I feel the need to clear his name on this one... He was just joking. He knows full well the strength of my abstinence (at least at the moment) and that it was just my way of saying The Monster was in my mind. No way would he knowingly aid and abet said monster by bringing any of my binge foods into the house. The line "what's with that" refers to my mental state... like what is causing The Monster to come forward in such a big way? It does not refer to his joking offer.
I just read the above to him. He said, "Tell 'em you're going to put a fifth of Scotch in my car to get even." (He's a recovering alcoholic.) His humor is sometimes barbed and a problem for me in our marriage, but most of the time it just cracks me up.
It was good to write the poem because I write quickly, improvisationally and more truthfully when I write poetry than when I write prose. I can fill many journal pages with words and more words, and not get close to my inner truth. Whereas, writing terse lines (I guess one could call them poems) is often a gateway to my more intuitive side.
The other way I tap into intuition is by writing off the lines... in a spiral, upside down, in a diagonal wave - anything but straight across the page. When I journal, I like to get out my rather substantial collection of stickers and let Little PB pick a few she really likes (even if it's the only one I have of that type) and put them on the page. If she wants, she can embellish the stickers by doodling around them for a while. Then when I start to write, I just follow around the stickers and her doodles. It's quite obvious, when comparing a journal page like that to one written straight across the page, that the sticker pages are way more insightful, creative, fun, truthful and compelling.
Back to the cookie poem... Writing that I wanted to eat 2 dozen c.c. cookies simply opened a door to feeling my feelings and offered a chance to look at why that might be. I'm still thinking about the answer that appeared in the poem. It surprises me to realize that I have such strong fears around staying married, even though remaining with my husband is my stated goal for counseling.
So today, which was a 15-hour travel day (solo), I had a lot of time to consider the matter. It's complicated... and probably best summarized in a ten-things list... Ten Things Regarding My Fears around Remaining Married
- It seems to be related to recovery and weight loss. Maybe getting physically smaller is a physical manifestation of the way I feel unimportant (small) in my marriage.
- Part of me misses the independence I had before we met and married.
- I don't trust that changes brought about through counseling will be lasting.
- Under my fear of staying married is a fear of being trapped.
- Under my fear of being trapped is a fear of becoming a nonentity.
- Under my fear of becoming a nonentity is my fear of death.
- Animal fear of being killed and eaten.
- Internal Critic says I'm being a drama queen here.
- Shut up, IC!
- I need to be able to say "no." We both need to be able to ask for what we want and accept "no" as an answer. I have little faith in our ability to change.
Yikes! Should I be writing this kind of thing on a blog? I don't know. He doesn't read it... and even if he did, it would be OK (I think) because my intentions are good/honorable. But is it too personal and private to put on a blog? I guess I'm really just asking myself this question... More to consider... But for now, I'll publish this post as it is.