Saturday, January 5, 2013

Contrary to the Previous Post...

I think I'm going to get divorced.

I feel afraid, confused, lonely, sad, excited, crazy, very lonely, critical, angry, stupid, worried, and not at all calm, centered, or peaceful.

My husband is dissatisfied with me. He doesn't like so many things about me. He doesn't like how I treat him. He says I am disrespectful and controlling of him. He says I blow smoke at him. At times he has a long litany of things I have done (or not done), said (or not said) that are wrongs I have perpetrated, seemingly maliciously, against him.

At times when he starts telling me these things, I try to defend myself verbally. That only fuels his fire and the litany gets stronger, louder, deeper. Then I get angry and mean and childish. That doesn't end the litany either. He just adds angry, mean, childish words to his litany of accusations. Then we don't talk for a while.

Finally, in the past, after thinking about it for some hours or days, I realize that I have made some mistakes. I come to a better understanding of his feelings, of how the things I did (or...etc.) might make him feel disrespected or controlled. I vow to try to be better. I try to find different ways to say the things I want to say and/or do the things I want to do, ways that incorporate respect and that are not attempts to control him.

It never works. The cycle begins again. I am not able to change myself (or him) enough to bring contentment to our relationship.

We have had 15 years together. I can not imagine 15 more years. I can not even imagine 15 more months  in our current state of discontent. I'm lucky if I have 15 more years to live (in some functioning form). Yesterday I came to the conclusion that I have to end the marriage and look for contentment from within at some safe distance away from him.

How to do it? I don't have a clue. Where to go? I don't have a clue. How to make the transition away from him as peaceful and considerate to both of us as possible? I don't have a clue. How to forgive us both for our failures. That I do have a clue about.... just do it.

I'm grateful for Words Paint... a safe place.


  1. So sorry to hear what you're going through. I only say this so you can understand... I am going through some rough stuff as well with our long marriage and I have often been left feeling so black, blue, and worn out. Try to understand and know this. What he sais about you and the marriage isn't true. It's about him...straight up him. And how aweful he makes you feel like crap and treat you this way to emotionally abuse you. Whether you stay or go I hope you're able to seek help for you. You don't deserve to be treated like crap. Stand up for you and tell him enough is enough! (((hugs)))

    1. Thanks for the hugs and the support, Twix. I wish you the best in your "rough stuff" too.

  2. you asked on my recent post what was going on with my husband and I left a comment there to explain.

    This post by you---it is like you are speaking my mind and feelings. But my mind and feelings when I'm very hurt and isolated and emotional. yelling obsentities like 'f*..kedy f.#k f-#k fu^^!" on a drive to the gym helps tremendously with this. Asking my friend to let me unload on her and then dumping it helps. She has not solutions , but knows how to tsk tsk and comment "I don't understand men". And that's what I need. Then later the smoke clears. Letting him 'go in his cave' and be silent to figure himself out helps. But sometimes it reaches critical mass.

    However, as my therapist said to me..this is the 'through sickness and in health part' for us. but How long will I take it? We work with the therapist together. We just don't know how to communicate well and it's taking practice.

    You may have reached critical mass and 'tipped over the cliff' or not. Now that you have said you want to end it...Give it some time. sit with it. you will figure it out.

    1. Thank you, PJ. "Til death do us part" has kept me in this; critical mass is now reached. Your advise to sit with it, give it some time is wise. Your support (You will figure it out) is a comfort.

  3. You know, I read that first sentence and cheered! You've done therapy/marriage counseling, you've sat with it, put up with it, and flat out ENDURED it. You allowed yourself to be manuvered into giving it another year, and then another. Having read you posts here, more and more it looks like you're involved with an emotional abuser. Of course you've made mistakes, too. Everyone does. But that doesn't make you equally culpable, especially when you're defending yourself. Look up WA divorce laws, arm yourself with as much information as possible, call a lawyer, and take the first step. I fear it won't be a peaceful transition, but it seems like a necessary one. You do not deserve this unhappiness!

    1. Lois... I need your voice here, your overview. It is so easy, when he's being nice (like now) to forgive and forget, to be lulled into thinking we'll be able to fix it. I am planning to investigate places to live on Monday, including moving to a different town.

