After catching up a bit on travels and family news, we got on the subject of being me in a partnership or marriage... of being who I am rather than what I perceive he wants me to be. We've both experienced some difficulties in that department... maintaining identity and purpose, making decisions for the good of self, freedom of expression. A delicate balance that seems too often to get tipped in favor of the spouse... his identity, his purpose, his needs. It has to be a two-way deal, of course. We have to bend, of course. But what about when we are feeling that our very essence is lost?
Hey, I'm not on a pitty-pot here about my marriage. Hiding who I am, hiding my feelings, not expressing my needs goes way back to childhood years for me. And very early in life, I learned to sooth the me in hiding with sweets. A life-time pattern, it carried right into my late-in-life marriage. I don't need to assert myself or stand up for myself when I can run to the kitchen and slather peanut butter and jelly and butter on a couple of pieces of toast, do I?
Well no more. On the way home from our lunch, I started thinking about a passage in Holy Hunger, where the author, Margaret Bullitt-Jonas, wrote this in her journal:
...On that momentous morning, I leaped out of bed in a rage. I put on loud music... Sometimes music can startle me awake. Sometimes when the boat is becalmed and the sails hang limp, music can blow wind into my sails... I stood with my feet planted firmly on the ground and proclaimed one simple fact. I announced one basic truth: This is my life. My life belongs to me and to no one else. It is mine. I will face it, choose it, work with it. I will not live someone else's life; I will live my own.Holy Hunger is such an important book for me right now!!! I love typing the passage above. It resonates and says it's OK to want to be me, to begin a discovery of who I am!