Friday, January 25, 2013

The "D" Word

Funny how there's ingrained shame around the "D" word. I even have trouble writing it. Divorce. There I put it in print.

you and I start down a road
the surface is a bit bumpy
but we look ahead
towards our beautiful dream

together we withstand the bumps
we try different speeds
different sides of the road
whatever it takes we say

the road seems more rutted
many deep pot holes and rocks
the dream no longer sustains us
despair grows as resolve dwindles

until finally we say
we can't go on like this
we've reached the end of this road
so we turn onto different roads

we've left the big rocks behind
traveling now on gravel
looking ahead to smooth pavement
looking back to a lost dream

Saying goodby to dreams. Our divorce should finalize around the date we met, 16 years ago. Back then, almost immediately, I fell in love and began to dream of our future together. When we married 3 years later, our dream (or at least mine) was to spend the rest of our lives together, our love, understanding, respect, and companionship growing with each year. OK.... nothing unusual about that. Everyone has a dream like that when they marry. And many see it come to an end.

Why then do I feel so alone in this? Why is the finality so disheartening? Why do I look at him and want nothing more than to call if all off, saying "please forgive me, it was all a mistake?"

I made an offer on a house yesterday. Will it be accepted? Will it meet the inspection? Will my financial security be lost, spent on buying a home, upkeep and the doubled costs of living alone? Will I get along OK alone? Will I have the emotional and physical stamina to do the move? Did I make an OK decision about the house? I don't know.

There isn't a dream ahead of me with this move, like the ones in the past. Or, at least, it's not clear what the new dream is. My friends might say, "the new dream is peace, contentment, balance, harmony." I must try to keep that in sight.

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PS... Update 3 PM, Jan. 25th, 2013... Just found out my offer on the house was accepted. Next is the inspection. Closing is scheduled for 2-28....  moving on.... Oh my heavens, I'm a nervous Nelly at the moment.


  1. The dream, from past experience, is just about YOU...hardest dream to grasp but most rewarding!

    hugs and support

  2. Sorry to read this, Robin but know that you have bot come to this decision lightly. I'm sure the coming weeks will not be easy. I am channelling some of my strength to you.

  3. Sounds like a normal reaction to me... looking back at a dream, remembering... and wishing it was still real, wanting it back. Not wanting the finality of those official court papers to arrive and make it "real", the loss of one dream, having to say goodbye to it.

    One dream... and now you will nurture a new one. A new dream. I like what your Friends would say, and would add Joy to the bouquet.

    You might need the healing power of tears now, with their release and acceptance; but sooner than you would expect, Joy will sneak up on you, Robin. I think it will come gently, quietly at first. Later it will fill you with new energy and zest. And new dreams.

    Hugs and prayers for you. :-)

  4. "please forgive me, it was all a mistake". That was a telling phrase to read.

    It's not your fault. You certainly tried. You don't say what he said about the decision. No matter...this is about you. Take a deep breath. There is a future and dreams will come. I suspect they will involve peace and calm and being yourself again. Be kind to yourself. You're gonna be just fine.
    xx, Carol

  5. Gosh, Robin, is Carol our other sister? She said exactly what I was thinking. "Peace and calm and being yourself again." There are many people who love and support you, including me. IMUA! Forward! xo Peg

  6. Dear, sweet Robin - No one can say you two did not try. I hope your new life is filled with all the good, right things. A new house is a great metaphor for a new start! I love that part for you!


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