Written from my current beadwork project about a week apart. The model is easy to do. I sit quietly for a moment and then take a couple of minutes to write down all the words and/or phrases that come into my mind as I look around me (in this case, looking at my beadwork and beading supplies). When I run out of things to write, I circle the word or phrase that seems the most compelling at that moment. The first line of my poem is "I am _____________ (that word or phrase). Then I use other words/phrases on the list to write a poem about myself. Here they are:
#1
I am scattered
I want to be one of the other
words or phrases
such as I am peaceful
or I am purple
or I am flowing
but the truth is
I AM scattered right now
as I cut through
the crumpled remains
of the soft colors
of my marriage dream
I am scattered
as I pack all my things in a box
drained of energy
traffic noise in my head...
oh flower fabric and aqua beads
may you refill my cup of life
PB March30, 2013
#2
I am delicate
emotionally delicate I guess
a little unusual for me
my heart is folded
my wedding rings still on my finger
my life flowing along
as if everything was normal
as if everything was the same
I am circled by beads
beautiful, graceful, pretty beads
are supporting a new phase...
like the buterfly
I will take a new form
yet with the same life blood
the same heart as before
PB April 14, 2013
Writing out these poems seems to be the most accurate way of recording what is going on right now. I'm tired, scattered, called by food (my mother addiction), plagued by all the subsidiary addictions. I constantly think I need, make that NEED something... need to buy a ruffled bedskirt, need to have a handful of nuts, need to call my friend L, need to buy new walking shoes, need to make a cup of tea, need to take some Aleeve...it's about needing to find something to fix it, to make myself feel better. The answer's not there. Where is the answer? Maybe there just isn't an answer. Maybe I just feel sad and delicate and scattered, and that's the way it is.
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Robin, your raw honesty here touches my Heart. You describe yourself as delicate, and in a sense, yes, I understand that. But in another sense, it takes strength from deep down inside to be this willing to See and acknowledge this phase you are going through, and how you are feeling.
ReplyDeleteI've been reading and learning a LOT just lately about the transformation from caterpillar to butterfly. Bottomline... no one really knows HOW it happens (speaking metaphorically now about changes in our own hearts). Yet, it does happens. The caterpillar takes in healthy nourishment in preparation, then is safely cocooned inside the chrysalis, a place of sanctuary. (I've just come to see this as a loving, safe place).
Then, it Rests. It waits, trusting the process. Knowing that in time there will be a change. It couldn't tell you how it happened, it just knows that in time, it will.
I think the healing in your heart, and the transformation to the new life your are transitioning into, is similar. You don't have to "make" it happen... it just will. I believe it's a God thing... a process of healing that is led by Love and Rest.
Hugs!
And your response touches my heart too. I love the idea of trusting the process and that I don't have to do anything to make it happen. Thank you so much.
DeleteRettakat said it all.
ReplyDeleteI agree, Rettakat said it beautifully.
ReplyDeleteIt makes my heart ache that you are in this delicate state at the moment, makes me want to reach out and hug you but from reading your blogs all of these years I think you are strong and that with time and rest you will grow wings the soar like a peaceful bird.
delicate....we all have those times but we don't always describe it so eloquently.
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