Not a great day for my 3 areas of commitment and not a very good day for my food plan either....
Not enough sleep (3rd night in a row).
Went to OA meeting... told about the 10 things list leading to serenity prayer leading to commitments. Noticed my shoulders drop into relaxation.
Immediately after OA, went to a quilting work-day. Pot luck. Lots and lots of foods and deserts. Went armed with food plan: took my own food and sat at the table furthest away from the food spread. Saw somebody eating what looked like cashews coated with sesame seeds. My food plan calls for one plate or bowl and no seconds. I had already eaten the food I brought. Went to the food spread, found sesame/cashews and took a handful. Ate them. Yum. Took a second handful. Ate most. Got to thinking about how the sesame seeds were stuck to the cashews. No! I was eating something quite sweet, like maybe caramel. Pop. The last few popped themselves into my mouth.
Dinner tonight. One plate, yes, but perhaps a tad overloaded and all consumed.
I want to name all the feelings I had at the quilting thing... not all at once and not all the time... some fleeting, some more pronounced.
Sad and angry that my good quilting/art friend didn't choose to sit at my table and seemed to be ignoring me until the very end of the day.
Lonely in a crowded room... most of the time I was there and especially at first.
Bewildered, a little, about the quilt I'm working on. It has a lot of small but difficult decisions that need to be made.
Overwhelmed by all the noise... talking and sewing machines... a couple of women with very loud, piercing voices.
Happy in a rub off sort of way. Most of the women there were having a really good time; lots of laughter.
Glad to be making a little progress on my quilt. Glad and thankful that we have a community of women who make quilts in our town.
Angry about eating those sugary nuts. Angry about not winning a drawing. I wanted the item very much and spent $15 buying tickets for it. Angry that there was so much noise.
Jealous of the women sitting at my friend's table. Jealous of the winner of the drawing.
Afraid that I'll never really feel like I belong to that group, even though I'm not sure I want to belong. Afraid that I did or said something to impair the trust and camaraderie with my friend. Afraid that I may be starting to slip off my food plan. Afraid nobody there likes me. Afraid I'm not a likable person.
Well, that gets to the root of the matter, doesn't it?! Yikes! I certainly wasn't aware of all those feeling while I was there. In retrospect, it's easy to find them and to belatedly feel my feelings.
I don't know if it's good or bad to list and revisit my feelings. However, I do know that prayer never entered my mind. I had just come from an OA meeting, yet the part where I rely on a power stronger than my own (the Universe, God)and pray for guidance, reassurance, love, forgiveness... that part never entered the room with me.
I am not perfect. I do not have to be perfect. I move forward with greater understanding and the hope of recognizing my feelings and responding with prayer the next time.