Two and a half years it's been since I last posted, good years in some ways and rough in some ways. I quit OA and gradually I quit my abstinence program, especially in the year since trump went on the campaign trail and began to... akkkkkkkk.... don't get me started on him. Talk about anger and resentment. Whoooosh. I should work the steps about my relationship to mr. trump. I really should. In the past 5 months I went heavily back into binging on chocolate. Daily.
Two weeks ago I started abstinence on chocolate. again. I pray for help with this, because chocolate is the mother of all my addictions. I can not do it alone. Chocolate is poison to me, because when I start consuming it, I can not stop... 800, 1,000, 2,000 calories a day in chocolate and very little else. Alcoholics understand this. Most others do not. My internal systems don't like it. I get sick a lot. Plus I've gained almost all my weight back. Again. And that makes me uncomfortable and less active. Sugar isn't so hot either, I will eat almost anything with sugar until it is gone. So, I hope to become abstinent on cake, cookies, pastries, candy, ice cream as well as chocolate. Today I was not. I don't know about tomorrow.
I've missed my blogger friends. I need you now more than ever because I don't have OA anymore.
Showing posts with label chocolate. Show all posts
Showing posts with label chocolate. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 13, 2017
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Downward Spiral
HELP!
Help me, please. I am on a downward spiral of eating too much, especially too much bread, jam, honey, and restaurant foods. This past Saturday and Sunday, both days, I found an excuse to be alone, drove to a bakery, bought a large cookie, and ate it sneakily in the car before returning to my quilting buddies (on a retreat).
This, after 452 days of abstinence... no cookies, no candy, no pie, no ice cream, no pastries, and most importantly, no chocolate (which is my absolutely worst addictive substance). Cookies are a road to chocolate.
I am so afraid of getting into my old binging ways, where shame and fear rule me, where my weight skyrockets and I hate myself.
Today and yesterday I was abstinent. Two days. I must remember that 452 days began with one day, and then a second day.
Meetings? Yes, I go to meetings. Steps? Do I work the steps? Well, I have probably spent 30 hours working the steps in the last 6 months. I don't have a sponsor. I do have one. But she is on a year-long road trip. And I never really asked for her help.
One of my many problems, is I don't trust that anybody or anything can help me. See? I'm still having a problem with steps 2 & 3. It all felt clear when I was writing in the 12-Step workbook, but now I'm lost again.
I feel dirty. Eating those two cookies makes me feel dirty. Eating them gave me no comfort and no relief; it only made me feel dirty, sneaky, and stupid.
Usually, when I write here, I try to end on a positive note. At this moment, I can not find a positive note.
Help me, please. I am on a downward spiral of eating too much, especially too much bread, jam, honey, and restaurant foods. This past Saturday and Sunday, both days, I found an excuse to be alone, drove to a bakery, bought a large cookie, and ate it sneakily in the car before returning to my quilting buddies (on a retreat).
This, after 452 days of abstinence... no cookies, no candy, no pie, no ice cream, no pastries, and most importantly, no chocolate (which is my absolutely worst addictive substance). Cookies are a road to chocolate.
I am so afraid of getting into my old binging ways, where shame and fear rule me, where my weight skyrockets and I hate myself.
Today and yesterday I was abstinent. Two days. I must remember that 452 days began with one day, and then a second day.
Meetings? Yes, I go to meetings. Steps? Do I work the steps? Well, I have probably spent 30 hours working the steps in the last 6 months. I don't have a sponsor. I do have one. But she is on a year-long road trip. And I never really asked for her help.
One of my many problems, is I don't trust that anybody or anything can help me. See? I'm still having a problem with steps 2 & 3. It all felt clear when I was writing in the 12-Step workbook, but now I'm lost again.
I feel dirty. Eating those two cookies makes me feel dirty. Eating them gave me no comfort and no relief; it only made me feel dirty, sneaky, and stupid.
Usually, when I write here, I try to end on a positive note. At this moment, I can not find a positive note.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
After Christmas
A friend says, all the stuff to eat on Christmas is like bombs going off...
I think of it as a WWII movie scene, where the whole city is being bombed by pies and cookies and cakes and pastries and more than anything else,
I’m down there scrambling to avoid being hit. Whamo! One lands 2
inches from me. And another! And yet another! There’s no shelter; I’m in one H
of a mess.
Well, today there are fewer bombers overhead. I’m grateful for a little respite in the deluge.These past few weeks, I have not kept to my abstinence program. I have eaten 2 cookies, 1 slice of pumpkin bread, several slices of yulekaga, a bunch of crackers with butter and honey on them. These things are not on my program.
I need to reset the counter. This morning I had a slice of yulekaga. A little of the loaf (given to us by a neighbor) remains. I will probably finish it off later today. I am making a commitment to reset the counter, back to zero, as soon as the yulekaga is gone. Wish I could do it right now and leave the remainder for my husband. Could I do that? Maybe. I feel weak and helpless.... and sad.
It's a sad thing to reset a counter when it has 818 days of abstinence on it. That's 2 1/4 years of not eating one single bite of chocolate, cookies, pie, candy, cake, ice cream, or pastries. Gotta pat myself on the head for that one! Looking at the positive side of the relapse coin, at least I realize I am sliding deeper into relapse mode... eating more, edging up to the abstinence items by eating sweetened yogurt (how is that different than ice cream?) and crackers (the ones that are closest to cookies) and sweet breads (close as I can get to pastries).
There is light and good news in this story. I have not nibbled chocolate in any way. Chocolate, for me, is the most addictive substance of all. So far, I am still abstinent on chocolate. Although many times in the past few weeks, the little devil has sat on my shoulder saying, "It's OK! You've blown your abstinence program, you might as well have me as well. You can go back to abstinence some other day, later, maybe tomorrow. But just for today, you can have me. I come in many new, delightful forms, especially right now. You wouldn't want to miss that, would you?"
