Saturday, June 18, 2011

..."Relieve Me of the Bondage of Self"....

I opened the topic for today's OA meeting by telling the group I had reached my stated goal, yet was experiencing very mixed emotions about it. In a jumbled way I mentioned these points:
  • I felt dismay at the reactions of some... My husband, for example, said "I wish I could lose some weight" and has seemed rather aloof and cold toward me since I told him.
  • I still think of myself as "fat" or "overweight." What will it take to change that?
  • What next? There's a "let-down" feeling following completion. I wonder how athletes handle it after they win, for example, a gold medal? What is my next step? What direction do I look now? Where is my next work?
  • My achievement seems small and unimportant to me, especially compared to some I know (or know of) who have lost 90, 100, 200 pounds. What does my size 10 matter in the greater scheme of things?
  • I understand that reaching my goal doesn't mean I am "cured." If I were to return to eating my binge foods, I would regress and gain all the weight back in record time. If I do not continue to practice one day at a time and yield my will to my higher power, I will be wearing size 18-20 jeans again very soon.
  • I am afraid of complacency.
Perhaps the key to the above angst lies in prayer. I'm thinking about the 3rd step prayer, especially the line "Relieve me of the bondage of self..." What does that mean? I wish I could find a discussion of this topic on line.

For me, at the moment, it has something to do with the fences, walls, ladders and labels I surround myself with. I build walls and fences around me, which may protect me emotionally in some ways and which concurrently keep me in jail, away from discovery and change. I erect ladders that must be climbed, goal setting, yet the top of any ladder is not a stable place to stand. I label myself as fat, overweight, flabby and more, words that imprison me in discomfort.

Is this what bondage of self means? If so, I would gladly be relieved of all of it and so heartily pray.

* * * * * * *
Gratitude for today: rain last night and moss newly greened as a result, members of my OA group, fresh raspberries available now, having more energy after being sick for so long.

8 comments:

  1. I am just so in awe of you - your thoughts, your writing ability, you honesty and courage. I am envious of your size 10 jeans and so proud of you. I am so glad you are writing this blog which helps me to think about myself and how I eat and how I treat myself.

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  2. I'll be interested to read what others think about what "bondage of self" means.

    I immediately thought of a line to a Keith Green song that says: "I seem to have a wealth, Of so many thoughts about myself."

    Yet for me to make any headway on this journey, I've had to take the time to look inward, to ask the hard questions, and to think. Sometimes it feels self-absorbed, even self-indulgent. Yet... I kind of think it's necessary to take that time. To make those discoveries. To remind myself there is a time for all things.

    Oh well, in time I think it will balance out. :-)

    What's next? My sister told me recently the journey is never over... when I reach my goal, then it just changes to maintenance, and the journey continues. I'm not sure yet if that is good news or not!? :-)

    How cool that you led the meeting. I remember a time, a million years ago, when I led an OA meeting. :-)

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  3. Yeah most of the forums around the prayer are for AA.

    I had heard years ago there is self will and god's will. Self will is the choices and decisions we make trying to hold on or control etc..

    But if you think about what the 3rd step is..turn our will over it goes along that lines.. It is the bondage that we set upon ourselves by our behaviors and we need to let go

    Anyway, that is what I think it means...

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  4. Today I started drafting my own post on a similar theme but sooo different. As I sit here and think about being "done" yet never actually being done. Those last two bullet points resonate with my own thinking. It will be nice to know I have someone along with me as I navigate the next stage of my life:)

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  5. Great post. Great insight. Amazing accomplishments. As I think about the 3rd step prayer, I remember that the prayer says: "relieve me of the bondage of self." Then it continues: "that I may better do thy will." I also remember that after the 3rd step comes the 4th step. Perhaps some of the relief from the bondage of self comes from doing an inventory.

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  6. My thoughts too. After the 3rd step is the 4th step. I feel your work has really only begun. for me it is mostly a spiritual dilema. Losing weight did not fill the hole in my heart or my soul. Robing with your honesty and willingness you can do this. We have to be open to try new things even when we are afraid.

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  7. An interesting post. "bondage to self"

    I read this post when you wrote it, but did not comment because I couldn't quite get the words formed. Still can't, really, but I don't want to leave it any longer.

    Bondage to self is different than self-awareness, I think. In Christianity, we talk about dying to self and living for Christ. I think the key for me lies in that concept.

    The thought of turning my focus on living for Christ rather than indulging carnal cravings and obsessions. That painful fixation of what we're lacking and what we're feeling. Ack.

    We often speak of people who are so self-conscious that they are not able to function easily in front of others or move easily thru life, for that matter. Bondage to self--I think goes hand in hand with self-consciousness.

    Freedom--from self, from unreasonable expectations, from--well--from bondage. Being able to take a deep breath and enjoy the moment. Being able to glide thru life, regardless of it's pain or joy, without dragging one's 'self' along and being distracted by it's selfish fussing.

    Like I said, interesting post. Eventually, I'll be able to form the words for a coherent response. Maybe not today. :}

    Thanks for stopping by my blog and for your support.

    Deb

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  8. yes you got it !!! you also taught me about bondage of self thank you

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