Feeling Better Today

Lists please me... so here's my list for today: Things That Make Me Feel Better Today

1. Seeing pictures of all the beautiful and creative beaded projects being made by women in this year's Bead Journal Project! My creative energy is either at an all-time low, or it's being absorbed into making choices. Seeing BJP beadwork makes me feel happy and inspired... a glimmer of my muse is back!
2. Walking this morning. Very low fog this morning, the woods shrouded in mist, a soft silence all around me. Loved it.
3. Blueprint of my new home to be... Yesterday, I took a small floor plan of my new home to a copy/printer place, and had it enlarged to 17 x 22 inches. WOW! It's so fun to see it big like that. I'm going to measure furnishings and make little scale representations so I can play with the layout, especially of my studio stuff, before I get it over there.
4. Thinking about a furniture recon trip on Monday. When I moved out of my home of 24 years and into the very small (and already filled) home of my husband, I gave away or sold a lot of my furniture. For my new digs, I'll need a dining room table and chairs, a bed, a sofa, a small easy chair, a couple of floor lamps, and more over time. On Monday, I'm going off island to shop for these things... probably won't actually buy yet, but it will be fun to look and fun to anticipate having new stuff, especially since I've always furnished in used, self-finished, or make-shift pieces, fondly called eclectic.

I like this table!

Yesterday was hard, signing the divorce papers, making it "official." I went to bed feeling sorry for myself, and had weird dreams about not being able to find my friends and getting lost. But now, at 3:04 in the afternoon on Wednesday, Feb. 30, 2013, life seems pretty good.

Been in a slump for a while. Have doubts about my ability to do justice to the book I'm currently writing. Wanting it to be really good and really comprehensive, but not quite knowing how to pull it all together. Sometimes it's overwhelming. Sometimes I get bored with it, especially with working on the images, the step-out pictures, in Photoshop. To say it's tedious work is a terrible understatement. My photographic skills and my equipment aren't really up to the job, so I have to spend hours (no exaggeration) working on each photo in Photoshop and still they're not as good as I'd like. Sounds like a gripe. Is a gripe!

Had an accident with my motorcycle a week ago. Damaged my spirits as well as my bike and my foot. Lucky I'm not in a cast though. Spirit damage just adds to the book anxiety.

Then there's my family... three brothers and their wives, sister, 2 nieces, 2 nephews and possibly 1 grandnephew... arriving here next week to scatter Mom's and Dad's ashes. We're not the closest family in many ways, emotionally as well as geographically. I'm nervous about how it will go. My house is a mess... haven't really cleaned, except for the quickest necessities, since I started the book on July 1st. Have never hired a house cleaner, but do have somebody coming on Friday. Expensive, but a blessing, I think. Food, transportation, sleep... all issues. Think I was crazy when I suggested we do it here. Akkkk. Didn't know then that I'd be in the middle of book deadlines now. I guess the cup-half-full news is: I'll get a 1-week break from working on the book. The cup-half-empty news is: I'll have one less week to get everything done for the next deadline.

Obviously, there are some food challenges ahead. I've decided to write a few sentences when I find myself in the kitchen, opening cupboard doors and looking in the refrigerator. OK, so I can eat. But before I do, I will write a couple of sentences in a little kitchen notebook. Maybe I'll choose not to eat after I write. We'll see. It's an experiment.

As I well know, one tool to help me to not overeat and to feel better is gratitude. The earlier paragraphs sound like the cup is more than half empty. So here's my list for today... 10 Things
I'm Grateful For:

1. kindness, people who are kind to me, especially my women friends
   
2. the two people who fought McDonald's in the libel suit and the great documentary movie made about it (McLibel)
3. everyone in my OA group
4. women who make spirit-based art, quilts, etc.
5. our garden
6. our firewood supply and my husband for doing the work
7. Julie, Jennifer and Karen (my sisters-in-law)
8. Janet and her contribution toward sun bear rescue efforts
9. Mt. Rainier and Mt. Baker
10. Captain Jack
11. One year+ of abstinence from my binge foods... a huge blessing!
    

Do I feel better? Perhaps, a little. Time to get some sleep. Good night, world.

Urge to Eat is on Me... Right NOW!

Time out from book work for Peaceful Bird to have a chat with self in Words Paint.... Been working all morning on the book. Not writing. Haven't tried that yet. But have been working with the project pictures in Photoshop. It's tedious work. Not very creative. I take a dark picture, work levels and brightness until the subject matter looks good. Then I fix blemishes, mostly with the rubber stamp. Next, I fix the dark corners that my sweet little camera always has when doing macro photography. Then comes the hard, woefully time-consuming, and boring part... I add a layer and use it to get rid of the background, so the subject (beads) are on a perfectly white background, yet have sharp edges. Sometimes the process takes 3 or more hours for one photo. Who knew I was signing up for this when I took on the book?

I hear the resentment and entitlement in my own voice. Yep. Resenting the time it takes to do this work. Resenting the boredom I feel while I'm doing it. Resentment begets feelings of entitlement and feelings of entitlement send me right to the kitchen... If I have to do this then I should get that (that being food, of course). Let's examine the wisdom of allowing resentment into this otherwise productive day...

What if I choose to look at gratitude instead? What if I make a gratitude list surrounding my work so far this morning? OK, here we go again... 10 Things for which I feel gratitude regarding my work this morning:

1. I've been able to figure out how to use Photoshop to fix photos.
2. My fingers, particularly right-index finger, are not aching today (arthritis in hiding).
3. The pictures look really good when I finish them.
4. I had a nice break and took a walk up the hill to the mail box.
5. Robert rubbed my shoulders for a few moments.
6. My back isn't hurting too much today.
7. In a couple more hours, I'll get to check one series of step-out photos off my list!
8. Good sleep last night. Feeling rested today.
9. Coffee tastes good. Enjoyed my morning coffee.
10. Computer is working well today.