So far, the OA group consciousness, correspondence with my OA friends, and the unseen hand of my HP have helped me resist the devil chocolate's insane temptation. For this, my gratitude is huge.
For weeks (months?), I've been avoiding writing here in Words Paint. Why? I think it's because I've been straying more and more from my eating program, not caring how much I ate for each meal, eating/snacking between meals, gaining weight, edging slowly toward the abyss, the dark place where daily binges, self-disgust, self-loathing, and morbid obesity tear me apart. I know, because I've been there... more than once.
In that place, I care for nothing but to consume. In that place the tools of OA, the support of my friends and family, mean nothing to me. And so, as I slip toward that place, I begin to miss meetings, and I stop writing.
Today I am here. Saturday I will go to the meeting. I will reset the counter. On my knees, I thank God that I have not yet tumbled fully into the dark place. I thank God for this day, this Words Paint place of honesty and hope.
I think of it as a WWII movie scene, where the whole city is being bombed by pies and cookies and cakes and pastries and more than anything else,
big,
huge,
decadent,
dark
chocolates.
Sometimes
I
succumb.
Well, today there are fewer bombers overhead. I’m grateful for a little respite in the deluge.These past few weeks, I have not kept to my abstinence program. I have eaten 2 cookies, 1 slice of pumpkin bread, several slices of yulekaga, a bunch of crackers with butter and honey on them. These things are not on my program.
I need to reset the counter. This morning I had a slice of yulekaga. A little of the loaf (given to us by a neighbor) remains. I will probably finish it off later today. I am making a commitment to reset the counter, back to zero, as soon as the yulekaga is gone. Wish I could do it right now and leave the remainder for my husband. Could I do that? Maybe. I feel weak and helpless.... and sad.
It's a sad thing to reset a counter when it has 818 days of abstinence on it. That's 2 1/4 years of not eating one single bite of chocolate, cookies, pie, candy, cake, ice cream, or pastries. Gotta pat myself on the head for that one! Looking at the positive side of the relapse coin, at least I realize I am sliding deeper into relapse mode... eating more, edging up to the abstinence items by eating sweetened yogurt (how is that different than ice cream?) and crackers (the ones that are closest to cookies) and sweet breads (close as I can get to pastries).
There is light and good news in this story. I have not nibbled chocolate in any way. Chocolate, for me, is the most addictive substance of all. So far, I am still abstinent on chocolate. Although many times in the past few weeks, the little devil has sat on my shoulder saying, "It's OK! You've blown your abstinence program, you might as well have me as well. You can go back to abstinence some other day, later, maybe tomorrow. But just for today, you can have me. I come in many new, delightful forms, especially right now. You wouldn't want to miss that, would you?"
So far, the OA group consciousness, correspondence with my OA friends, and the unseen hand of my HP have helped me resist the devil chocolate's insane temptation. For this, my gratitude is huge.
For weeks (months?), I've been avoiding writing here in Words Paint. Why? I think it's because I've been straying more and more from my eating program, not caring how much I ate for each meal, eating/snacking between meals, gaining weight, edging slowly toward the abyss, the dark place where daily binges, self-disgust, self-loathing, and morbid obesity tear me apart. I know, because I've been there... more than once.
In that place, I care for nothing but to consume. In that place the tools of OA, the support of my friends and family, mean nothing to me. And so, as I slip toward that place, I begin to miss meetings, and I stop writing.
Today I am here. Saturday I will go to the meeting. I will reset the counter. On my knees, I thank God that I have not yet tumbled fully into the dark place. I thank God for this day, this Words Paint place of honesty and hope.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Eye Surgery Fears > Chocolate Cravings
In 535 days of chocolate abstinence, especially the past 500 or so of them, I've been relatively free from obsessive thoughts about chocolate. Sometimes I see something, a candy shop window, an ad on TV, or an array of chocolate in a store, which triggers a momentary craving. But, for the most part, I'm blessed in my abstinence program with quick recovery after these stirrings.
Not true right now. A couple of weeks ago, I saw a little display of Lindt chocolate bunnies near the checkout stand at our local grocery store. I'm always drawn to bunnies anyway, and so picked one up to examine it more closely. Immediately I noticed it was not milk chocolate, which I never liked much and only ate in desperation, but dark! I noticed it was weighty, a goodly amount of chocolate. It's totally adorable with it's little, brown, crinkle-ribbon bow, and golden bell.
Adorable as the bunny may be, I could so easily chomp off its ears, devour it's nose, and scarf down all the remains of its plump little body in less than 5 minutes flat. I've been obsessing about Lindt bunnies ever since. Every time I go to the store, I can't take my attention away from them. I wake up thinking about them. After Easter, they will be gone, thank heavens, but until then, it's tough business.
Today, I'm asking why. Why am I obsessing about dark chocolate? Why is chocolate haunting me, calling my name, pleading with me to give up my abstinence, just this one time?
I have to think it's fear. Either that or the fact that my mom died 1 year ago today. She's been on my mind a lot these past few weeks. I am missing her and feeling the loneliness of not having a mom or dad any more. However, chocolate wasn't a problem for me around the time of her death. So why now? I'm back to looking at fear.
Oh ho, a thought just came to me... maybe it's both Mom and fear! In the next two months, I will be having eye surgery in both eyes, cataracts, stage 3. Yes, I've been doing the research and understand it's a common and relatively easy procedure these days. Plus it's almost 100% guaranteed to improve my vision, which has been deteriorating quickly. That's the logical, adult, reasonable way to look at it.