    2. You don't have to stop caring about someone just because you can't stay married to him. This looks like a familiar cycle: everything's okay, then it's not, and there's all kinds of things wrong and it's all your fault, and then everything's okay again. And really, it's NOT okay, because it's all just waiting to happen all over again. Honestly, I'm not very tolerant, and I'd been out of there some time ago. I'm sad to think you'd have to leave what I think of as your "cozy island nest," but wow! What an exciting adventure it could turn out to be! We're at the point that we'll probably be leaving our home, too, for somewhere less costly to live. I love Portland, but we bought our place during the housing bubble and will never get our money back out of it. We may have to walk away... So. I've been researching all kinds of artist-friendly cities, and that's been fascinating and encouraging. Look up "artist relocation programs" and you will have quite an array of possibilities. Please let me know how things go with you. I know it's not easy because you love each other in your own ways and parting won't be easy, despite the fact that staying together has become untenable. You can forgive and still take your life back. You've been such an inspiration to me, artistically and with your strength and honesty in this blog. I wish you the very best and send good energies and strength. If there's any way I can be of help, just say the word.

  4. This is a hard post to read. It sounds like HE is controling and manipulative. Like he needs to take your power. Why else would he innumerate all of what he considers to be your faults. I don't believe in til death do us part. I think its bull. If you live in turmoil death comes sooner, one way or another.

    How to start...try a list of what will make you happy. (DO NOT include what you want him to be because that didn't work.)

    One by one, figure out how to make it happen.
    Sub-list what you need to do financially to live on your own. List any agencies that may be able to help. There must be an agency in your area that could help you through the list and guide you where to find help. Find a support group.

    You may do all that and determine to stick it out. But at least you will have researched your options.

    Good Luck Robin. You deserve to be happy, calm, centered and peaceful.
    xx, Carol

    1. Really helpful (and concrete) ideas, Carol. I like the sub-lists idea. I like the plan of researching options. This is helping me to be centered and calm (if not exactly peaceful or happy). Thank you.

  5. My friend Robin... I hope you don't mind if I offer a prayer on your behalf. I believe that as we ask for Divine help, power is released into our lives.

    May you be blessed with wisdom... to go or to stay.

    May you be given an abundance of kindness and understanding, for yourself and for your husband (whether you stay or not, and whether he reciprocates or not).

    May you be given the strength to choose to be careful with that most powerful of weapons, the words of our mouth. You will never regret NOT saying an unkind thing, and it will keep your conscience clear, whether you stay or not.

    May you be blessed with the peace of knowing that God, your higher power as you understand, LOVES YOU and only wants the best for you, and is there to comfort and guide you with these difficult decisions.

    Your friend,

  6. Oh dear Loretta. Of course I don't mind your prayer. I love it. I love it that you say it and that you wrote it out for me. I'm pasting it in word and printing it so I can read it and refer to it often. You should have seen my tense shoulders drop and relax as I read it the first time. Bless you and thank you.

  7. When I read the first sentence, my heart sank but that is the optimist in me that has been hoping that you and your husband would make it through this bad time.

    When I have difficult decisions to make I as myself really basic questions - questions that require one word answers, usually yes or no.

    Am I happy with this situation?
    Am I willing to live with it?
    Can I change it?
    Can I change me?

    I think that you have already answered some of these questions in your post.

    'Til death do us part' is a nice notion but no-one should remain in a relationship that is killing them, either physically or emotionally.

    It does not really matter if it is you who is disrespectful and controlling or if it is your husband. One of you is making the other very unhappy and that is not good for either of you.

    I am really sorry that you are going through this. I hope you find the strength to make a decision and then the courage to see it through - which every way you decide.

  8. Your answers will come to you as you give yourself the mental space you KNOW your answers...they will lead you where you need to go...

    My prayers & positive vibes are with you

  9. What can I do to help you?
    Just let me know!


  10. Robin, I have a small guest room and I can make space in my studio for you to work. Come over anytime and feel free to stay. I am wishing only the best for you and believe me, I have done this too before. Happiness is within your reach. Go for it.


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