Walking Dead

I just returned from my OA meeting, which I've previously described as a lifeline to sanity, or at least partial sanity. At the meeting I spoke about Terry. I stopped reading about her, the book her dad wrote as he struggled to understand her alcoholism and resulting death. But I can't stop thinking about her.

I spoke about her at OA, or rather about me, about how I identify with her, how the life of an addict, whether the substance is food or alcohol or drugs, is not life. It is walking dead, the grip of compulsive thought and actions dragging the person (me) into walking purgatory.

Drama. Is this merely high drama of the season? I don't know.

What I crave at the moment is not a fix, not a solution, not even recovery. At this moment I crave understanding. I want my OA friends, my wasband, people who know and care about me to tell me they understand what I'm saying, understand what walking dead is.

+ _ + _ + _ + _ + _ + _ + _ + _ +

An hour later...

Thanks to Retta! Her comment on my previous post led me to Sean, who threw me a lifeline of understanding, here. Wow! I'm now reading Sean's posts from a year ago, interrupted for a few seconds to make note of how blessed by understanding I am!

Hard to Pray When I Feel Unworthy

I have to begin by reminding myself that this blog is for me, for my recovery, and not to entertain, enlighten, or help anybody else who happens to stop by.

I've been reading Terry, an account of an alcoholic girl/woman, written by her father after her death at age 45 by passing out, intoxicated, in the snow one freezing night. It's an agonizing read. Terry was charming in many ways, and she tried many, many times to kick the monkey off her back, with little success. It's agonizing because in so many ways I am like Terry, older and not dead yet, but like her, with brief periods of abstinence and long, long periods of abuse.

Right now almost all of my addictions are in full flare up. Alcohol is the one that so far I have avoided. Food. Oh how the food substances have been pouring down my throat, my body screaming to stop, my mind playing its usual tricks. Why do I always fall for it? Why do I always believe that tomorrow will be better? Why do I always think if I eat it all, every crumb on hand, that the next day I can stop?

Terry suffered from depression as well as alcoholism. That's a bit true for me too, although I've never sought counseling for it or medication. I don't quite believe in it either, at least not for general depression and non-specific anxiety. Maybe one of the lies I tell myself is that my depression is seasonal, or occasional, or not so severe as to need help with it.

I still go to OA meetings, feeling more and more guilty, as I mouth nice words about "turning it over," and then come home to my cupboards and refrigerator. Yet going to OA meetings may be my one remaining link to sanity.

For months I've been saying I will listen again to my CDs of the Big Book. I don't do it. My clothes don't fit. I feel horrible. I'm not exercising... not at all.... not even the shortest walk.

Is it helping or hindering to keep reading about Terry? I don't know. I find it compelling on  one hand, the hard grip of the disease so totally unbreakable for her... At the same time, because I see myself shackled to her, it's pretty depressing.

With very brief periods of sticking to a food plan and abstinence, I've been on an ever-increasing spiral of relapse for 2 full years. The weight gain is horrible, yes. But even worse is the self-loathing, lying, binging, and laziness that comes along with compulsive overeating and other compulsive behaviors (like playing games on the computer all day).

It's so hard to pray when I feel unworthy.

Nasty spiral.

Still Reeling

Yep, I'm still in shock, still reeling about what I did, about the impossible-seeming act of eating an entire NY cheese cake in one sitting. I mean, how low can I go? Yet, there's a glimmer of hope growing in me, a faint sense that maybe it was a turning point. Since then I've been on plan, abstinent. Tomorrow is OA, a tool that definitely helps me stay on plan.

I want to write about steps 8 and 9, the ones about listing all the people I have harmed and then making amends to them. It's true I have harmed people, especially by lying to them. But the person I've lied to the most and harmed the most is me. Here are a few of the ways I've harmed myself with my compulsive overeating:

1. habitually referred to myself as "fat." I wouldn't say that to anybody else.
2. denied myself the comfort of wearing shorts and short-sleeved shirts in hot weather.
3. denied myself the joy of swimming because I look horrible in a bathing suit. (I love to swim!)
4. denied myself the pleasure of attending social events because I am fat and don't look good enough.
5. thought of myself as stupid. After all, aren't all fat people stupid?
6. harmed my body by yo-yo dieting and by the extra weight I've lugged around most of my life.
7. deceived myself about my compulsive overeating, telling myself lies to justify eating.
8. suffered from extreme shyness in social situations because of my weight.
9. burdened myself with guilt and shame about weight, sneaking sweets, lying about my eating, lack of control, selfishness.
10. jeopardized my marriage and previous partnerships in many ways connected to food and compulsive overeating.

I'm 71 years old, and have been struggling with weight and the above abuse since 5th grade, or about 60 years. That's a lot of harm. Now... how can I make amends to myself? It seems to call for action. Saying "Dear Self, I am so sorry I harmed you" does not constitute making amends in my book. The only real way to make amends is to give up compulsive overeating. That's a crossroad, isn't it?

One thing I can do is stop saying I'm fat. Never mention my fat arms, or my fat legs or my fat belly, or my fat body again.... ever! I don't know if I can keep those words out of my mind, but at least I can stop saying them out loud.

I wish I could say I will wear shorts and sleeveless shirts, and go swimming.... don't think that will happen. Oh dear, this making amends part is really tough.