The little kid in me remembers Mom, when she had cataract surgeries many years ago. Mom wasn't one to complain about pain or inconvenience. She endured child births and surgeries without any sign of fear or complaint. But when she told me about her cataract surgery, her description sounded like the worst nightmare you can imagine. She told about the horror of her eye being clamped open, and being able to see the knife coming at her eye. I recall her saying she wanted to die then, and would rather be blind than ever have to go through that again.
Her surgery story has always stuck with me, as my worst daymare. So yep, memories of Mom, extra strong right now on the anniversary of her passing AND my own fears of the surgeries ahead. That's what is under the chocolate cravings. What to do about it? I don't know.
Adorable as the bunny may be, I could so easily chomp off its ears, devour it's nose, and scarf down all the remains of its plump little body in less than 5 minutes flat. I've been obsessing about Lindt bunnies ever since. Every time I go to the store, I can't take my attention away from them. I wake up thinking about them. After Easter, they will be gone, thank heavens, but until then, it's tough business.
Today, I'm asking why. Why am I obsessing about dark chocolate? Why is chocolate haunting me, calling my name, pleading with me to give up my abstinence, just this one time?
I have to think it's fear. Either that or the fact that my mom died 1 year ago today. She's been on my mind a lot these past few weeks. I am missing her and feeling the loneliness of not having a mom or dad any more. However, chocolate wasn't a problem for me around the time of her death. So why now? I'm back to looking at fear.
Oh ho, a thought just came to me... maybe it's both Mom and fear! In the next two months, I will be having eye surgery in both eyes, cataracts, stage 3. Yes, I've been doing the research and understand it's a common and relatively easy procedure these days. Plus it's almost 100% guaranteed to improve my vision, which has been deteriorating quickly. That's the logical, adult, reasonable way to look at it.
The little kid in me remembers Mom, when she had cataract surgeries many years ago. Mom wasn't one to complain about pain or inconvenience. She endured child births and surgeries without any sign of fear or complaint. But when she told me about her cataract surgery, her description sounded like the worst nightmare you can imagine. She told about the horror of her eye being clamped open, and being able to see the knife coming at her eye. I recall her saying she wanted to die then, and would rather be blind than ever have to go through that again.
Her surgery story has always stuck with me, as my worst daymare. So yep, memories of Mom, extra strong right now on the anniversary of her passing AND my own fears of the surgeries ahead. That's what is under the chocolate cravings. What to do about it? I don't know.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
A Gazillion Lies About Food
Still on the subject of telling lies. Thinking about some of the lies I've told about food... to people I don't know, to store clerks, to close friends, to family, to myself. Just for fun, here are a couple of them...
Lie told to a very close woman friend about 2 years ago
On my way to her house to have a pot-luck lunch with a couple of my quilting friends, I stopped at the grocery store to buy a roasted chicken. Cookies there calling me loudly. Like home-made and only $1.00 for three of the lovelies with macadamia nuts and white chocolate. So I bought a dozen. Got in my car with cookies and chicken, opened cookie bag, chowed one down. Ate another while driving. Was almost to friend's house, but wanted to eat a couple more (this was becoming an uncontrollable binge). Parked my car by the side of the road, ducked my head down, and ate cookies, one after another.
Meanwhile, my friend, driving from a work errand in town, passed my car and recognized it. With 6 remaining cookies, I arrived a few minutes later at her house. "What were you doing parked by the side of the road?" she asked. "Wasn't me." I replied. "Looked like your car," she said. "Nope, guess there are a lot of blue Honda Civics, huh." Flat out lie.
Since starting OA, I told her about that lie and apologized. Feel better about it now.
One of many lies I've told my husband about me and food
Because of having a family that has suffered greatly from alcohol abuse, my husband understands about addiction. When we met 14 years ago, long before OA, I knew I was addicted to chocolate. At times I would go abstinent on chocolate and when I met him was one of those times. We shared that we were both abstinent on alcohol and for me, also chocolate. This was a good bond for us.
A couple years later, I slipped on the chocolate. I thought I could have it just one time, at one special occasion, which of course set me off rolling down the slope of more and more chocolate, more and more binging. But I didn't tell my husband. First lie... lie of omission.
In order to maintain that lie, I had to sneak my chocolate. I had to tell many lies to hide my daily chocolate fixes. One time we were waiting for the ferry and I HAD to have a fix. Standing at the vendor, paying for a bag of M & Ms, my husband walked in, surprising me and catching me in the act. "I'm buying these for you! And they were supposed to be a surprise," I said, covering for my irritated attitude at being caught.
It's a fact...
I have a history of telling a lot of lies concerning my behavior around food, little lies and big whoppers. It makes me feel creepy when I do it; and it makes me feel creepy now to admit it, to write about it, to remember some of them.
I prefer to think of myself as a fundamentally honest person. Honesty is something our parents and teachers encouraged. Honesty is something I admire in others.
So, what's under the lies? What do they have in common? Mostly, I think, I lie to conceal behaviors for which I feel shame. I have a great deal of shame around not being normal about food, about not being able to control what and how much I eat, and around my weight, about my size and shape and at times obesity.
Shame is under the lies. What is under shame? Is it fear? I think so. Fear of not being loveable, fear of death, fear of loneliness, fear of being wrong, fear of ultimate failure as a human being.
Today, I accept the fear. It is real and it is part of me. I accept.
********
Gratitude: shooting stars just starting to bloom, quilting friends, OA
Lie told to a very close woman friend about 2 years ago
On my way to her house to have a pot-luck lunch with a couple of my quilting friends, I stopped at the grocery store to buy a roasted chicken. Cookies there calling me loudly. Like home-made and only $1.00 for three of the lovelies with macadamia nuts and white chocolate. So I bought a dozen. Got in my car with cookies and chicken, opened cookie bag, chowed one down. Ate another while driving. Was almost to friend's house, but wanted to eat a couple more (this was becoming an uncontrollable binge). Parked my car by the side of the road, ducked my head down, and ate cookies, one after another.
