Before when I’ve been on a diet, I never faced the compulsive part of my eating… I just managed my food for a time. But the compulsive part of me sat back quietly (or sometimes not so quietly) waiting for a time when its voice could promise me solace again and I would turn from managing my food in a healthy way to overeating and frequent sugar binges.
Well, now I hit bottom. I don’t want to be trapped by compulsive eating anymore. It is killing me. I am sick to death of it. I am killing myself… probably both literally… my health robbed of it’s prime by the type of eating I do and the weight I carry around… but more importantly my essence killed. Murdered with food. Hidden away. Denied. Strong words. I believe it is true.
So hard to know what I really want. What I've wanted for 65 years has been ignored while I substituted readily available "foods" with fat and sugar in them. Well, I can’t have X, so I’ll have candy. At some point I started to lose track of what I want… didn’t even comprehend any specifics. Just a vague feeling of wanting, which could immediately be dulled by sweets.
How bad is it tonight? Two double-scoop, chocolate ice cream cones back-to-back from Baskin & Robbins? Oh yes? Well, OK. What did I really want a week ago when I devoured a chocolate/chocolate Dove Bar purchased at the drug store, followed immediately by a Dove candy bar from the grocery store??? I haven’t a clue. Not a clue at all.
The voices said I deserved to eat these wonderful chocolate things one more time before I became abstinent. Well, that’s the way with the voices… they know what to say to get me to overeat compulsively. They know how to make it sound so sensible. The voices happen when I feel empty and denied and trapped. I feel trapped today and there is no solace in sugar. I just have to sit with feeling trapped and let it be there, like it or not.
Ten things I want…
- I want to connect with a higher power, to find another name for it, to experience trust and faith. Is there really a basic goodness I can tap into and ask for help? Is there really a power greater than I which will help me?
- I want to connect with my feelings and feel them. I want to know what I want.
- I want to be at peace with who I am and where I am. That’s a tall order. It requires finding a space where I don’t feel trapped.
- I want to take care of my body and give it a chance to flourish and live well.
- I want to paint.
- I want to bead.
- I want to sew.
- I want to let go of worry.
- I want to be more open to love from many sources, to receive it, acknowledge it, take it in and wrap myself with it.
- I want to go visit Mom again.