All the diets... all the pounds lost, recorded and charted pound-by-pound, then gained without measuring until one day my big-big-girl jeans are so tight I can't stand it. So I get on the scale, face the fact of my highest ever weight, and the cycle begins all over again. How many cycles like that in my life? I don't want to estimate. It's staggering.
I've got will power! Yes, I do. I can do the diets. They all work, because I stick to them. But I am a compulsive overeater and one day, sooner or later, my will power fades, the binges begin again and the pounds come back. Overeaters Anonymous calls it a progressive and incurable disease. Whatever it is, I absolutely know that I can not beat it with will power and diets.
Today is my 10th day of sobriety. I actually think of it that way. Abstinence from compulsive overeating is sobriety in my book. Today I will face my first real challenge of abstinence. My husband and our neighbors are going out for breakfast at a place where we have always enjoyed having pancakes. Although my husband offered to abstain from pancakes and syrup, I told him that I am the one who needs to abstain and that I must get used to having non-binge-trigger foods while those around me are having the very things I will not eat. I pray for assistance with this challenge.
What I really want to address in this post is the scale. I've been thinking about the scale for 10 days, wondering if I should weigh and record my weight. OA guidelines suggest weighing once a month. However, I don't want OA to be all about weight loss. My weight is the result of compulsive overeating, yes. But under my binges and overeating is a deep hole. It is this lonely, frightening, sad place that I want to address.
So I think I will let go of the scale. Let go of the pounds, at least for now. The goal of abstinence is not weight loss for me right now. The goal is sanity!