Friday, October 15, 2010

Where Is Home?

Recently, Jules, Big Girl Bombshell, wrote an excellent post about the spiritual element of health and weight loss (here), which inspired me to write the following:

Mind * Body * Spirit
and of these
we try so diligently
to make it
all about the mind
all about mind control

I agree with you, Jules
the spirit part
while we struggle
with our minds

like you, I want
to write about faith
to uncover spirit
for without it
my body and mind
are empty

I am home now, home from 4,046 miles of solo driving, across five big states and back again. Home? Where is home? Was I home in Minnesota, the land where I grew up, the place where most of my small family still lives, my mother, two brothers, two nieces, a nephew and a grand nephew, a place where just two weeks ago I felt comfortable, accepted, totally loved?

It's almost weird being back on the island, in my own home with my husband, who couldn't say he missed me, who doesn't like so many things about me, where sometimes, I tip-toe around in fear of displeasing him. Can this be home?

What can I change? How can I make this place where I live feel like home. Doesn't it seem the answer lies in the realm of the spirit, in opening my heart? Closing to my husband over the years, no matter the why of it, feeling open in Minnesota, feeling closed again now, my heart aches.


  1. I wonder what we would say if we were friends and talked about this.

    Its not so trite...Home Is Where The Heart Is. After reading your last paragraph I am so sad for you. Is Minnesota home beause its easier there?

    Why couldn't your husband say he missed you? Didn't he? Or is it that he couldn't SAY it? To me, the answer to THAT question holds the key to your future with him.
    What do YOU think?

  2. I thought Carol's comment was very insightful. Until your post, I never equated spirit and home. I guess I am so not-spiritual at all that mostly it doesn't figure into things for me. Some might suggest that is why I am still struggling with my eating. (But not this week!)

  3. Me again. Now that got me thinking about husbands and spirit and eating. Is there an emotional piece to it being so much easier for me to eat well this week with my husband gone?! Hmmm.

  4. Oh thanks for the shout out..Part of Recovering Me has been to learn that it is how I RESPOND or REACT NOT their actions. THAT is hard but that is how to get home! xoxo..


  5. You have some wonderful posters here, dear friend, leaving you with potent words for thought...

    Just wanted you to know I was here, reading, *listening* to your heart from afar, understanding so much of what you say.

    I had a strong feeling that all those miles would bring some clarity.

  6. Maybe this is not the homecoming you'd hoped for, and maybe, by asking those questions, your heart and spirit already know the answers. This has been a year of changes for so many people I know, and sometimes those changes haven't been happy ones. I wish you all the best, Peacefulbird. Speaking only for myself, I can say that Home is where I make it, and what I make of it. I hope you can find yourself at home, too.

  7. For those of us who don't live where we grew up, I'm not sure any other place will ever have quite the same feeling for us? I do feel at home here...when we come back from the valley and drive over the last hill and see the ocean again, I do feel a sense of being home, but when we visit my mom and I drive along the roads I traveled as a child, there's a feeling of familiarity that I've rarely experienced since.

  8. Since I was small I changed places almost like a gipsy. At some places I felt at home, at others I did not. I would certainly agree to the saying "Home is where the heart is".

    But when it comes to a relationship where one partner tiptoes around, afraid of displeasing the other, it would occur to me that the partnership has deteriorated to a large degree. Do try to come to a decision, Peacebird, don't allow your soul to be damaged! A home should not be a place for a person to be destroyed in one way or another.

    Hoping that my words are not too crude, be assured, dear Peacebird, that my heart and good wishes are with you.

  9. Oh, dear PB, I hear your confusion and pain, and I can relate. I almost have it the other way around; my husband says the words, but I don't feel it spiritually from him, because I don't think he has a clue who I really am. Is that his fault or mine? That's my confusion. He loves who he thinks I am, that's the pain.

    I don't think that you and I are the only ones in a dilemma such as this.


  10. Robin, I can feel the ache in your heart through your posting. I send you virtual hugs and energetic soft surrounding comforting light. I'm encouraged for you that you have such a gift of expressing your feelings. Your heart is soft and open.

    I am reminded of the process you used to decide whether to get married - improvisational beading - and I suspect that your personal art practice will lead you to absolute clarity on this next decision.

    I am coming to believe that our only home is within. I see that it is where our spirit resides. The clear connection to what is true about us, that we each at our essence are loving energy, gives that sturdy sense of our world being intact.

    It sounds like your family reflects your own loving essence back to you, and it feels like home. Your husband is not able to do that right now, and where you live doesn't feel like home.

    Keep your eyes on your own loving essence, your true being, stay centered in the home of your own beating heart. Warm blessings.

  11. Peacefulbird, I have thought a little further, and just wish to ask you something: Did you miss your husband while on your road trip? And if so, did you tell him when you got back?

  12. You asked me once if I believe in prayer.
    And yes I do - very much....
    But in a different way than I once did.
    Both the form and the content
    of my prayers are changing - evolving....

    I try to not "ask" for things....
    But rather - I am learning to ask myself
    what those things represent.

    And the answer is always "LOVE!"
    And so my "true" prayers are more like the times
    I can be aware of the Love that we all crave.

    But it isn't in food (we know this)
    Or anything (or anyone) that cannot love us back!

    Stay strong, PeacefulBird!


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