Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Downward Spiral

HELP!

Help me, please. I am on a downward spiral of eating too much, especially too much bread, jam, honey, and restaurant foods. This past Saturday and Sunday, both days, I found an excuse to be alone, drove to a bakery, bought a large cookie, and ate it sneakily in the car before returning to my quilting buddies (on a retreat).

This, after 452 days of abstinence... no cookies, no candy, no pie, no ice cream, no pastries, and most importantly, no chocolate (which is my absolutely worst addictive substance). Cookies are a road to chocolate.

I am so afraid of getting into my old binging ways, where shame and fear rule me, where my weight skyrockets and I hate myself.

Today and yesterday I was abstinent. Two days. I must remember that 452 days began with one day, and then a second day.

Meetings? Yes, I go to meetings. Steps? Do I work the steps? Well, I have probably spent 30 hours working the steps in the last 6 months. I don't have a sponsor. I do have one. But she is on a year-long road trip. And I never really asked for her help.

One of my many problems, is I don't trust that anybody or anything can help me. See? I'm still having a problem with steps 2 & 3. It all felt clear when I was writing in the 12-Step workbook, but now I'm lost again.

I feel dirty. Eating those two cookies makes me feel dirty. Eating them gave me no comfort and no relief; it only made me feel dirty, sneaky, and stupid.

Usually, when I write here, I try to end on a positive note. At this moment, I can not find a positive note.

5 comments:

  1. Aw Robin... gentle hugs to you.

    First, I'm glad you have this place to just let it out, to write it down, look at it, and really be able to step back and see what's going on in your heart. I know that sometimes when I have to actually write something out, it sort of crystalizes what I am really feeling in a way that I can't do when just trying to catch hold of those swirling and turbulent emotions by "thinking" about them.

    Second, I really wish I had some kind of wisdom to offer, or knew more about the program you are in, so as to say the "right" thing. Well, all I can honestly say is: I truly truly understand. Every single emotion you've described, I've felt at one time or another. I was just reading along, and nodding, with totally understanding.

    The only thing I can say, from my Heart is, just "be" awhile. Just breathe, wait, open your heart to being loved and cared about.

    I say that because of all the desperate times when I've felt like my heart was so destroyed, and I didn't have any more hope. Yet somehow, the next day came, and I hung on... time passed... and slowly I was given hope again and encouragement. No, at the time, it did NOT feel like it. And I was afraid I'd lose what little bit of progress I had made.

    But I truly believe God hears the cries of the brokenhearted, the discouraged, and WANTS to help. To encourage. To comfort. And to help us forgive ourself.

    And to help us change, deep inside in our heart of hearts. Because that is Why we do what we do... it comes from deep inside, as you already know.

    A verse from ancient scriptures that mean's a lot to me during times of turmoil is: Be still, and know that I am God.

    Meditate on that if you feel open to it... say it over and over, and see what it might mean to YOU.

    I find great peace from it. And I hope you do, too, Robin.

    It's cliche, but then there is also truth to the saying about it being darkest right before the dawn. This sounds like a dark time for you; may Love shine a light for you, my friend. Your answers will come, I just know it.

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    Replies
    1. Bless your heart, Retta, I will say it over and over: Be still, and know I am God. Thank you for shining a light in my darkness with your caring, loving words.

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  2. Karen - Waisting TimeMarch 26, 2014 at 4:27 AM

    Coincidentally I was just thinking about you the other day. I have not blogged in so long I can't remember and only sometimes catch up on ones I used to read. But I saw this one today, timed just before I left town and would have missed it. Kismet?

    I am here to support you in any way I can. If it helps, email me whenever. If you have an urge to eat, if you want to vent, whatever. I can respond (as soon as possible since I'm traveling for the next week), or not, whatever you prefer.

    You are strong. I know it. I hope you know it. You have done this before and you can do this again. Focus on what you know. What works for you, how things make you feel, etc. One day at a time. Or, one hour or one minute.

    Hugs.

    Karen waistingtimeblog@gmail.com

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  3. I'm sorry you are in this place. I can't live that kind of abstinence, so I can't think of what to say exactly. I hesitate to point you in other directions that might help you , but don't follow the OA philosophy. I DO understand that kind of guilt and regret though. I know you need to forgive yourself and just start over. You are not a superhuman --no such thing. We are not perfect creatures. Forgive. Start over. Everyday is starting over-that is a blessing.

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  4. Robin, you had been abstinent a very long time. You set that up as a goal, a reinforcement of your desire to change. You have changed! 452 days... One setback does not a failure make. Be kind to yourself, fellow human. You are much loved.

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Thank you for taking the time to comment. I appreciate it very much.