Sunday, January 23, 2011

I Don't Want to Write About...

fingers hesitating
mind balking at the idea
of writing about
my husband and me
our history
and current conflict
over the telephone

never mind
I'll give it a try

a few times a year
for work or family events
I travel alone
without my husband

sometimes gone a few days
sometimes a week or more

my husband likes it
when I check in daily
by telephone

he likes to give me
island news
even national news
cat doings
his doings

he doesn't like me to call
in the morning
or when I'm not alone
or when he's busy

often it seems he gives
only cursory interest
to what I'm doing
I've learned to
tell him just the headlines

often we get into arguments
some of our worst
are when we're on the phone

most times I call
at the end of my day
I'm tired
and it doesn't go well
we argue
I brood and can't sleep
which makes it worse
the next evening

I begin to dread
the telephone

tonight I told him
I prefer not to call
later this week
when I'll be gone
for three days

he says it means
I don't care enough
about him or our home
to want to check in

he says
I short-change him
on the "we factor"
in our marriage

I feel so foolish
our behaviours so petty
goals one day
squabbles the next

I have this notion
that by now
in our 60's
and married for 10 years
we should have
our relationship ducks
all lined up
in a beautiful straight line

we don't

I'm feeling my feelings
in these words

my dad used to say
damned if you do
damned if you don't

that's how it seems to be
phone or no phone
how will we find a solution
maybe our counselor can help


  1. I hope your counselor can help.
    Keeping in mind there are two sides to a story, your husband seem like he wants to be sure you are ok so call at HIS convenience, but then maybe he just wants to give you his full attention, much like he expects from you. But then, why isn't he interested in your in depth recount of what you have been doing.

    Ducks in line? Maybe he's just a weird duck, but then maybe YOU are ~lol~. Aren't we ALL!!

    Good luck Robin. You certainly are determined.

  2. It can still be "ducky"
    even if the ducks don't line up in a row!
    Hope your 3rd party arbitrator can help!
    In the meanwhile, don't despair....
    And don't blame or "beat your self up" too much with words and concepts that may no longer apply.
    Expectations suck!
    They suck the life out of reality.

  3. Yes, damned if you do and damned if you don't:( I hope you counselor can help.

    I enjoyed seeing the non-words artistic side of you in your quilting and beading. So creative!

  4. I see this..been there and done that--partly it is our communication styles and our personality and then trying to mix that with another human..we often mis understand each other's tone and intent--just had a mixup last night over ordering, i'm the kind of person that has always gotten other folks talking so that I didn't have to share anything much about myself. Partly, shyness and that is the nurse part of me too..when I started to try to get healthier and wanted to share--I didn't know how. I bumble. As far as when I travel and check in at home, I would be the type that wants to hear the blow by blow--how did the dogs do, what did the cat do at 3 am( he always does something), what did you eat / watch on tv / play / think / feel...but my husband resists that...we recognize our differences and try to compromise.

  5. I'm not being flipant..but if you both can't talk to each other in person, why would either of you expect to be able to talk on the phone. Hope you can resolve the issues one way or another. No way to live...with or without each other. I do feel for you. Take care

  6. Dear Robin,

    After knowing each other 50 years, being lovers for 45, living together for 38 and being married for 23 years (I think that's right) we still don't have our ducks lined up in a row. I think that's good in some ways because we do change, and we do make mistakes, and we do miscommunicate, and we keep working on making it work out. Don't give up, not yet. love J (you know who!!) ♥♥♥♥

  7. It breaks my heart when I read posts like this from you. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you.

    I know that your 10 lists work well for you, could you do one for things you would want from the phone calls. Would your husband write one too. It may give you a frame work for the phone calls.

    I hope you counselor can help.

    Don't give up. Not now.

  8. Oh perhaps I should also add. 25 years friends, 12 years lovers, 10 years living together, 17 months married. Most of the time our ducks are in a row but every now and then one of us (usually me!) scatters them every which way. As J says, things change, we make mistakes and sometimes outside forces have an influence. We have to constantly adjust, adapt and regroup.


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