OK, well that feels better. I don't feel quite so resentful now. Good idea to come here and write. Maybe I won't have to visit the kitchen after all. Ha!

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Gratitude for today: 10 Things Lists, my friend Liz (who started me making 10 Things Lists), sunshine, crisp fall air, all flowers, driftwood, support of readers of WP.

Down, Up, Down

First, I have to say how surprised and grateful I am to be receiving comments, especially such helpful and supportive ones, when I'm not even visiting other blogs right now. The comments to yesterday's post gave me lots to ponder, especially the reminder that under resentments there is usually fear.

So I've been thinking about that. What are the fears, and under them, what is my deepest fear? How can my husband's displeasure with me have such a profound affect on me? I balk at writing anything.... afraid to look at it or honestly not knowing what it is? OK, what MIGHT it be. Ten things I might be afraid of when I feel resentment and anger toward my husband:

1. I am in prison, controlled by a somewhat benevolent jailor.
2. I am incapable of pleasing him.
3. If he is not pleased with me, then I am not OK as a person.
4. I do not perceive he cares about me; therefore I am not worthy of kindness.
5. I do not perceive he respects me; therefore I am not worthy of respect.
   
6. I made a mistake when I hooked up with this man.
7. I am not capable of maintaining a healthy marriage.
8. I am not free; I am under his control.
9. I don't know how to maintain boundaries.
10. I don't know how to get what I need and want in this marriage.

That's a pretty serious list of fears. Now what? There are probably more fears involved and possibly the fear that's under the list is something to do with being abandoned. Maybe it's that if I took myself out of jail by setting and maintaining boundaries, he would abandon me. I'm confused by this thought, because it seems he's already, long ago, abandoned me emotionally, maybe never was there emotionally, never was really interested in me as a person, except in what I can do for him. That's how it feels. Maybe it's not true. I don't really know anything right now, except that I feel scared, resentful, angry, hurt and forsaken in this time of need.

The oddest thing of all is that he'd probably say the same thing about me... that I abandon him and forsake him in his time of need.

Well, no light bulbs tonight. That's the way it goes sometimes...

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Gratitude for the day: some decent book progress today, lunch with a friend, women friends in general, writing, amazing digital cameras (little things that don't cost much and take really good pictures)

When I'm Stuck...

Off and on, for about 20 years, I've been writing morning pages... well, sort of like morning pages. Technically speaking, according to Julia Cameron in the Artist's Way, we need to write every day (did for a few months, rarely since then), in the morning (rarely), three full pages (often four) and in longhand (half the time on my computer). The only part I do consistently is write from my stream of consciousness, uncensored... whatever comes along gets written.

When I get stuck, I often write, "What am I blocking; what don't I want to write?" And that seems to bring forth whatever it is.

Tonight when I signed in, I realized I haven't posted here for four days. Stuck. What am I blocking; what don't I want to write? I don't want to write about failures. I don't want to write about how it feels like I'm slipping in so many areas. I don't want to write about how I get insights about how to live more mindfully, with more gratitude, with less clutter, with more honesty and above all with less overeating. I have a moment or two of compliance.

Then I slip, slop, slide down the hill into my old ways.

My sister-in-law is in a mindfulness group, learning how to eat mindfully among other things. She takes time before eating to smell her foods and to look at them with appreciation. She takes time to give thanks to every growing/living thing that contributed to her meal. She swallows every bite completely before putting more in her mouth.

What a great way to eat, eh? Yes! I remembered to eat like that only one time. I don't want to write about all the times I start a program that obviously will benefit me, then fall away from it. I don't want to write about how falling away from one thing contributes to falling away from others.

I don't want to write about how much I need to embrace imperfection. I guess there's a part of me, maybe even a big part of me, that wants to be perfect. A dear OA friend gave me a book on that subject*... maybe it will help. I seem to be in a critical, judgmental mood tonight. Antidote: list 10 things I'm grateful for...

1. sunshine today
2. my two quilting-beading-stitching buddies
3. shooting star flowers
4. all the beautiful colors and textures of moss
5. people who work diligently, carefully and cleanly
6. our cat
7. people I don't even know who support my artistic process
8. morning pages
9. a book on embracing imperfection
10. my husband

In case my husband is reading this, these are not in any particular order ;>)

I'm still feeling stuck and critical, but maybe a little less so.

*The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown. One thing she says that makes a lot of sense to me is that "shame loves secrecy." Maybe that's part of the reason why both an AA-based program and blogging help me. I can't live in hiding, in a state of shame, so much when I blog and go to meetings.

Happy New Year - Take 2

Oh dear, now I'm on backtrack mode about the happy new year thing from my previous post. It seems my husband and other readers took it that I don't like to say or hear "Happy new year," like the Grinch who stole goodness away from the whole year and slapped hands for even thinking about pleasure and happiness. Erg! My fault; I wasn't very clear.

Actually, I don't mind saying or hearing that friendly, well-wishing greeting at all. In fact, I say it a lot, like when I answer the phone or shopping at the store, buying a coffee, on blogs. And I mean it. For everyone (myself included) I wish for good times ahead, a year where love, peace, joy, good health, and happy times flow amply. Positive thinking is a good thing and greetings like this are likely to contribute to more happiness in the world through psychology's concept of self-fulfilling prophecy or the ripple effect.

So when I wrote: I've been slightly bothered by the phrase "Happy new year," I didn't mean bothered as in irritated or annoyed, rather more in the sense of perplexed. Saying and hearing it so often at this time of year makes me think about happiness in general and the pursuit of it.