Meanwhile, my friend, driving from a work errand in town, passed my car and recognized it. With 6 remaining cookies, I arrived a few minutes later at her house. "What were you doing parked by the side of the road?" she asked. "Wasn't me." I replied. "Looked like your car," she said. "Nope, guess there are a lot of blue Honda Civics, huh." Flat out lie.
Since starting OA, I told her about that lie and apologized. Feel better about it now.
One of many lies I've told my husband about me and food
Because of having a family that has suffered greatly from alcohol abuse, my husband understands about addiction. When we met 14 years ago, long before OA, I knew I was addicted to chocolate. At times I would go abstinent on chocolate and when I met him was one of those times. We shared that we were both abstinent on alcohol and for me, also chocolate. This was a good bond for us.
A couple years later, I slipped on the chocolate. I thought I could have it just one time, at one special occasion, which of course set me off rolling down the slope of more and more chocolate, more and more binging. But I didn't tell my husband. First lie... lie of omission.
In order to maintain that lie, I had to sneak my chocolate. I had to tell many lies to hide my daily chocolate fixes. One time we were waiting for the ferry and I HAD to have a fix. Standing at the vendor, paying for a bag of M & Ms, my husband walked in, surprising me and catching me in the act. "I'm buying these for you! And they were supposed to be a surprise," I said, covering for my irritated attitude at being caught.
It's a fact...
I have a history of telling a lot of lies concerning my behavior around food, little lies and big whoppers. It makes me feel creepy when I do it; and it makes me feel creepy now to admit it, to write about it, to remember some of them.
I prefer to think of myself as a fundamentally honest person. Honesty is something our parents and teachers encouraged. Honesty is something I admire in others.
So, what's under the lies? What do they have in common? Mostly, I think, I lie to conceal behaviors for which I feel shame. I have a great deal of shame around not being normal about food, about not being able to control what and how much I eat, and around my weight, about my size and shape and at times obesity.
Shame is under the lies. What is under shame? Is it fear? I think so. Fear of not being loveable, fear of death, fear of loneliness, fear of being wrong, fear of ultimate failure as a human being.
Today, I accept the fear. It is real and it is part of me. I accept.
********
Gratitude: shooting stars just starting to bloom, quilting friends, OA
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Happy New Year - Take 2
Oh dear, now I'm on backtrack mode about the happy new year thing from my previous post. It seems my husband and other readers took it that I don't like to say or hear "Happy new year," like the Grinch who stole goodness away from the whole year and slapped hands for even thinking about pleasure and happiness. Erg! My fault; I wasn't very clear.
Actually, I don't mind saying or hearing that friendly, well-wishing greeting at all. In fact, I say it a lot, like when I answer the phone or shopping at the store, buying a coffee, on blogs. And I mean it. For everyone (myself included) I wish for good times ahead, a year where love, peace, joy, good health, and happy times flow amply. Positive thinking is a good thing and greetings like this are likely to contribute to more happiness in the world through psychology's concept of self-fulfilling prophecy or the ripple effect.
So when I wrote: I've been slightly bothered by the phrase "Happy new year," I didn't mean bothered as in irritated or annoyed, rather more in the sense of perplexed. Saying and hearing it so often at this time of year makes me think about happiness in general and the pursuit of it.
This seems to be a good opportunity to look at my own need to be happy and what I do to get there. Ten things I did in pursuit of happiness in the past (and with a few exceptions in the present as well):
what's under my behaviours
avoidance
avoidance of
loneliness, boredom, grief, despair
and what's under my avoidance
maybe a sense of entitlement
a sense that I deserve to be happy
and what's under my sense of entitlement
maybe it's ego, a strength of will
seeking control
shall I look at
avoidance, entitlement and control
from a different perspective
shall I say instead
a whole me
notices what is
and accepts lack of control
what if I let myself feel despair
stop trying to push it away
invite it into my heart
allow it to be a part of me
and despair is just one
shame, anger, loneliness, sadness and fear
are her sisters
I push them all away
maybe in small part
because of some intrinsic belief
that I need always to be happy
maybe if I don't run
from anti-happiness
maybe then
happy will be all the brighter
when it's with me
Actually, I don't mind saying or hearing that friendly, well-wishing greeting at all. In fact, I say it a lot, like when I answer the phone or shopping at the store, buying a coffee, on blogs. And I mean it. For everyone (myself included) I wish for good times ahead, a year where love, peace, joy, good health, and happy times flow amply. Positive thinking is a good thing and greetings like this are likely to contribute to more happiness in the world through psychology's concept of self-fulfilling prophecy or the ripple effect.
So when I wrote: I've been slightly bothered by the phrase "Happy new year," I didn't mean bothered as in irritated or annoyed, rather more in the sense of perplexed. Saying and hearing it so often at this time of year makes me think about happiness in general and the pursuit of it.
This seems to be a good opportunity to look at my own need to be happy and what I do to get there. Ten things I did in pursuit of happiness in the past (and with a few exceptions in the present as well):
- Eat sweets, especially chocolate.
- Shop for shoes or clothes.
- Call a friend.
- Buy art supplies.
- Write morning pages.
- Cook a special, fancy dinner; maybe invite friends.
- Go out for breakfast, lunch or dinner with my husband or a friend.
- Call my parents or sibling.
- Bake cookies, cake, sweet bread, etc.