I Just Ate Compulsively

I've been feeling blue all day. I found no solace at the OA meeting this morning, which is surprising, as generally there's at least one pearl offered and received. I found no excitement in quilting this afternoon. I went to a Contra dance, after having not danced for 15 years, and sat out half of the numbers. There were about 10 more women there than men, and I was an unknown entity. So I guess it was a given that I would find myself in that awkward wall-flower position, smile pasted on my face, growing more uncomfortable by the minute. When I got home this evening, I realized that my bra straps must have been showing all evening.... that sinking "spinach on the teeth" feeling.... the "I'm no good" feeling... the blues closing in on me.

And so, I got out a bag of dried coconut and started binging. It never even crossed my mind that "the answer is not in the bag of coconut." The driving force, the need to comfort myself, just took over. All that I've learned in OA was invisible until I ate so much coconut that I felt physical discomfort.

Isn't that ironic? I'm seeking comfort, in my old, compulsive way, and end up with greater discomfort. Right now, at this moment, I understand people who purge. I can imagine the relief. I've never purged, and most likely never will because I super hate throwing up.

Last night, when I couldn't sleep, I got out the "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous. Flipping through the stories at the end of the book, #15 caught my eye. It starts out like this:

When I had been in A.A. only a short while, an oldtimer told me something that has affected my life ever since. "A.A. does not teach us how to handle our drinking," he said. "It teaches us how to handle sobriety."

Because I eat compulsively when I experience discomfort (due to fear, boredom, loneliness, whatever), it's important for me to learn other ways to handle discomfort. OA has taught me some tricks. But tonight they were simply not in my consciousness at all. I hope, like the author of #15, that by persevering with OA, and all it offers, I will learn how to handle sobriety (in the sense of not compulsively overeating).

Second Guessing Myself

Decisions to be made.... huge, life-changing decisions being made quickly... no sitting on the fence. Two helpful conversations with my OA support team (that's what I'm calling two members of my Overeaters Anonymous group) today... and now writing about it. Here are the topics:

What will it cost me emotionally?
and

The illusion of being cared for...

The situation is this. My husband and I have filed for divorce.

Time: We want to live apart. We both want the change to happen as soon as possible. He will remain in the home we have; I will move. We agree on this.

Options: I do not want to move twice. Therefore, I do not want a temporary living situation, such as a short-term rental. Having owned my own place for 40 years of my life, I do not want to rent. Therefore, I made a firm decision to buy a home or possibly a condo. I wish to be moved by the end of March.

Possibility A: I live on an island. It is a great community which feels very safe to me. My good friends, doctor, dentist, OA group, beading/quilting/fiberarts groups, and my local internet provider are all here. I found an affordable home to buy, but it is not conventional and it is not real estate. It is a manufactured home. The rent per month to keep it in the Manufactured Home Park (very nice place), is fairly high. Resale is difficult and can take 2-3 years.

Possibility B: A 1-hour ferry ride away from "my" island, on the mainland, there is a small city with a full-service hospital and many other amenities. I like it there and can see myself living there. I found a nice home for sale in a small, attractive, developed community. The Home Owners Association dues cover ALL outside maintenance (roof, paint, landscaping). 

My choice: I listed all the pros and cons of these two places in writing. They are very evenly balanced, the good of one balancing the bad of the other. Finally, the plus of staying physically close to my friends/community and the comparative ease of a local move tipped the scales toward the home here (A).

Offer on island home: So I made an offer, which was accepted. I had it inspected, and received the report yesterday. There are a few non-major problems which need to be addressed.

Second guessing myself: As soon as I made the offer, I began to question if the off-island home (B) might be a better deal. I fretted for a while. But, after reviewing the pros and cons list, I returned to the same card that tipped the scales in the first place. Then the offer was accepted. Another round of second guessing. Again the importance of my friends and community tipped the scale toward A. Now today, I'm looking at the inspection report and yet another round of angst is with me, which is why I'm writing this post. To write is one of the best OA tools for me. And all of this is making me want to give up my abstinence, even chocolate, the most addictive fix for me.

OA supporters say:  This morning I talked with two members of my OA group, both of whom are clear-thinkers, grounded, and good listeners. Both asked good questions and brought up several points I didn't consider previously. One of them said this:

It's an illusion that I will be taken care of in home B.

The significant word is "illusion." Yes, the outside of the home and property is taken care of for a modest monthly HOA fee. But does that mean I am being taken care of? Does that sustain me? She suggests that friends and community are what sustain a person, not lawn mowing and exterior home maintenance. I think she is right. I would build new friendships, find a  new Dr., and join new groups if I move off the island... but it would take time, and it would leave me more or less alone at a time of stress (divorce).

The other OA friend said this:

It all boils down to, "What will it cost me emotionally to leave the island?"

The significant phrase is "cost me emotionally." The emotional cost, in his opinion, outweighs other cost considerations such as resale value, monthly payments, and costs of exterior upkeep.

Trump Card: Shall I let go of Possibility B? Shall I recognize and respect my strong need for stability of community at this time? Shall I let that card trump all of the others, and stop second guessing myself, go with the current offer and make it work? Can I get off the fence and go with it? Yes, I can.... But, will I? 

yes

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PS. The above conversations with OA members were outside of and not related to the OA meeting. Confidentiality is not being breached here.

After Christmas

A friend says, all the stuff to eat on Christmas is like bombs going off...

I think of it as a WWII movie scene, where the whole city is being bombed by pies and cookies and cakes and pastries and more than anything else,

big,

huge,

decadent,

dark

chocolates.

