go with the cookies. And let's get a whole pie too... Come on... let's go!"

When the voice says, just this once we need to have a piece of toast with butter and jam right after we've eaten dinner, I'll say, "Sure, I'm all for it. Only let's have more than one piece! Let's toast a whole loaf a bread, spread it with a whole cube of butter, and use a whole jar of jam on it! And why stop at that! Let's go to town and get some real treats! We can have 2 of everything we like! Just today... We won't do it after today."

I'll make my reply as ridiculous as possible. Maybe laughter will be an antidote... I'll let you know.

Thanks for the responses to my call for "Help" in my previous post. Your support surrounded me, and helped me get through the past week, not quite squeaky clean, but much better about eating than I had been previously.