This seems to be a good opportunity to look at my own need to be happy and what I do to get there. Ten things I did in pursuit of happiness in the past (and with a few exceptions in the present as well):

1. Eat sweets, especially chocolate.
2. Shop for shoes or clothes.
3. Call a friend.
4. Buy art supplies.
5. Write morning pages.
6. Cook a special, fancy dinner; maybe invite friends.
7. Go out for breakfast, lunch or dinner with my husband or a friend.
8. Call my parents or sibling.
9. Bake cookies, cake, sweet bread, etc.
10. Play card games on my computer.

Huh! A bunch of these things have to do with food. Well, that's no surprise. Using food to medicate is a life-long habit. Just thinking with my keyboard here...

what's under my behaviours
avoidance
avoidance of
loneliness, boredom, grief, despair

and what's under my avoidance
maybe a sense of entitlement
a sense that I deserve to be happy

and what's under my sense of entitlement
maybe it's ego, a strength of will
seeking control

shall I look at
avoidance, entitlement and control
from a different perspective
shall I say instead
a whole me
notices what is
and accepts lack of control

what if I let myself feel despair
stop trying to push it away
invite it into my heart
allow it to be a part of me

and despair is just one
shame, anger, loneliness, sadness and fear
are her sisters
I push them all away
maybe in small part
because of some intrinsic belief
that I need always to be happy

maybe if I don't run
from anti-happiness
maybe then
happy will be all the brighter
when it's with me

The Question Is....

A dear friend from the other side of the country sent me a beautiful card recently. Much more beautiful than the card is her support, her reminder that I'm finding my way one day at a time, and a quote she included by Eugene Ionesco:

It is not the answer
that enlightens,
but the
question.

Immediately I thought of a book I'd seen in one of those holiday catalogs, The Power of an Open Question, The Buddha's Path to Freedom, by Elizabeth Mattis-Namgyel. The description says:

Deep insight can result from
simply asking a difficult-to-resolve question --
whether the question is
ever satisfactorily "answered"
or not.

The author's intriguing premise is
that the very process
of questioning
can itself
teach us openness, wonder,
and the ability to live
in the present.

The coincidence here is too important to be ignored, so today I put the book on my "wish list" for my husband to get me for Christmas. Maybe I can't wait. Maybe I need to order it right now. Or, what if most of what I need is already in the title and description?

Ten Things List coming up! Ten unanswered questions in my life right now:

1. Shall I Do I want to What might I feel if I don't send Christmas gifts to my family this year?


2. Are my jeans fitting tighter the past two weeks? (The answer to this one is easy... yes, darn it.


3. Am I cheating, nibbling too much, justifying larger portions than I really need, eating between meals? (The answer to this one is also easy... yes, darn it.)


4. What will I do about #2 and #3 above?


5. Why do I feel so lonely and blue? What am I hiding from myself?


6. I feel so much pressure all the time because of my self-imposed, exhausting to-do list. Why do I procrastinate rather than prioritize and do the stuff on the list?


7. When will I make a written to-do list rather than try to keep it all straight in my head?


8. When will I just say "no" to myself or others when I or they want me to do one more thing?


9. What 10 things am I most grateful for right now?


10. When will I get serious about walking and arm exercises... action rather than reaction!?

Well, that's pretty illuminating? Openness? Wonder? Not yet... more like beating myself on the head with a big rock. OK, guess I need the book. Obviously, there's a germ of truth about open questions and enlightenment. Yup, I can see that. Action seems to be the key!

Clearing My Husband's Name + About Fear

Yesterday I posted a poem of sorts (here) about wanting to eat 2 dozen chocolate chip cookies... My husband offered to buy 3 dozen in case I wanted more. The next line said: what's with that

I feel the need to clear his name on this one... He was just joking. He knows full well the strength of my abstinence (at least at the moment) and that it was just my way of saying The Monster was in my mind. No way would he knowingly aid and abet said monster by bringing any of my binge foods into the house. The line "what's with that" refers to my mental state... like what is causing The Monster to come forward in such a big way? It does not refer to his joking offer.

I just read the above to him. He said, "Tell 'em you're going to put a fifth of Scotch in my car to get even." (He's a recovering alcoholic.) His humor is sometimes barbed and a problem for me in our marriage, but most of the time it just cracks me up.

It was good to write the poem because I write quickly, improvisationally and more truthfully when I write poetry than when I write prose. I can fill many journal pages with words and more words, and not get close to my inner truth. Whereas, writing terse lines (I guess one could call them poems) is often a gateway to my more intuitive side.

The other way I tap into intuition is by writing off the lines... in a spiral, upside down, in a diagonal wave - anything but straight across the page. When I journal, I like to get out my rather substantial collection of stickers and let Little PB pick a few she really likes (even if it's the only one I have of that type) and put them on the page. If she wants, she can embellish the stickers by doodling around them for a while. Then when I start to write, I just follow around the stickers and her doodles. It's quite obvious, when comparing a journal page like that to one written straight across the page, that the sticker pages are way more insightful, creative, fun, truthful and compelling.

Back to the cookie poem... Writing that I wanted to eat 2 dozen c.c. cookies simply opened a door to feeling my feelings and offered a chance to look at why that might be. I'm still thinking about the answer that appeared in the poem. It surprises me to realize that I have such strong fears around staying married, even though remaining with my husband is my stated goal for counseling.