I’m down there scrambling to avoid being hit. Whamo! One lands 2 inches from me. And another! And yet another! There’s no shelter; I’m in one H of a mess.

Sometimes

I

succumb. 

Well, today there are fewer bombers overhead. I’m grateful for a little respite in the deluge.These past few weeks, I have not kept to my abstinence program. I have eaten 2 cookies, 1 slice of pumpkin bread, several slices of yulekaga, a bunch of crackers with butter and honey on them. These things are not on my program.

I need to reset the counter. This morning I had a slice of yulekaga. A little of the loaf (given to us by a neighbor) remains. I will probably finish it off later today. I am making a commitment to reset the counter, back to zero, as soon as the yulekaga is gone. Wish I could do it right now and leave the remainder for my husband. Could I do that? Maybe. I feel weak and helpless.... and sad.

It's a sad thing to reset a counter when it has 818 days of abstinence on it. That's 2 1/4 years of not eating one single bite of chocolate, cookies, pie, candy, cake, ice cream, or pastries. Gotta pat myself on the head for that one! Looking at the positive side of the relapse coin, at least I realize I am sliding deeper into relapse mode... eating more, edging up to the abstinence items by eating sweetened yogurt (how is that different than ice cream?) and crackers (the ones that are closest to cookies) and sweet breads (close as I can get to pastries).

There is light and good news in this story. I have not nibbled chocolate in any way. Chocolate, for me, is the most addictive substance of all. So far, I am still abstinent on chocolate. Although many times in the past few weeks, the little devil has sat on my shoulder saying, "It's OK! You've blown your abstinence program, you might as well have me as well. You can go back to abstinence some other day, later, maybe tomorrow. But just for today, you can have me. I come in many new, delightful forms, especially right now. You wouldn't want to miss that, would you?"

So far, the OA group consciousness, correspondence with my OA friends, and the unseen hand of my HP have helped me resist the devil chocolate's insane temptation. For this, my gratitude is huge.

For weeks (months?), I've been avoiding writing here in Words Paint. Why? I think it's because I've been straying more and more from my eating program, not caring how much I ate for each meal, eating/snacking between meals, gaining weight, edging slowly toward the abyss, the dark place where daily binges, self-disgust, self-loathing, and morbid obesity tear me apart. I know, because I've been there... more than once.

In that place, I care for nothing but to consume. In that place the tools of OA, the support of my friends and family, mean nothing to me. And so, as I slip toward that place, I begin to miss meetings, and I stop writing.

Today I am here. Saturday I will go to the meeting. I will reset the counter. On my knees, I thank God that I have not yet tumbled fully into the dark place. I thank God for this day, this Words Paint place of honesty and hope.

Honestly....

Feeling blue today, lonely, sad. Trying to get in touch with these feelings, explore them, accept them... rather than take the easy way out, the coward's fix... food. Some reasons why I might feel blue...

1.

Oh heck, I don't want to dwell on the blue side of life. Or maybe I don't want to know why I'm sad, maybe I'm afraid of knowing. I was sad yesterday too. Rain and chilly weather... I could blame wanting to eat and wanting to take naps on the weather...

Or maybe I could look for some sunshine. This is a diary post, just writing, not thinking much... journaling. Topic at OA meeting today was "being honest with ourselves." Lots of ways we can look at that topic... I suggested it because I don't think I'm being honest with myself about my weight gain in the past year or about what really is at the bottom of the gain. I came away thinking I'd said such dumb things. I drove home thinking that every person in our safe, loving group is at least overweight; some obese. Am I overweight, borderline obese, or obese? I really don't know the guidelines. Hmmm... I'll Google that one.

I just read a bunch of stuff about BMI (body mass index), and some guidelines for gender/age/height weight. According to that (and to what I know about myself, where and how weight is distributed over my body), I figure I am about 22 pounds over weight. I was within 9 pounds of an acceptable number a year ago, and have gained 13 pounds in the year since then, most of it in the last 6 months.

I gained the weight by overeating... not following my food plan. The results? Goodbye size 10 jeans; hello size 12; then hello tight size 12. More importantly, the results are that I'm feeling sad, discouraged, self-deprecating.

I'm admitting to myself and to others the exact nature of my wrongs. I binged on chips, bread, cereal, butter, nuts, and peanut butter, overeating in this manner nearly every day since sometime last fall. I gave myself much larger portions than I needed to satisfy hunger. I regularly cruised the kitchen, thinking something to eat, a treat, would make my life easier or make me feel better. Wallowing in weakness, I gave in to compulsive overeating, knowing I was doing it, doing it anyway. I am telling the truth about myself.

No more lying to myself, saying I'm the same as I was a year ago, saying maybe I just gained a pound or two, saying my eating is only slightly off-program.

This seems to be a good starting point for the rest of my life, eh? One day at a time, even one hour at a time, eating according to my food plan. For today: a sensible, light breakfast (done), a sensible lunch, a sensible dinner, no snacks or between-meal eating. This is a gift to me from me (and my higher power) for today.

I'm Baaaaaaack!

The book writing is a done-deal now, and thankfully I now have time to write (and read) for myself! For what it's worth, I wrote a series of posts about the process of writing the book, Part 4 of which tells the story of writing the current book.

