Monday, May 9, 2011

Mixed Bag o' Feelings

Some guilt remorse about not posting or reading in this realm for too many days. Like the hummingbird drawn to the newest blooming flower, I've been ghost-writing a blog for my husband. Ha. That's not the truth. I'm writing it for me; he's not the least interested in it or in doing it. He calls it identity theft. He seems to be joking when he says that, but maybe there's a grain of truth in it.

We he started a garden. Truth is, I've never liked or been interested in or been good at growing plants. Parents did and next down brother is quite the purple thumb. Not me. So when we first talked about a garden, I basically said, "Count me out." He didn't particularly like my attitude, so we discussed it in counseling and agreed that I'd contribute 10% financially and in labor.

Behold and lo... Who is out there every day looking at the plants? Who is buying the plants and seeds? Who shoveled dirt and gravel and cleaned up after the workers? Who drilled the PVC pipes for the water reservoir? Who started the new blog (Rain Barrel Garden)? Me. Go figure. This I do not understand. Garden = fun? Does not compute, but somehow it mostly is. That's why the new blog I guess.

Challenges for eating. Last Saturday I had to be one of several hosts at a big community art function with a gigantic lavish of foods and snacks. I'm so shy and uncomfortable in situations like that. Akkkk... I went with the thought that I'd be abstinent on all edibles for the three hours. Didn't make it. Ate some fruit and a few crackers with cheese. Not too bad and none of my binge foods. That's good. Felt miserable there. Couldn't find the least little comfort zone. Just white-knuckled my way through the time and departed the second it was officially over. Maybe that's just how it is for me in social situations like that. Maybe I could learn to just say "no" when asked to do stuff like that...

Challenges causing stress. Friend from college visiting us me Wed-Fri. He and I were fairly close for 4 years, but have only seen each other one time since graduating in '64. He's vegetarian; we're not. Anybody got a good, easy to fix vegetarian main dish to recommend? My husband has no interest in meeting him and is already acting pissy toward me. Oh for fun! This is the last guest I will invite to our home. It just isn't worth the worry and stress that my husband might be unpleasant and rude to the guest; plus irritated with me. Why do I always forget how it goes down, and invite someone else?

Next on the list is a slide lecture that I have to do on Saturday, meaning I'll miss my OA meeting. Right now, I have need of my OA meetings, big need. Missing Saturday is not a good thing.

Then I'm home for one day, madly preparing to teach a two-day workshop a day's drive away. I'll leave Monday for that, teach Tuesday and Wednesday, drive back on Thursday. More stress; more temptation to handle stress with food; more anxiety about my husband's attitude. He doesn't like it when I'm gone. He doesn't like it when he's not the center of my attention.

I may have been guilty of playing into that in some sort of co-dependent way for many years. But it has worn very thin lately. Even with counseling, I'm still thinking about divorce, something I promised I wouldn't do for a year... a year that we would work on our relationship. Today it doesn't feel like it's working. Today I feel sad... and mad... and hopeless... and lonely.

There it is. I just named my feelings, for whatever it's worth.

Now, is there any good news to report? Yes, there is... I've been continuing to work on my clutter problem. THAT makes me feel good. I've got several boxes and bags ready for a garage sale (or maybe I'll just take them to the thrift store), lots of bags of recycling and lots of bags of garbage. The keepers are organized. Whohoooo! Not even half way done yet, but keeping at it and seeing light at the end of the tunnel! Also I put some of my bead art for sale on my website, posted about it on my art blog and have sold all but two of the pieces. This is really a good thing and makes me feel happy, satisfied, worthwhile.

So, it's a mixed bag o' feelings today. I probably won't post again until I return from teaching. Supportive cyber hugs and anti-binge vibes are appreciated!


  1. You know, if you can't even invite an old friend for a visit without your partner being pissy about it, you have to sit down together and have a Big, Important Talk about it. No friends and their opinions, no therapists, no neighborly advice or family kibitzing, just you two, discussing who has the right to do what in your own home. I have friends my husband would rather do without, and he has some I don't like at all. We each get one, and ONLY one, veto, and generally agree to see the friends without the partner being there. It works great for us. Sometimes one of these friends will come over, and we do our best to accommodate the other's need to see a particular friend or colleague. Both of us work at home, in separate parts of the house, and we both do things without the other in the course of events. And that works for us, too, but it does because we are each independent persons and rather enjoy our own company on occasion.