So today, which was a 15-hour travel day (solo), I had a lot of time to consider the matter. It's complicated... and probably best summarized in a ten-things list... Ten Things Regarding My Fears around Remaining Married

1. It seems to be related to recovery and weight loss. Maybe getting physically smaller is a physical manifestation of the way I feel unimportant (small) in my marriage.
2. Part of me misses the independence I had before we met and married.
3. I don't trust that changes brought about through counseling will be lasting.
4. Under my fear of staying married is a fear of being trapped.
5. Under my fear of being trapped is a fear of becoming a nonentity.
6. Under my fear of becoming a nonentity is my fear of death.
7. Animal fear of being killed and eaten.
8. Internal Critic says I'm being a drama queen here.
9. Shut up, IC!
10. I need to be able to say "no." We both need to be able to ask for what we want and accept "no" as an answer. I have little faith in our ability to change.

Yikes! Should I be writing this kind of thing on a blog? I don't know. He doesn't read it... and even if he did, it would be OK (I think) because my intentions are good/honorable. But is it too personal and private to put on a blog? I guess I'm really just asking myself this question... More to consider... But for now, I'll publish this post as it is.

Ten Things for the Ride...

Here's my ride for the next six days. I ride my own bike (Suzuki 800) because it's fun, and I love it, and my husband can carry more camera gear on his bike when he's not carrying me. BTW, we're not Harley folks and don't generally ride in a group. Except this time we will be riding with some of my husband's friends for a couple of days. Apprehensive as I am about this particular ride, I'm determined to stay on program and to have a good time. Several readers of my previous post gave me some great ideas and support (THANKS!)...

Ten Things for the Ride

1. I will ride with caution and not take any risks. If I can't keep up, so be it. I will risk getting lost rather than ride in a way that feels unsafe to me.
2. At each stop, I will make rendezvous plans with my husband in case we get separated.
3. One day at a time, I will not eat any of my binge foods.
4. When things don't go my way, I will recall the serenity prayer.
5. I will observe the people we encounter and the world around us with a mind open to inspiration and beauty.
6. I will take lots of photos.
7. I will give myself a little slack to eat meals in restaurants that might be a bit higher in fat and carbs than I usually do at home.
8. I will not take my husband's moods personally. This is a tall order and may be the biggest challenge of the trip.
9. I will be firm, yet realistic, about asking for what I need.
10. I will feel my feelings, acknowledge them, respect them.

Oh yes, and one more... I will post a few pictures and a report when I return next week.

Ooooops.... Feels Like I'm Slippin'

One fitness/recovery blogger I'd really like to meet is PJ, who just wrote a post about mojovation (here). Her word is so perfect, that it needs little explanation... and it's what I need right now.

My binge foods are still totally OK and most days I'm exercising. That's the good news.

Everything else seems to be slipping, a tad here and a tad there. I'm eating a little too much. I'm nibbling a bit more than say a month ago. I'm making less healthy food choices. I'm not doing my daily writing or keeping up with blogging. I've been compulsive about quilting and art projects, staying up until all hours of the night and not getting enough sleep. My commitment to eat lunch meditatively is failing. I'm procrastinating horribly with chores. Mojovation is lacking.

This trend frightens me.

Tonight I'm thinking about why, about what's under my current lack of mojovation?

Maybe it's troubles between my husband and me. We are in marriage counseling, as noted in previous posts. On Friday I'm going on a week-long trip with him. I never wanted to go on this trip and at first refused. In fact, that's what precipitated the blow up and got us talking about divorce and then counseling. Recently, I changed my mind about going because I figure it will lessen his resentments and hopefully make counseling more productive for us.

However, I still don't want to go. Long story why not... doesn't matter. Point is, I'm now faced with 6 travel days, restaurant meals, several make-shift sleeping arrangements (uncomfortable beds) and little expectation of good times.

A very young and very wise, friend tells me, "You need to manifest fun." OK, yes, I agree. That's what I should do. But what I want to do is to stay home! Maybe that's why I'm slippin'.

Ten things I hope want (and will work toward) for our trip:

1. Unexpected fun happens
2. My husband is happier with me
3. My husband gives more positive energy to counseling when we return
4. It isn't as hot as the forecast says it will be
5. We ride safely (we're doing the motorcycles thing again)
6. I don't fall off my abstinence program this time
7. My attitude comes around to a more positive spin on the trip
8. My husband's expectations are not disappointed
9. I live the serenity prayer.
10. I give "grace" to my husband and his friends

I may not blog again for a while... not until we return probably. It's 2 am and I'm beat... but I'm glad I took the time to write tonight, as I think I've discovered what's behind my hiding mojovation. Writing the Ten Things list helps.

100 Days

Today would have been day 100 of abstinence if I hadn't put my hand out to receive an ice cream cone on day 77. Because of that, I set my counter back to zero. On my second try, I'm at day 23, making a total of 100 days of following my food plan and staying abstinent from my binge foods.

To celebrate a total of 100 days on the job (77+23), I'm going to write one of my 10-things lists...

Ten Things About 100 Days of Abstinence

1. It's been much easier than I thought it would be.
2. I rarely obsess or even think about what I'm going or not going to eat.
3. I feel more calm than I have for a long time.
4. I seem to get more done and have a tad more energy.
5. I'm starting to be more aware of my feelings and to be able to name them.
6. I look forward to the weekly OA meetings.
7. I think I can continue doing this for another 100 days.
8. However, I will still try to take it just one day at a time.
9. It feels as though a more honest me is emerging.
10. I started at size 18 jeans and now my 14s are starting to feel a bit baggy.

