The OA topic was "suffering"... how suffering is a habit, how suffering is something we get really good at doing.
Suddenly the previous week flowed through my mind. Suffering was the flagship of the entire week, especially how I suffered (and was bored, tired, driven to binge on chips, sleepless, etc.) working on photographs for the book. When anybody asked me about the book, all I could say is how hard I work, how many long hours I struggle at the computer working in Photoshop, how little money I'm earning doing this book, how I have to sacrifice things I love to do (like read and write blogs). Poor me, I suffer so greatly.
Sitting in the meeting, my mind reached into a little lie I told my husband in the name of suffering. I told him I'd spent 4 hours working on just 1 picture in Photoshop and that I had 7 more pictures to go. Poor me. Poor me. Here's the truth, as far as I can recall: I had actually finished 3 pictures in 4 hours and played a couple of games of Spider solitaire as well. I only had 4 more pictures to go. Why lie? Upping the pity-pot quotient, I guess. Habit. Suffering. I'm good at it. I've been good at it, practicing it daily, for as long as I can remember.
No more. Baby steps toward choosing not to suffer, choosing to tell the truth, choosing to speak about the positive rather than the negative. Not that things aren't hard sometimes. So this week, when people have asked me about the book, I've told the truth, especially I've named the things that are working well.
Want to know the truth? I'm ahead of schedule for my 2nd submission. Recently I read through everything that's finished and honestly find it to be pretty amazing! It could actually become a timless classic, THE reference and inspiration book about beads and beading! That's my new truth, and I'm stickin' to it!
I'm also watching and listening to everything that comes out of my mouth... I try to notice any little exaggeration and to correct myself right on the spot.... with an apologetic... oops, I kinda overstated that.
This is a good change.... a relief to speak the truth... a relief to hear myself name the good things rather than the difficult things, to let go of suffering. And, I'm not Pollyanna. To put it in sportsman terms, I'll say I caught a fish (suffering), but the size of the fish will be realistic rather than drastically exaggerated. This is a very good change!
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And another good change... In my suffering state about the book, I started to eat a lot of chips... Chips every day and lots of them, stuffing in mouthful after mouthful... standing in the kitchen mindlessly munching on chips. Am I exaggerating? Hmmm... Well, maybe a little. But yes, I did eat a lot of chips.
From time to time, a little OA voice would tug on my sleeve and murmur, "you're binging." I ignored it until the day I decided to stop suffering. At that same time, the warning about binging struck me as truth. Abstinence is the OA answer to binging. And abstinent I have been since that day. No more chips. Yay! I'm feeling better about everything. Binging makes me feel crazy. I knew I was close to the brink of no return about eating. I've known it for several months. But now, it's OK again. Whew!
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Gratitude for the day: OA for sure, opportunities, rain, Robert, my family, Liz, Hollie, Lunnette, Christy, Christi, Mom memories.
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This is such a heartfelt post, with honesty and transparency. Yes... that old "poor me" bugaboo. I struggle to keep that at bay!
ReplyDeleteWonderful insights, and yay for conquering the Chip monster. ;-)
It's good to read that the book is going well.
Letting go of suffering... I had not thought of it that way. I appreciate you sharing this, I'm going to think on it.
Quite a confession/realization of self.
ReplyDeleteI found this post really interesting. I see a lot of my daughter in this post. I'll wait for the opportunity to talk to her about OA.
It's pretty brave of you to share your thoughts in this media. I am sure there are readers that are encouraged and inspired by their visits.
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It is lovely to hear from you and great to learn that the book is going so well. Congratulations on your break-through with the suffering and on conquering the chip monster. I see that your counter says 405 days now. Congratulations on that also.
ReplyDeleteI think we all exaggerate about how hard we are working, how difficult it all is, etc. I feel sometimes that if it doesn't seem to others I'm really working extra, extra hard, I can't justify my existence. Plus... bonus points for the suffer category! Poor me... Also, I have to confess that if it seems as though I'm working on something immense and problematical, people will tend to leave me alone. I learn a lot from your posts, Peacfulbird, and I believe I will see what happens if I follow your more honest example.
ReplyDeleteSo glad to see you blogging, Robin. I was worried that a stack of photos had fallen over and pinned you under your desk or something... Another great post, another spot-on topic. I recently did a meditation in which I asked my body why I was always hurting, why I didn't heal quickly and well. The answer: if you are 100% well, people will expect more of you and you're already giving more than you have.
ReplyDeleteI haven't been eating chips, but I was playing Zuma way too much when I should have been working - abstinence is the answer there, too, and I'm proud to report I cut it off cold-turkey. Like you, I feel so much better!
It is inspiring to read your honest, heartfelt words. I makes me think that when I believe I am fooling others, I am really only fooling myself.
ReplyDeleteI clicked over to your blog today from Cammy's blog, and it's one of those times when I truly struck gold. I'm so glad to find this and look forward to reading more from you.
ReplyDeleteSuffering - as in Succotash...
ReplyDeleteBoth are kinda yukky!
Abstinence from those yukky things is a great idea, too! Suffering - kinda like junk food of the emotions - it NEVER brings the desired results! EGO things never do!
You sound good - glad things are going well for you!