Funny how there's ingrained shame around the "D" word. I even have trouble writing it. Divorce. There I put it in print.
you and I start down a road
the surface is a bit bumpy
but we look ahead
towards our beautiful dream
together we withstand the bumps
we try different speeds
different sides of the road
whatever it takes we say
the road seems more rutted
many deep pot holes and rocks
the dream no longer sustains us
despair grows as resolve dwindles
until finally we say
we can't go on like this
we've reached the end of this road
so we turn onto different roads
we've left the big rocks behind
traveling now on gravel
looking ahead to smooth pavement
looking back to a lost dream
Saying goodby to dreams. Our divorce should finalize around the date we met, 16 years ago. Back then, almost immediately, I fell in love and began to dream of our future together. When we married 3 years later, our dream (or at least mine) was to spend the rest of our lives together, our love, understanding, respect, and companionship growing with each year. OK.... nothing unusual about that. Everyone has a dream like that when they marry. And many see it come to an end.
Why then do I feel so alone in this? Why is the finality so disheartening? Why do I look at him and want nothing more than to call if all off, saying "please forgive me, it was all a mistake?"
I made an offer on a house yesterday. Will it be accepted? Will it meet the inspection? Will my financial security be lost, spent on buying a home, upkeep and the doubled costs of living alone? Will I get along OK alone? Will I have the emotional and physical stamina to do the move? Did I make an OK decision about the house? I don't know.
There isn't a dream ahead of me with this move, like the ones in the past. Or, at least, it's not clear what the new dream is. My friends might say, "the new dream is peace, contentment, balance, harmony." I must try to keep that in sight.
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PS... Update 3 PM, Jan. 25th, 2013... Just found out my offer on the house was accepted. Next is the inspection. Closing is scheduled for 2-28.... moving on.... Oh my heavens, I'm a nervous Nelly at the moment.