Ten MORE Things About 100 Days of Abstinence

1. Dropping sizes is good, but the real reward is the return to a foundation of sanity.
2. I've only felt a strong urge to have binge foods one or two times.
3. I cheat a little with my food plan by having a taste or nibble now and then while preparing meals.
4. I have to keep a wary eye on nibbling and tasting. Right now I'm being lenient about it, but that may need to change.
5. I've started taking better care of myself in other ways, such as doing arm exercises.
6. I believe the 12-step program is an important part of making this a life change. I am working on step 4 using an event writing method suggested by a member of my OA group. It takes a lot of time.
7. I haven't weighed myself at all, not even on day one. My "no scale" policy is working very well for me.
8. Writing this blog is very helpful in understanding and placing value on my food addiction recovery process.
9. Reading other recovery blogs and exchanging comments is inspirational, instructive and motivating for me.
10. I got tears in my eyes at Saturday's OA meeting. I rarely cry (once or twice a year?) and never in public.

Re-reading my two lists, I'd have to give this period of time at least 5 bright, optimistic stars!

More Thoughts about "Notice Me!"

Yesterday I wrote that my addictions might have been a subconscious and inappropriate way of saying "Please notice me" to my parents. Today I'm wondering what did my parents notice about me back then?

We were a family of 5 kids, me being the first born. The youngest, my only sister, is 16 years younger than I. At the time of my growing alcohol, smoking and love addictions, I was 23-26 and my sister was just a child at 7-10. The brother next to me was away (college and military), leaving two other brothers, ages 15-18 and 12-15, at home. So, they had a youngster and two teenage boys, plus me, at home. Both my parents worked full time in demanding, professional careers.

I don't know if this is a factor or not... My biological dad was killed in a car accident when I was 5. My step dad and mom married when I was 7. So the siblings at home were my step sister and brothers. I didn't think of them that way; nor do I think I was ever any less family to my step dad for not being his own biological offspring.

My mom was more of a disciplinarian in our family than Dad, who I remember as being more easy-going. My brothers did not smoke or drink at that time. My dad smoked when he was in college, but quit when I was about 10. Mom never smoked. While I was living at home, neither Mom or Dad drank, except on special occasions, when they would have a bottle of wine at dinner. I do not have any knowledge of alcohol problems in my grandparent's generation, but my Mom's only brother, a WWII veteran, was said to be an alcoholic. My parents always seemed to have a stable, loving marriage.

In 1965-8, while living at home, working and attending graduate school, I began drinking regularly with co-workers after work. Once or twice a week, we closed the bars at 1 AM. Sometimes we continued to drink at a co-worker's apartment after that. Once in a while we started drinking during our lunch hour and never made it back to work. I was having occasional blackouts where I would continue to talk, walk and drive but without any conscious memory whatsoever. I smoked... 2 or 3 packs per day. I was having a bit of a romance with a married co-worker.

I did not smoke or drink at home. However, I came home drunk, sometimes while my parents were still up, slurring my words and stumbling to bed. And, of course I must have smelled like a smokestack. How could they NOT notice?

Sadly, my dad died 4 years ago. I can not ask him about those years now. Nor can I ask my mom, as her memory is nearly gone. The only thing I know is that maybe 5 or 6 years ago, Mom said that they had worried about me and my drinking a lot back in the 60s. I wish I had asked her what reasons they might have had for not talking to me about it then.

Ten possible reasons why my parents didn't talk to me about my addictions while I was living at home:

1. They didn't know what to say.
2. They felt more comfortable by pretending everything was OK.
3. They thought drinking and smoking was just something college-aged kids did, more or less normal.
4. They knew I was holding my full-time job and getting good grades in graduate school. So they figured my drinking was a minor problem that didn't affect my work or education.
5. They had their own careers and three young kids to manage. So they didn't have remaining energy to deal with me.
6. I was an adult, over 21. Maybe they didn't think they had the right any longer, as parents, to correct or discipline their adult offspring.
7. My behaviors at home must have seemed decent, normal and in character to them. Therefore, they may not have realized the extent of my drinking and smoking away from home.
8. They didn't know about addiction, thinking (as I did until recently) that addicts were homeless, street people who drank every day until they passed out. So they may have seen my drinking as a passing issue of a young adult of the times.
9. My mother had to hide cookies. I would find them and eat many of them over a period of days. She must have known somebody was taking them, because she would always hide them in ever more clever places. She never said anything or asked who was "stealing" the cookies. Could she have suspected my brothers?
10. Maybe to talk to me would be to admit "publicly" that they had somehow failed as parents.

I'll never know for sure. Nor can I know how it might have changed my future path into addiction if they had chosen to talk to me about it back then. I feel sad that they didn't say anything; I wish they had. But I can't change the past, theirs or mine. What I can do is to notice my present food addiction and care enough about myself to stop.
I forgive my parents. I open my heart in understanding and forgiveness to them for not talking with me about my actions and to myself for my behaviors during those years.

Two Challenges Ahead

The first challenge will begin on Wednesday when I depart for a 3-day felt-dying-book-binding workshop. I'll be sharing a room in B&B-type of place with another student. I've corresponded with her via email a bit, but have never met her. The organizer has planned snacks and fancy lunches. I'm guessing there will be looooong days/evenings and not much sleep. There will be many food temptations and I'll be out of my comfort zone in lots of ways.

So I need a plan. Well, I have a food plan. Three meals a day. No snacks. No binge foods. Only one plate or bowl per meal. I can do this at home. I can even factor in eating out once in a while. Can I maintain my plan at the workshop? Will I maintain my plan at the workshop?

