Thursday, September 15, 2011

Down, Up, Down

First, I have to say how surprised and grateful I am to be receiving comments, especially such helpful and supportive ones, when I'm not even visiting other blogs right now. The comments to yesterday's post gave me lots to ponder, especially the reminder that under resentments there is usually fear.

So I've been thinking about that. What are the fears, and under them, what is my deepest fear? How can my husband's displeasure with me have such a profound affect on me? I balk at writing anything.... afraid to look at it or honestly not knowing what it is? OK, what MIGHT it be. Ten things I might be afraid of when I feel resentment and anger toward my husband:
  1. I am in prison, controlled by a somewhat benevolent jailor.
  2. I am incapable of pleasing him.
  3. If he is not pleased with me, then I am not OK as a person.
  4. I do not perceive he cares about me; therefore I am not worthy of kindness.
  5. I do not perceive he respects me; therefore I am not worthy of respect.
  6. I made a mistake when I hooked up with this man.
  7. I am not capable of maintaining a healthy marriage.
  8. I am not free; I am under his control.
  9. I don't know how to maintain boundaries.
  10. I don't know how to get what I need and want in this marriage.
That's a pretty serious list of fears. Now what? There are probably more fears involved and possibly the fear that's under the list is something to do with being abandoned. Maybe it's that if I took myself out of jail by setting and maintaining boundaries, he would abandon me. I'm confused by this thought, because it seems he's already, long ago, abandoned me emotionally, maybe never was there emotionally, never was really interested in me as a person, except in what I can do for him. That's how it feels. Maybe it's not true. I don't really know anything right now, except that I feel scared, resentful, angry, hurt and forsaken in this time of need.

The oddest thing of all is that he'd probably say the same thing about me... that I abandon him and forsake him in his time of need.

Well, no light bulbs tonight. That's the way it goes sometimes...

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Gratitude for the day: some decent book progress today, lunch with a friend, women friends in general, writing, amazing digital cameras (little things that don't cost much and take really good pictures)


  1. It is a serious list of fears and some of them seem conflicting.

    You say you are not capable of maintaining a healthy marriage. How do you define a healthy marriage?

    You also say you don't know how to get what you need and want in this marriage. Do you know what you want and need in this marriage? Does your husband know? And do you know what your husband wants and needs in this marriage?

  2. A very interesting list, and an interesting insight that you both probably feel abandoned. I wonder if those who have been abandoned sometimes abandon others. Could focusing on abandonment rather than looking at ways one has been supported be similar to looking at negativity rather than making a gratitude list? Lots to consider in this post. DB

  3. Interesting list, as others have said. Well, the two of you lived for many, many years without each other, and without being married. And, being strong and independent, you got along just fine. What would happen if you "abandoned" each other? Looking at boundaries seems like an excellent idea, especially in that boundaries include as well as exclude. Relationships are nothing if not complex. I wish you both good luck and success in figuring yours out.

  4. Just checking in here, PB, after lots of time not blog-hopping in my usual way. Personally, I am quite loathe to ever make suggestions regarding the marriages of other persons but the thought that came to me after reading your last two posts was SO LOUD, I am going to spill it...I think I would prefer to be utterly, totally abandoned, left to my own devices and my own singularities than to remain somewhere where I was so emotionally abused.

  5. I'm with Sweetpea, I rarely comment on other people's relationships, both because I'm not inside them and because I spent far too long in an abusive relationship myself to ever judge anyone else. I want for you what I have now - a man who doesn't think I'm boring when I bead every night after work (and any other time I can), an artist who supports the artist in me, a non-critical mate. Know that you are greatly loved and respected, Robin. Wish I was closer and could give you a hug.


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