Thursday, August 26, 2010

Clearing My Husband's Name + About Fear

Yesterday I posted a poem of sorts (here) about wanting to eat 2 dozen chocolate chip cookies... My husband offered to buy 3 dozen in case I wanted more. The next line said: what's with that

I feel the need to clear his name on this one... He was just joking. He knows full well the strength of my abstinence (at least at the moment) and that it was just my way of saying The Monster was in my mind. No way would he knowingly aid and abet said monster by bringing any of my binge foods into the house. The line "what's with that" refers to my mental state... like what is causing The Monster to come forward in such a big way? It does not refer to his joking offer.

I just read the above to him. He said, "Tell 'em you're going to put a fifth of Scotch in my car to get even." (He's a recovering alcoholic.) His humor is sometimes barbed and a problem for me in our marriage, but most of the time it just cracks me up.

It was good to write the poem because I write quickly, improvisationally and more truthfully when I write poetry than when I write prose. I can fill many journal pages with words and more words, and not get close to my inner truth. Whereas, writing terse lines (I guess one could call them poems) is often a gateway to my more intuitive side.

The other way I tap into intuition is by writing off the lines... in a spiral, upside down, in a diagonal wave - anything but straight across the page. When I journal, I like to get out my rather substantial collection of stickers and let Little PB pick a few she really likes (even if it's the only one I have of that type) and put them on the page. If she wants, she can embellish the stickers by doodling around them for a while. Then when I start to write, I just follow around the stickers and her doodles. It's quite obvious, when comparing a journal page like that to one written straight across the page, that the sticker pages are way more insightful, creative, fun, truthful and compelling.

Back to the cookie poem... Writing that I wanted to eat 2 dozen c.c. cookies simply opened a door to feeling my feelings and offered a chance to look at why that might be. I'm still thinking about the answer that appeared in the poem. It surprises me to realize that I have such strong fears around staying married, even though remaining with my husband is my stated goal for counseling.

So today, which was a 15-hour travel day (solo), I had a lot of time to consider the matter. It's complicated... and probably best summarized in a ten-things list... Ten Things Regarding My Fears around Remaining Married
  1. It seems to be related to recovery and weight loss. Maybe getting physically smaller is a physical manifestation of the way I feel unimportant (small) in my marriage.
  2. Part of me misses the independence I had before we met and married.
  3. I don't trust that changes brought about through counseling will be lasting.
  4. Under my fear of staying married is a fear of being trapped.
  5. Under my fear of being trapped is a fear of becoming a nonentity.
  6. Under my fear of becoming a nonentity is my fear of death.
  7. Animal fear of being killed and eaten.
  8. Internal Critic says I'm being a drama queen here.
  9. Shut up, IC!
  10. I need to be able to say "no." We both need to be able to ask for what we want and accept "no" as an answer. I have little faith in our ability to change.

Yikes! Should I be writing this kind of thing on a blog? I don't know. He doesn't read it... and even if he did, it would be OK (I think) because my intentions are good/honorable. But is it too personal and private to put on a blog? I guess I'm really just asking myself this question... More to consider... But for now, I'll publish this post as it is.


  1. I'm glad you did! Those fears around your marriage are some of the same fears I have about getting re-married. My fiance has the same type of humor you mention...Yes he is recovering too....With my long list, such as fear is of being controlled...But in my many years I have found it is my co-dependent tendencies and old tapes that keep me response to the "old" triggers. Which boils down to trusting me.....What I have found isn't about saying NO but saying YES! to me...Thanks again for hitting publish!

  2. There a lot of times I write a comment and change my mind and delete. Most of the time I want to ask questions or I feel like my comments would come across as advice which so I delete.

    One thing that really struck me about this post is that most women are worried to divorce and be on their own. Though happily married, I am just insecure enough to worry about being on my own by choice. However I don't have those same feelings about being alone if Terry would leave this earth.

    And now I have more questions that I am not asking.

    One thing is true, at least for me, writing on my blog does more to clarify my thoughts and emotions than merely putting thoughts on paper. Perhaps sending them out to the Universe helps to bring answers back to us.

  3. Well , I'm glad you posted it-twin seperated at birth. I can pretty much relate like 100%. And I really like the sticker / doodling aspect of your journaling ( I think a trip to Hobby lobby is due--I need to gawk at the Fall pumpkins and colors a bit anyway.)

    I had an individual therapy session yesterday, and I was so , so angry at my husband for so much. My therapist was taken aback.I truthfully said that the blog world is where I put my real internal world out there and where I receive the most support. But then my husband and I got along great and had a fun evening after that.

    It's a work in progress. I need to start writing a letter to him-much more efficient way for me to say what I need to say to him versus try to have a conversation.

  4. First I need to say that my reaction to what you wrote about your husband was very different from other reactions. It actually reminded me of a children's book (maybe Runaway Bunny) that lyrically describes a mother's love for her errant child. I felt that his response to you was also loving and the whole thing was poetic rather than actual. I really liked the image:)

    About the list - I think this putting the words here seem to be working for you so that means it is a great thing. And maybe it would not be bad if he did read them. Should you know right a list that is opposite about your marriage?

  5. About the drama queen reference...
    "The Crazy Brain!"
    That's what some of the other "fatty" blogs call it.
    Fight TCB!
    As in...Fight the Crazy Brain!

    IC works, too!
    Seems to be the universal giver of bad advice.
    I call it "the ego."

    It's all good!

  6. So glad you cleared that up, pb! (my husband has the same sharp humor and 99% of the time I "get it", but every now and then, I think he's being serious and get very surprised!
    I hope you decide to keep writing about your experiences with counseling...I do think they're very relevant to the purpose of this blog.

  7. HAHAHA! You certainly cleared your husband's name! I think that in the poem, followed by that next line, "what's with that" made me think the wrong thing. I hope his car will run well on scotch.

    Your fears about staying married seem to be everyone's fears about marriage. You don't have to loose yourself by forming a partnership, but it sure feels that way sometimes, and the adjustment is a constant it seems. My husband and I have been together some 27 years now, and if it's a trap, it certainly is a comfortable one, but there are still those feelings of not being totally independent, somehow being eaten up by the relationship or the other person's needs and wants, that recur for both of us.

    Is your blog too personal? Only you can answer that. I'm amazed and in awe of your honesty and courage, and quite inspired. If there are things you want to keep just for yourself, then you certainly should. There are lots of things I never put into my blog that no one will ever know about.

  8. I'm a pen-and-paper scribbler, too. That scritch-scritch sound of writing on paper is soothing to me. I also sometimes use different colored pens or markers to write. Amazing how many insights, no matter how many times they've been written before, jump off the page when they're purple or red.


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