With 57 days invested in abstinence so far, I certainly don't want to re-set the counter... nor do I want to slide again into the binge foods abyss. Ten things that might help me stay on course:

1. take sugar-free gum... several flavors
2. take a good supply of bottled water and a few cans of diet soda
3. don't worry (or even think) about the second challenge until this one is behind me
4. pray (something I rarely do; hardly know how to do)
5. walk rather than eat; when temptation strikes, take a quick walk around the building or down the street and back
6. tell the student(s) next to me what I am doing; make a verbal commitment to them about my food plan each day
7. make a commitment about sticking to my food plan here on my blog and report at the end of the workshop (probably no access to Internet while there)
8. remember that I'm there to PLAY and learn; my work does not have to be good or perfect or pretty or remarkable in any way
9. make a verbal commitment about sticking to my food plan to my husband and call him every night to report
10. ask if any readers have other suggestions... maybe things that have worked for them

Hey! That's a decent list... think I'll print it out, keep it visible for the next two days and take it with me.

To my readers... Yes, I do commit to sticking to my food plan and will report when I return. And yes, I do welcome any suggestions you have.

No, thanks to the above list, I'm not going to write about the second challenge happening one week later... Time for that when I return from the workshop. Posting will probably be sparse, but I'll be baaaack!

I'm Proud of Myself ~ 10 Things List

Cammy, at Tippy Toes Diet, posted this quote today by Martha Beck (author of The Joy Diet, which I haven't read...yet):

Right now, say it out loud: “I’m so proud of myself.” The rush of strength and expansiveness that comes from declaring this honestly is the antidote to paralysis and the beginning of wonderful adventures, and each time you choose that, instead of shame, you really should be proud.

Ring of truth here... false modesty be darned, I might as well give it a try.

Ten I'm-Proud-of-Myself Things:

1. I am proud of myself for passing up the free samples of funnel cake and cinnamon rolls at the grocery store again today.
2. I am proud of myself for 52 days of abstaining from cake, cookies, ice cream, chocolate, pastries, pie and candy.
3. I am proud of myself for 52 days of abstaining from overeating until I am beyond full.
4. I am proud of myself for walking 2.2 miles on most of the 52 days since joining OA.
5. I am proud of myself for starting a daily arm exercise program.
6. I am proud of myself for my efforts at staying honest and true in writing this blog.
7. I am proud of myself for attempting to feel my feeling and for telling my best friend she didn't need to fix my sadness yesterday.
8. I am proud of myself for asking my husband for help with this list.
9. I am proud of myself for making an "excellent dinner and then doing the dishes on top of that." (My husband's suggestion...)
10. I'm so proud of (and shocked at) myself for writing this list and posting it.

I guess there's wisdom in this, because I am smiling ear to ear right now. Thank you Martha and Cammy!

Surrender

To surrender is to accept
life as it is:
winter today, spring tomorrow;
cruelty with beauty;
aloneness after love.

These are words by Marion Woodman from Coming Home to Myself, a gift from a friend who understands the mysteries of change better than I.

I do not easily surrender, nor often. I want control. My mind knows when I use my determination to stop a leak in the wall of control surrounding me, another leak will soon begin at my back. My mind knows my thin wall of control can easily crumble allowing a flood to rush over me. I am afraid I won't be able to swim. So, despite what my mind knows, I white-knuckle to maintain control.... over what I eat, over my surroundings, sometimes over my friends and family.

I don't want to admit that last week I tried to control a friend. I wanted her to come to my studio for a "sewing day." She said she didn't feel well. I wheedled and whined. She said, "You're twisting my arm." I said, "Yes, but I really want you to come." She didn't. And she hasn't replied to my email messages, including one where I acknowledged my fault and apologized.

I also don't want to admit that last week I tried to influence my sister to do something. She said she was tired. I pushed. She didn't do it.

Ten Things I Can't Control

1. my genetic makeup
2. my past experiences
3. my eating
4. the weather
5. the world's population growth
6. my husband
7. my sister
8. my friends
9. truth
10. everything else

Is to surrender to have no influence? To surrender must I allow the flood and the dark to push me down? What if I cannot surface again? Nature knows all about control and surrender. The dog rolls over and shows his belly. The flooded river recedes. Must I then surrender my will? And if so, how?

Let go. Breathe. Stay in the moment. Someone said, "Be where your hands are." Breathe. Let go. Trust. Forgive. Breathe.

Dance ~ Part 3 (the end, for now)

Yes, my childhood/youth dance card was tarnished and bleak. But later, in my 40s and 50s, the dancer in me left hibernation and found a pathway through folk dance and later recreational ballroom dancing.

It wasn't always easy... I recall taking workshops where the teachers rotated the dancers. It seemed that each time I rotated to a new partner, I saw on his face a look that said, "Oh no, here we go... She's a big one... She won't be a good partner... She must weigh twice as much as me... Maybe I should take a break right now..." Some did take a break. Some discovered that I can dance. Some even sought me out later as a partner. I learned to take the bad with the good, stick with it, keep smiling and above all, enjoy the dance.

For several years, I performed with a Hungarian folk dance group, eventually becoming one of the group's primary choreographers. Performing was tough. The first time on stage, my knees were shaking so much that my dear partner literally had to hold me up. Eventually, I came to enjoy performing very much.

During those two decades, I formed romantic attachments to two different men who were dancers, one which lasted 13 years. He was a big guy, overweight like me. He was/is a great dancer and always in demand as a partner. Guys can be overweight, sweaty, choreography-impaired, humorless, you name it... If they're willing to try, they will always have a dance partner. For us gals, it's a bit more difficult. When I started ballroom dancing, I got used to asking men to dance with me, which was a bit tough on the ego, but which got me on the dance floor.

I look back on those 20 years of dance as a primary focus in my life and am thankful for the courage and serendipitous circumstances that helped me to take baby steps out of hibernation. That phase of my life ended when I met my husband (who will not/does not dance) and moved to an island where there really isn't any venue for dancing. It's OK. I'm willing to trade dance for my marriage... and I still dance by myself sometimes, especially in my studio.