    I hope it isn't rude and intrusive to say (and I'm going to, anyway), but there are some people who are much better at being friends who care deeply about each other than being live-together partners, married or otherwise. What would happen if you don't drive yourself nuts working on a relationship that may work better in another form? Just saying. Some days, of course, are bad and full of annoyances, and some days are wonderful and full of laughter and cooperation. I wish you both more of the latter.

  2. I'm sorry you are going through such a painful, conflicted time.

    One thing I've learned, as I'm sure you have too, is that when we don't use food as the buffer, our feelings can be so "raw". It sounds like you are going through transition, yet don't feel like you have the understanding and support from your husband.

    I'm glad you can blog about it, and hope that helps... maybe it can help sort it out, do some clarifying, etc.

    I enjoyed looking at your little beaded pieces that were for sale, and drooled especially over Sing and Create. Just lovely!!

    Anyway, big cyber hugs to you, Robin!! See ya when you return, hopefully rested and feeling better.

  3. Wow, lots going on. I hate anything related to gardening but wish I had a garden. I have two SILs and both are prolific gardeners. One blogs about it which was actually my first introduction to blogging.

  4. Mixed bag of feeling all over the place.

    When my mother would come to visit,
    before she moved to Dallas to live with me,
    I would rent a nice hotel room for the week.
    That way, all the family could come and see her.
    No one felt awkward. Plus there were no stairs
    for her to climb. But the winning feature was more privacy - that went for the guest - and the host!

    Love the garden!
    And remorse? Forget about it!
    No time for that - you do what you need to do!
    Sounds like a complex time -
    Heartfelt hugs to you!

  5. i am sending you a big cyber hug.i hope you have a lovely day. I read your blog and get great inspiration in your words. i am new to oa and am finding it really hard. thanks you for this blog which has helped me stick with it!!! i wish you all the very very best, thanks

  6. I continue to be amazed at the overlap in our lives. My dad was a very enthusiastic gardener and had an allotment where he grew veg. The garden was were he collected ornamental plants. As kids we were 'required' to help out at the allotment. I LOATHED gardening and was not at all interested in having one. Form my first home, even before I moved in, the first thing I bought was an ornamental tree and I started work on the garden before I started work on the inside! Now I am an avid gardener and will spend hours tending it :-)

    I really sense your need to attend the OA meeting. Is there something alternative you could do, meet up with one of the members (don't you have an OA buddy or similar)? Is there an on line form of OA where you could attend?

    I always have supportive cyber hugs and positive vibes for you. I am very proud of all you have achieved and continue to ask the universe to send you the resorces you need for your journey.

    Hope the class goes well, I know your students will enjoy it :-)

  7. Down Days Happen. Sometimes you both have one at the same time. I understand the simmering fury of having your husband being pissy about a houseguest, I'm sorry. And you sound overwhelmed. No big words of wisdom for you, but I do have a solution for the vegetarian guest.

    Go to
    it's a wonderful, huge blog by a talented lady. She's vegetarian, and a wonderful cook. You'll love the photographs too. Anyway, scroll down the main page and look at the recipe indexes on the left. Think about what great fresh veggies are available to you and start there.

    Also, being a vegetarian myself, I can say that I appreciate it when a host will keep things very simple, so I don't feel badly about a lot of trouble on my behalf. A pot of brown rice, some canned kidney beans heated up, and one or two fresh vegetables, steamed or raw. I would be astounded and thrilled to be served this meal when I'm away from home. Soy sauce and pepper sauce to spark things up. Simple, filling, and it respects the food for what it is. Enjoyable fuel.

    All my best to you, and I am eager to go see how the garden is coming along. Thanks for writing about that.

    Terri B-N

  8. One day at a time, and 8 tools to use. Wish I were there to have a cup of tea, but I'm at my mom's working on making abstinence the most important thing in my life just for today. See you soon!

  9. Just checking in to see how you are doing:)


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