During the 8 months, I went from a fairly comfortable size 10 jeans back up to snug 12s. Slowly at first, and then increasing my transgressions: eating more than my food plan (heaping my plate or having seconds), adding snacks, binging on chips, slacking on my walking program, not doing my toning exercises. The good news is: I did not eat any of my binge foods. I can still be proud of a year and a half of sobriety in that department.

Everything else is frayed at the edges. Snacking is, I think, the worst part... a hand full (or two or three) of almonds, a piece of toast with pb and honey or jam, a bagel and cream cheese... none of them counted as a meal. Yep, that will put the pounds back on a girl.... legs, tummy, thighs, and face... all showing the increase.... I'm wearing the snacks on my body.

Again, on the gratitude side of things, I have continued to go to OA meetings regularly. Without them, I'm certain my abstinence would have crumbled and I'd be squeezing into size 16s. Yep, that can happen very quickly. My OA group, small and steady, keeps me from unraveling completely. Bless them.

I don't know what to say about the state of my spiritual fitness. It seems shaken, or maybe frayed on the edges. I don't quite trust, don't quite believe, that there is a higher power out there somewhere (or inside somewhere) that will guide me and has my best interests at heart. OA says, "Act as if..." So that means I need to act as if my higher power exists and turn over my control, put myself in the hands of HP. Ooooh, that's a tough order. Act as if... Act as if... Just for today, I will act as if my HP, a force for balance and harmony, will guide me on a path of healthy eating and maybe even walking.

Well, I went to three of my favorite blogs tonight, revisiting dear friends for the first time in 8 months. It makes me happy!!! I'm grateful for their insights, inspiration and understanding!

* * * *

Other gratitude: skunk cabbage and daffodils opening their yellow glory even in the snow, quilting and beading, post-it notes, our purring kit-cat.

Food Myths

At our OA meeting today, I started thinking about the myths I hold to be true about food. I call them myths, because that's mostly what they are, although there may be partial or occasional truth involved with some of them. Here are the myths:

1. I'm a busy, active person. Therefore, I need to eat a lot of food.
2. I need a lot of protein.
3. If it's mealtime, I should eat... even when I'm not hungry.
4. I should always eat when I'm hungry, having at least a snack if it's not mealtime.
5. If one helping tastes good and satisfies me, more will be even better.
6. Carbs and sweets will make me feel better.
7. Carbs and sweets will alleviate boredom.
8. Getting together with friends should always involve eating.
9. When company comes, I need to feed them well, or they will think I'm a terrible hostess.
10. I deserve food treats.
11. I am entitled to food treats as rewards.
12. Thin people don't eat enough; they are unhealthy.
13. A little bit of food won't hurt me.
14. I show my love for people, by feeding them.
15. I give myself love when I feed myself.
16. It's natural to want to eat
17. I can't stop myself from eating too much.
18. I can eat too much of _____ right now and not ever do it again.
19. I'm tall and big; therefore my body need a lot of fuel.
20. On the days I walk for an hour, I deserve and need extra food.

Humph!!!!

* * * * * * * * * * *
Gratitude for today:  walking with Gayle, my new computer, Robert's wacky (make me giggle) sense of humor, improved water filter, Great Courses, my hands

If Food Isn't the Answer, What Is?????

Because of the wise practice of one of my fellow OA members, I've started meeting myself in the kitchen at those times when I find myself there searching the shelves. As soon as I become aware of myself standing there (sometimes I haven't a clue how I got there....), I mention to myself, "The answer isn't here."

Sometimes I reply to myself, "Who cares, I'm going to eat chips, peanut butter or whatever anyway!" Other times I reply, "Yeah, you're right. Guess I'll make some tea. Or, guess I'll go back to work." I like the practice. It's working.

Today, though, I got to thinking, "OK, so the answer isn't here, then where is it?" I'm going to modify the practice a bit to include this question. Just for fun, I think I'll try to answer it for a couple of senarios.

I'm in the kitchen. I realize the answer isn't there. I ask, "the answer to what?"

1. Boredom. That's a biggie. I've always sought food when I'm bored. So where is the answer to boredom? Here are some possibilities:
--->change - do something different, something new perhaps
--->service - do something for somebody else, my husband perhaps
--->fresh air - go for a walk, play in the garden, sit on the deck

2. Fear. Yup, that's another biggie. Been wrestling with that one a lot lately, especially about installing and learning my new computer and operating system. So where is the answer to fear if it's not on the kitchen shelves? Here are some possibilities:
--->ask for help - this worked with the computer; I asked my husband
--->just do it - do it anyway; ramrod right over the fear
--->baby steps - do the thing I do know or do understand; forget the big picture

3. Being stuck. This doesn't happen so often. But sometimes I'm waiting on information from somebody before I can do something else. I get stuck. This one is similar to boredom. So there I am in the kitchen a little resentful for having to wait for whatever it is, with time on my hands to kill. So where is the answer to being stuck? Here are some possibilities:
--->keep a list - a daily to do list that includes things which only take a few minutes to do
--->meditate - use the waiting time to meditate
--->write a post - ha ha, that's what I'm doing right now! Waiting for a phone call.

OK, well that's enough for now. I'll see how this works and if I can expand the list. The steps are:

1. I'm in the kitchen and it's not meal time
2. I remind myself, "The answer isn't here."
3. I ask myself, "The answer to WHAT isn't here?"
4. I recognize the need or feeling or mood and name it.
5. I ask myself, "OK, then, where might the answer be?"

It's a plan, Sam!