Going back to the start of Part 1, I wrote: "I guess if I'm ever going to recover (as they put it in OA), I have to face the D word... Dance." I've told the stories. Now what is it I need to face?

I think it's my bitterness and anger about what happened and about being overweight and large. Perhaps a 10-things list is in order. OK... Ten Things I'm Willing to Forgive and Leave Behind:

1. I forgive you, Mr. Andahazi, Mr. Russian ballet master. You taught me body carriage and how to move in time to music. I'm sure you did not intend to harm me when you told my parents I was not suited to ballet. You were right... I am not.
2. I forgive you, Mom and Dad. You did not understand how important it was to me that you see our modern dance performance. You tried to make it up to me later by traveling all the way across the country to see me perform folk dance on several occasions. You were kind and attentive to my needs in countless ways.
3. I forgive you, stage helpers, for the mix-up about our costumes.
4. I forgive you, Mrs. Kane, for pushing me back on stage. Although I was humiliated at the time, it was the right thing to do. Maybe it's partly the reason why I was able to perform later in life. So thank you!
5. I forgive myself for holding this anger and shame inside for all these years.
6. I forgive myself for all the years I overate and binged, especially for how doing so continually hampered me from blossoming as a dancer.
7. I forgive myself for any erroneous assumptions I may have made regarding male dance teachers, choreographers and partners. I assumed the worst, that they all dreaded working with me. I admit it's possible that some of them didn't have any negative feelings at all.
8. I forgive those men who have a preference for dancing with small, attractive women even if they aren't really very good dancers.
9. I forgive myself for hibernating, shyness and holding back.
10. I forgive myself for limiting my own potential in dance by holding onto shame, fear and resentments from the past.

Ooooh, that felt good!!!! Now I can let the subject of dance rest for a while. The only other thing to do is to put my word-arms around Little Peacefulbird, hug her tightly, rock her gently and tell her I understand how wounded she was and how proud I am of her for allowing dance to emerge again and even flourish after many years of hiding.

If I'm Honest...

...I have to admit it's been a tough few days on several fronts. People I love, family and close friends, are leaning on me, claiming my energy. People who follow my other blogs, students from my past, complete strangers to me are calling me on the phone and writing emails, wanting assistance or just to be heard. 10 things I'm feeling:

1. drained
2. tired
3. like eating vast amounts of chocolate cake might help
4. angry
5. afraid (have I let any of them down?)
6. resentful
7. thankful
8. exhausted
9. humbled
10. sad, very sad

Yesterday I made a long trip to be with a friend who needed me. I was alone traveling in both directions. I didn't think to take a good book on tape. I didn't even turn on the radio or listen to a favorite CD. Not sure why not... Maybe quiet seemed like a good thing.

Thinking about life's ups and downs, about problems and losses we all face, about how we cope, about my binge foods and how they really wouldn't help me get through this week any more easily. Voice of reason speaking, but that didn't seem to stop me from dwelling on certain treats I would have allowed myself in the past.

Feeling sorry for myself; feeling burdened; feeling heavy and sad... all excuses to consume many treats in the past. Giving myself rewards because I carry on, treats as compensation for doing things that seem difficult. Now what do I do? Now how can I reward myself?

That's actually a good question. 10 things I might possibly substitute for food/treat rewards:

1. maybe rather than need rewards, I need to identify and set better boundaries?
2. an hour of quiet to do whatever I want
3. take a walk at a favorite place
4. an early haircut, before I start looking shaggy
5. 15 minutes in the rocker with the cat on my lap
6. repeat the serenity prayer
7. give myself time to paint
8. write morning pages
9. ask my husband for a big hug
10. ??????

That was really difficult! I sat forever trying to think of one more thing that wasn't food-related and finally gave up.

So, I'm asking anybody who's reading this... what rewards do you give yourself that aren't in any way about food?

10 Good Things (and 10 Not-Quite-So-Good Things)

I love making lists when I'm journaling because often they help me uncover something important. My first list for today is Ten good things:

1. I've not binged or eaten even a tiny crumb of my binge foods for 35 days. I feel great about making an abstinence commitment to myself and keeping it, thus honoring and respecting myself enough not to cheat.
2. I'm doing well sticking to my food plan.
3. I'm much more comfortable in my jeans; almost time to downsize!
4. My digestive system likes my food plan; not needing Tums and anti-acid tablets.
5. I feel supported by the OA structure and group members.
6. I enjoy writing this journal blog.
7. The blogging community is supportive, inspirational, fun and instructive.
8. My husband is pleased with me for doing this.
9. One day at a time works!
10. My craving for sweets seems to be diminishing!

Ten not-quite-so-good things:

1. It difficult for me not to stop eating when I'm not hungry when there is still food on my plate.
2. I sometimes "taste" foods and nibble while I am preparing meals. This is not part of my food plan.
3. I read a blog last night that totally slammed OA. It upset me to think that I could fail at regaining my sanity. I need to remember that many people remain "clean and sober" for the rest of their lives. I can be like those people.
4. My best friend is gone again. I miss her.
5. I had a nice burst of doing my art work, but have relapsed again into procrastination.
6. I haven't found a form of prayer that works for me yet.
7. Sometimes I feel like a fake... like I'm role-playing this sobriety process... saying and doing the "right" things, yet not fully engaged.
8. I'm having a problem with significant heel pain (despite ice, Aleeve, changing shoes) which means I'm not walking very much. I miss it.
9. I tend to forget that change happens in baby steps. It feels like I'm rushing to feel my feelings, find faith, make amends and radically alter my eating habits all at once... forgetting to breathe and love what I love.
10. The scale is calling me.

