Tuesday, January 29, 2013

The "D" word again

Don't read this if you don't want to know about my emotional response to filing divorce papers today. It just seems better to vent, to explore my muddled emotions, painting with words, than to eat.. which is what I want to do.

I (briefly) imagine myself in a bathtub FULL of decadent, dark chocolates, painting my toenails fire engine red and stuffing sweets in my mouth. That is not to be, for I am still abstinent on eating chocolate, and so far, thanks to OA, Words Paint, and wonderful, supportive friends, I haven't gained any weight or binged on anything.

Tonight though, I feel like I'm going to burst. My eyes burn with tears that won't flow. My stomach hurts. My jaws hurt. My brain hurts in its completely befuddled state. So many changes, happening so quickly.

I'm angry at the whole legal system and divorce protocol. Good grief, there is sooooooo much paper work, so many nearly incomprehensible forms... this stamped, this notarized, these numbers needed, blah, blah, blah. It's worse than doing our taxes. And here's the rub. We agree perfectly about how to divide our stuff. TOTAL, absolute agreement and harmony. Yet still we have to provide information down to the dime about everything we have in the whole world, whether acquired before or during marriage. And I'll have to go before a judge in 90+ days to present our decision; whereupon he or she will have a say about whether the court approves, and if not, how we need to change our mutual agreement. It stinks.

What's under my anger about the legal system?
I'm angry about the divorce
I'm angry we can't get along well enough to stay married

What's under my anger about not getting along?
I'm angry for getting married in the first place
when the signs were already there that it might not work

What's under my anger about getting married in the first place?
I'm angry at society, movies, song writers, story tellers
for making marriage seem so necessary for a woman

What's under my anger about being lead astray?
I'm angry for being so gullible and stupid
Not my husband's fault, not this anger

Let go of the anger. Let it flow away
downstream to the sea. Let springs of new beginnings
and adventure take its place

I guess the other major feeling is confusion. Numbness and memory loss are part of it too. We had a meeting with a County Clerk today, who we paid to help us with the forms. All except the basic petition have to be filled out and submitted to the district court by 80 days from now. I tried to take notes on everything the clerk said, but a lot of it seemed incomprehensible to me. She gave me a link to a website that might help. I hope it will.

Grief... that's part of it too... Or, maybe anger is part of the grief.  OK... well, that's the way it goes. Think I'll have a diet soda and an hour or so of sewing. That's always a calming. Thanks for reading along. Part of me wants to delete this post... but guess I'll let it show for now.


  1. It is good to write these out...it is a natural emotional path...BIG HUGS to you....and try to find the time and permission to enjoy a bath full of bubbles and painting those toe nails red and being kind to you

    1. Good to hear from you Jules, and thanks for the hugs and kind words.

  2. what can I say? what can I do.
    You are in my thoughts.

    denial. anger. bargaining. depression. acceptance.

    They are stages of grieving.
    Not linear by any means, though sometimes.

    All in one day, all in one hour, spread over a year, never finished, or carried through a lifetime.

    Simultaneous, circular, linear, repetitive, incomplete.


    1. not linear at this time, it seems, but all there together, jumbled.

      appreciate your understanding very much... thank you.

  3. Leave the post. You wrote it because it needed to be said so it wouldn't swell around in your head, hashing and rehashing what you feel. A letter to yourself to help put it behind you and think forward to what your next steps will be. I guess the emotions with follow that lead.
    Much love

    1. Ok, Carol... I'll leave the post... writing is a relief, and one of the best tools I have for recovery. Leaving it on the blog seems to help me too... gets it physically out of me. Thanks for your support.xoxo

  4. Leave the post. You never know, Robin, when your writing will help someone else down the road. We all go through changes, muddle, confusion, grief - reading about others who experience the same emotions and how they deal with them is very useful and supportive. I like the way you peeled down the layers of your anger. You acknowledge fantasies of chocolate baths solving your problems and then you don't choose that way. This is clear modeling for the rest of us - we don't have to give into the foodie fantasies because we're sad or confused. xo Peg


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