- Play card games on my computer.
what's under my behaviours
avoidance
avoidance of
loneliness, boredom, grief, despair
and what's under my avoidance
maybe a sense of entitlement
a sense that I deserve to be happy
and what's under my sense of entitlement
maybe it's ego, a strength of will
seeking control
shall I look at
avoidance, entitlement and control
from a different perspective
shall I say instead
a whole me
notices what is
and accepts lack of control
what if I let myself feel despair
stop trying to push it away
invite it into my heart
allow it to be a part of me
and despair is just one
shame, anger, loneliness, sadness and fear
are her sisters
I push them all away
maybe in small part
because of some intrinsic belief
that I need always to be happy
maybe if I don't run
from anti-happiness
maybe then
happy will be all the brighter
when it's with me
Friday, September 17, 2010
Me and Chocolate
I've known about my addictive relationship to chocolate for a long time. Here's the story of when I realized and admitted it for the first time.
Then I decided I would have chocolate only one time a year... on my birthday. Didn't work... One time became the first of many times and the fixes ruled me once again. Quit again. Fell off the wagon one more time, binged repeatedly, lied, hid the stuff, sneaked around eating it in my car.
Always during periods of chocolate abstinence, I continued to crave it... big time! I thought about it every day. I spent hours in the grocery store looking for chocolate substitutes. I tried every type of lemon dessert there is... cookies, ice cream, cake, pie, cheesecake and tarts. I tried peanut-butter cookies and raspberry bars. I tried butter pecan ice cream and apple fritters. You name it. I tried it. Always I wanted and craved chocolate... tried to find a substitute... something else to give me that same buzz.
I never found it. And I never binged as badly on the substitutes, rarely had to get two fixes a day like with chocolate. But I did binge some. My craving for chocolate was incessant and nagging.
On April 3rd, 2010, I finished reading Holy Hunger by Margaret Bullitt-Jonas and realized fully and without a doubt that I am a compulsive overeater and that I can not control my eating and binging by myself. On April 7th, 2010, I attended my first meeting of Overeaters Anonymous and sensed I had finally found help.
I've been on a sensible food plan and abstinent (with one slip) from all chocolate, cookies, cake, pie, cheesecake, ice cream, candy and pastries ever since then. My body is slowly changing... when I started I wore a snug size 18 jeans. Now I'm wearing size 12. My mind is changing a lot. I don't feel crazy anymore. I'm learning to feel my feelings. I'm starting to work the 12-step program and feeling positive about the progress I'm making.
One of the most interesting things in my OA experience so far is about chocolate. Since being abstinent about chocolate AND other binge foods, I no longer crave chocolate or even think about it much. If very good quality chocolate is right in front of me, I might find myself thinking it smells really good. But then I move away from it both physically and mentally. I'm not looking for a substitute. It's hold on me is finally breaking. One day at a time, I am becoming a sober person!
It is spring of 1996. I'm in the habit of getting two chocolate fixes a day. I don't keep it in the house, because actually that's impossible. Whatever I have, I immediately eat. So I go out to get my fixes. I run a bead shop in my studio, open by appointment. Today I have a morning customer and one in the afternoon. Between them, I plan to go buy myself a treat (always it's chocolate, although I use the word treat rather than naming it).Well, that lasted for about 3 years. Then I started sneaking chocolate once in a while when I was in town. Once in a while soon became a daily fix. Then twice a day. WAKE UP! OK, back to abstinence for a few more years.
Morning customer comes late and stays late. Afternoon customer comes early. They overlap. No treat. I am fidgeting and irritable. I want Ms. Afternoon to leave. I don't care how many beads she'd like to buy; I want her gone. I'm short with her, nearly rude. Finally she goes.
I race to my car and am driving away mere seconds after she leaves. I drive to the closest grocery store. I rush to the bakery/deli to see what they have. OK... triple-layer, double-chocolate cake! I tell the clerk I need a big piece because two of us are splitting it. She puts it in a to-go box. I grab a fork and a napkin and bee-line to my car. In my car, I slink down and eat the whole piece of cake. Two minutes and it's gone. I've gobbled it.
I realize I didn't taste it after the first bite. I feel remorse. Remorse for being rude to my customers. Remorse for telling a lie to the clerk about splitting the piece of cake. Remorse for hiding in my car. Remorse for continuing to abuse my body.
It dawns on me, sitting dejected in my car, that I am a chocolate addict, exhibiting all of the behaviors of an alcoholic only about chocolate rather than alcohol. In that moment, I realize chocolate had a grip on me that makes me feel crazy and that I can not control my intake. I decide on a course of abstinence.
Then I decided I would have chocolate only one time a year... on my birthday. Didn't work... One time became the first of many times and the fixes ruled me once again. Quit again. Fell off the wagon one more time, binged repeatedly, lied, hid the stuff, sneaked around eating it in my car.
Always during periods of chocolate abstinence, I continued to crave it... big time! I thought about it every day. I spent hours in the grocery store looking for chocolate substitutes. I tried every type of lemon dessert there is... cookies, ice cream, cake, pie, cheesecake and tarts. I tried peanut-butter cookies and raspberry bars. I tried butter pecan ice cream and apple fritters. You name it. I tried it. Always I wanted and craved chocolate... tried to find a substitute... something else to give me that same buzz.
I never found it. And I never binged as badly on the substitutes, rarely had to get two fixes a day like with chocolate. But I did binge some. My craving for chocolate was incessant and nagging.
On April 3rd, 2010, I finished reading Holy Hunger by Margaret Bullitt-Jonas and realized fully and without a doubt that I am a compulsive overeater and that I can not control my eating and binging by myself. On April 7th, 2010, I attended my first meeting of Overeaters Anonymous and sensed I had finally found help.