What is one thing in the second list that I can change? #5... I can change that. OK, I will. I hereby make a public commitment to work for at least one hour per day on my current art project for 5 days starting right now. I shall stop writing, stop blogging and go to the studio immediately. Oh boy, oh boy!!!

Three Things I CAN Change

Crabby, out of sorts today... and not much accomplished. Lots of food thoughts. Actually I don't consider the things I was thinking about as food.

For a couple of months, my husband and I were both addicted to apple (him) and blueberry (me) fritters... the gigantic fluffy kind, mighty sweet, mighty full of calories and mighty emply of anything else. We'd talk about splitting one, but often we each got one thinking that we'd have half one day and half the next. Ha! Never happened.

So today I got to thinking about those fritters and a huge craving started growing. Although I knew I wouldn't give into the craving, it has stuck with me all day.

Another thing on my mind was a type of home-made, dark chocolate almond toffee that I saw at our local grocery market yesterday when I was shopping. When I saw it, I actually picked up a celophane bag of it, held it in my hand, admired the darkness of the chocolate and the thickness of the toffee.

Today, thinking about it, I began to feel sorry for myself.... began to think about never, ever having such a delicious treat again. One day at a time went out the window, replaced by deprivation depression.

My husband says I should remember how much chocolate I've eaten in my 67 years and reconfigure my thinking to see that I've used up my chocolate quota, punched all the holes in the ticket, been there done that.

The good news is, for this one day I did not deviate from my food plan at all... despite the cravings. The not so hot news is, I don't have a clue what is going on emotionally (or IF anything is going on emotionally) that has triggered this craving.

I'll see if a Ten Things List will help. Ten things that might be behind me to wanting to consume binge foods today:

1. Mother's Day blues... my mom being far away and not being able to talk on the phone with her or communicate with her directly.
2. Mother's Day blues... me not having any kids.
3. My messy and disorganized work spaces in our house.
4. Not setting aside chunks of time to work on my art projects.
5. Feeling lonely.
6. My best woman friend not being available lately.
7. Frustration about noise levels; my husband always having radios and TV going in every room and always his choice of music.
8. Not enough time alone in peace and quiet.
9. Head and eye pain from squinting (wearing 10-year old glasses while new prescription is being filled)
10. Worry about the world, oil spill, financial system, overpopulation, environment, etc.

Well, yes, it's probably a combination of these things, maybe some others too... So, I just thought about the serentiy prayer... Don't know it yet by heart... Checking on line... Ah, here it is:

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things that I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Taking a look at my list again, what CAN I change? Numbers 3, 4 and 8 are definite canidates. OK, dear journal, here's the deal. I am making a commitment right now:

1. For each of the next 5 days, I will clean up/organize at least one area, starting this evening with the clutter right around my computer. I will report my progress each day.
2. For each of the next 5 days, I will spend at least one hour working on an art project. I will report my progress each day.
3. For each of the next 5 days, I will go wherever I need to go to be alone with no radio or TV sounds for at least one hour. I will report my progress each day.

We shall see how it goes. I want to be like PJ and not beat myself up if I fail to meet this commitment. Also, like her, I want to give it high priority, because they ARE things I can change.

Feeling Pissy and Trapped

Not eating compulsively since last Saturday… that’s 7 full days. Not eating and feeling pissy and trapped. Trapped in a body and mind that has relied on compulsive consumption of sugar since childhood… probably beginning when we went to live with Grandma, which would make it 62 years of compulsive overeating.

Before when I’ve been on a diet, I never faced the compulsive part of my eating… I just managed my food for a time. But the compulsive part of me sat back quietly (or sometimes not so quietly) waiting for a time when its voice could promise me solace again and I would turn from managing my food in a healthy way to overeating and frequent sugar binges.

Well, now I hit bottom. I don’t want to be trapped by compulsive eating anymore. It is killing me. I am sick to death of it. I am killing myself… probably both literally… my health robbed of it’s prime by the type of eating I do and the weight I carry around… but more importantly my essence killed. Murdered with food. Hidden away. Denied. Strong words. I believe it is true.

So hard to know what I really want. What I've wanted for 65 years has been ignored while I substituted readily available "foods" with fat and sugar in them. Well, I can’t have X, so I’ll have candy. At some point I started to lose track of what I want… didn’t even comprehend any specifics. Just a vague feeling of wanting, which could immediately be dulled by sweets.

How bad is it tonight? Two double-scoop, chocolate ice cream cones back-to-back from Baskin & Robbins? Oh yes? Well, OK. What did I really want a week ago when I devoured a chocolate/chocolate Dove Bar purchased at the drug store, followed immediately by a Dove candy bar from the grocery store??? I haven’t a clue. Not a clue at all.

The voices said I deserved to eat these wonderful chocolate things one more time before I became abstinent. Well, that’s the way with the voices… they know what to say to get me to overeat compulsively. They know how to make it sound so sensible. The voices happen when I feel empty and denied and trapped. I feel trapped today and there is no solace in sugar. I just have to sit with feeling trapped and let it be there, like it or not.

Ten things I want…

1. I want to connect with a higher power, to find another name for it, to experience trust and faith. Is there really a basic goodness I can tap into and ask for help? Is there really a power greater than I which will help me?
2. I want to connect with my feelings and feel them. I want to know what I want.
3. I want to be at peace with who I am and where I am. That’s a tall order. It requires finding a space where I don’t feel trapped.
4. I want to take care of my body and give it a chance to flourish and live well.
5. I want to paint.
6. I want to bead.
7. I want to sew.
8. I want to let go of worry.
9. I want to be more open to love from many sources, to receive it, acknowledge it, take it in and wrap myself with it.
10. I want to go visit Mom again.

Well, that was good. Ten things lists are good! I feel less pissy now and less trapped. Good!