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| Beach - place of harmony and calm where I live now, on the island - I found a heart rock, placed it on a beautiful log, and left it there when I departed - possibly foreshadowing what will follow. |
It's settled...
...not without last-minute angst. It was down to the wire, the last 2 hours and I still hadn't heard Y/N on the offer on the mainland house. So I phoned the agent and said I was sending an email to withdraw my offer. I phoned the agent here and told her I would proceed with the island property.
I had five minutes to wrap my head around that decision, enough time to note that I was feeling a little resigned, maybe slightly disappointed, yet I knew it would all work out. I remember thinking my friends (and husband) would be pleased to hear I was staying on the island.
Then the phone rang. The mainland agent called to say she had phone confirmation that the seller accepted my offer. In an instant my future path shifted a one-plus-hour ferry ride to the east. Twenty minutes later, I was signing papers to terminate the offer on the island home.
Confused thoughts followed. I couldn't quite comprehend the shift for a while. So I called my walking partner... When I arrived, she said "You look like you've been on an all-night binge, complete with a bar fight." Yep, that's how I felt.
Two-point-two miles of fast-paced walking later, I'm starting to feel like myself again. I can almost picture moving to the mainland. I feel sad to leave all the people and things I love about the island, yes, true. At the same time, I feel comfortable with the new direction my life started taking a couple of hours ago.
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| Mainland house |
It took a total of 4 weeks to investigate possibilities and reach these two decisions. The most amazing fact about the process is that I did not compulsively overeat. I made a few dubious food choices, yes. But in my pre-OA days, I would have been swimming in chocolate and every other goodie I could bake, buy, or steal.
If I've had any clarity in the decision making process, I attribute it to NOT binging or compulsively overeating. Really. When I am in binge mode, my mind only wants one thing - chocolate (or if I'm abstinent on chocolate, then whatever else is next on the trigger food list). With my attention focused on food, how could I possibly find space for clear thinking, or feeling my feelings, or any kind of mindfulness. WOW! That alone is such a wonderful reason to remain abstinent. My gratitude is huge for the OA program, readers of this blog, and OA friends. I owe them for my sanity during this trying time.
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| Mainland house - back deck and small yard bordered by a protected wetlands creek. |
You are in a much better place. The worst of the decisions behind..no more fence sitting...clean break from everything you divorced...new house, new start.
ReplyDeleteYour new home looks beautiful. I hope you will spend lots of time enjoying nature sitting on the deck. I can't help but think about your post about being snowed in and cut off while on the island. It feels like you have made the right choice. xx, Carol
Thanks Carol! Yes, indeed, I am in a better place... my shoulders are slowly descending from above my ears and life is looking better.
Deleteand a gorgeous house it is! and kudos to you for feeling those feelings and moving with the process! xoxo
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jules... It is a nice house and seems to be a very nice neighborhood. Feeling my feelings is a better way to live than numbing out all the time... for sure!
DeleteCongratulations! Moving will seem like an endless chore of packing and labeling and more packing. It will seem to go on FOREVER. Then, all of a sudden, you and your things will be in the new place and you'll be unpacking, then settled in. Just like that.
ReplyDeleteYou're so right, Lois. One day I'll be looking back, reading this post, thinking how great it is to have the endless chores of moving behind me. I'll keep that in mind... "Just like that" will be my moving motto! Thanks.
DeleteCongratulations! On finding a new place to live and having the difficult decisions behind you AND doing so without chocolate and other stuff(ing matter)! Great, You didn´t forget yourself (like the song says). Can I have your new address, I know a little useful present for you for the New Start
ReplyDeleteLove, Lis
Thanks, Lis (Are you changing how you like to spell your name in the English speaking internet world?)
DeleteI'll give you my address after the inspection and title clearing process... when the deal is firm. Until then, I don't want to jinx it ;>}
Congratulations on the new home, which looks lovely, also on getting through a tough four weeks without over eating, that is something to be proud of and I am very happy that you are reaping the rewards by how you are feeling. Good luck for the actual move and settling into your new home.
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful, gentle comment! I appreciate your support through this very much. Thank you and bless you.
DeleteCongratulations on staying level, not eating chocolate (I've been taking care of that duty) and getting such a sweet little house that backs on a stream, "Just like that!". You are an amazing manifester.
ReplyDeleteCan't wait to see it!
xox
Peg
Oh! I see my comment from yesterday didn't show up. I was saying that I'd bet it was a relief to have a solid decision made, and to feel like you are making progress towards your new future.
ReplyDeleteIt looks like a very nice house, and I love the idea of it being next to the wetlands. I can envision some lovely peaceful walks. :-)
What a kindness you've offered to all of us, your readers, to express your inner turmoil, the weighing of your decisions, the pain of vacillation, the relief of settling on a choice. You are a wonderful example. Putting eating in its proper place, rather than bandaging all your exposed bits with food, enabled you to wind your way through the maze. I'm in awe! Thank you, once again, for the great lesson.
ReplyDeleteI'm very happy for you, with your new home, and new start on a future. It's hard to make a decision when there isn't a clear "wrong" choice. Either place would have worked for you. Congratulations on the fresh palette.
Hugs,
Terri B-N
what a beautifull house and soon to be home! I have never thought of you as a non-clear thinker even before your OA programme. Recently I read somewhere:
ReplyDeleteYou don't know how strong you are, untill all you have left is being strong.
I believe in you, I believe you can do this, even in times when you can hardly believe it yourself, and I am convinced I have many on my side.
You are on my mind a lot these days, and there is little I can really do for you with this huge distance in between. But know you are loved and cherished, be it not in this marriage.
want to sent you something over snailmail, but can I still use your old adress? Don't know how long it will take to reach you.
DeleteGlad to know that you are enjoying your new home. Last-minute decisions might make us feel that we haven’t really thought things through. But once things start falling into their own place, you’ll be convinced that you made the right decision after all. It’s a lovely home you got there, by the way!
ReplyDeleteNoreen Saint
Your new home is beautiful. It's been almost two months; have you moved in? I'm sure you have renovation plans in mind. I'm excited to hear those. How about the outdoor deck? Are you planning to put some fixtures there? It's good to put a picnic table and a grilling oven on the corner. Do that, and you're all set for a night party! :)
ReplyDeleteIt’s always good to have a change of scenery when you’re starting a new thing in your life. Moving to the mainland might have been a drastic change at first, but in time, you’ll realize that it was for the best. After a few months of getting adjusted, you could always visit old friends in the island.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, the exterior of the house looks gorgeous! Not sure about your plans for the interior design of your home, but for now, the exterior is fine as it is.
Terry