Monday, October 3, 2011

Calling on the Serenity Prayer for Help

Horrible time with my husband last evening. I understand that he is feeling abandoned by me as I work so many hours on the book. It comes out as resentment and blame. It involves not only the book but also my family coming here next week, my attention already focused on them and what I can do to make it a good time for them. As the resentment bubble builds, it gets directed at me as anger and blame.

Let me be clear. I am not an angel. I am not blameless. I do enjoy (most of the time) working on the book. I do get engrossed in it to the point of ignoring him. I do emotionally distance him, put him on the back burner, when my attentions are directed toward my family. Maybe I do put them first. Maybe I do care more about doing what I can to make them happy than I do about making my husband happy, at least when they are here. Maybe that is harder on him than I realize or admit.

Calling on the serenity prayer for help: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
  1. I can not change that I signed a contract and made a commitment to honor book deadlines.
  2. I can not change my husband's emotions or fix his black hole.
  3. I can not reverse the plans for my family to come here.
  4. I can not make my husband be helpful and supportive toward me in the way I need or want.
the courage to change the things I can,
  1. I can open my heart toward my husband's underlying abandonment issues with compassion and understanding.
  2. I can change my expectations of both myself and him and not expect myself to meet all of his needs or him to meet mine.
  3. I can work on my own anger, blame and resentments.
  4. I can honor and protect the fearful spirit within me, nurturing myself with understanding and compassion.
  5. I change how much I expect myself to solve (control) these issues, and turn it all over, instead, to my higher power.
and the wisdom to know the difference.
  1. Yes, the wisdom to know the difference. That's a tricky one. Obviously from the above, I think I know the difference. But do I? I am filled with doubts at the moment.
I am also filled with gratitude... gratitude for OA, the people in my OA group (the group "conscious" as one member calls it), for Julie, Loretta, PJ, Anne H, Sweetpea, Coral-Seas, DB, Robbie, Dees, Karen, Carol, Lois, and Peggy - who read these ramblings and give their time to write supportive and caring comments - and for my walking partner. Without them, I am well aware that I'd be binging like crazy, gaining several pounds a week, dealing with these hardships by driving to town a couple of times a day to buy cake, cookies, ice cream and the like, hiding in my car and eating without pleasure, the binge voices ever hollering at me for more. What a blessing to be writing around the serenity prayer instead! Now there's a gratitude thing!


  1. And I am filled with gratitude for you!
    Got nothing but respect for you!

    Sometimes I think we need to ask,
    and trust and wait for an answer...
    maybe it comes to us in
    Quiet time... Maybe it's Devine...
    Maybe it's just our own Mind answering
    when we can finally learn to listen...
    I don't know.
    If you are filled with doubt -
    it must be self-doubt...
    Cuz I think you have that Trust thing down!
    Maybe it's not doubt as much as it is a general inability to control the future!


  2. Ahhhhhhhhh.. the serenity prayer and the wisdom...

    Sometimes, for me, the wisdom lies in just paying attention to all the things I do for others and not allowing guilt to overrun my NEED for me time....

    And the journey moves on!

  3. What you have done to center your attention and worries around the serenity prayer is very inspiring and wise. You know the difference, you have understood it and looked at it. That's what I read in your 'words painting'. It's hard to deal with all that is coming at you, but I believe in you! Love yourself as you love your friends and family. You are worth it.

  4. The wisdom is the way you work through the serentiy prayer to understand your issues. I can't help but think that carving out a little time would solve some of the hurt.

  5. Sounds like you have Huge Events right now in your life. I hope your family gathering goes well and you all find peace and (maybe) a little joy in this final "farewell" to your mother. Your strength and ability to take a deep breath and find some spiritual serenity is very inspiring to me. I will tend to be in my emotions, and that doesn't always work out so well.

    Having read your previous books (which I often refer to), I'm sure this one will be everything you want it to be, in spite of the photographic slow going. I'm so looking forward to it!

  6. No need to respond with a post, I know that you are very busy with the book and your family visit. I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you and sending good vibes out to you.

    And I am very happy to see that your counter has not been reset :-D

    Best wished, I hope everything is going well.


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