I've been on a sensible food plan and abstinent (with one slip) from all chocolate, cookies, cake, pie, cheesecake, ice cream, candy and pastries ever since then. My body is slowly changing... when I started I wore a snug size 18 jeans. Now I'm wearing size 12. My mind is changing a lot. I don't feel crazy anymore. I'm learning to feel my feelings. I'm starting to work the 12-step program and feeling positive about the progress I'm making.
One of the most interesting things in my OA experience so far is about chocolate. Since being abstinent about chocolate AND other binge foods, I no longer crave chocolate or even think about it much. If very good quality chocolate is right in front of me, I might find myself thinking it smells really good. But then I move away from it both physically and mentally. I'm not looking for a substitute. It's hold on me is finally breaking. One day at a time, I am becoming a sober person!
Abstinence
As I write this, 75 days of abstinence on my binge food list are behind me. That's 75 days since I re-started the clock after having an ice cream cone.
These are thefoods things I don't eat anymore:
Today at the grocery store there was a tray with various types of cookies for customers to eat... not even cut-up samples, these were full-sized cookies. In the past, I would have made a bee-line to that tray and grabbed a couple immediately. Now, these weren't delicious cookies, by any means. They were the cheap, buy-by-the-pound kind. No matter, I'd have slunk by that tray with my hand out at least two more times while in the store and again on the way out.
Isn't that weird? To eat cookies, and so many of them, that don't even taste very good. Why? Because I am an addict. Because I have an illness. I don't want to accept this fact about myself. But it is the truth. In OA, the teaching is that compulsive overeating and binging are symptoms of a progressive illness. Yes, in my case, it has been progressive. In my college years I was more discriminating about what I ate and didn't binge as frequently. Yet, even then, I would bake a batch of cookies and eat them all in two days.
Today at the grocery store, I was almost repulsed by the tray of cookies. I did not want them at all... was not tempted in the least.
That's the beauty of abstinence. It works. The longer I am abstinent, the less I want any of the things on my list.
We have a super fabulous bakery in our little town. I don't go there very often any more. But we're having house guests for 5 days and I wanted to buy some good bread for breakfast toast. This bakery does three things exceedingly well: bread, pizza and pastries. Before abstinence, I used to buy bread there regularly and always had a treat as well... a tart, a mini-cheesecake, a cookie or a pecan cinnamon roll. Today, I barely glanced at the pastry case. Only one thing called... chocolate brownies... but only softly and only for a moment. I quit looking at them and the faint urge departed completely.
Yay! This is what I call sanity. Abstinence works for me and it's not very difficult. What is still difficult is portion control on the foods I do eat. But that will be the subject of another post.
These are the
chocolate
cake
cookies
pastries
cheesecake
pie
candy
ice cream
Today at the grocery store there was a tray with various types of cookies for customers to eat... not even cut-up samples, these were full-sized cookies. In the past, I would have made a bee-line to that tray and grabbed a couple immediately. Now, these weren't delicious cookies, by any means. They were the cheap, buy-by-the-pound kind. No matter, I'd have slunk by that tray with my hand out at least two more times while in the store and again on the way out.
Isn't that weird? To eat cookies, and so many of them, that don't even taste very good. Why? Because I am an addict. Because I have an illness. I don't want to accept this fact about myself. But it is the truth. In OA, the teaching is that compulsive overeating and binging are symptoms of a progressive illness. Yes, in my case, it has been progressive. In my college years I was more discriminating about what I ate and didn't binge as frequently. Yet, even then, I would bake a batch of cookies and eat them all in two days.
Today at the grocery store, I was almost repulsed by the tray of cookies. I did not want them at all... was not tempted in the least.
That's the beauty of abstinence. It works. The longer I am abstinent, the less I want any of the things on my list.
We have a super fabulous bakery in our little town. I don't go there very often any more. But we're having house guests for 5 days and I wanted to buy some good bread for breakfast toast. This bakery does three things exceedingly well: bread, pizza and pastries. Before abstinence, I used to buy bread there regularly and always had a treat as well... a tart, a mini-cheesecake, a cookie or a pecan cinnamon roll. Today, I barely glanced at the pastry case. Only one thing called... chocolate brownies... but only softly and only for a moment. I quit looking at them and the faint urge departed completely.
Yay! This is what I call sanity. Abstinence works for me and it's not very difficult. What is still difficult is portion control on the foods I do eat. But that will be the subject of another post.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
What's In My Pocket????
Walking around, waiting to depart town for my workshop last Wednesday (see previous post), I happened to meet a member of my local OA group. We stopped to chat and I remarked that I was worried about my OA abstinence and food program in the days ahead.
What serendipity! He gave me a remarkable suggestion, saying that in situations like that he likes to carry a talisman in his pocket... something he can touch and hold to remind and help him with sobriety. Ah-ha! Instantly I knew that would work for me too.
With yet another half hour before my ferry departed, I went to a little souvenir shop by the ferry dock to see what talisman-angel I could find. My hands touched rocks, shells, a little glass ladybug and a ceramic frog. None of these things seemed to have any positive energy for me. Finally, I spied a basket of carved stones (probably from China) on the bottom shelf in the back of the store. My hand immediately went to a reddish stone with a primitive carving of a shore bird. My bird. My workshop helper-talisman!
It totally worked! I made commitments to my husband, readers, another person in the workshop and myself that I would stick with my program. But the talisman in my pocket is the most important reason I was able to do it. When the going got rough, I put my hand in my pocket and fondled my little bird rock. It comforted me and enabled me to resist the many temptations... the chocolate cookies passed around, the bowl of red licorice, the spread of deserts at lunch time and the urge to snack at night in my room. Yay!
