I guess this is to be expected. It's only day-12 of my sobriety. Not even close to being a habit yet, sobriety is still a big change for me. Nothing to dull my emotions, so they go all wonky. My husband is being pretty understanding about it, for which I'm very grateful.
Maybe prayer would help settle me down a bit, pull me together, make me feel less wonky... Prayer and the God/higher power thing will probably occupy a considerable space here in my journal, in my heart and thinking, in the forseeable future.
I came into OA knowing that I need and want to find a spiritual connection and a sense of trust in some stronger other, outside of myself. What do I believe right now? Hmmmm. Most of the time I believe that there exists a force of greater good in the universe. But today I'm finding it difficult to believe and trust even that much. Most of the time I believe in the concept of totem animals, that an animal spirit is with me since my birth and is available as a guide when I am open to it. How can I get to a spiritual place?
Poetry and writing my own poems help. Here is one by David Whyte that says better than I can how I'm feeling.
I want to write about faith,
about the way the moon rises
over cold snow, night after night,
faithful, even as it fades from fullness,
slowly becoming that last curving and impossible
sliver of light before the final darkness.
But I have no faith myself
I refuse it the smallest entry.
Let this then, my small poem,
like a new moon, slender and barely open,
be the first prayer that opens me to faith.
I want to be open to faith. Someone in my OA group said to pray whether or not you believe. Good idea! And so, my prayer is this: Let this simple journal entry be the first prayer that opens me to faith.