Sunday, September 12, 2010

Couldn't Get to Sleep Last Night

couldn't sleep last night
mind chatter
obsessive thinking

about our marriage counseling session
earlier during the day

about Dad's birthday the next day
on 9-11
double sadness for me
missing Dad
missing trust

about my long to-do list
seems long when its in my mind
about my next art project
about the sweater I want to knit

about how it's chilly
and my feet are freezing
about why I make the choice
to stay in bed
rather than get up
to fetch an extra blanket

about my solo road trip
leaving in just over a week
and all the route possibilities
about my stamina for driving
3,600 miles
that's round trip

about my husband and me
about how we want each other
to be like we were when we met
about how difficult it is
to accept the changes
that inevitably come
with aging
about how much better
our life together might be
if we could respect
who we are right now
about how we could do that
about if we could do that
about continuing changes
it's not going to get easier
is it

about respect and love
about forgiveness
about giving and growing

about how maybe I should
get up and read for a while
about how it's now 6 am
and I still haven't slept
about how the day will go
with so little sleep
about all these things again
and again

and then it's 7 am
about how I'm still cold
even though I finally
did get a second blanket
about how it's almost time
to get up
and go to my OA meeting

how could I forget
the two best tools I have

a mindful practice
noting the working
of my mind
not what it was thinking
not how it was thinking
just that it is thinking

and the other is
god, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference

tonight, god,
I place my busy mind
in your hands


  1. Beautiful..and for me..those middle of the nights, just like yours..I write...just like you...and i embrace the silence, the peaceful get to know ME!

  2. I wonder if the poem was writing itself in your mind while you lay awake, or if it came after. Either way - it is a beautiful and so descriptive.

  3. I keep dreaming of the time and the apartment that my husband and I first lived in. It was a simpler time and yet it was also more complex.It was the beginning of setting up the matrix of patterns that we developed over time and now are trying to undo. But we choose to try.
    I find that long drives are a good time for thinking and figuring things out. Then , sometimes, I don't want to think or make decisions and I just want to drive and not think. vI hope you get some sleep and can hold off your pondering till your drive time.

  4. I often have nights like this, but usually I get up and read or do something or other until I'm all tired, then go back to bed... and find I'm suddenly wide awake. Interesting. My feet are getting cold these nights, too, and I have to remember to put on my bed socks.


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