Monday, December 20, 2010

Floating on the Surface

going through the motions
floating on the surface
of the week before Christmas

not getting into it
not finding center
numb like the old days

and wanting to eat
standing in the kitchen
staring at the shelves

what can I eat
honey looks good
popcorn looks good too

jeans are a bit snug...
I tell myself
the old days are out

floating on the surface
feeling numb
what is this about

why do I resist Christmas
why do I hold back
why am I so sad

what do I really want
too numb to know
think about it

what do I really want
family, closeness
meaning, spirituality

depth of soul...
not on the surface...
inside where it hurts

inside where the river flows
deep inside where
I dare to care


  1. Peaceful Bird
    Maybe "the Holidays"
    Are just an idea...
    A season of hope can be born
    within us any time of year!

    Maybe these "numb days"
    are just a little "let down"
    after the whirlwind of addiction
    and abuse.
    Of course it feels bland and boring!

    And the longing and desire to join
    with something (or someone)
    in a meaningful way....
    Maybe that is a call to rejoin
    with our Higher Self!

    Even riding on the surface of a river
    can still transport you.

    Hope your day gets brighter!

  2. I wonder if you just learned from a pro. Your mother had such difficulty around the holidays, that was your example. I bet it is hard to wipe that away. I am sorry for this., Julie C

  3. Holiday time is always pushed upon us, whether we want it or not, and we're all told, by friends, family, the entire culture, how we should feel and what we should be. What if you don't feel like that? I never have.

    I love what Anne said, and I encourage you, and everyone really, to just make of it what you will, to find peace and enjoyment in spite of what everyone and everything tells you it HAS to be.

    We celebrate at this time of year because people have always welcomed the coming of longer days and more light. It's a major shift in the cycle of the world. At my house, we welcome the Solstice, lighting candles (electric ones because of playful cats) and saying "goodbye" to the old year and "greetings" to the new. We don't do gifts or trees or special food, we just enjoy a quiet, time and welcome in some joy at the end of the long dark days.

  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. I found this very touching... poignant... honest and vulnerable.

    I especially related to:
    depth of soul...
    not on the surface...
    inside where it hurts

    inside where the river flows
    deep inside where
    I dare to care

    I really believe there is a "deeper" self, there is more to each of us than others realize. Most people do see only "surface". Over the years, most people only saw the me that was morbidly obese, and their perception of what that represented.

    I only gained a measure of respect with some AFTER I started losing weight. Yet inside me all along was the same treasure, the same potential, the same spirit...

    But I guess maybe not the same measure of strength... that needed to grow and be unleashed with ferocious determination... to be willing to launch out into space, as it were, to explore what could be if I dared to give it my all, to LIVE joyfully and fully...

    Well, you really got me thinking.

    I think those are my favorite kinds of posts... the ones that reach deep down inside, drawing out hidden stuff we keep safe and private.

    Thank you.

  6. I wouldn't be me if I didn't observe that from where I sit, floating seems to be a better option than plunging (though not as good as soaring.) If you're floating, at least you're *available* for the next lifeline that comes along.

    Wishing you peace....


Thank you for taking the time to comment. I appreciate it very much.