Ah-ha Topic >>>>>>> Changed Me

The OA topic was "suffering"... how suffering is a habit, how suffering is something we get really good at doing.

Suddenly the previous week flowed through my mind. Suffering was the flagship of the entire week, especially how I suffered (and was bored, tired, driven to binge on chips, sleepless, etc.) working on photographs for the book. When anybody asked me about the book, all I could say is how hard I work, how many long hours I struggle at the computer working in Photoshop, how little money I'm earning doing this book, how I have to sacrifice things I love to do (like read and write blogs). Poor me, I suffer so greatly.

Sitting in the meeting, my mind reached into a little lie I told my husband in the name of suffering. I told him I'd spent 4 hours working on just 1 picture in Photoshop and that I had 7 more pictures to go. Poor me. Poor me. Here's the truth, as far as I can recall: I had actually finished 3 pictures in 4 hours and played a couple of games of Spider solitaire as well. I only had 4 more pictures to go. Why lie? Upping the pity-pot quotient, I guess. Habit. Suffering. I'm good at it. I've been good at it, practicing it daily, for as long as I can remember.

No more. Baby steps toward choosing not to suffer, choosing to tell the truth, choosing to speak about the positive rather than the negative. Not that things aren't hard sometimes. So this week, when people have asked me about the book, I've told the truth, especially I've named the things that are working well.

Want to know the truth? I'm ahead of schedule for my 2nd submission. Recently I read through everything that's finished and honestly find it to be pretty amazing! It could actually become a timless classic, THE reference and inspiration book about beads and beading! That's my new truth, and I'm stickin' to it!

I'm also watching and listening to everything that comes out of my mouth... I try to notice any little exaggeration and to correct myself right on the spot.... with an apologetic... oops, I kinda overstated that.

This is a good change.... a relief to speak the truth... a relief to hear myself name the good things rather than the difficult things, to let go of suffering. And, I'm not Pollyanna. To put it in sportsman terms, I'll say I caught a fish (suffering), but the size of the fish will be realistic rather than drastically exaggerated. This is a very good change!

* * * * * * * *
And another good change... In my suffering state about the book, I started to eat a lot of chips... Chips every day and lots of them, stuffing in mouthful after mouthful... standing in the kitchen mindlessly munching on chips. Am I exaggerating? Hmmm... Well, maybe a little. But yes, I did eat a lot of chips.

From time to time, a little OA voice would tug on my sleeve and murmur, "you're binging." I ignored it until the day I decided to stop suffering. At that same time, the warning about binging struck me as truth. Abstinence is the OA answer to binging. And abstinent I have been since that day. No more chips. Yay! I'm feeling better about everything. Binging makes me feel crazy. I knew I was close to the brink of no return about eating. I've known it for several months. But now, it's OK again. Whew!

* * * * * * * * * * * *
Gratitude for the day: OA for sure, opportunities, rain, Robert, my family, Liz, Hollie, Lunnette, Christy, Christi, Mom memories.

Need to Write the Journey

Been a month nearly since Peaceful Bird wrote anything here in the land of Words Paint. That's too long.

I've been writing lots of words... my first book submission on Sept. 1 was about 16,000 of them, plus 118 images, about the same number of 3D objects, an art log and a contact sheet for all the images. These words are fun to write and challenging in a good way. But they are words about beads, words that come from the mind mostly... a little from the heart and soul, I guess, but mostly the intellect... orderly, sane, comprehensive, in the style required by the publisher.

These are not the words of a food addict, someone who overeats and binges. That part of me goes underground while I'm writing the book. In our OA meeting last Saturday, I suggested the topic of "Relapse." Although I'm not yet eating any of my binge foods, remaining totally abstinent on them, I feel dangerously close to the edge of that old binge insanity. I have been overeating and snacking... gaining at least a few pounds by the feel of my jeans and loosing self esteem with every extra bite. I said that at the OA meeting.

A few of the members who've been around the block for many years had some good wisdom to offer. One talked about the OA tools available to us and named them. When I heard the word "write" I knew instantly that Words Paint could help me step away from the edge. So here I am, writing my little heart out. My plan is to write as often as possible, but not to participate in the blog world right now, not until my second and third (final) submissions are finished. But, write I must.

Another tool for me has been gratitude. When I feel gratitude, it takes over my being, warms me, takes away the desire to feed myself with foods. So part two of my new plan is to list my gratitude at the end of each post.

That's all for now. I'm making a commitment to writing and gratitude....

+ + + + + + + + + + + +
Today's gratitude list: little green tree frogs, our garden, fresh vegetables, my husband, Lisa, Christi and Liz, Beethoven, opportunities, challenges, members of the local OA group, nippy fall mornings

Feeling a Tad Bit Better Today

Walking really helps lift my spirits!

I was having difficulty walking because we generally walk on a dirt road and whenever cars go by they raise a great cloud of dust particles that give me quite a coughing fit. The more times it happenes, the longer the fit and the worse I feel.

We took last Friday - Sunday off, hoping it would help... and it did... a little. Monday we walked on a paved road instead. Duh, why didn't we think of that sooner? Not as pretty a walk and somewhat more difficult because of steepness of the hills. But, with no dust, it went much better. So we did the same today, with almost no coughing as we walked!

Just getting out to walk and having it not be so fitful is a big boost to my moral. Maybe this bug is finally on its way out. I hope!

