I think I'm going to get divorced.
I feel afraid, confused, lonely, sad, excited, crazy, very lonely, critical, angry, stupid, worried, and not at all calm, centered, or peaceful.
My husband is dissatisfied with me. He doesn't like so many things about me. He doesn't like how I treat him. He says I am disrespectful and controlling of him. He says I blow smoke at him. At times he has a long litany of things I have done (or not done), said (or not said) that are wrongs I have perpetrated, seemingly maliciously, against him.
At times when he starts telling me these things, I try to defend myself verbally. That only fuels his fire and the litany gets stronger, louder, deeper. Then I get angry and mean and childish. That doesn't end the litany either. He just adds angry, mean, childish words to his litany of accusations. Then we don't talk for a while.
Finally, in the past, after thinking about it for some hours or days, I realize that I have made some mistakes. I come to a better understanding of his feelings, of how the things I did (or...etc.) might make him feel disrespected or controlled. I vow to try to be better. I try to find different ways to say the things I want to say and/or do the things I want to do, ways that incorporate respect and that are not attempts to control him.
It never works. The cycle begins again. I am not able to change myself (or him) enough to bring contentment to our relationship.
We have had 15 years together. I can not imagine 15 more years. I can not even imagine 15 more months in our current state of discontent. I'm lucky if I have 15 more years to live (in some functioning form). Yesterday I came to the conclusion that I have to end the marriage and look for contentment from within at some safe distance away from him.
How to do it? I don't have a clue. Where to go? I don't have a clue. How to make the transition away from him as peaceful and considerate to both of us as possible? I don't have a clue. How to forgive us both for our failures. That I do have a clue about.... just do it.
I'm grateful for Words Paint... a safe place.