Still Reeling

Yep, I'm still in shock, still reeling about what I did, about the impossible-seeming act of eating an entire NY cheese cake in one sitting. I mean, how low can I go? Yet, there's a glimmer of hope growing in me, a faint sense that maybe it was a turning point. Since then I've been on plan, abstinent. Tomorrow is OA, a tool that definitely helps me stay on plan.

I want to write about steps 8 and 9, the ones about listing all the people I have harmed and then making amends to them. It's true I have harmed people, especially by lying to them. But the person I've lied to the most and harmed the most is me. Here are a few of the ways I've harmed myself with my compulsive overeating:

1. habitually referred to myself as "fat." I wouldn't say that to anybody else.
2. denied myself the comfort of wearing shorts and short-sleeved shirts in hot weather.
3. denied myself the joy of swimming because I look horrible in a bathing suit. (I love to swim!)
4. denied myself the pleasure of attending social events because I am fat and don't look good enough.
5. thought of myself as stupid. After all, aren't all fat people stupid?
6. harmed my body by yo-yo dieting and by the extra weight I've lugged around most of my life.
7. deceived myself about my compulsive overeating, telling myself lies to justify eating.
8. suffered from extreme shyness in social situations because of my weight.
9. burdened myself with guilt and shame about weight, sneaking sweets, lying about my eating, lack of control, selfishness.
10. jeopardized my marriage and previous partnerships in many ways connected to food and compulsive overeating.

I'm 71 years old, and have been struggling with weight and the above abuse since 5th grade, or about 60 years. That's a lot of harm. Now... how can I make amends to myself? It seems to call for action. Saying "Dear Self, I am so sorry I harmed you" does not constitute making amends in my book. The only real way to make amends is to give up compulsive overeating. That's a crossroad, isn't it?

One thing I can do is stop saying I'm fat. Never mention my fat arms, or my fat legs or my fat belly, or my fat body again.... ever! I don't know if I can keep those words out of my mind, but at least I can stop saying them out loud.

I wish I could say I will wear shorts and sleeveless shirts, and go swimming.... don't think that will happen. Oh dear, this making amends part is really tough.