Tonight I'm thinking a lot about love and what it means to love another person and to be loved by that person. "Love" is a word my husband doesn't seem to trust. I shy away from it too. Except in the first year or so of our 16 years together, we haven't used it much. In recent years, we declared our love for the other a few times on the phone, a few times in writing, especially on cards, but rarely by speaking the words to the other. Why is that?
In the morning at 10:30, I will stand before a judge, who will determine if we will be divorced. If he/she agrees to our plan for dissolution, we will be officially divorced on Monday.
This evening, we went to hear a little presentation in town about wildflowers found in the two National Parks located on our island. After that, we went back to his house and packed a few of the remaining things of mine into my car. Then we watched some TV together, until it was time for me to toddle down the road to my new home. Tomorrow evening, we will have a dress-up dinner at a fancy restaurant to celebrate the "new beginnings," the start of a new pathway for our relationship, which for the last few months seems to be quite a healthy friendship.
So where is love? What is love? Did we love each other? Do we love each other now? I think we did and do... at least, I'm pretty sure about me. It just doesn't quite make sense to me at this moment how we could enjoy being together, care deeply about the welfare of the other, yet not be able to stay married and living together. And what's with not being able to say the words "I love you," to the other person?
There's something odd about the word "love," especially when it comes to our relationship, our history together. I can't speak for him. But for me, love is a can of worms, too big for one little post. Guess for now, I'll sleep on it... maybe write some more about it later.
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Love is a strange emotion. Personally, I think it would be difficult to marry late in life, each person set in their ways.
ReplyDeleteBut here's one for you. We have friends that have been together 50 years. They have each been married three times...to each other. Currently they are not married, but have lived together for at least 40 years. They live together just fine, as long as they aren't married. Go Figure.
You and he have a strange love, but friends is better than enemies.
I always taught my children because it was such a strong belief for me there are different levels of love. Each relationship has its own definition and level and it changes like relationships do. I think it also comes with expectations attached to it. Tor example. The expectation off love for a friend is different than a spouse and that influences the love. My opinion
ReplyDeleteWow, reading this set off a whole chain of thoughts in my head. Love...
ReplyDeleteI've been married 36 years, and it still feels vulnerable to look him in the eye and say, point blank "I love you". Easy to write and pour my heart onto paper. But to stand there, baring it, putting my Heart of hearts into the hands of another... knowing I am giving them the ability to decimate me at that moment with the wrong words because I have lowered my walls... that takes trust. I must trust his love for me not to hurt me, but to love me back.
It's hard to admit, but just this last summer, I think I finally started to learn what it means to "love for love's sake"; to love just to give, not to expect anything in return. But to love, freely given, with no expectancy of getting anything back for my efforts. If I did, that's wonderful; but it was not my motive.
And yes, it was a lesson learned from a very hard, painful season in our marriage. Healing has been happening, slowly, gently, without pushing. Love gives. So I chose to give that gift of love without strings... He has not really changed a WHOLE lot, but I have. And that has brought more peace and healing and hope.
I hope sharing my little story will somehow encourage you. Whichever way your future together goes, I know Love can make it better, whichever form of Love it turns out to be.
Wish I read this sooner.. will get back to you by mail. But be sure: I love you. These words are heartfelt and true.
ReplyDeleteSecond only to “what’s the meaning of life?”, “what is love?” has to be the hardest question to answer. I guess that is because it is something different to everyone.
ReplyDeleteI have known couples who apparently love each other (they are certainly drawn to one another like magnets), yet cannot live together. And I know a couple who do not love each other in the romantic sense who cannot imagine living apart.
I do know that loving my husband and feeling loved by him is the most comfortable and contented place I have ever been! We often speak about what makes our relationship work. We agree that being able to be ourselves is important - not having to pretend to be something we are not. We have separate interests that each of us encourages and supports but we also have a lot of common interests and like spending time together. And, yes, we say “I love you” frequently (at least once a day) and hug and kiss often.
I truly hope that you and your husband can find your comfortable place.