What serendipity! He gave me a remarkable suggestion, saying that in situations like that he likes to carry a talisman in his pocket... something he can touch and hold to remind and help him with sobriety. Ah-ha! Instantly I knew that would work for me too.
With yet another half hour before my ferry departed, I went to a little souvenir shop by the ferry dock to see what talisman-angel I could find. My hands touched rocks, shells, a little glass ladybug and a ceramic frog. None of these things seemed to have any positive energy for me. Finally, I spied a basket of carved stones (probably from China) on the bottom shelf in the back of the store. My hand immediately went to a reddish stone with a primitive carving of a shore bird. My bird. My workshop helper-talisman!
It totally worked! I made commitments to my husband, readers, another person in the workshop and myself that I would stick with my program. But the talisman in my pocket is the most important reason I was able to do it. When the going got rough, I put my hand in my pocket and fondled my little bird rock. It comforted me and enabled me to resist the many temptations... the chocolate cookies passed around, the bowl of red licorice, the spread of deserts at lunch time and the urge to snack at night in my room. Yay!
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Little Temptations
Today the deli department of our grocery store offered platters laden with samples of three different kinds of cookies!
Forty-six days ago I would have had one or two samples of each type on my way into the store (rear entrance from the parking lot). Then, I would have done some of my shopping and wandered by the deli again for seconds. If they were especially good cookies, I might have returned again for thirds. After paying for my groceries (at the front of the store), I would have swung past the deli again for a final handful of cookie samples on my way out of Dodge.
Did the deli clerks recognize me each time? Did they make judgments about me? I always wondered about that... But it didn't stop me.
In fact, the beginning of the end of my recent Weight Watchers victory began with eating those tasty little temptations. Late last fall, our newly-remodeled grocery store was being very generous with samples. Every day the bakery and deli featured at three or more sample platters. Nearly every day I'd find some excuse to hit the platters.
I'm just having a few little bites. It won't matter. I'll eat a little less at dinner. I don't know how to count the points, so I'll just ignore them. Chocolate too... there were samples of chocolate decadence cake, chocolate chip cookies, chocolate biscotti...
I'd been chocolate-abstinent for two years, but eating little chocolate samples was all it took to start bingeing on it again. Eating little everything samples was all it took to start buying bakery treats, eating deserts at restaurants and a return to the whole crazy, food-dependent, weight-gaining way of life again.
Today, thank the universe, I walked right by the platters. Yes, I noticed them. Yes, the samples looked as tasty as always. Yes, there was a moment of temptation when the voice in my head said, Shall we? Just one?
Something is much different now. No tricky point or calorie-count manipulations. No arguing with the voice in my head. No exceptions. There is comfort in abstinence. I feel joy and satisfaction knowing that, one day at a time, I do not eat food samples in the grocery store.
Forty-six days ago I would have had one or two samples of each type on my way into the store (rear entrance from the parking lot). Then, I would have done some of my shopping and wandered by the deli again for seconds. If they were especially good cookies, I might have returned again for thirds. After paying for my groceries (at the front of the store), I would have swung past the deli again for a final handful of cookie samples on my way out of Dodge.
Did the deli clerks recognize me each time? Did they make judgments about me? I always wondered about that... But it didn't stop me.
In fact, the beginning of the end of my recent Weight Watchers victory began with eating those tasty little temptations. Late last fall, our newly-remodeled grocery store was being very generous with samples. Every day the bakery and deli featured at three or more sample platters. Nearly every day I'd find some excuse to hit the platters.
I'm just having a few little bites. It won't matter. I'll eat a little less at dinner. I don't know how to count the points, so I'll just ignore them. Chocolate too... there were samples of chocolate decadence cake, chocolate chip cookies, chocolate biscotti...
I'd been chocolate-abstinent for two years, but eating little chocolate samples was all it took to start bingeing on it again. Eating little everything samples was all it took to start buying bakery treats, eating deserts at restaurants and a return to the whole crazy, food-dependent, weight-gaining way of life again.
Today, thank the universe, I walked right by the platters. Yes, I noticed them. Yes, the samples looked as tasty as always. Yes, there was a moment of temptation when the voice in my head said, Shall we? Just one?
Something is much different now. No tricky point or calorie-count manipulations. No arguing with the voice in my head. No exceptions. There is comfort in abstinence. I feel joy and satisfaction knowing that, one day at a time, I do not eat food samples in the grocery store.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
If I'm Honest...
...I have to admit it's been a tough few days on several fronts. People I love, family and close friends, are leaning on me, claiming my energy. People who follow my other blogs, students from my past, complete strangers to me are calling me on the phone and writing emails, wanting assistance or just to be heard. 10 things I'm feeling:
Thinking about life's ups and downs, about problems and losses we all face, about how we cope, about my binge foods and how they really wouldn't help me get through this week any more easily. Voice of reason speaking, but that didn't seem to stop me from dwelling on certain treats I would have allowed myself in the past.
Feeling sorry for myself; feeling burdened; feeling heavy and sad... all excuses to consume many treats in the past. Giving myself rewards because I carry on, treats as compensation for doing things that seem difficult. Now what do I do? Now how can I reward myself?
That's actually a good question. 10 things I might possibly substitute for food/treat rewards:
So, I'm asking anybody who's reading this... what rewards do you give yourself that aren't in any way about food?
- drained
- tired
- like eating vast amounts of chocolate cake might help
- angry
- afraid (have I let any of them down?)
- resentful
- thankful
- exhausted
- humbled
- sad, very sad
Thinking about life's ups and downs, about problems and losses we all face, about how we cope, about my binge foods and how they really wouldn't help me get through this week any more easily. Voice of reason speaking, but that didn't seem to stop me from dwelling on certain treats I would have allowed myself in the past.
