Buckets of Tums

Holy Hunger by Margaret Bullitt-Jonas is the catalyst that brought me, finally, to the realization that I am a compulsive overeater and that there is hope for recovery through the 12-step program of Overeaters Anonymous. Bless you, MBJ!

On page 81 she includes one of her journal entries. Here is a passage I underlined from that entry:

I'm plugged up with food. My legs are swollen. They ache when I walk. My cheeks are fat. My stomach bulges. I hate my body. I'm ashamed of what I've done to it so quickly, so ruthlessly. There is much despair within the greed.... Even as I stuffed myself, I knew it was hopeless. The cake would never fill me. Even if I loosened my belt and ate again until I bulged, still I'd be yearning for more. There is such despair in knowing this, even as I continue to eat... I am bloated, burping, uncomfortable. I skirt the grief.

I so relate. I've been there, done that and felt the shame/despair and skirted it. With every binge, even mild meal-time overeating, I'd get the most terrible indigestion and heart burn. Horrible! I'd gobble tums, take antacid tablets, and then more tums. Everyday, multiple tums. Good calcium source, I'd rationalize to myself. Yeah, like bones are my problem!

Today, day-10 of sobriety, I suddenly realize I haven't had a single tums in 9 days, not one! Not suffering indigestion and heart burn is definitely a benefit of not puting more in my tummy than my body needs!!!!

Oh, and by the way, I remained abstinent today at the restaurant. Gotta remember humility... getting too smug and thinking I can do this might start to look like the old diet days when I thought I could control my eating. My husband helped me by offering not to eat pancakes. My OA group helped by being there in my mind, their understanding and support surrounding me in some way I can hardly fathom.