* * * * *

Reflecting on 257 days of abstinence, over a year of following a pretty healthy food plan through Overeaters Anonymous and nearly 4 years of a regular walking program, I'm thinking about how it all began with an attitude change. I don't even recall what brought about the change, probably many small things that added up at the right time and place. The change was a conscious decision to respect my body.

I'll say it again: I made a conscious decision to respect my body.

Below is a bead piece I did at that time. I found the feather on one of my first walks. The rock-like objects at the bottom are fossilized turtle shell, thousands of years old... gotta respect that! (Click on the picture to enlarge it.) I wrote more about this beadwork and the start of a big change here.


I wanted to lose weight. I wanted to be more fit. I wanted to like myself. If I had respect for myself (whether real or self-imposed), wouldn't I take care of these things? That was in August, 2007. I started to walk and I joined Weight Watchers on line. The walking stuck; the diet didn't.

It took me over two years of huge yo-yo swings, dieting and gaining it all back three times, before I stumbled onto Holy Hunger, which then got me into OA, the lifeline that keeps me off the yo-yo-coaster.

Reflecting on this today, I realize that I do, finally and authentically, respect my body.

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Gratitude for today: my quilting girlfriends, fresh salad greens for supper right out of our garden, my husband's to do list, feathers, beads, sleep.

Truth (?) about "Diets"

Overeaters Anonymous (OA) is not a diet or calorie club and does not endorse or recommend any particular food plan. Each participant is free to choose whatever food plan they wish and can alter the plan any time. At least that's my understanding of OA.

The key to loosing weight in OA has nothing to do with typical diet plans and everything to do with accepting individual patterns of food addiction.

For some, this doesn't seem so easy... maybe they're addicted to everything, or at least everything loaded with fat, sugar and salt. To some being abstinent on these foods would, in their addictive mind, leave nothing for them to eat and a horrible sense of denial sets in even as they contemplate the possibility of change. I know because I talked a lot about OA today with a person very, very dear to me. She can not fathom being able to survive without all the "junk foods" (my term, not hers) that constitute most of her daily intake. I'm sad to admit that nothing I said changed anything for her although she says she is miserable. I am horrified by the understanding of what her life must be like (and her life expectancy).

We did talk a little about our past experiences with diets and about how quickly we both regained every pound we lost, plus more. I told her about my husband and I watching a college course on healthy lifestyle (which I wrote about here). Last night, watching lecture #19 on fads and diets, Dr./Prof. Goodman had an interesting story about diets.

He told about going to a large bookstore and counting over 300 books with the word "Diet" in the title. "Why are there so many diet books," he asked? "Because not one of them works!" He rationed that IF one diet actually worked it would be the only book for sale. Word would get around that it works; everyone would buy that book and nobody would buy any of the other books. By this reasoning, there is no diet that works.

I just thought that was kind of funny. I guess one could just as easily conclude that they all work equally well.

Anyway trying to explain today how OA is not about a diet, trying to explain abstinence, food plan and higher power, I found myself a bit tongue-tied as I looked into the eyes of an addict, an addict who looked back at me with aversion and denial in her eyes. How far is bottom? I ask my higher power to help her and to help me help her... not to give up...

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Gratitude for today: rain, 238 consecutive days of abstinence, our adorable cat, that miraculously bottom for me wasn't morbid obesity and related illnesses, our local OA community

I Weighed Myself.....

Well, thanks readers for the good tips on how to feel better. Your well wishes and all must be working... maybe the antibiotics too... anyway, except for coughing spells from time to time (not so often, thank goodness), I'm feeling a lot better after three hits of the Azithromycin, which is my new, favorite antibiotic!

This morning, after a reasonable night's sleep (that means only waking myself up with a coughing fit three or four times, as opposed to every 10 minutes), I woke up thinking about things... chores, how the day might play out, a friend I had hoped to talk with on the phone last night (but didn't), normal morning thoughts.

Then, suddenly, the thought struck me to get out of bed and weigh myself.

Probably doesn't sound too weird, until you realize I haven't been on the scale but one time in over a year, since early April of 2010, after our return from a trip to the South West, where I pigged out every day. That fateful day, I weighed in at 232... not my all time high, but a jeans-squeezing, foot-busting, chipmunk-cheeks, rotundus-abundus, hate-myself, yo-y0 high nevertheless. It was still two weeks, and probably a few pounds more, before I realized I can not control my eating/binging and turned myself over to the care of a higher power and the loving community of our local OA group.

Since then, the only time I weighed was when I had my annual physical and was weighed (fully clothed with shoes) at the Doctor's office. Although I closed my eyes, the nurse said the number out loud. I think it was 187. At the time, I had mixed feelings about the number... good because it was a significant loss from when I started... not so good because I've been around 187 many times before, a number where I seem to hit the wall, often the bottom of the yo-yo drop. Therefore, I vowed to continue my no scale policy.

Until this morning. Don't know what got into me. The results? !66 (with full bladder and flannel nightgown). I was surprised. Thought it would be around 180. Feeling good about it. However, I think this will be the last scale visit for a while.

I don't like the pressure I immediately felt, the panic that the number might be low because of being sick, the fear that being this low (still overweight for my 5 ft. 8 inch frame, but no longer obese) will make me think I can go back to my old ways of eating, some other more personal fears related to the past and my attractiveness to men. No problem, fears! Just cool your jets, because we're not getting on that thing again for a loooooong time! No scale and all's well with PB!

A Year in OA and Hoarding Stuff

Two topics on my mind tonight...