Feeling sorry for myself; feeling burdened; feeling heavy and sad... all excuses to consume many treats in the past. Giving myself rewards because I carry on, treats as compensation for doing things that seem difficult. Now what do I do? Now how can I reward myself?
That's actually a good question. 10 things I might possibly substitute for food/treat rewards:
- maybe rather than need rewards, I need to identify and set better boundaries?
- an hour of quiet to do whatever I want
- take a walk at a favorite place
- an early haircut, before I start looking shaggy
- 15 minutes in the rocker with the cat on my lap
- repeat the serenity prayer
- give myself time to paint
- write morning pages
- ask my husband for a big hug
- ??????
So, I'm asking anybody who's reading this... what rewards do you give yourself that aren't in any way about food?
Friday, May 14, 2010
Progress Report #4 and Chocolate
Quick progress report and then we'll talk about the dreaded C word...So I did great on all three of my goals today... An hour + of art and silence and about an hour to clean up a long-time-bug-me mess in the kitchen... the tray where we stash all the odds and ends. It's no longer overflowing and gritty on the bottom... ready now to begin that cycle again!
These three CAN do goals really worked well for me this week. They got me off the pity pot, out of the obsessive-about-sugar mode and into a period of feeling good about myself and life in general. I only committed to 5 days of it... I'm thinking about extending. Maybe I'll take a couple of days off and then try for another 5. (Lord knows there's still plenty of irritating stacks and drawers and closets I could tackle and doing art always gives me peace, quiet and satisfaction.)
Moving on... Chocolate.
I am a chocolate addict. Many people laugh when I say that. "Ha-ha," they say, "I know what you mean... me too."
Yeah, but do you need a fix two to four times EVERY day? Do you hide it? Do you scarf it down in your car? Do you lie about it? Do you get crabby, angry and irrational when someone/something gets in the way of your fix? Do you stuff it in, failing to notice the taste after the first bite or two? Do you eat a whole box/bag of it at one time? Do you get one fix in one place and then drive to another place for a second fix? Are you unable to have it anywhere near you without eating it instantly... all of it? Do you get it in your mind and then drop everything else to obtain it?
If so, then yes, you do know what I mean.
The first time I remember applying the word "addict" to my chocolate habit in a serious way was about 25 years ago. I had been visiting a friend who was having boy friend problems. I listened to her all evening, but didn't tell her how lonely I was and how long it had been since I had a boy friend. When I left her home, I drove straight to a Baskin 'n' Robbins for a triple scoop chocolate-chocolate mousse ice cream cone. While eating it in my car, I drove from there across town to my own neighborhood. Finishing my cone at about the right time, I arrived at a second B 'n' R, where I bought and ate a two-scoop cone of the same flavour. On the way home, I thought, "Geeezst, I'm a chocolate addict."
By the next morning, I was laughing at myself for using the term "addict"... I told myself, that only druggies, alcoholics and obsessive gamblers are "addicts"... not to worry!
Ha! Shortly after that, one of my all-time-highs on the scale, I joined Weight Watchers for the first time. It was "successful" for me. I lost 85 pounds to reach goal weight! And every day, every single day, I ate two double packages of Weight Watchers chocolate mousse or chocolate brownies. Gave up other goodies and counted the points. But the chocolate stayed with me.
On the other side of goal weight, I replaced the WW products with richer, tastier chocolate... and more of it. Of course the weight came back!
Then 15 years ago, I was self employed. I had two clients scheduled... one in the morning and one in the afternoon. I planned to drive somewhere to get a chocolate fix in between the two. Morning client came and stayed late; afternoon client came early. Yup, they overlapped and Ms. Chocoholic didn't get any time for a fix. Ooooh, I got so crabby and rude to my poor afternoon client... I wanted her to get OUT!
The very second she departed, I rushed out, got in my car and was driving away before she got to her car. Seriously, I did! I decided on the way to the supermarket that I'd check the deli for their double chocolate cake. Voila! I told the clerk I needed a big piece because three of us were going to split one piece. When she wasn't looking, I grabbed a plastic fork, then paid for the cake right there and headed to my favorite eating place... my car. Bending down, hoping other shoppers wouldn't notice me, I quickly gobbled down the cake.
When finally I surfaced for air, a terrible sense of guilt began to overwhelm me. I had been rude to my client, lied to the clerk and devoured a huge piece of cake without even tasting it. AND, I wanted to drive to a different store to get something else. Once again, out of desperation and shame, the word "addict" popped into my mind.
The next day I talked with a friend who is an AA member, describing my actions and thoughts of the previous day. "You are an addict, no question about it," she said. It began to dawn on me that the only solution, the only way to find some sanity around chocolate, was to abstain completely. So about a week later I began my first period of abstinence.
Three time since then, I have fallen off my vow of abstinence and quickly returned to my previous behaviours. The first of those times, I told myself, "Oh I can have chocolate only on my birthday each year." Yeah, right. Birthday, and the day after, the day after that, and quickly back to bingeing. The second time, it was, "Oh, I'll just eat chocolate this one time while we are on vacation." Same disastrous results. The third time, I was depressed and simply didn't care what happened. Each of these "once only" chocolate treats lead to a period of several months where I ate huge amounts of chocolate on a daily basis, lied about it, hid my behaviour and lost my feelings of self-respect.
So now I'm abstinent and fully aware that chocolate has power over me that's stronger than my will power. What about other sweets... cakes, cookies, cheese cake... as long as they're not chocolate? Well, perhaps some day I can eat them again. I don't know. I think they lead me down the slippery road to bingeing, not as bad as chocolate, but bad enough to be VERY wary and abstinent for a long time.... one day at a time.
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