Sunday, May 19, 2013

I Just Ate Compulsively

I've been feeling blue all day. I found no solace at the OA meeting this morning, which is surprising, as generally there's at least one pearl offered and received. I found no excitement in quilting this afternoon. I went to a Contra dance, after having not danced for 15 years, and sat out half of the numbers. There were about 10 more women there than men, and I was an unknown entity. So I guess it was a given that I would find myself in that awkward wall-flower position, smile pasted on my face, growing more uncomfortable by the minute. When I got home this evening, I realized that my bra straps must have been showing all evening.... that sinking "spinach on the teeth" feeling.... the "I'm no good" feeling... the blues closing in on me.

And so, I got out a bag of dried coconut and started binging. It never even crossed my mind that "the answer is not in the bag of coconut." The driving force, the need to comfort myself, just took over. All that I've learned in OA was invisible until I ate so much coconut that I felt physical discomfort.

Isn't that ironic? I'm seeking comfort, in my old, compulsive way, and end up with greater discomfort. Right now, at this moment, I understand people who purge. I can imagine the relief. I've never purged, and most likely never will because I super hate throwing up.

Last night, when I couldn't sleep, I got out the "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous. Flipping through the stories at the end of the book, #15 caught my eye. It starts out like this:
When I had been in A.A. only a short while, an oldtimer told me something that has affected my life ever since. "A.A. does not teach us how to handle our drinking," he said. "It teaches us how to handle sobriety."
Because I eat compulsively when I experience discomfort (due to fear, boredom, loneliness, whatever), it's important for me to learn other ways to handle discomfort. OA has taught me some tricks. But tonight they were simply not in my consciousness at all. I hope, like the author of #15, that by persevering with OA, and all it offers, I will learn how to handle sobriety (in the sense of not compulsively overeating).

7 comments:

  1. Oh, I sooo understand this post. Like an old comfy pair of slippers, it is that familiar.

    It was just about 5 days ago now, that I had a new realization. I had been believing a lie, all these years. That if I went to God (or whatever source of relief one personally chooses) then that was supposed to make the pain go away. I wanted it to "go away". But it usually didn't happen like that, and I ended up going to my comfort of choice (in my case, food). And the food didn't disappoint... I DID feel better. At least in the short run. We all know how that goes. :-}

    But what I finally got, for me anyway, was that instead of asking for Him to make the pain "go away", if I had asked for help to "go through", like going thru a tunnel and out into the light at the other end, He was there for me all the time, willing any time. I was just asking for the wrong thing.

    It seems all my life I've wanted to avoid pain... and life is FULL of the stuff. It would have been better if I had asked for strength to FACE the pain... to go through, not try to always get away from it.

    I'm just learning this, so I'm sure there are more sides to it... but just thinking out loud here. One main reason I overeat is for that comfort, to soothe, to make it "go away". Yet, I suspect that going through it would actually be quicker in the long run!

    May we both be blessed with wisdom and insight to find what works for us!

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    1. Oh Retta, thanks for sharing your journey and your wisdom. Getting though pain makes so much more sense than avoiding it. Together we do get better! Think out loud on my blog ANY time... I love it and I love you.

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  2. I'm sorry you experienced this. This is that ' progressive ' part of the disease where the thought and sort of desire to purge (but not really) makes sense. All I know is that we don't want to feel those feelings, so feeling them is the answer. I don't know how to do this well either.

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    1. It's amazing to me to write something like this and receive such understanding and supportive friendship from people I've never met. It really hit home as I read your comment, PJ, that we are friends though words. Thank you.

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  3. it's ok. We've all been there, and slipped into our own bad habits that used to be usefull once but longer are. I know I have and will too for the rest of my life. What counts is that you've regrouped and given yourself another chance. Like Retta writes, it's indeed the going through that will help. I'm finding that one out each day. The best thing you did today is reach out, so people like us can go with you for a moment. I think it's the only way to get through these rough patches.

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    1. It's OK... It is wonderful to hear/read those words, because it doesn't feel OK to me, at least it didn't until reading your comment. Reaching out to people like you... I never thought of it that way, nor did I start this blog for that reason. But it is the truth. I am reaching out, and you do go with me for a moment, helping me get through these rough patches. Bless you, Dees.

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  4. When I feel I am eating more than I should, I just start visiting gym more often. After tough workout I never want to eat. In order to have enough energy for regular workouts I am taking Super Army formula by Military Grade. It gives me tone and strength like nothing else. I am able to workout as much as I want and keep great shape.

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