A Year in Overeaters Anonymous

I've been going to OA for a year now, though it seems like lots less than that. I've never been to a meeting that didn't help me, contribute to my newly developing sense of inner harmony and peace of mind, make me feel accepted. Like they say, "Welcome to Overeaters Anonymous; welcome home." Always somebody says something that clarifies an attitude, an action, or a reaction for me. My gratitude for each person in my small group is immense.

My abstinence program regarding certain foods (cake, candy, chocolate, cookies, pie, ice cream and pastries) is solid. 194 days of perfect abstinence on that score! No regrets. No misgivings. Rarely tempted. Not feeling deprived. Happy to not eat any of it, ever! This was a 360 degree change from 60 years of binging on chocolate and the rest of them every chance I could get (not an exaggeration).

My abstinence program regarding my meal plan is not going so well. In fact, not going well at all. In the past few months, I've observed a steady increase in both portion size and snacking. I think the way to get back on track is to work the OA steps. I'm hung up on the 4th step. Maybe I need to return to the first 3 and then approach step 4 in a refreshed state of mind. My spiritual recovery is stagnate. I'll try to write more about that in my next post.

So, looking at the year as a whole, I see a much thinner, much happier me, who is now needing to take new pathways into the program.

Hoarding Stuff

I'm currently reading a very interesting book called, Stuff, Compulsive Hoarding and the Meaning of Things by Randy Frost and Gail Steketee. Bringing a clinical psychology background to their ten-year study of compulsive hoarding, the authors present case histories and their personal impressions about this problem that may affect more people than we realize. While we all keep stuff we don't need or use, the authors say it's only a problem if it makes us miserable, if it "causes substantial distress or interference in every-day living."

The book is a good read, well-written, sensitive, courageous. I saw it in a bookstore and paid full retail because I couldn't wait to get it through Amazon. Why? Because I hoard stuff, stuff I don't need or use or want. Always it bothers me. Always I wish I could give or throw it away. Do I have stacks reaching the ceiling? Only in my closets. Do I have a warehouse full of stuff? No. Have I filed bankruptcy because I overspend my income? No. Has my husband threatened divorce because of my clutter? No; at least not yet.

But (and this is a BIG BUT), what I do have bothers me A LOT). I'm looking for a little help from this book. The authors say that fixing the problem takes "heroic effort." Three ideas regarding a fix are helping me already:

1. I am practicing a total shift in my decision-making process in reaction to the sight of a desired possession. Rather than narrow and focus my attention on the thing, I expand my attention to consider how this object "fits into the fabric" of my life. Expand rather than narrow my attention... that's an important key I think.

2. This one again involves the desire to acquire new stuff. Each time an opportunity to acquire stuff comes along, I ask myself "When will I use it? Do I have anything like it already?" and "Do I have a place to put it?"

3. Already the above have made a difference in my level of new acquisitions. However, disposing of the stuff I already have is an entirely different and much more difficult matter. I find that like more serious hoarders, I attach great value to my stuff. I think of it as potential, exciting and worthwhile, things I can use to make my art, things that I can do or learn from someday. To my eyes, my stuff also has sentimental meaning. Like many hoarders, I seem to derive a sense of self from my stuff, my collections, my supplies, and my piles of inspiration. Gaining a better understanding of this from the book may help me to let some of it go, to find potential and value in myself rather than my stuff.

Each chapter begins with a quote. Here's one I like a lot by William James:

It is clear that between what a man calls me and what he simply calls mine the line is difficult to draw. We feel and act about certain things that are ours very much as we feel and act about ourselves.

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Gratitude for today: longer days, my special surrogate-granddaughter, my husband, red roses

Need Help

Funny thing how vain I am about my face... hair too, I guess. Last Thursday I had an odd (and fairly fast growing) mole removed from my lower lip and sent for biopsy (no results yet). It's taking a huge amount of will to post the picture that I took today of my lips.

Looking at myself from the perspective of an acquaintance, I see a woman who is struggling with grief over her mother's death, holding it inside, nodding and outwardly saying things like, "Well, she was 94 and lived a good, productive life... Our love and mutual respect was solid as a rock," while inwardly feeling lost, abandoned, stricken.

I see a woman who is eating her heart out, big plates heaped with food, seconds, between meal snacks, reverting to old habits for comfort, not asking her friends for help.

And here's a big one. I see a woman who did not go to her OA meeting on Saturday, even though it's a place where she always finds comfort and support, a place where just maybe she can open the door to her feelings. Why? Because of vanity. Plain and simple. I did not want to show my face.

It's OK. I'm not beating myself up about this. I suspect it's a pretty normal thing. Being aware of how important my face is makes me much more sympathetic to people who have birth defects, scars or other deformities of the face. It makes me more sympathetic to women who have face lifts and cosmetic surgery. It makes me want to contribute money to the Drs. who donate their time to do cleft palette surgeries on children from other countries. In the meantime, I am feeling the results of three weeks of overeating in the way my jeans fit. It's time for me to admit that I need help.

Help me, dear universe,
to feel rather than feed my feelings.
Let me cry and rage.
Let me curl up in a little ball and moan.
Let me turn toward friends
and away from food.
Let me write and speak my truth
rather than the deception of "it's all OK, really."
Let me breathe in healing energy.

Here's a picture of Mom, taken by my sister-in-law last fall, a time when she was feeling pretty chipper.


