Saturday, July 26, 2014

Still Reeling

Yep, I'm still in shock, still reeling about what I did, about the impossible-seeming act of eating an entire NY cheese cake in one sitting. I mean, how low can I go? Yet, there's a glimmer of hope growing in me, a faint sense that maybe it was a turning point. Since then I've been on plan, abstinent. Tomorrow is OA, a tool that definitely helps me stay on plan.

I want to write about steps 8 and 9, the ones about listing all the people I have harmed and then making amends to them. It's true I have harmed people, especially by lying to them. But the person I've lied to the most and harmed the most is me. Here are a few of the ways I've harmed myself with my compulsive overeating:
  1. habitually referred to myself as "fat." I wouldn't say that to anybody else.
  2. denied myself the comfort of wearing shorts and short-sleeved shirts in hot weather.
  3. denied myself the joy of swimming because I look horrible in a bathing suit. (I love to swim!)
  4. denied myself the pleasure of attending social events because I am fat and don't look good enough.
  5. thought of myself as stupid. After all, aren't all fat people stupid?
  6. harmed my body by yo-yo dieting and by the extra weight I've lugged around most of my life.
  7. deceived myself about my compulsive overeating, telling myself lies to justify eating.
  8. suffered from extreme shyness in social situations because of my weight.
  9. burdened myself with guilt and shame about weight, sneaking sweets, lying about my eating, lack of control, selfishness.
  10. jeopardized my marriage and previous partnerships in many ways connected to food and compulsive overeating.
I'm 71 years old, and have been struggling with weight and the above abuse since 5th grade, or about 60 years. That's a lot of harm. Now... how can I make amends to myself? It seems to call for action. Saying "Dear Self, I am so sorry I harmed you" does not constitute making amends in my book. The only real way to make amends is to give up compulsive overeating. That's a crossroad, isn't it?

One thing I can do is stop saying I'm fat. Never mention my fat arms, or my fat legs or my fat belly, or my fat body again.... ever! I don't know if I can keep those words out of my mind, but at least I can stop saying them out loud.

I wish I could say I will wear shorts and sleeveless shirts, and go swimming.... don't think that will happen. Oh dear, this making amends part is really tough.


  1. It breaks my heart to hear how you have treated yourself and still do . I 've always been fat. I've always worn shorts, short sleeved (NOT sleeveless though) shirts, and will go swimming any chance I get. I might wear shorts and t shirt to swim in versus a suit though. While, I know you want to and need to work on your abstinence and your 12 steps help you . I think there are many blogs / sometimes groups that can help you with self acceptance, self care, self love. I don't mean just accepting you will be fat. Self acceptance so that you can live life to the fullest. Please check out some of the blogs on my blog list as I lean as much towards this journey as I do the journey to lose/ maintain wt loss.

  2. If you do read some of that blog list of mine read a little of each and see what resonates with you. Particularly the A weight lifted, Rosie Molinary blog, Weightless, Drop it and Eat, 300 pounds down, ..go through their previous posts. It seems this type of wisdom , whichever you relate to best, will lift you up and guide you to making those amends to yourself. keep us posted..


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