Wednesday, April 28, 2010

I Want to Write About Faith...

Today my emotions are all over the map... One minute I'm elated, bouncing around, getting things done. The next minute I'm hurt by some little thing my husband said. Then there's the crabby me... grumpy and wanting solitude. Oh, there's more... here comes the gloomy me, feeling sorry for myself and the world.

I guess this is to be expected. It's only day-12 of my sobriety. Not even close to being a habit yet, sobriety is still a big change for me. Nothing to dull my emotions, so they go all wonky. My husband is being pretty understanding about it, for which I'm very grateful.

Maybe prayer would help settle me down a bit, pull me together, make me feel less wonky... Prayer and the God/higher power thing will probably occupy a considerable space here in my journal, in my heart and thinking, in the forseeable future.

I came into OA knowing that I need and want to find a spiritual connection and a sense of trust in some stronger other, outside of myself. What do I believe right now? Hmmmm. Most of the time I believe that there exists a force of greater good in the universe. But today I'm finding it difficult to believe and trust even that much. Most of the time I believe in the concept of totem animals, that an animal spirit is with me since my birth and is available as a guide when I am open to it. How can I get to a spiritual place?

Poetry and writing my own poems help. Here is one by David Whyte that says better than I can how I'm feeling.

I want to write about faith,
about the way the moon rises
over cold snow, night after night,

faithful, even as it fades from fullness,
slowly becoming that last curving and impossible
sliver of light before the final darkness.

But I have no faith myself
I refuse it the smallest entry.

Let this then, my small poem,
like a new moon, slender and barely open,
be the first prayer that opens me to faith.

I want to be open to faith. Someone in my OA group said to pray whether or not you believe. Good idea! And so, my prayer is this: Let this simple journal entry be the first prayer that opens me to faith.


  1. I've gone through so many stages and levels on the higher power/ God thing. I too, like the animal totems -I've used the "Animal Speak" book and cards. Over the years, I've pushed and pulled God away and closer to me, back and forth. I've felt just nothing at times. At other, I've had clear signs through nature, animals, meditations, synchronicity, church fellowship, prayer, writing letters to God, opening a blog and feeling someone else is right there and inspired by God to talk to me directly. lots of things. sometimes just a dragonfly. The Blog on my list Coffee, Tea, Books, and ME has helped me so much in understanding and having more belief and interest in the traditional Christian based God. I read the bible and feel scared. My husband teaches bible study and I know God works through him to help me and our class really get it.

    So I think, this is a path that can give you strength and hope and faith. It isn't linear. It may be lonely. Maybe it's just that poem. Maybe the moon. Maybe OA. Since animals speak to you, I encourage you to go in to nature..write a note or say a prayer and ask for guidance first and see what happens. Be open only for the highest good.

  2. What an incredibly thought provoking post...that poem really resonated with me. I often feel the presence of God in the profound beauty of nature, but I would have to honestly say that I am completely lacking the faith that might connect me to this. It's a scary thought, to give oneself over to a higher power or God. It's easy for me to believe in God, but it's a whole different thing for me to believe that I am significant in any way to this God. I can't begin to imagine what it would be like to experience the peacefulness that faith must provide. I see that peace in my Mom who is deeply spiritual. I wish I knew the path to faith...perhaps it might start by being thankful. Maybe acknowledging God's part in all that is wonderful in my life, I can begin to place my trust and even my faith in God.


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