She loved to go to my brother's house, and especially their garden, every Sunday for dinner. There she would have a glass of wine and delicious food, very different from her regular nursing home meals. She's wearing Karen's gardening hat to keep the sun from her sensitive eyes and holding her arm up so she can wave for the picture. Absolutely a sweetheart! (See a couple more pictures here.)

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Gratitude for today: my husband, having had 68 darn good years with my mom, signs of spring, all three of my sisters-in-law.

Anonymity... Comment by Anonymous

Saturday I wrote about suicide by overeating, the topic at our OA meeting that day. One person commented as follows:

Anonymous said...

"A" meetings are "safe" places where we can go and talk because we are told that "what is said in a meeting, stays in a meeting". We learn to build trust again through these meetings. I think it may have been an oversight on your end that you didn't realize that sharing one word, one sentence, one story is a breach of that trust. You are given a gift at those meetings by people who are as raw and hurting as you are, so a gentle reminder to keep that boundary.

Thanks for the reminder! I wish to apologize to whoever wrote the above comment and give my promise to be more careful in the future. I do value the safe space we have in our meetings to say whatever we need to say. And, yes, of course the atmosphere of safety depends on anonymity.

I guess when I wrote the post (here), it didn't seem likely that anybody could identify any of the members from what I wrote. However, one never knows who might read my post and be able to put two and two together. The post is now edited to remove all specific content from our OA meeting. Hopefully what remains is not in violation of any trust.

Actually, I'd like to know, who are you Anonymous? I'd like to apologize directly to you and understand more completely your interpretation of the OA anonymity policy. If you wish, please contact me by email: WordsPaint[at]gmail[dot]com or directly if you know me. Thanks.

Throwing Food Away

One of the topics at our OA meeting this morning was "throwing food away," how most of us regard food as precious, something not to be wasted. Certainly that's how I was raised and how I've continued to live my life.

The discussion began when one of the members told us about how at breakfast this morning, he had two sausages, the perfect amount for him and his food plan. His wife, who also served herself two sausages, not wanting to eat her second, passed it over to his plate. Silently he told himself he'd just leave it there on the plate, that he'd had enough and was satisfied with two. But somehow, by the time he finished his breakfast coffee, he'd eaten it.

Lots of places to go with that story, including:

-- asking people close to us to help us by not offering us their unwanted portions
-- maintaining mindfulness as we eat
-- childhood patterns and parental influences about eating
-- the preciousness of food and the money it takes to buy it
-- prayer and being spiritually fit

I've been thinking about how it's never been OK to throw food away, about the guilt that always besets me when I clean spoiled foods (particularly left-overs) from the refrigerator. If I cook more than is needed for a meal and it's not enough for a whole meal later on, my habit is to eat it, even if I am already full.

I tell myself it won't keep; I'll never remember to eat it later; it's too good to waste; think of all the starving people in the world; I shouldn't add to the world's garbage; if I throw it away, fruit flies or other pests will get into it; it cost hard-earned money to buy it.... etc. etc. etc.

It's all nonsense! Food is doomed (or thrown away) the minute the animal/fish is killed or the fruit/vegetable/grain is picked. Once harvested, whether it passes through my body's processing system or not, it is already headed toward decomposition. Yes, it may be delicious and nutritious, but it is only food. I can throw it away. I can waste it, not waist it.

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Today's gratitude: time this afternoon to sew, sunshine, community/neighborhood, my fellow OA members

Pat on the Back!

Home after four days away. Took a fun/challenging, 3-day quilting workshop. Catered lunches were supplied, with lavish desserts baked right there in the kitchen adjacent to our classroom, plus fresh-baked cookie snacks in the afternoon and other students sharing their dark-chocolate-coated blueberries. I don't want to write about the desserts! Just let it be known they smelled and looked like the best of the best.

Struggle to maintain my sobriety? Yes, a bit. The class was challenging for me... not my normal approach to art and not my most comfortable medium, lots of new techniques, and most of the students way more advanced both as artists and as makers of art quilts than I am. Did I feel frustrated and inadequate some of the time? Yes, I did, perhaps most of the time. Did I smell the chocolate brownies (oops, I wasn't going to tell...) and want some? Yes, it crossed my mind. Did I watch other women cheerfully devouring snacks and desserts? Yes, I did.

However, ta-dah, did I take a smidgen, a taste, a bite or a serving of any of it? No, I did not! Pat on the back and bravo me! Did I eat a bit too much at meal time? Hmmm. I shall try to be honest here... Yes, a few meals were a bit more than I have at home. Plus, I don't normally eat much at all for breakfast; whereas I did partake of the free hotel breakfast (in a mostly sensible way).

This is a good lesson. The OA approach works for me. Sobriety works for me; it's not as difficult as diets. There was a woman in the class on a diet, who talked rather constantly about what she could and could not eat, what she wanted to eat, what she wished they had provided for us, etc. My experience was different. I didn't think about food, except when they brought out a steaming fresh plate of desserts and announced we could "come and get it." I didn't talk about food at all that I can recall.

Actually, it really wasn't very difficult at all. Back in my days of yo-yo dieting, I had much, MUCH WORSE times trying to limit how many cookies or brownies or candies I ate. I am very grateful to have learned about OA and for all the sources of support keeping me sober!
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Today's I'm grateful for: blooming Narcissus and Hellebore, Northern Flickers feeding on our property, safe travels to and from my class, sleeping in my own bed, longer days, good neighbors, silence